Any advice is appreciated!DIL at a loss here!!

and it's time he told his mother not to be so rude to you too - or does she say these things out of his earshot?

Jaw dropping reading about the little nieces running round carrying a tiny baby

Lovely to let them hold her when they are sitting firmly on a chair or sofa with adult supervision, but she is not a dolly to be carried around!

I don't think you need a therapist (well, I can't judge but it doesn't sound like it) - you just need ground rules and need them to be implemented. You and your DH must both agree and be firm about this.

Thank you, I'm glad that it's not just me overreacting to all of this, you ladies have made me feel like I am right to think this is all totally inappropriate and crazy. Honestly I would love to move away, we live about an hour away currently I do feel like I'm basing so much of my time on just trying to please them and have them accept me but I don't think it's going to happen, even sitting here now I'm realising how much of my time I actually spend trying to make them happy and like me kind of thinking its a bit ridiculous now

You are right, I am walking into this when I go there alone, and I don't want DD to think this is ok I haven't been in a week and a bit since I spoke to my doctor, he said the same thing as you and advised I shouldn't be going there when they treat me that way and bring on panic attacks ( I had a little break down and told him what was going on , he referred me to a therapist ) I was only doing it to please them in all honestly I want DD to have the same sort of relationship I had with my grandparents and was hoping to foster that. I realised I couldn't keep doing it to myself anymore when I became aware of how bad I was getting because of it

I m sorry but this sounds like a new life together for your little family away from all this cloying mess
Many children ( mine included ) move to different areas or different countries for no bad reason Me and my kids are all still as close as ever but not near to each other Lots of grandparents only see their grandkids once or twice a year and that’s acceptable It’s your life not your in laws life they ve had their go now it’s your turn
For the sake of peace and your sanity move away and visit on a more formal level
No one needs all this extra stress it’s hard enough with a small baby let alone overbearing rude family

I am not sure why you are, on your own, taking DD to see his family, even if OH does work long hours. OK, they won't see much of DD, but as ye sow.............

I think it is important that you only go there with your OH to back you up; and never leave the child there without you.

If they want to see your DD, they have to behave reasonably. Sorry that sounds a bit hardline, but you are allowing yourself to be manipulated. Not a good lesson for DD when she gets more aware.

i was also thinking with the visits it may be useful to have them in my home as DH needs to travel further to her house rather than ours and they would actually get more time with her in our home, it takes him about an hour to get from work to home and they are able to see her more if they visit rather than us visiting if we timed it for them to arrive just after DH and that way I'm not alone with them

That's one issue I'm seeing, as DH works long hours I usually take DD to see his family otherwise they wouldn't really get to see her, he usually visits them after work, around 7.30pm and the very occasional weekend when he isn't working weekends, DD goes down at 7pm on the dot (or she turns into a screaming little monster) honestly with him solo visiting with DD rules don't get followed (i freaked out when DD came home with a nice bruise after one of the nieces was running holding her and she slipped, I let the kids have cuddles but they have to stay sitting) she's also always covered in lipstick following visits I try to pick my battles with this though , and draw the line when her safely is threatened. SO won't take her without me now as he feels bad telling them they can't do certain things with her there was another time when they fed her adult food- in baby led weaning style which isn't advised until at least 6 months and she started choking at I had to remove the food from her throat I felt awful that it happened and 100% terrified I had said no to food but they did it while I had my back turned) since then and the bruise incident he has said he wants me to go with her so I will speak up if something is happening that shouldn't be, I'm pretty good at speaking up when it comes to DD just not myself

It may be a good idea to give yourself a break; however, I do hope that your DH will continue to see his mother and with DD if possible. Will he ensure the rule about not kissing babies on the lips is carried out? That is most important because of the risk of passing on oral herpes which can be very dangerous in small babies.

Perhaps, if she is disabled, she finds it difficult to get out and about and finds it easier for you to visit. The other thing about you visiting her is that she is on her own home ground and more sure of herself!

As for a lot of the rest of it, for your own peace of mind, let it go as the song says.

Thankyou that is good advice! DH and I have agreed that the ideal carer for DD while we are at work is my mother, even excluding all drama she's just a more ideal candidate health wise, she is also 100% on side when it comes to following DDs schedule. I like the phone and text message idea I am in total agreement with yourself and PPs who have suggested responding along those lines. I will definitely follow this advice and hopefully she may realise she shouldn't say these things

I haven't tried a complete break from her yet although I am getting to that point, i kind of keep hoping it will change but I don't think I will at this point, I was thinking of seeing how we go with enforcing some rules and if there's no change or it worsens I might give myself a break, I won't do this until after Christmas though as I know everyone is very excited for DDs first Christmas and if I have a break before then DH won't see his family as he wants to spend it with DD and myself

The only way you can cope with this is to have a strategy that is firm, polite and clear.....

"I find that unacceptable and I am going home now" - said calmly, every single time they give you grief.

If it is a phone call, then "I find your comments unacceptable, so I am going to put the phone down now.

If it is a text, then ignore it.

DO NOT, above all else, allow them the care of your child when you return to work - not under any circumstances whatsoever.

You and your OH are going to have a joint plan which you stick to, so he can back you up. e.g. "I do not find it acceptable that you should talk to my partner in that way so we are leaving now."

Sit down together, work out your plan - and stick to it with no deviation.

Have you tried having a complete break from your mother in law. Explain to your husband how difficult things are and he is free to keep the contact with her. When things have settled down try a limited contact with your own rules and go from there.
Sometimes though things just can't be mended and for your own peace of mind you may have to leave it to your husband to keep in touch.

Thankyou for your advice! I think nicely calling them out on it would be beneficial (I'll just have to practice so I can get up the courage to do so) DH will be present for all visits now, we just spoke about this, he grew up with this so its normal to him also but he can see that it's not ok to do thank goodness he's a very protective man even more so now that I have admitted to him how badly it's affecting me so he's promised to not leave me alone for even a minute

Im sorry Nonnie if that's what your DIL has done to you, as I said to another poster I do want my DD to have a relationship with her paternal side of the family, I just don't want to be treated like c**p by MIL or have my DD think that this type of behaviour is normal I also don't want to force my DH into losing his family either, I don't think I have that right. Honesty I just don't think it's fair the way I'm being treated and I came here in hopes of getting some advice I have put on the happy face for a couple of years and honestly I dont think I deserve to be treated the way she treats me, I hate that I have to take medication to help me deal with the side effects that are a result of her treatment of me and I would love to have at least a civil relationship with her. Honestly yes there are some terrible DILs out there who will cut off inlaws for any little thing but I'm not one of them I believe family is important but I also believe that people should treat each other in a respectful and civil manner

If your husband has spoken to them and they revert back he needs to go straight back to the and tell them he knows and repeat whatever was agreed and keep doing it! Equally they need continuously reminding that the ball is in their court to arrange to visit at your house ...but only when he is present too!! Regarding the nasty remarks maybe try just stating the truth "what an unkind thing to say!" and saying nothing else! Another comment comes in response just say "as I said, unkind!" If your husband is around (he should be) he can query further. If he isn't say "what an unkind thing to say. I'll as ...(DH) what he thinks!" Don't respond beyond those statements, and really really try not to get upset. If you do (understandably!) get upset say" I am upset at that unkindness!" . I know this is all hard to do but it is pretty effective in my experience!

Feel better now? Just tell your DH he is no longer part of her family and you want nothing to do with any of them. That's what so many DiLs do to their in-laws so one more won't make any difference.

Thanks for your reply DH has talked to them quite a few times about their behaviours, they are nice to me for a day or so after but revert back to previous behaviours I definitely will be talking to DH about setting some ground rules and having him explain them to his family I would like to say I would be involved in the discussion but honestly at the moment I don't think I could handle it

Oh I've thought about it! My mother is living in the town we are as she plans on helping out with DD when I return to work. she eventually plans on moving to join my dad ideally I would love to go with them, he's a good 10 hour drive away from us. Im definitely talking to DH about what needs to happen in regards to it all I'm kind of at the point where I just can't deal with it further

That's what scares me! I worry that it's only going to get worse and worse. Every time I think it's getting better she reverts back :-( I also don't want my DD to grow up thinking this is ok behaviour or to be treated like this either.

I’d move far away from her. If that’s not possible then you and your OH will have to sit down together and draw up some agreed boundaries....starting with ‘don’t answer the door to MiL’!

I could of wrote this myself 8 years ago. A few differences but the rough outline you've written rings so many bells, even down to the anxiety attack from a phone call.

From my POV, It won't get better.
The rules are blurred already, normal people don't talk to people like that to start with so to them it's their normal. I really hope I'm wrong but brace yourselves for standing up to them.

What a carry on its your oh job to speak to his family and explain how they make you feel . Discuss what rules you both want to lay down . Good luck

Unfortunately this is real (I wish it wasn't), and I haven't even posted everything that has happened! thank you for your advice I have been wanting a break from them I just feel terrible for my DH, I think he would totally understand but I also think it would hurt him :-( I will sit down and talk to him when he gets home about setting some very strict rules and discuss what should happen if they continue and thankyou I think I need all the luck I can get!

Is this for real, can people be that nasty and rude?
My mil was bad but not that bad. If I were in your shoes I would stop all visits until they realise they have to treat you well and play by your rules. I would also limit their visits to one at a time and I bet you will find the spite stops and you will be more in control of how the visit goes. Be strict and have rules and stick to them until they behave better and make sure hubby does not leave you alone with them. Let them know they are on a last chance and if they don't change towards you (hubby must have his say in this with them too to back you up) that all visits will stop.
Good luck I think you might need it.