Any advice is appreciated!DIL at a loss here!!

Forgive them Lord, for they know not what they do!

Yoga girl is deluded about hers and other people's situations... She's always so passive aggressive with her comments too.

OP you need to step away from the out laws - and protect your child from them too.
As difficult and unnatural as that may feel it seems thst its the only right choice you have.

Put all your future efforts into maintaining the strong bond that you clearly have with your hubby and child.. best wishes and hope the counselling goes well.

OP, please let what Yogagirl says wash over you.
She defended my MIL who lied to us about having Cancer, so I'm not really sure how 'low' someone needs to go before you back away.

Yogagirl.....May I just ask what a mother-in-law - any mother-in-law - would need to do, in your opinion, to be deemed a bad - and/or dangerous - influence on a child.

Dear DIL, it is your duty as a mother, in my opinion, to remove yourself and your little one from this scary, toxic environment.

Oh, how I wish I had a DIL like you, who would accept my genuine love and friendship, and allow me to have my precious granddaughter in my life.x.

Yogagirl ....why is it totally unbelievable? I have heard worse , face to face, from people I know well ...both parents in lw and son/ daughters in law! That's the problem isn't it, no group is an amorphous mass of identical people and behaviours!; When working, leading a massive team, I had 2 team members at different times, who had family members (one was in laws) who tried to bad mouth quite seriously, their respective family member to me - so NO it is NOT totally unbelievable!

This is just totally unbelievable

This is just totally unacceptable behaviour by a group of ignorant selfish vindictive people . Never mind trying to lay down rules as there’s nothing to be done with people who are treating you like that. Please, please have NOTHING to do with them and don’t allow them within a mile of your home or your precious darling baby because they do not deserve you . Please don’t allow them to spoil what should be a happy time for you and your husband.

Thanks I will just enjoy my DD for now, honestly at the moment I don't think I could even fake politeness after her behaviour at my work so I'm going to have a little break and let DH see her without me if he wants to that is

OMG-what a nightmarish bitch your mother-in-law is.

Your baby , your rules, if she doesn't like the rules no contact. Her loss.
Don't let her and her crones spoil your enjoyment of your baby, she is a precious gift.

Thank you all so much I do appreciate it, there have been a couple of things that have happened within the past day involving MIL (long story short she tried to negatively effect my employment by saying some awful things about me to one of my employees) so I've been at work resolving this and didn't have time to respond after this latest one I will be taking a break from her until my DH speaks with her (he is furious at this latest event) thanks again for all your advice! I have my first therapist session booked in for two weeks time so until then I plan on laying low and spending time with DD and my DH inbetween working. I sincerely thank you all for taking the time to respond with encouragement and advice it is very much appreciated

Dear DILseeking advice. There is too much overthinking taking up your life. Your head is obviously full of this issue and taking over your life. Please, please stop. This is your family, your life, your sanity. Have a look at symptoms of anxiety and catastrophising. Things will get worse with your health unless you take a break and put in place very strong boundaries.

I feel for you, I have had the same problem with my MIL, I put my foot down many years ago when my children were small all grown up with their own now, she is your child and they play by your rules or not at all, I still have the problem now as she is widowed recently and makes demands on my husband, I ignore her nasty comments and give as good as I get, but you are young with a baby so not easy, good luck but lay down the rules for your own sake, don't let her win, and just think they are the ones who will miss out not you, enjoy your baby your way.

My MIL was exactly like yours!! I feel for you/ The other ladies are right of course either ignore her or get out of her line of fire, so to speak. Mine used to say things like " give him gripe water, I always gave mine gripe water, in fact I would put it in their bottles"! My son suffered with wind, at the time they called it 3 month colic. My husband has for the 43 years we have been married suffers with IBS and other bowel problems. I would tell my husband about the problems MIL and me were having and of course like yours she was lovely and smiley and butter wouldn't melt when he was around. When I had my daughter (fortunately they had moved away by the) it was different cos they only came once a week then. YAY.. When the children were older we did start to get along and things improved slightly. I can only empathise with you. You do have to stay strong and as long as you have your DD and DH and your own family things will start to settle. GIVE IT TO HER WITH BOTH BARRELS!!!

DIL'your clear response to GN comments, both in thanking and to some very negative and accusatory ones, shows so well that you have a deep-rooted strength. With your DHs support I am sure you will get through this in a way that can work for you as a couple with a lovely new child. I hope that the range of thoughtful and constructive advice on here is helpful, and please just ignore the other stuff that so easily hijacks a genuine post. Please please let us know how things are going over time

Your child's physical safety may not be in danger, if you take the steps you say, but as time goes on watch out for unpleasant remarks or "teasing" that is actually bullying towards your child or you.
That sort of thing can be very damaging to a child too.

I haven't read the Toxic In-laws book, but I hope it is helpful to you.

Please believe you are not obliged in any way to tolerate toxic behaviour from anyone. You may feel you have a duty towards your husband's mother but then she has to you. This woman is not a role model for your children as rude, insensitive, selfish , unsupportive, controlling and energy exhausting. Remove her contamination from your life now and I mean YOUR LIFE. Send Christmas cards and birthday cards and any necessary get-well-cards. Do not lower your standards of courtesy and thoughtfulness but as Helen Mirren said 'I've learnt as i've got older I wish I'd told more people to F* Off'. Otherwise Google Toxic People and recognise where this woman has you.

I've just seen with my own...that it matters not how nice you try to be...how you put your hurtful feelings aside...how you try to include them... they will always have something nasty to say to everyone else about you!

So where does one draw the line and say, "No more"... read my first three comments...

i agree with Luckygirl ,you need to set some bounderies ,this is an awful tale ,and i am so sorry for you ,,all i can say is always make sure when (and if) you visit make sure you are with your DH ,do not under any circumstances go on your own ,i do hope as baby gets older things improve for you ,

Thankyou ladies most of you have given me some wonderful advice, I do have DH on side it is very hard for him because he is trying to look after everyone and he also gets very hurt when he hears of his mother treating me this way, his family are a different culture to mine, in their culture the elder female or mother is in charge so that does lead to a few of the issues. And to the poster that suggested this is a classic example of bulling I do agree with that, I feel like it's possible that she is trying to make me submissive to her and her wishes. She has control over most of the family members and is allowed to do as she pleases no matter what within her family, even if the consequences are negative or the situation is not safe. I also agree very much so with continuing visits within my home with DH present as well as not engaging in phone conversations. I many times expressed how I feel about kissing, especially on the lips, a friends child died from the flu so I don't think you can be too careful when it comes to germs and passing along illness. Again I do thank you ladies for your advice it is very very much appreciated! I've also ordered the book toxic inlaws to have a read through.

Now for those that can't believe that DHs niece fell with the baby, I can assure you she did, yes normal adults don't usually allow a small child to run holding a baby but sometimes people do lack common sense, why on earth would I make this up? I'm furious at myself for not being there to have stopped it. When I started with lovely ladies it was not meant as an insult, I appologise if it was insulting towards some of you, I approach many of my clients with that and I can say none of them have ever had issue. Another suggested that I am just whinging and should be the better person? I'm not trying to be rude when I say this but how would you like me to respond? Should I accept that she treats me like this and just continue to allow it? Should I let her get away with putting my child at risk? I also never said they were all terrible and I was trying to get rid of them out of our lives? Honestly why on earth would I come here to ask for advice on what to do if I wanted nothing more than to get rid of them all I could easily be done with them and not a want to try work out the issues but yet here I am. Yes it is tempting to stop contact but as I said earlier I believe family is important and I don't actually want to cut them out, that would only be a very last resort if my child's safety was in danger. I may not be willing to be around them without my DH but that isn't me saying get out of my child's and my life and stay out. I never said they were all terrible either I listed behaviours that are not ok and actions that are not ok. I'll restate my goal was to try to work out ways to handle this, I came here rather than a place like mumsnet because I'm not interested in just saying she is a nasty lady who I want nothing to do with I was asking for advice from others who have experience from the MIL perspective

I honestly feel for you in this situation, I had the mother in law from hell in my first marriage. She was a shocker, similar to this person, always commenting that I looked pale, sick or whatever. Only when my husband was around. Turned out she was unhappy all her life in her marriage, when her husband died she hooked up with an old flame and guess what, no more nasty rude person. This other nice sweet lady turned up. So I think that she is very unhappy and probably hates herself and her life. But what can you do? Do not see her alone, distance yourself and present a united front with your husband. You sound like a really lovely person who is being trampled on. Stop this chain of poison now, you don't want your little one thinking its normal. Good luck, hope happiness creeps in.

Hi DiLSeekingAdvice - you sound like a stressed young mother just trying to do the best thing for everyone in your darling babies life. Hugs to you.
From my viewpoint - in the kindest but firmest way, tell your MiL (in writing) how you are feeling. Tell her that her grandbaby is way too young to be exposed to the turmoil of large extended family visits, so for now, you are giving her the opportunity to visit with her granddaughter for a one hour weekly supervised visit at a regular time determined by you and your husband at your home.(you will get huge flak for this, stick to your guns.) Tell her that this regular one hour visit MAY change once you see how things are going. Tell her that if she is not agreeable to this, then you would like her to agree to a counselling session - just you, your husband and her. A professional will be impartial but able to steer the discussion to a mutually agreeable outcome. Ask her to respond to your request in writing only. Tell her you will not respond to calls or texts from her. And keep a printout of all these posts too.
You are the mother here. You are the most important person in your little ones life and your husbands life. Unfortunately, its hard for some mothers of married sons to realise that they are no longer the centre of their sons universe, and that if they want the benefits of being a grandmother, there is another person in their sons life whose rights he needs to put first. Good luck to you.

My heart goes out to you. Being a new Mum and all that entails is hard enough, but dealing with these family dynamics must be a nightmare. First of all make it clear NOW she is your daughter, and what you and your husband say is how it is.....end of! Don't let them tell either of you any different.
The second thing was all this kissing your tiny daughter left right and centre. It's selfish in the extreme, she will pick up goodness knows what. I want to share a post my daughter put on FB this time last year, it accompanied a photo of my six month old granddaughter in a hospital intensive care unit, hooked up to tubes, oxygen .......

""It's just a cold" that meant this baby needed an ambulance.
"It's just a cold" that meant this baby needed 6 medics to battle to get an IV line in to give her antibiotics as fast as possible.
"It's just a cold" that meant this baby needed oxygen via a tube so she could breathe.
"It's just a cold" that meant this baby developed pneumonia.
"It's just a cold" until the consultant said, 'she is giving up'.
"It's just a cold" that saw a children's ward full of babies struggling to breathe. That saw a children's ward full of babies laid in boxes pumping oxygen around them.
"It's just a cold" NO, ITS NOT!!!!. It's so much more to so many people, this baby included. Her only fault was being small.
She is a fighter, she came home again.
She shouldn't have had to suffer the way she did.

If your cough is productive, if your child has a temperature, keep them at home! Don't pass it on."

It drives my daughter nuts when total strangers think they can pat her cute daughter on the head, or stroke her cheek......I could go on. But your inlaws should know better, to lie about anyone sick is utterly utterly unacceptable!
Stick to your guns, be strong for her sake, and MAKE IT STOP, now!!

My MiL was a nightmare at times but this makes her seem truly saintly. I have already told my DiL that I have learnt from my MiL how not to be a MiL and hope she will benefit from that! So far we get on fine and although I guess I may make different mistakes, I think I know what to avoid most. My DiL is lovely and her mum seems to be a great MiL to my son. Long may that continue. As for advice to the OP, most of the advice already given has been pretty sound. Good luck with standing up to her and for your little family. I do hope things improve though I wouldn't hold my breath!

It may be difficult but stand firm with this horrible bunch. Send them a message saying that if they cannot treat you or your child respect you will not visit.Think about yourself, you are already completely stressed over the visiting issue.Please do not make yourself ill, they are not worth it.

I DO believe that someone might allow a young child to hold a young baby and walk round with the baby ...having observed my niece do exactly that ...allowing her 4 year old to carty his new born sister across the uncarpeted wooden floored room. Hair raising! There truly are some people who cant really see potential consequences very easily!