Gransnet forums


Any advice is appreciated!DIL at a loss here!!

(306 Posts)
DILseekingAdvice Sun 26-Nov-17 07:35:02

Hi all,
So I'm a DIL and the main reason I've come to gransnet is to ask you lovely ladies for your honest (happy for brutal honesty) opinions on my situation.
So my MIL and I do not have a good relationship, this all started before I got pregnant and worsened during my pregnancy. It started off with MIL and the other inlaws expecting to throw my baby shower the way they wanted it (my sister held the shower) during the shower MIL made quite a few nasty comments to my guests in regards to me (told everyone I was having a cesarean to spite her as she was going on a cruise at the scheduled date- this was docs choice not mine, said my size was going to lead to the baby being born tiny and sick- I have anemia and cannot put weight on no matter how hard I try, that I don't help her enough, that I've taken her son away- he moved in with me but still sees her regularly, that I'm lazy and don't work hard- I worked 60+ hour weeks up until birth, that I'm using her son- I actually make more money than he does ) about a week before I had my baby she was insisting that DH take DD to her and leave me at home when she returned from holiday (DD 5 days old) so she and her family could have bonding time with their baby (exact words). This I was not ok with so her and her family ended up visiting, showing up at 9pm, they then made fun of me (calling me a brat and that I was looking dreadful) then MIL got her turn to hold DD and started coughing all over her, she then informs me that she had picked up a virus- I asked them to leave at this point. Since then we have butted heads over everything, I'm not comfortable with unsupervised visits as she has shown me countless time she doesn't take any regard towards my safety concerns for DD and seems to purposely do the opposite of what I ask and then hassles both DH and I to let her keep the baby constantly, when I take DD to see her she constantly makes passive aggressive comments (eg she said I need to wear makeup and take care of myself so DH doesn't wander.. That I'm keeping her away from her baby- my DD, that I should let them have her whenever they want and that I'm too clingy, overprotective and a b**ch, ruining her family dynamics, tells these things to DD) she also refuses to follow the rules I have set (no sick visits allowed- the past 5 times I've visited, even with checking that no one is ill someone has been sick and she has lied to me about it, no children kissing baby, no kissing baby on lips, that she is not to stand and walk with baby as she has serious health issues and cannot walk unassisted, no solid food- baby is only 3 months) none of my inlaws have made any effort to actually come and visit apart from the first visit and seem to prefer to whinge amongst themselves and plan spiteful things (eg my DDs Xmas gift from them is apparently photos with their name labels so she knows who they are) I've said to them countless times that all they need to do is message me if they would like to visit her and we can arrange it but not once has this happened, it seems as if I'm the only one who makes the effort to organise for them to see her and they refuse to come to us, we have to go to them. I've actually gotten to the point when even a phone call or planning a visit leads to me having a giant anxiety attack and I have been experiencing extreme anxiety around them! To make matters worse DD is a shy little baby and they refuse to pass her back to me when she needs to be fed or is hysterically crying they just ignore me until DH tells them to hand her back. I'm just at a loss as to what to do any advice would be appreciated

CassieJ Sun 26-Nov-17 07:45:41

Honestly if this were me I would keep as far away as you can from your MIL. She sounds a nightmare!

I also think that you husband needs to talk to her and lay down rules about how she talks about you, and back you up. If she doesn't agree I would stay away.

Your baby, your rules, don't let anyone else dictate how you bring your baby up.

Grannyknot Sun 26-Nov-17 07:52:31

What a palaver!

If your MIL is putting on a drama, you don't have to show up for the performance.

Ignore the woman and get on with your life.

mumofmadboys Sun 26-Nov-17 08:16:49

Is this causing a rift at all between you and your OH? Encourage him to stand up for you and tell your in laws what your rules are for your child. If MIL is rude tell her so politely. "I find that rather rude. Please don't be so disrespectful or I am going to leave' Good luck

DILseekingAdvice Sun 26-Nov-17 08:17:07

Thanks ladies, DH has tried laying down some rules about how she is towards me and she's perfectly lovely while he's present but the moment he steps out of the room it's a different story :-( I do want DD to be able to have a relationship with her paternal family I just don't want to be treated terribly by MIL, I'm starting to see a therapist soon to built some coping strategies so I hope that helps it's just hard my mother is very close with DD and I know MIL is a bit jealous of that its just hard to fix a relationship when it just blows up in my face every visit :-(

DILseekingAdvice Sun 26-Nov-17 08:48:42

It has caused issues previously but he has seen how I feel when they treat me this way so he is 100% on my side, after the incident at my house when they visited DD as a new born I spent the whole night crying he was furious at them and has told them several times they can't treat me like this and they have to play nice or we won't visit he does get guilt tripped a fair bit though so it's very hard on him he is very close with his family. I do need to be more assertive and speak up when they do this in a more direct way, I usually sit there trying not to cry and say I don't like the way they speak to me but they say that they are just joking and I need to stop being so sensitive

Nanabilly Sun 26-Nov-17 09:03:12

Is this for real, can people be that nasty and rude?
My mil was bad but not that bad. If I were in your shoes I would stop all visits until they realise they have to treat you well and play by your rules. I would also limit their visits to one at a time and I bet you will find the spite stops and you will be more in control of how the visit goes. Be strict and have rules and stick to them until they behave better and make sure hubby does not leave you alone with them. Let them know they are on a last chance and if they don't change towards you (hubby must have his say in this with them too to back you up) that all visits will stop.
Good luck I think you might need it.

DILseekingAdvice Sun 26-Nov-17 09:40:16

Unfortunately this is real (I wish it wasn't), and I haven't even posted everything that has happened! thank you for your advice I have been wanting a break from them I just feel terrible for my DH, I think he would totally understand but I also think it would hurt him :-( I will sit down and talk to him when he gets home about setting some very strict rules and discuss what should happen if they continue and thankyou I think I need all the luck I can get!

hulahoop Sun 26-Nov-17 09:47:12

What a carry on its your oh job to speak to his family and explain how they make you feel . Discuss what rules you both want to lay down . Good luck

Violetfloss Sun 26-Nov-17 09:51:29

I could of wrote this myself 8 years ago. A few differences but the rough outline you've written rings so many bells, even down to the anxiety attack from a phone call.

From my POV, It won't get better.
The rules are blurred already, normal people don't talk to people like that to start with so to them it's their normal. I really hope I'm wrong but brace yourselves for standing up to them.

Friday Sun 26-Nov-17 09:56:25

I’d move far away from her. If that’s not possible then you and your OH will have to sit down together and draw up some agreed boundaries....starting with ‘don’t answer the door to MiL’!

DILseekingAdvice Sun 26-Nov-17 10:00:12

That's what scares me! I worry that it's only going to get worse and worse. Every time I think it's getting better she reverts back :-( I also don't want my DD to grow up thinking this is ok behaviour or to be treated like this either.

DILseekingAdvice Sun 26-Nov-17 10:04:04

Oh I've thought about it! My mother is living in the town we are as she plans on helping out with DD when I return to work. she eventually plans on moving to join my dad ideally I would love to go with them, he's a good 10 hour drive away from us. Im definitely talking to DH about what needs to happen in regards to it all I'm kind of at the point where I just can't deal with it further

DILseekingAdvice Sun 26-Nov-17 10:06:00

Thanks for your reply DH has talked to them quite a few times about their behaviours, they are nice to me for a day or so after but revert back to previous behaviours I definitely will be talking to DH about setting some ground rules and having him explain them to his family I would like to say I would be involved in the discussion but honestly at the moment I don't think I could handle it

Nonnie Sun 26-Nov-17 10:24:35

Feel better now? Just tell your DH he is no longer part of her family and you want nothing to do with any of them. That's what so many DiLs do to their in-laws so one more won't make any difference.

Madgran77 Sun 26-Nov-17 10:36:27

If your husband has spoken to them and they revert back he needs to go straight back to the and tell them he knows and repeat whatever was agreed and keep doing it! Equally they need continuously reminding that the ball is in their court to arrange to visit at your house ...but only when he is present too!! Regarding the nasty remarks maybe try just stating the truth "what an unkind thing to say!" and saying nothing else! Another comment comes in response just say "as I said, unkind!" If your husband is around (he should be) he can query further. If he isn't say "what an unkind thing to say. I'll as ...(DH) what he thinks!" Don't respond beyond those statements, and really really try not to get upset. If you do (understandably!) get upset say" I am upset at that unkindness!" . I know this is all hard to do but it is pretty effective in my experience! flowersflowers

DILseekingAdvice Sun 26-Nov-17 10:40:51

Im sorry Nonnie if that's what your DIL has done to you, as I said to another poster I do want my DD to have a relationship with her paternal side of the family, I just don't want to be treated like c**p by MIL or have my DD think that this type of behaviour is normal I also don't want to force my DH into losing his family either, I don't think I have that right. Honesty I just don't think it's fair the way I'm being treated and I came here in hopes of getting some advice I have put on the happy face for a couple of years and honestly I dont think I deserve to be treated the way she treats me, I hate that I have to take medication to help me deal with the side effects that are a result of her treatment of me and I would love to have at least a civil relationship with her. Honestly yes there are some terrible DILs out there who will cut off inlaws for any little thing but I'm not one of them I believe family is important but I also believe that people should treat each other in a respectful and civil manner

DILseekingAdvice Sun 26-Nov-17 10:44:11

Thankyou for your advice! I think nicely calling them out on it would be beneficial (I'll just have to practice so I can get up the courage to do so) DH will be present for all visits now, we just spoke about this, he grew up with this so its normal to him also but he can see that it's not ok to do thank goodness he's a very protective man even more so now that I have admitted to him how badly it's affecting me so he's promised to not leave me alone for even a minute

Christinefrance Sun 26-Nov-17 10:44:15

Have you tried having a complete break from your mother in law. Explain to your husband how difficult things are and he is free to keep the contact with her. When things have settled down try a limited contact with your own rules and go from there.
Sometimes though things just can't be mended and for your own peace of mind you may have to leave it to your husband to keep in touch.

Luckygirl Sun 26-Nov-17 10:52:06

The only way you can cope with this is to have a strategy that is firm, polite and clear.....

"I find that unacceptable and I am going home now" - said calmly, every single time they give you grief.

If it is a phone call, then "I find your comments unacceptable, so I am going to put the phone down now.

If it is a text, then ignore it.

DO NOT, above all else, allow them the care of your child when you return to work - not under any circumstances whatsoever.

You and your OH are going to have a joint plan which you stick to, so he can back you up. e.g. "I do not find it acceptable that you should talk to my partner in that way so we are leaving now."

Sit down together, work out your plan - and stick to it with no deviation.

DILseekingAdvice Sun 26-Nov-17 10:52:35

I haven't tried a complete break from her yet although I am getting to that point, i kind of keep hoping it will change but I don't think I will at this point, I was thinking of seeing how we go with enforcing some rules and if there's no change or it worsens I might give myself a break, I won't do this until after Christmas though as I know everyone is very excited for DDs first Christmas and if I have a break before then DH won't see his family as he wants to spend it with DD and myself

DILseekingAdvice Sun 26-Nov-17 10:56:57

Thankyou that is good advice! DH and I have agreed that the ideal carer for DD while we are at work is my mother, even excluding all drama she's just a more ideal candidate health wise, she is also 100% on side when it comes to following DDs schedule. I like the phone and text message idea I am in total agreement with yourself and PPs who have suggested responding along those lines. I will definitely follow this advice and hopefully she may realise she shouldn't say these things

Jalima1108 Sun 26-Nov-17 10:59:41

It may be a good idea to give yourself a break; however, I do hope that your DH will continue to see his mother and with DD if possible. Will he ensure the rule about not kissing babies on the lips is carried out? That is most important because of the risk of passing on oral herpes which can be very dangerous in small babies.

Perhaps, if she is disabled, she finds it difficult to get out and about and finds it easier for you to visit. The other thing about you visiting her is that she is on her own home ground and more sure of herself!

As for a lot of the rest of it, for your own peace of mind, let it go as the song says.

DILseekingAdvice Sun 26-Nov-17 11:33:34

That's one issue I'm seeing, as DH works long hours I usually take DD to see his family otherwise they wouldn't really get to see her, he usually visits them after work, around 7.30pm and the very occasional weekend when he isn't working weekends, DD goes down at 7pm on the dot (or she turns into a screaming little monster) honestly with him solo visiting with DD rules don't get followed (i freaked out when DD came home with a nice bruise after one of the nieces was running holding her and she slipped, I let the kids have cuddles but they have to stay sitting) she's also always covered in lipstick following visits I try to pick my battles with this though , and draw the line when her safely is threatened. SO won't take her without me now as he feels bad telling them they can't do certain things with her there was another time when they fed her adult food- in baby led weaning style which isn't advised until at least 6 months and she started choking at I had to remove the food from her throat I felt awful that it happened and 100% terrified I had said no to food but they did it while I had my back turned) since then and the bruise incident he has said he wants me to go with her so I will speak up if something is happening that shouldn't be, I'm pretty good at speaking up when it comes to DD just not myself

DILseekingAdvice Sun 26-Nov-17 11:38:40

i was also thinking with the visits it may be useful to have them in my home as DH needs to travel further to her house rather than ours and they would actually get more time with her in our home, it takes him about an hour to get from work to home and they are able to see her more if they visit rather than us visiting if we timed it for them to arrive just after DH and that way I'm not alone with them