Christmas Sadness.

So sorry for all your unhappiness.It sounds like the support thread for estranged grandparents is a really good idea.

Just a thought. Might it help to write a letter to the mother of your grandchild -acknowledging that there have been difficulties - but giving her some credit for any good things you might be able to think of! and explaining that you will continue to be interested in the welfare of the child whatever has happened between her and your son. And that you would appreciate some regular news, and to be able to send presents even if visiting would be difficult at the present time? Even if she does not answer it, you will have said what you wanted to say.

Years ago,I had a very difficult mother in law, of whom my now ex husband said prior to our marriage that the more he liked a girl, the more his mother hated her. It was clear from the start that I was never going to be good enough - as a result of which, when she chose to move to the other side of the world after her own divorce, I did not feel inclined to make sacrifices to go over to see her frequently! However, in time things improved, and when her son and I divorced after many years, she sent me a lovely, totally uncritical letter saying many nice things and that she thought I had been a very good mother. Don't give up.

So many sad stories here, ladies! Lots of (((hugs!)))

Rosy, tbf, dil may not have visited you when you were ill because of her pregnancy. She may have felt she needed to protect herself and her unborn child. If ds was calling/visiting you, etc., she might not have felt that a card or call was necessary from her either. It would have been nice, of course, but she might not have seen it as "necessary."

What's happened since gd was born is hard o fathom. I have a feeling you're suffering the external effects of problems in the marriage. I'm so sorry about that.

Imo, you were very loving and courageous to make the sacrifice you did for ds. I know Xmas is an especially hard time in these situations. But I wish you a peaceful one.

suebeck, and others who may wish to see it, this is the link to the support thread for estranged grandparents. I hope you find some help there.

www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1240156-Support-for-Grans-cut-out-of-AC-GC-lives?pg=10

Rosy you’re doing the best you can under sad circumstances. Enjoy the time you have with your son.

No solutions, but think you’re a very kind and thoughtful woman x

What a sad state of affairs and such pointless selfishness from your DIL it certainly sounds as though she just wanted to become pregnant by your son,has she gone back to her own Country or does your son still have contact with the child ? I hope he does.
I count my blessings every time I see my DGCs as nothing like this has ever happened in my family.Enjoy your sons company next week

Karma !!

It’s heartbreaking that there are so many cruel women out there denying children the love of grandparents. I so hope Karm exists ??

I can't find the other thread on this terrible situation.

Hello . It's ten years now since I saw my granddaughters. One is just 18 and the other 15. I find every birthday and certainly Christmas extremely distressing.

Hello everyone.

Well, with my inimitable flair for technology, I seem to have lost my account, so am now using one from years ago.....which I also lost at the time. Anyway, I'm still Rosy!

Thank you all for your kind words, they really do help. I think perhaps coming face to face with my mortality - or maybe it was all the morphine! - helped me put things into perspective just a tiny bit. Also, I was a qualified counsellor with the BACP for many years before I retired, so maybe that's helped.

My son is coming home for four days next week, which is wonderful. However when he's gone, I'm left feeling so emotional. I try to hide it whilst he's here......but he's a bright lad. His wife has lost the most amazing husband, and knowing that gives me no pleasure....Rosy.x.

I'm so very sorry. Here's sending a huge bunch of flowers ? to you
Certainly, I know myself that the sadness that is always with you in a situation like this is so much more magnified at Christmas - a time when you imagine all other families to be having a wonderful time together. But the reality is that it just isn't like that for many people.
You sound a lovely person and my heart goes out to you x

Dear Rosyglow, I am so sorry to hear of your problem. I am in a similar situation, not having seen my grandson for several years. This time of year is particularly dreadful in that respect, and these days I see it as something to be got through. You can’t get away from it, and are bombarded from all sides with “Christmas cheer”, which makes you feel as though there’s something wrong with you if you’re not having M&S Christmas. I have to remind myself that for most people it’s not like that, many are struggling to afford it, having to put up with relatives they can’t stand, etc.

The standard advice given to grandparents in this situation is to contact Grandparents Plus, but in recent years the emphasis of this organisation has switched from supporting non-contact grandparents to supporting those who are bringing up their grandchildren. To be honest they have little to offer non-contact grandparents, of which there are thought to be at least a million in the UK. A better option is the Bristol Grandparents Support Group – a voluntary organisation offering advice and support to non-contact grandparents not just in the Bristol area but throughout the UK. Their website gives details of about 20 local support groups in the UK, including the one I run in Worcestershire. I’ve found that it makes all the difference just to be able to meet and chat with those in a similar situation.

It’s likely that you haven’t done anything wrong – in my experience a lot of these issues are fuelled by jealousy. While current UK law doesn’t give grandparents and grandchildren any automatic right of contact, during the past year there have been several debates in parliament around this issue and related areas, a lot of coverage in the national media, and the issue was recently raised (by Nigel Huddleston MP) in Prime Minister’s Questions. A Green Paper on this subject is in the pipeline. I hope this helps, and good luck!

Rosyglow what a sad story. You have been so caring and brave accepting your DILs coldness and lack of concern. How hurtful that must be.
My son became infatuated with a girl from eastern Europe. He paid for her to come over. From the start she made it clear my son was hers. She came with nothing didn't work and relayed on him. She got pregnant within 2 mths and has made it clear I am not wanted. I have seen my 2 yr old gd only twice. Son does as he is told and he is upset with the situation. He apologised but she has said she will take the child back home abroad if he tries to include mee in their lives. In less than three years I seem to have lost my son who now has a little girl I cannot see. I feel for others. This spitefulness isn't unusual

Sounds to me like the woman just wanted to have a kid, and having got one, disposed of the sperm giver and his entire family. I bet she does the same to another man and his family when she wants her next kid.

She sounds jealous and insecure about the close relationship you have with your son.

Rosy what a poinent and sad post you sound such a sensible lady letting your head overrule your heart to try to keep the situation manageable There is not a hint of bitterness just sadness I take my hat off to you it would be so easy to slate your daughter in law and you haven’t I so so hope things will change for you you seem to have gathered the strength to be patient I truely hope that patience pays off and you get to see your little granddaughter soon I m glad your son keeps close to you I can only give you my sincere thoughts and hope your situation changes for the better . ?

Rosyglow so sorry to hear of your sadness. Well said Cornergran. Lots of us have an idealised view and expectation of the Christmas we would love to have, with family or friends and it's hard to get to a place of acceptance that the reality is very different and to celebrate whatever we do have in our lives.

Oh rosy sometimes when we do the right thing we cause ourselves pain. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Christmas is a time that triggers memories, good and bad, and also reminds us of the future we planned in our heads only to discover it’s out of reach. I can only hope your sadness is manageable and there will be some joy this Christmas time. .

I don't have any words of wisdom - I really wish I did.
I just wanted to acknowledge your post and all of the hurt that you are feeling

How brave of you to accept what you cannot change in spite of the pain to you.

So sorry to hear this Rosyglow and think you have been/are a wonderful Mother to have been so unselfish.
If the relationship is over, he may hopefully meet somebody else a lot kinder than your first DIL.

Rosyglow have PM'd you

You get it don't you Madgran?. Thank you.

Thanks MissAdventure. I have taken part previously in the thread you mention, but as I'm thankfully not estranged from my son, my situation feels different.

There are other threads but there is a real poignancy for Rosy about Christmas sadness and an individual post not part of a general support thread can maybe help a bit with that ...xmas is a particular hard time I suspect