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(13 Posts)
marylane1996 Fri 19-Jan-18 18:32:27

I am only allowed to see my grandson once a week. We are not allowed to go out but to sit in the lounge.I went over today and he announced he wanted to go out with his friends not stay in with me. Though hurt I said to his dad I would rather he played out and not sat bored with me as he says he has been a lot. My daughter and I are estranged,she has mental issues so there is no hope of seeing him at get togethers which are few and far between. Is this the end of my relationship with my grandson as we live a half an hour drive away and I am sure my daughter is delighted that the relationship is broken down as she has always made the rules and I jump. Would appreciate any ideas as I have a 20 year old granddaughter who lives with her boyfriend and she doesn't bother with me despite the fact she says she loves me lots. On my own and just feel family has broken down completely

tanith Fri 19-Jan-18 18:45:12

Sounds really difficult for you Maryland I'm not sure how old your grandson is but I'm afraid this is what happens as our grandchildren grow up , especially once they have friends/boyfriends/girlfriends , it's not that they don't love us but others company is more interesting and exciting.
I don't have any advice apart from keep contact going if you can by phone calls, texts .

Eglantine21 Fri 19-Jan-18 19:02:03

Would you consider buying an Xbox and learning to play a few games? That might appeal. Or can he have friends to play as well and you can be Nanna in the background?

How old is your grandson?

OldMeg Fri 19-Jan-18 20:00:19

I’ll second the idea that you try to get interested in something he enjoys. You should see the world I’ve created in Minecraft! 🙄😁🤓

marylane1996 Fri 19-Jan-18 20:11:55

Tried to get him to go on the x box tonight but he didn't feel like it, he is 11 years old and friends are not allowed in the house without his mothers permission and she wasat work.

marylane1996 Fri 19-Jan-18 20:17:16

Not allowed his mobile number my daughter makes contact very difficult and I am sure after 3 years of his mother never being present when I visit he is wondering what is going on. My daughter says she hates me as I gave her a bad childhood by putting her in an adolescent unit for OCD and anorexia. The hospital had tried everything and this was the last resort. Admittedly it was not the nicest of places and broke my heart to send her there but she would have died otherwise. Never get a sign of love from her,

Eglantine21 Fri 19-Jan-18 20:23:32

I'm so sorry you have all this pain to bear. I'm afraid I don't have any help to offer flowers

Synonymous Fri 19-Jan-18 20:45:54

Do you get out and about yourself marylane? Even if you use a bus pass to visit places around then you could give him an idea of the wider world in which you live by going somewhere every week and sending him a postcard. Could be a zoo, a garden, a ship or a canal boat, a farm or a museum or art gallery. You could try to intrigue him with the many things of interest in the world which you are busy exploring and it would give your own thoughts a different direction and purpose. There is a chance that DGS may want to expand his horizons eventually and at the very least it could make you more interesting to him and as a by product it could give you wider horizons yourself. Just a thought anyway. Life and relationships can be so difficult but I hope things improve for you. flowers

M0nica Fri 19-Jan-18 21:07:47

marylane, like others all I can offer is sympathy. I also wonder how much longer your DD will be able to control her son so closely. At 11 he is on the cusp of adolescence and fairly soon he is going to rebel about all his mother's strict rules and life could get turbulent.

Hang on in there, because he will need probably need someone outside the family home who can provide unjudgmental love and support and that person could be you.

Do you ever play board games with him? They can be bought cheaply at Charity shops and a lot of children have only played computer games and find board games fascinating. At Xmas we introduced our DGD, aged 10 to scrabble. She beat me and couldn't wait to do it again.

Feelingmyage55 Fri 19-Jan-18 21:20:50

You rightly sound very sad, but having known an eating disorder sufferer, you have actually saved your daughter's life by finding her a residential place. It is clearly very hard for her to accept your role. However can you look at two other positive points that shone out to me (just a suggestion)? Your daughter has created a family and work life. That is an achievement of which you both must be proud. Have you ever congratulated her on this in some way? I am sure you have but .. Sometimes we are too close to see. Also your SIL has you round every week and clearly wants you DGS to have a relationship with you as in fact does your daughter though clearly with little great warmth. Nonetheless access is there. Others will be better at advising how to make the visits go well but please, show up as usual, have a cup of tea with your SIL and maybe ask if there is a weekly magazine that you could drop off for DGS on your visits - material I know but keeping that door open. Good luck.

Feelingmyage55 Fri 19-Jan-18 21:27:53

Girls of 20 - I could write a book! What about once a month quick coffee or supper when she is late night shopping? Tell her 20 minutes, keep it fun, light, short and sweet.

marylane1996 Sat 20-Jan-18 08:06:48

thank you all so much unfortunately these visits are once a month not weekly and timed for one hour and a half. My SIL is great but has to do what my daughter said, he tried speaking out a few times and she left him. Obviously there were other issues which is private to them but I have tried board games, sent pictures of me in New York and I feel that the whole situation is unnatural. I cannot join in with the rest of the family, my SIL has two great sisters I get on with well at least I used to but see them perhaps once a year now and have never been to there homes. Was really ill last year and nearly lost the plot completely but now help out at a local school which I enjoy but though the children are sweet they ae not my grandchildren.

Eglantine21 Sat 20-Jan-18 08:30:24

No not the same at all. I remember from a previous post we were all racking our brains for things he might enjoy with you, like board games. I'm afraid he's at the age, like most 11 year olds, when what he enjoys is his friends and granny hardly figures. It is what happens but your circumstances make it so much more painful.
Likewise with the twenty year old. She does love you but just doesn't think! I'm ashamed now to say I was the same at her age. It didn't occur to me that my grandparents wanted more contact with me than they had. Or that they missed me when I went off to London. I understand now.