Grandchildren's attitude

I am grateful that my daughter has always limited screen time for her kids. When I pop in , which is often just for an hour as they live quite near, one of them may be cleaning the chickens or playing in the garden or building Lego (boy, 10) and the girl now just 13 will stay around, but on her phone if her mum and I are chatting. But if it is a “proper “ visit eg around Christmas we all play a board game together.

With my other grandchildren we had a games evening, they chose Monopoly, and they are 13 and 16.
So whilst it is up to the parents to sort out rudeness, maybe everyone could join in a game together for an hour or so, then it is surely ok if they go off after that whilst the adults chat. A bit of effort and give and take on all sides.

To me it is the age for the 12 year twins. The 8 may be following to be 'grown up' the same, I think.

apart from that very rude comment which should have earned an instant reprimand from the parents, I think that was pretty normal behaviour. I remember being forced to sit in a room with my elderly grandparents and listen to the grown ups conversation - it was very boring. My own mother was brilliant with my children and although she did not see them that often, she arranged to come and watch their sports matches/swimming competitions etc. So she showed them great support, was interested in what THEY did and knew most of their friends by name. All of her grandchildren's friends adored her (usually she came armed with chocolate cake!). So perhaps if you get interested in what they are up to you may find the relationship being more natural.

My dd teaches her kids to say "Thank you" for gifts. If it's 'just clothes," though, they don't always do it very enthusiastically, unless maybe it's a particular type they want. Did you check to see what the kids would really like, Jules? That might make a difference next time.

Is it possible the parents have been having some struggles with them, particularly the 12s? They are "at that age," aren't they?

Or could it be the kids find it "boring" to spend time with adults?

Maybe the parents decided to "pick their battles" and as long as they joined you for dinner and came down to say "goodbye," they were satisfied.

The "not next to me" comment was rude, imo, and should have been corrected. But that's up to their parents, of course.

Imo, dh could have said, "that hurts my feelings." I don't think that would have been overstepping, just saying how he feels.

Other than that, I think you have to leave it to the parents. It's their decision what to teach their kids, not yours, even if you don't agree.

It certainly is so different nowadays. Last Christmas DD2 with SIL and their 4 children; eldest two 18 and 19 ( they say they're like the Queen and had two batches, ten years apart) and two youngest 7 and 8. Eldest was on phone texting when they came to us for lunch so, when it got to serving puds, I texted her and asked what she would like! It got a reaction-lol!

Totally agree chrisinefrance in fact we are stopping sending gifts to dh relatives as don't even get acknowledgment.

I don't see anything draconian in good manners
How horrifyingly to let child rip open gifts without even seeing who they from! What is that teaching them?

I guess they just have way too many gifts but not enough time given to teach them how to behave possibly?

Yes things are more relaxed but that does not excuse bad manners. I had to behave very formally as a child and would not like to see a return to those days. However I think gifts should be received gratefully and a thank you given. In fact my husband & I decided today that one adult grandson would not receive any more cards or gifts as he never gets in touch with us. It is so easy these days with emails, Whatsapp etc. Unfortunately the down side of that is the constant presence of screens.

I recall with horror the being forced to sit in a room with visiting distant relatives or family friends of my parents while the adults droned on and on about boring subjects and having to thank people I hardly knew for gifts I didn’t like! Obviously I taught my own children to say thank you and to call or write a note to thank for gifts but I did not make it the draconian exercise in Victorian style manners that I was subjected to? I am glad things are more relaxed these days

Celebgran...No it's not taught now unfortunately. I used to have my 3 get straight on the phone to thank whoever had sent gift. Everyone has too much on their minds these days. They don't even read the tags to see who has sent the gift.

Apart from the 'sit down but don't sit next to me' comment they sound pretty normal to me. On boxing day we had our nine year old plus all my grandchildren ranging from 8 to 2. Straight away the 9, 8, 6 and 3 year old shot upstairs to play. One of the 2 year olds was asleep and the other was totally mardy (as usual) and stayed on her dad's knee. Apart from 'hellos' and 'goodbyes' nothing much was said. When they left kisses and hugs were given by the 2 year olds (yes mardy madam is always happy to say goodbye lol), 3 year old and 8 year old but the 6 year old boy would rather be locked in a dark cupboard with spiders that give anyone a hug. He's just growing up. Our 9 year old doesn't do hugs either.

I know the feeling Julesmm. The grandchildren who have stayed most here are no 14 & 16; The last time, as with others, on their phones a lot (although their parents do try to control that.)
Now we're moving back to England (from rural SW France) I was surprised when our son said they were quite upset about it, they loved coming here.
We're going to miss it too

I don't think thanking people for gifts politely should be false it's just good manners.

IMO it something I taught both my kids as essential part of common courtesy if someone been kind enough to choose you a gift.

Maybe it's not taught now?

It is definitely a different world out there now, I recall visiting my gran and sitting silently at the table unless directly involved in the "grown up" conversation. Our two eldest granddaughters, aged 24 and 21, were obnoxious during their mid-teens (though never rude), but they are now an absolute delight. Maintaining regular contact is the key, but I appreciate this is difficult.

It is definitely a different world out there now, I recall visiting my gran and sitting silently at the table unless directly involved in the "grown up" conversation. Our two eldest granddaughters, aged 24 and 21, were obnoxious during their mid-teens (though never rude), but they are now an absolute delight. Maintaining regular contact is the key, but I appreciate this is difficult.

To be honest I think you are making too much of this. The 12 year old girl is probably hormonal and teenagery my own 3 daughters were not pleasant or polite company in their teen years yet are now accomplished, intelligent and delightful company as young women! I have an 7 year old grandson and although he will come and give me a hug when I arrive this maybe at least as much due to the fact that both he and his mother lived with me until 7 months ago and therefore he misses my daily input into his life, however even with this he quickly rushes off to play with his minecraft figures or his Lego or on his PS4?

Think that Bluebelle has really hit the nail on the head. Does sound pretty normal behavior for the age groups and only difference from when our children were small is that the computer has to a degree replaced books. Also, this time of the year is such a strange time and family dynamics are usually a little overstretched. Children are over-excited and often have had large sugar rushes. I know a couple of children whose mother insists that they totally over-react with adults. So, if you give them even the smallest present they have to come over, give the adult a cuddle and say how grateful they are for the pressie. It is all so very false. Much better for kids to behave normally, and that is that they are not very interested in inter-acting with adults they do not know very well.

Oh yes. The OP hasn't asked for affection- just mentioned that they aren't overly affectionate (I misinterpreted). I'm not sure what kind of reaction she was hoping for from grandchildren but feel that it must be difficult for them given they have a very limited relationship. Children are not adults and shouldn't be held to the same standard.

Sounds pretty normal Please don’t take it personally most of my grandkids seem to spend lots of time in their bedrooms talking to friends on phones, tablets or games It’s their form of entertainment I used to sit in a corner and read a book while the adults talked Same but different
You only see them occasionally so they are not that familiar with you 12 is a funny old age and the 8 year old will copy wanting to be cool Enjoy your time with the adults and don’t expect to much from the kids if they were made to stay in the room they would be moody grumpy and resentful let them get on with their own thing and enjoy your time with the adults

Don't worry, they'll more than likely change as they grow older. All our DGCs are in their late teens and early twenties now and I remember once calling out, 'If the mountain won't come to Mohammed' as I stomped up the stairs when they failed to appear to say goodbye.

We've just had a lovely Christmas with the same children who are now only too happy to spend time with us so it looks as though 'Kevin the teenager' is a thing of the past for us.

I can't see where the OP has asked for hugs and kisses though. They were hoping for a hello, a goodbye, a thank you and perhaps a couple of minutes of polite chat. Basic courtesies really, that children of this age should manage before disappearing off to their bedrooms. For a 12 year old to say sit down, but not next to me is rude and hurtful. My 4 year old DGS would have been told off for that!

I don't think it was said that the children should have hugged them.

Although I saw my grandparents a lot I had some aunts and uncles who visited very rarely. I was expected to sit in the room while they visited but I don't remember ever speaking to them. I wouldn't have known what to say really.

I wouldn't hug and show affection for a relative I barely knew either. Sorry but I feel that you are being unreasonable.

no child should ever have to hug anyone against his/her will.Surely thats what we're teaching them now.I hated having to hug or kiss relatives and my family were close and saw each other most days so I knew these people .If they dont see you often they wont know what to say to you...

Agree granny activist our oldest step grandson is slightly autistic so when he gave me present s I ask if ok have hug and he says yes, occasionally he will initiate it but younger one is more tactile which is lovely I was so pleased when he followed his mum and gran outside to greet us.

I can remember shuddering when told to kiss an uncle by my aunt who I was v close to but not so keen on uncle ?so I guess we all go through awkwardness but manners is a different thing.

Without sounding rude that is down to the parents.