Overwhelmed

I totally get where you are coming from but I fear things will get worse before they get better. I speak from experience. Your daughters marriage will need to be extremely strong to survive the children growing up. I adopted and what’s tricky at age 5 can be an absolute nightmare as the children move into high school. The expectation of adopters is that they will cope with little support but there is an adoption support fund now that can be used to help. Parents elderly and at distance is also going to be extremely stressful as they become frailer. Warrington does have some small surrounding villages that may offer a better experience in terms of community. Lymm, Winwick or somewhere a bit further but close by like Knutsford, West Kirby or Rainford. Going back to Cornwall will put all the issues at a distance and may protect your sanity. Otherwise you will need to prioritise who and where you support. Your daughters issues are lifetime ones and by being there you are not only supporting but you are enabling. They won’t go away. I do hope you find some peace. In the meantime there are some beautiful national trust parks and gardens within an hour ifcwarrington to recharge your batteries.

I am in CBT (Cognitive Behavourial Therapy ) for life issues. The one thing I have learnt through this is my covert life rule was "I am responsible for everything and everyone-but I need someone to depend on" we are now working on the rule change to which is now through this process "I am responsible for me-which equips me to care for others"

In other words self care first. Your heading for a breakdown as your exhausted and depressed. That's why I shared what I did above

You need to get some therapy to help you work through this and regain control of your own life. Essentially you are enabling your daughter and son in law to stay stuck in their problems as you are doing way too much for them. They are giving nothing back.

They are living in the problems and not the answers. You need for your sanity to get help for you. You can't carry on like this.

They wont like it and it doesn't mean you can't still help however you have to live your own life too. They adopted the children and it is down to them to find ways around everything.

I totally get ill health. I have had mental health issues from a young age. After finally fleeing the ex 17 years ago with my now adult children I had a mound of physical problems appear as aftermath to my life story.

I too have CFS, a stomach and bowel condition, fibromyalgia and the threads/symptoms of it along with mental health issues which are more managed today than they manage me. I have learnt how to manage them daily

I wish you well and feel for you. You aren't going to change your daughter and son in law so you need to empower your own life by finding a plan that works for you. Good luck.

You’ve just had a chest infection! Such a downer. Also there are some lovely smaller places to live in Cheshire so you wouldn’ T have to move far. And I get a very warm vibe from your relationship with the adopted grandson. Sometimes when you are spread thin from being over needed and think your own needs are not being fulfilled you may overlook that many of our needs are being needed. (Phew) you are honest hardworking strong and you can do it. Have a look in villages in south of Cheshire perhaps on a railway line ... (expensive part of the country though) or you could move up to the lakes ...near the dales. So much beauty up north. Get a dog get grandson to stay and to look forward to staying. You can do it. And you’ll still be near your daughter ... good luck

My goodness, vwaves, you really need to look after yourself now. By the way, has your daughter ever contacted the ME Association? It's online, just type in ME Association UK. Cognitive behavioural therapy isn't always helpful and some people find that graded exercise therapy actually sets them back. NICE is going to revise its guidelines but not for a couple of years.

Meanwhile, good luck!

Like some others here I feel tired just reading of all the things you are coping with. Eighteen months isn't a great length of time and maybe given another year you will be looking at a better picture regarding making friends, but you certainly do seem to be shouldering a lot of burdens for others. There is good advice here that I certainly couldn't improve upon but I do wish you well and maybe having got this all off your chest you will feel lighter today at least. I hope so - good luck with everything.

Go back to Cornwall. You and your life is every bit as important as anything else.

Did your daughter know she had CFS when she adopted the children? Or has this been the result of the adoption process?

Plenty of people manage to raise a family with poor health, I did, she can find ways to cope that don't involve swamping you with responsibilities.

You alone are responsible for your own happiness, Cornwall is fabulous, Warrington and Prestatyn hardly compare to a beautiful place where your friends and former life are.

If you don't sort yourself out, your own health will break down and you may not be around much longer to help anyone. Worst case scenario you could become someone they have to help.

{smile}

Oh that is interesting Nellie. Where did you move from?

She got ill after she took on the children. But I must say she is one of those always looking for the next thing. A purchase, holiday, parrot (that was a disaster) and of course you can't return adopted kids. I must say I am bit shocked by how little support there seems to be available. I looked into homestart yesterday but that is for under fives.
My Cornwall friends did say daughter would end up just taking me for granted and that is the snag with being here all the time! But I must say I was struggling with the drive from Cornwall to Warrington/Wales. It is a long way Lots of food for thought!!!!

Warrington has two U3A groups for 50+ retired and semi-retired. You will find groups in these with many activities and outings.
Trips, holidays, social and interest groups, all part of The Third Age trust,aka U3A.
I moved to the area and love the walks, villages and being able to get to Manchester,Chester and Liverpool.

I firstly want to congratulate you on doing so well in such difficult circumstances- you are being pulled in many different directions and must be exhausted. So remind yourself of everything you are doing right often!

CFS is associated with depression, and an old doctor colleague used to say he could diagnose clinical depression because it was "catching" - he felt a bit depressed when he left. Could you be a little understandably depressed now too? If that could be lifted would solutions come to you a little easier??

I agree with others that your daughter needs much more input for her son and sadly depending on where you live that can be a bit of a task to get - and fighting is hard when you are exhausted and depressed. Support groups can help show the way through the maze.

Ring fencing some time regularly in your callendar for you would really be of benefit and so not selfish- if you are well you can better help others. Do anything you find positive but you are not available at that time.

I worry for your SIL too - so many husbands in special needs families cannot cope and leave - so very many. I fancy he needs more support than he is expressing and worse yet may be difficult to support. Unfortunately they often find the "support" elsewhere if they do not feel valued or believe they have failed and have nothing to offer.

As to your geography I think it is general unhappiness you feel that is being projected onto the place - Cornwall would also have its issues now- sometimes it is the time we long for rather than the place.

You will get through this! Be patient with yourself! Be kind to yourself! Love yourself and remind yourself of all you are doing right! Clearly you are a very caring and loving individual with huge patience and devotion to family!
You should be proud of who you are and all you do!

Hi vwaves
We moved from Cheshire to Cornwall 6 months ago, not made new friends yet, but will when I get out and about.

I agree with some that say come back to Cornwall, you need to do what makes you happy, stress is bad.
Your family will learn to cope. They must have others who can help,

You obviously miss Cornwall, just come back.

Take care and let us know what you will do.

Junie

vwaves I do hope getting it all off your chest has helped to give you a new perspective. I agree with all the others who have said that you have no need to feel guilty and really do need to care for yourself as much as you care for others
As a Warrington girl myself (though I haven't lived there for many years) I can understand how drastic the difference is between there and Cornwall but there are lovely villages and small towns in the surrounding area where you might find a life style which suits you better. And moving a bit further out would make your DD and SiL realise that they have to learn to cope better on their own.
As it happens I am off to Warrington tonight for a 2 week stay to visit family and friends. By the end of the fortnight I'll be more than happy to come home to Cyprus!!

My younger daughter lives 3 hours away by car and has also adopted a little boy that had a troubled start to life. I love him dearly and would love to be a bit nearer so that he could help with him as he can be rather a handful. Thankfully she has found a school that is really supportive and has a really good circle of friends to turn to for help, or just a shoulder to cry on or have a rant with! It took a while to get his condition recognised (same as your grandson) and many a tear was shed in the process. A great deal of patience and love are needed and I can imagine that you all must feel overwhelmed at times. The rewards are boundless and worthwhile, hang on in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel

Is your daughter's depression partly due to regret for her losing fertility. It does creep up on women in middle age as children grow up. Counselling might help her.

It sounds as if you are doing a great job with your grandson. Please, under no circumstances, give up on him, boys are very vulnerable after that start and above everything, need stability and reliable adult contact.

As the others say, you have got to change something before you make yourself ill. I think you should talk to your daughter and son-in-law and let them see how unhappy you are where you are living. Tell them that you want to help and thought it would only be temporary at first, but you are trying to do far too much and will have to start saying No for your health's sake. Retirement ought to be when you can enjoy your time living your life how you want to.

For me the first thing would be moving to a greener place. I know how important that is for me. I used to go to stay with my son and his family in London, only a few days at a time, but I used to start feeling depressed at being surrounded by ugly buildings and traffic as soon as I arrived. I think it would finish me off to live in such a place. Although I loved my son and his family, I was always glad to get back home to my own garden on the edge of countryside.

I hope you find a solution.

There’s such a fine line between doing too little & too much. And it’s not easy to say no.

But nothing is worth you being ill or unhappy. I think we are of that generation which wants to give back to others, quite forgetting our own needs, especially if we live alone.

It took me a while but I now try hard not to do things which I don’t enjoy. I also work hard to give my family space. I moved to be close after my husband died but I love my home and have a small network of friends.

Good luck with getting the balance right in your life. I am sure if she needs to that your daughter will manage. She will get tgevhelp she needs, I’m convinced of that.

Too late now, but when grandparents move to a totally different area for their kids' benefit they should perhaps consider renting first for a year and renting out their own property to see if they like it first. Then they can return home if it doesn't work out.

Your daughter has a husband so she is not your total responsibility any longer and your parents still need you (can you share the stress there with any siblings?). She and her husband should not have taken on adoptive children (especially a difficult one) if she was so ill. If you are truly unhappy then sell up and go back home and keep your caravan nearer to your daughter so you can just go up and stay there during school holidays to help out or have your grandson to stay with you.

They don't seem to appreciate you much and they coped while you were away on holiday and at your parents. Think of yourself and your own happiness. Your family will have to come up with more coping strategies if you are not there so much.

Gosh no wonder you feel overwhelmed? I can quite understand why you are struggling with living in Warrington if you were living in Cornwall before. I live by the coast in Sussex and before that the same in Dorset. I would be deeply unhappy living in a very urban non coastal environment and I can only imagine what a change it has been. My advice would be to think about moving back to Cornwall where you have friends and support; that way your family can visit you on your terms, even maybe having the DGC for small holidays to give DD a break? If you carry on like this you will make yourself ill? and as others have said you too have a right to be happy. we do only get one life.
Good luck with whatever you do

Stop thinking about everyone else and put yourself first. Your daughter is an adult and can look after herself. So she has CFS. Well I lot of people do and get on with their lives. I was diagnosed with ME when my DDs were little. It wasn't always easy but I brought them up, kept house etc. I'm not bigging myself up here. Lots of people do it. Is she letting you do all the work just because it makes her life easier?

Your parents are elderly but obviously cope when you're not there so you don't need to drive yourself to exhaustion when you do visit.

You have a right to your own life. Now you've moved to Lancashire why not use that base to find somewhere in the area where you'd rather live. Would you be better in a village nearer to Manchester or further out into the countryside? You're not in a rush to move so you can take your time and find somewhere you'd really like to live. Limit the time you give to others. Don't feel guilty and don't feel obliged. You brought up your son and daughter. They've moved on and made their own lives. You don't have to keep propping them up. The same goes for your parents. They brought you up to have your own life not to be their carer. I'm not saying don't have anything to do with your family but do it on your terms.

Hello, my heart goes out to you. Cornwall to Warrington...must have been a very hard move! If you had a best friend and they were in this situation...what would you say to them?. Everyone has a choice, your daughter chose to adopt...there must be systems in place to support her...has she been down that avenue...family therapy maybe, so everyone is on board to help the little boy and girl. Be your own best friend...listen to your heart, then head! Good luck

My word you made me tired just reading your post ,like others have said you need to put yourself first good luck whatever you decide ?

Now your parents have some care in Sussex, I wonder if you could spend a bit of time there just to get your thoughts together and give your daughter and SiL a chance to step up to the plate with your grandchildren. Don’t get sucked into caring for your parents, though.

For the last six months my adult foster daughter and her 5 year old daughter have been living with us due to her mental health issues leading to them becoming homeless. It now looks like my foster daughter is going to prison for a fairly serious offence and we will be caring for my foster granddaughter for some considerable time .
I love my granddaughter but for the last 6 months I have put my life on hold . I have now decided that it’s time to claw back some life for myself before it’s too late , I am 66, and I start resenting my granddaughter. So please have a think about what’s best for you while you too still can enjoy life.

Please think of yourself more or you will make yourself ill with all the worry .. you have had a chest infection so maybe you are low already. I think it’s important for all your family to know exactly how you are feeling, because you have become “ Wonder Woman” to them all, they will just presume you are coping with everything just fine. To live somewhere you clearly do not like is bad enough, but then to have to cope with everything else on top.... you cannot mend everything for everyone and your family must recognise your own distress. I so hope you find some peace of mind and solutions, but as others have said SIL needs to step up to his responsibilities. Sit them both down and talk or things will only get worse for you. Good luck ?