Gransnet forums



(79 Posts)
marylane1996 Thu 26-Oct-17 09:22:12

I have always had a great relationship with my 19 year old granddaughter and was quite upset when I gave her a hundred pound for her birthday and got no thank you for it. One kind person replied that I shouldn't have nagged her but asking once if she had had time to spend it is hardly nagging. I haven't spoken to her since June but have sent a couple of texts just saying HELLO and no reply. I received one reply in July saying it was nothing I had done and she was fine and would call me that weekend. She didn't. Its my birthday next week and I know she wont send a card as she hasn't in the past she just lies and says it must have got lost in the post or she will hand it to me when she sees me. My relationship with her mother is fractured and I cant talk to her as her mental health issues cause her to fly off the handle. I am so sad about this as my GS always shows great appreciation for gifts though he is a good deal younger at 11. Any suggestions ladies as I feel she has just walked out of my life

mumofmadboys Thu 26-Oct-17 09:35:10

Could you try phoning her and asking if she is free for a chat? Keep it light hearted. If she says she is busy ask when a good time would be to try again. Good luck

Coolgran65 Thu 26-Oct-17 09:36:25

I'm so sorry, you must feel quite hesrtbroken. At present there is maybe nothing you can actually do but wait. Give dgd time to mature and hope she finds her way to your door. I'm not sure that I'd continue with such generous gifts which she is taking for granted. Perhaps a card with £20. Or a small gift rather than money.

I would feel upset also but are you going to let her treat you this way.
A little appreciation is so heartwarming.
It may be that nothing will change unless someone (you) makes a change.

Luckygirl Thu 26-Oct-17 09:41:40

She is being 19 I guess! Probably in love! Not ideal and feels hurtful.

I think you need to keep your communications with her light-hearted; if she feels she is under scrutiny for her behaviour she will back off further.

Madgran77 Thu 26-Oct-17 09:45:28

Good advice from Luckygirl

Nana3 Thu 26-Oct-17 10:02:16

I think this is very upsetting marylane I know how I would feel as I am close to my DGD who sounds similar to yours in circumstances but is only 13, she's beginning to grow away though spending more time with friends.
Someone once said to me, " We love our children more than they love us." I suppose that applies to GC too. Not sure what I think about that. We can only try to enjoy our lives and hope they will be happy in theirs.
Plenty of good advice from everyone on here about giving less money etc.
All my best wishes flowers.

Willow500 Thu 26-Oct-17 10:09:12

Is she at Uni or live away? My granddaughter's communication seems to have dropped off lately - she's 20, recently moved in with her boyfriend, working 2 jobs and back to studying for her last year. She also lives 2 hours away. We've always been quite close but I realise she's now living her own life and us grandparents have to take a back seat - as long as she's happy and healthy I'm ok with it. Granted your granddaughter should have sent a message of thanks earlier but I wouldn't make too much of it.

FarNorth Thu 26-Oct-17 10:13:10

Your DGD has lied to you in the past yet you feel you have a good relationship with her?
I'd definitely cut back on the gifts to her. A card should be fine.

eazybee Thu 26-Oct-17 10:56:38

Her behaviour is very hurtful; you have attempted to keep in touch and she can't be bothered, so seriously, don't you be bothered to give her any sort of birthday, or Christmas present. Send a card, but no more.

paddyann Thu 26-Oct-17 12:26:36

some people on here were never 19? Its a bright new world with all sorts of amazing things and people in it and we take it for granted that the folk we love will still be there when we get past the new love affair with life thats happening to us.Your GD is just 19...for many thats what 19 is .She'll grow up and she'll come back ,its what teenagers do .

Eglantine21 Thu 26-Oct-17 12:37:31

I'm with Luckygirl. She is just being 19 and however close you have been in the past I'm afraid neither grandparents or parents figure very highly on a 19 year old agenda.
It will only become a problem if you take umbrage and start being miffed, expecting more than she is prepared to give and making her feel resentful and obligated
But some people can be relaxed about other peoples' behaviour and some have definite ideas about what is due to them and get upset when others don't live up to their expectations.
I suppose it depends if you are prepared to accept what she is happy to give or whether you can only be happy with what you want from her.

BlueBelle Thu 26-Oct-17 14:02:38

I agree with the last two posters I m afraid you have to expect much less contact how ever close you ve been once grandkids reach mid teens
Of course she should have acknowledge and thanked you for the gift but I think it’s a very very normal progression of growing up to not be so close I adored my Nan and we were as close as possible but once my ex came along and I fell in lurve I moved away both emotionally and geographically without a thought Now as a Nan myself I can only think how much I must have hurt her and for that I m so sorry and mortified I certainly made up for it in her old age and looked after her for a number of years but that wasn’t the point I didn’t think twice at the time

merlotgran Thu 26-Oct-17 14:12:32

There will probably come a time when right out of the blue your DGD will make contact because there is something going on in her life that she wants to share with you.

My eldest DGS didn't keep in touch all that much when he was in uni but now he has graduated and moved into a flat with his girlfriend I get lots of updates, photos on facebook and jokey requests for recipes etc.

Just hang on in there.

grannysyb Thu 26-Oct-17 14:54:34

Send a cheque but don't sign it. She'll be in contact!

Bluegal Thu 26-Oct-17 15:39:50

I agree with those who imply she is just being a selfish teenager. I know when I was in my late teens the world was totally fascinating. I didn't have time for parents or grandparents. All that counted were my friends and partying day and night (whilst holding down a job to pay for it all). I can remember MY mother grumbling that she never saw me! I just thought "what's her problem?" I saw it all as nagging...

Of course I grew up, settled down and had my own children and then got close again.

I don't think I actually MEANT to be so selfish and self centred when I was a teenager. So what am getting at is perhaps the person who mentioned 'nagging' may have a point. Not that YOU see it as nagging but maybe GD does? Just like I did.

It's upsetting but only if you take it personally. Just keep doing what you always do, let her know you love her and don't get too upset if she doesn't seem to care. As you say you have always had a great relationship, she will care, she just needs time to do the exciting, selfish growing up bit.


Baggs Thu 26-Oct-17 15:44:40

What did she say when you asked her if she'd had time to spend the money you gave her, marylane?

FarNorth Thu 26-Oct-17 15:58:23

Send a cheque but don't sign it. She'll be in contact!

FarNorth Thu 26-Oct-17 16:00:50

Being a self-centred teenager is all very well, but lying to her Granny?

lemongrove Thu 26-Oct-17 16:11:58

Just being 19?! It would be excusable at 13/14 sort of teenager
Age, but she is an adult now.Thinking back I always sent messages ( actually letters back then, no phone at Grandma’s) for any gift received, no matter how small.
It’s all to do with how you are brought up though.
Scale back on presents for the future, or just a card, now that your DGD is actually grown up.

Christinefrance Thu 26-Oct-17 16:58:58

I agree with lemongrove 19 is an adult and your granddaughter should have the courtesy to reply to you.
I would just send a card in future, although the unsigned cheque idea is good 😁

mostlyharmless Thu 26-Oct-17 17:23:25

Yes she should reply but 19 year olds are self-centred and probably too busy with their own lives to think about your feelings. I know only one of my three daughters ( in their thirties now) remembers to send birthday cards, thank you notes or get well cards to their great aunt. (No grandparents left now).

My own grandchildren are all under nine so they are still family orientated. I don't expect that will last as they become teenagers!

Try to keep in touch with your granddaughter by occasional text messages, greetings cards or Facebook likes/comments, but keep it light-hearted and not too needy!

BBbevan Thu 26-Oct-17 17:58:37

Some friends of ours gave each of their teenage GCs a generous amount of money, monthly for pocket money. There was only one stipulation. A thank you. If that was not forthcoming, neither was the next amount of money. The children soon got the idea. Good manners cost nothing. Bad manners resulted in no pocket money

Eglantine21 Thu 26-Oct-17 21:53:24

Does anyone really think that using money as a means to control behaviour is a good way to foster a relationship?

NannyJan53 Fri 27-Oct-17 07:51:43

It's common curtesey to acknowledge a gift and say thank you, no matter what the age. My 6 and 9 year old granddaughters have been doing this since they could write.

damewithaname Fri 27-Oct-17 10:00:16

Give a gift because you want to not because you want constant praise for your gesture. So she isn't quite up to speed with being thankful, or maybe she isn't one who knows how to express this gratitude. She isn't your grandson. They are different people. This is a fragile time in her life. It's transitioning from teen into adulthood. Loads of self stress happens around now. Could you perhaps be there for her instead of seeming needy? Sorry to be blunt.