Christmas Sadness.

So many sad stories here, ladies! Lots of (((hugs!)))

Rosy, tbf, dil may not have visited you when you were ill because of her pregnancy. She may have felt she needed to protect herself and her unborn child. If ds was calling/visiting you, etc., she might not have felt that a card or call was necessary from her either. It would have been nice, of course, but she might not have seen it as "necessary."

What's happened since gd was born is hard o fathom. I have a feeling you're suffering the external effects of problems in the marriage. I'm so sorry about that.

Imo, you were very loving and courageous to make the sacrifice you did for ds. I know Xmas is an especially hard time in these situations. But I wish you a peaceful one.

So sorry for all your unhappiness.It sounds like the support thread for estranged grandparents is a really good idea.

Just a thought. Might it help to write a letter to the mother of your grandchild -acknowledging that there have been difficulties - but giving her some credit for any good things you might be able to think of! and explaining that you will continue to be interested in the welfare of the child whatever has happened between her and your son. And that you would appreciate some regular news, and to be able to send presents even if visiting would be difficult at the present time? Even if she does not answer it, you will have said what you wanted to say.

Years ago,I had a very difficult mother in law, of whom my now ex husband said prior to our marriage that the more he liked a girl, the more his mother hated her. It was clear from the start that I was never going to be good enough - as a result of which, when she chose to move to the other side of the world after her own divorce, I did not feel inclined to make sacrifices to go over to see her frequently! However, in time things improved, and when her son and I divorced after many years, she sent me a lovely, totally uncritical letter saying many nice things and that she thought I had been a very good mother. Don't give up.

What you have done for your son is so brave Rosie ??

I’m so sorry Rosy. It’s heartbreaking for you and I just hope and pray that somehow things will work out for you. Some good advice on here so I hope you will find some of it helpful.

Rosy you are an amazing unselfish mother. You couldn't do anymore than you have done. Take heart that you tried your utter best. K x

Keep going Rosy, you'll get your reward one day.. I wonder if the issues here are cultural but you my dear sound like an angel. Praying you'll be reconciled one day

I have a dear friend who is also not allowed to see her grandchild. I see the terrible longing she has and how hurt she feels and I did not know how to help her. Then my dd and sil had a child and I became a nanny and now she shares my grandson with me. I ring her to let her know when he is coming and she always comes over and enjoys playing with him and we take him out together. Do you have any great nephews or nieces or children of friends who would share their grandchildren with you? If so any love given will be returned many times over.

My heart goes out to you Rosy. It’s hard to understand unless you’ve been there. Just remember that your little granddaughter will grow up one day and start to ask about her family. Keep in this for the long game. If you can’t send presents wrap them up and keep them, to show her one day how much you cared. Doesn’t make it better, but good to know youre not alone xxxxxx

Hi Rosy, it's good to see your post even though it's such a sad one. You have, as you've said been on the other thread in the past and at the moment we have another poster who sees her son but isn't able to see her GC so you wouldn't be alone with this particular scenario.

I hope you enjoy the time you get to spend with your DS over Christmas. Our DS arrives from Aus. for 2 weeks in a fortnights time and I'm so looking forward to seeing him. There'll be tears when he arrives and even more when he leaves.

He's going to his brother's, our ES's on Boxing day and thankfully we're meeting up with a few of Mr. S's. family so we wont have too much time to dwell in him spending time with his nephews, our GS's who we don't know.

You have your son Rosy and hopefully one day you'll get to know your GC too; I hope so.

Take care

Dear Rosy I am so so sorry for your pain. There are many thousands of alienated grandparents all over the world and in the UK. Its a really sad epidemic. You are grieving, a living bereavement. Google "Alienated Grandparents Anonymous". It is an organisation based in the US, but there are meetings all over the world, and there may be a meeting in your town. Even if you aren't close to a meeting, there is so much information on the AGA website, and links to other helpful sites, such as Dr Josh Coleman, a psychologist who specialises in the heartache of estrangement. Know that you are not alone, and as you will see on the AGA website, there are many success stories, where sometimes many years after the estrangement, reconnection takes place. Virtual Hugs to you.

I like the idea of wrapping up gifts and keeping them for gd. But by the time she sees them, if she does, she will probably have outgrown them. Better, imo, to put the money you would have spent on them into a savings account and give it to her if she seeks you out in later years, or use it to help her pay for Uni or whatever you two agree on. She will appreciate that more, I think.

There's also the issue of storage Starlady, over the years the pile of gifts never sent would just get bigger. We send Christmas and birthday cards, always buying 2 so there's one for our GC's memory box.

I don't think I could stand to look at a pile of thoughtfully purchased and lovingly wrapped presents that were never sent. Good point about the gifts being outgrown by the time they can be received.

So sorry to hear this but you are not alone. You sound a sensitive person and it must be very hard to cope with.

Thank you all for the kind words, and suggestions.

I'm excited as my son will be here in the next hour. Here's home until Saturday, so we have planned some lovely outings and meals out. I feel so lucky right now. I won't see him over Christmas or New Year, as they go to Italy for three weeks to his wife's family, but he keeps in touch daily. This has become the norm now every year and because he obviously wants to be with his little one, he goes along with it. Again, I have encouraged this, as it caused horrendous rows the first Christmas and he became quite ill as a result. He could have stopped her from taking the child out of the country, but I was so proud of the fact that it never even entered his head. He's a good man.

I'm going to enjoy this time with him, making more happy memories to add to the hundreds I already have....and no one can ever take them away....Rosy.x.

Gabrielle i hope you have had a lovely time this week with your son and made more happy memories which no one can take away.
Good luck and good wishes.

I am new to this site, I have tried so hard to think like Rosy does about my sons partner but I just can't, she has malicious mother syndrome, she is also a spoilt princess, since my son split from her she has used my two grandchildren shamefully as weapons against our family, she has no regard for their emotional welfare what so ever.

Never mind about fathers for justice, what about Granparents for justice, she has refused to hand the kids over this weekend even though the contact order states she should, so it's back to court and the kids don't get to see our family over Xmas, you bet I'm angry, it's high time the law was changed these vile so called mothers have had it their way for to long, really need to let of some steam. My thoughts go out to all grandparents this Xmas who are being deprived of their dear grandchildren I feel your pain. karma can't come quick enough.

Rosy Merry Christmas* I hope you have a good day & see your lovely Son. God Bless xx

Lizzie so very sorry you & your Son won't be seeing your beloved GC. Yes the law definitely needs changing, to stop a GP seeing their beloved GC, but a father! very, very wrong.
When my husband left us, our C were 3,6 & 9, he never paid maintenance, was horrid to me, yet I never stopped him seeing the C, I knew that was too cruel, the C loved him and he them.

I won't see my beloved little GD &GS from my youngest D, we have been estranged for 5yrs plus now, because of her jealous H & his M, that's my GD stepdad! I am blessed with a niceD & wonderful little GD from her, so will be seeing them later. Have you any other GC Lizzie ?

Merry Christmas everyone

Welcome, Lizzie! My heart goes out to you! How sad that you & ds won't get to see your gc/his children, particularly now at Christmastime. Of course you're angry and hurt! Who wouldn't be? (((Hugs)))

I have a question about the contact order though - is it for you or ds? If it's for ds, then, it is basically a "father"/non-custodial parent issue, even though gps are affected, too. If ds' partner (ex partner?) would let him have the children for visits, I'm sure you would get to see them, also.

Some women withhold the kids from their dad if he isn't paying the maintenance or not paying it consistently or on time. They shouldn't do that, imo - the 2 issues - visitation & maintenance - should be separate. But still some women do this, I know. Is ds paying maintenance regularly? If not, that might be at the root of this problem. Either way, the mom sounds vindictive.

If the contact order was for you, then, of course, it's a "gp rights" issue. But if you got the order and can go back to court to enforce it, where has the law failed you? Dealing with an angry, spiteful mom who has custody is never easy, imo, no matter what the courts do.

Anyhow, I hope you're getting through this Xmas as best you can and that things are worked out in court, so that this sad episode is not repeated. Wishing you a better year ahead!

I haven't seen my eldest daughter, or her children, for ten years after she cut not only her immediate, but also my extended family out of her life. Another family member has recently told me the reason, which, as|I always knew, has nothing whatsoever to do with me. I think her decision to cut us all off was ill thought out and I have often thought she must have regretted it many times. I have a third party address for them and have sent gifts and money at birthdays and Christmases, but had no response and could only hope that they had been received. Now my grandchildren are 19 and 18 so I wrote and said that I won't be sending anything else via the post as I don't know if it's being received, but will gladly pay an amount into their accounts if they want to send me their bank details or to them directly if they let me have an address. I had no reply so this year I sent no money or cards for the first time ever. Today I had a message on my answerphone from my daughter simply saying 'Merry Christmas'! To say I'm shocked would be an understatement, I burst into tears - I didn't even recognise her voice any more. I have no idea what it means and am not building my hopes up, but it was an interesting outcome to my earlier decision.

Grannyactivist How amazing!! Please let us know if anything else wonderful happens. It certainly sounds like a break through doesn't it I'm very happy for you.

I purchased my GD&GS's Xmas cards today, I can't bare getting them when I purchase the family cards before Xmas. I have no add. to send them, so they are just written out and posted in their memory sacks in my spare room, so I don't have to worry if it's snowing out to post them What do you write in a card to a child that you haven't seen or heard anything about in 5yrs!

How wonderful grannyactivist I don't know what else to say but keeping everything crossed that it's the beginning of a reconciliation.

Such good news, grannyactivist! Keep us posted!

Finally found it thanks yogagirl!
Grannyactivist that's amazing do hope start of reconciliation ?
I too would burst into tears if my ed ever rang,
Do keep us posted

Rosyglow, what a very lovely person you are, putting your son first, I think your dil sounds a jealous and insecure person and has missed out on what could have been a wonderful relationship with you. She doesn't realise how her d has missed out with you. Hopefully you will see you gd when your son has sorted visiting out etc. I do hope so.
Granny activist, do hope your daughter has made the first step back to you. Fingers crossed.
I just send cards. Put money into savings account for when gd is older. I couldn't face a load of unwrapped presents. I would rather wrap one and give it to our local Children's Hospice, but that is just me, everyone has their own way of coping.

Thanks Lucky. Like you and so many others, I just do the best I can in hideous circumstances. I’m no saint believe me, just first and foremost a mum who doesn’t want to add to my son’s unhappiness. I’m lucky that I still have him, which makes things easier.

My son has been in touch daily over Christmas, and sent pics and videos. It’s hard to see this lovely little girl being hugged and kissed by her other grandparents, and their extended family, but she seems very happy, and that’s what matters most.

I’m glad that we all got through another Christmas, and pray that our heartache eases a little in the New Year....Rosy.x