Any advice is appreciated!DIL at a loss here!!

Bugsy I am not estranged ...not sure what "my support thread" would be! As I said previously, I clearly disagreed with Yogagirl, I questioned her remarks, I think that some of her views were too heavily biased .....but we managed to disagree without being personal. I don't even particularly like some of the style of the comments, I still think unkindness unnecessary and if you feel Yogagirl was unkind, what purpose is served by doing it back?

Thank you Yogagirl, honestly I can't imagine how difficult and painful it would be for you to have been cut off, I was thinking about it from your position and how I would feel if when my daughter is grown if she were to do that, I can totally understand why you don't want to see other grandparents cut off from their child/ grandchildrens lives, I hope that one day you and your child can reconnect! And thankyou for your apology, I know that some of my post can be a bit hard to believe (I wouldn't believe it all if I wasn't living through it) I think that not being able to understand how a grandparent or relative behaves this way shows that you aren't capable (or could ever imagine) behaving this way which is totally a good thing!!

Starlady- oh I will be making sure DD knows her heritage and the cultural influences from her fathers side, some of them are truly beautiful, the traditional way of cooking which is done for special occasions is delicious (it's called a hangi, it's where all the food is cooked in the ground over coals and wrapped in special leaves) if you ever get a chance to try this it is truly amazing!! I'm hoping that DH and I will be able to take DD to his homeland when she is a older so she can experience all the traditions of the Polynesians! Her fathers family owns tribal land and the people still live in a very traditional way so I am also very excited to experience this one day! It truly is an incredible culture I personally love learning about it and will make sure DD has great exposure to that side of her heritage

I was just saying what lots of others think anyway smileless. Maybe you all should stick to your support thread so you can wallow in self pity without us none estranged grandparents giving our honest opinion

No, you were not being unkind bugsy you were being cruel and also hypocritical. If you have an issue with posts that someone has made because you believe them to be unkind, what makes you think you're in a position to criticise when you do the same thing yourself; when you post something far worse than the poster you're criticising.

Yogagirl has apologised to the OP for her harshness I wonder if you'll be prepared to apologise to Yogagirl for your cruelty; somehow I doubt it.

Thank you Madgran Xxx

About the cultural issues - I hope you and dh are sure to show respect for his foo's culture. Maybe have some cds of music from their culture. Maybe keep on hand some storybooks with tales from their culture. These are part of dd's heritage, after all.

But, at some point, dh needs to tell her, imo, that you and he are modern British (or Scottish or Irish, etc., depending on where you live) parents, and you're going to do things the modern way. In her traditional culture, for example, gps might have a say in how their gc are raised. But that's not how things are done here, today. Mil needs to know NOT to expect it, if she does.

Madgran have you read yogas contributions to this thread and the assumptions she's made about OP. Her attitude towards anybody that has a different opinion to her is awful.

So yes I have been unkind but only once yoga was particularly unkind to OP. I bite my tongue a lot at her posts but couldn't let this one slip

Bugsy That is unnecessarily unkind and as I assume that you have never met Yogagirl I fail to see how you can possibly make such statements as apparent "facts"!
I think that Yogagirl's posts sometimes read as apparently heavily influenced by her own difficult experiences but that is only human, and even in disagreement does not merit such unpleasantness surely. Myself and Yogagirl have not entirely agreed in this thread but neither of us have resorted to such unnecessary personal remarks ...based on what exactly?
For the OP DIL I do hope that you can sort such difficulties even within the context of a differing culture.

DIL, just want to add, I'm glad you take baby and leave when one of dh's foo is sick or they start breaking your & dh's rules. When they start criticizing you, imo, you should do the same, or, at least, change the subject. Eventually, dd is going to hear and understand these conversations. Imo, you need to nip them in the bud now.

I don't mean if they just say one thing. But if you give them your answer and they keep arguing, then it's time to say, "Sorry, this is the way I am" or "This is the way dh and I have decided to do it" (whatever it is)." and change the subject. I say this particularly if they're making fun of you. They have to learn they can't disrespect you in front of your child (or, at all, really).

Also, if anyone refused to give me my baby and walked in another room, etc., once I got baby back, I would leave or send them home if they were visiting me. If you want to keep trying, ok. But there have to be firm limits - and consequences for this outrageous behavior. I'm NOT saying to cut them out. I'm JUST saying to put your foot down and take some more action. That's my opinion, anyhow.

Thank you Smileless Xxx

What a vile thing to post bugsy. I have two hopes for your future. The first is that you never find yourself CO of your C's and GC's lives, the second that if you do, no one says anything as cruel as you've just said to Yogagirl.

Bug My Son lives in Spain at the moment, before that Russia, when he is in UK, he resides in London, at the very most a visit to his sister once per year, therefore can be tolerated, but only in order to hurt me more, no other reason!

Dilseeking Oh, I know nothing about that culture. sounds very exotic though. Sorry I have been a bit hard on you, suppose I am very protective of other grandmothers being cut out, as I know the pain is unbearable! My s.i.l is from a huge gypsy family, say no more Hope you resolve your problems with your in-laws xx

Starlady don't take offense to yoga- the most bitter and twisted women on these boards. It's easy to see why 2 of her children have no contact.

She has an intense dislike for you because your not cut out. What a very jealous women

Also Yoga - you say wife allowed but no other birth family - what of the brother she still has contact with?

The OP is an angel. But I suspect this will only end 1 way. A person cannot continue to deal with the kind of stress mil is putting on her forever.

They are Polynesian (South Pacific islands)

.....And my heartache is that my precious, darling Granddaughter is not of their culture and has been denied hers by having all her family cut out!

Starlady there is only one reason busgy complimented you so don't gloat too much.

Op, may I ask what culture your in-laws are, as you say they are different to yours, hence perhaps the probs you have with them. This was/is my problem too, my s.i.l's culture being different to my own. His culture is a closed one, wife allowed, but not any of her birth family.

Op, your mil is very lucky to have you as a dil, whether she knows it or not. I think it's great that you're trying to keep up relations with her as much as you can and not trying to pull dh away from her.

You are a bigger person than I am. I could take a lot of things, but if my mil had ever tried to make trouble at my job, idk if I could come back from that. That's way too far out of bounds, imo. Mil is very lucky, very, very lucky.

Thank you, bugsy! How kind of you!

Oh for goodness sake, Iv known people who held onto babies even when they're crying for their mums. Selfish people who care more about their own wants than a little baby's or who think they can calm baby down better than mum can. Or sometimes it's a gp or other relative who thinks baby is being fed too often and that mum "runs to her too much," and thinks they have a right to interfere. Sometimes seems to boil down to a power struggle of sorts. Sad but true.

FarNorth my MIL was prone to doing the same.

But on the whole she was a great MIL. It's just that sometimes we had different approaches to the same problem.

Although I had a good relationship with my PiLs, there were a couple of times when one of them would keep holding onto my howling baby, while jiggling and exclaiming, apparently in the hope that would be calming.
It's not hard to believe at all.

Yogagirl- they are either pretending I don't exist and that they can't hear me or they will get up and leave the room I follow them and they leave said room again. If you don't want to believe me that's fine, from what responses I've seen from you I doubt there is a thing I could say that would convince you of what's happening but I've said a few times here not all DILs and SILs are awful people, not all MILs are great people and vice versa it's your choice to believe or not believe and your entitled to your own opinion

Dilseekingadvise An awful lot has happened in the 3mnths your baby has been born hasn't it!

Your bit stating they refuse to pass her back to me when she needs to be fed or is hysterically crying they just ignore me So what are they doing with your baby at this time then? I'm sorry I still find this impossible to believe

Madgran I second Smilelesss post to you.