How to help anxious DIL?

All you can do is offer practical support as you seem to be doing now . It seems you are saying in a round about way that your DIL is not coping and this is impacting your Son , you seem to be putting all the blame on your DIL as if she is not trying hard enough . Maybe she does have mental health difficulties but you really have to step back and let them deal with this as a couple , your son obviously loves his wife and must have known that she was a bit highly strung before he married her . Having a new baby in the house is very stressful for anyone and I don`t blame him for not wanting to leave her alone with a crying baby but they will survive as do all new parents .

Reading the first part of your post could have been written by me today but my gd is 20 so DIL's stress is not related to a new baby. I think she really needs to have a talk to her GP as it could be PND but may well have made her existing anxiety even worse. Her problems are causing issues with both your son's health and their income so he may need to gently persuade her to seek some help. It sounds as though you are providing as much support as you can at the moment as well as her own parents. I'm sure it will ease as the baby grows but right now neither of them can see past the next few days let alone the next few months.

As your DS is also feeling highly stressed, could he talk to your DiL in terms of them needing help coping with stress, so that she doesn't need to feel that it is she who has the problem. Given the circumstances you describe it does sound as if both need help.

Your DIL does sound as if she has extreme levels of anxiety and becoming a first-time mother brings with it a whole lot of new anxieties.

Your son must be worried himself and these levels of anxiety could transfer themselves to the baby which could end up making matters worse.

At least she is managing to breast feed which is good and does indicate a degree of relaxation to enable breastfeeding to be successful. They are having some help in the home too, so she sounds as if she is in need of much reassurance that she is doing the right thing.

I agree that the best way to suggest counselling would be if it came from your son.

I am sorry to have been so abrupt

It does sound as though your DIL has a long-standing mental health problem in the form of anxiety.

If she had a broken leg, your DS would not be dashing around trying to help her without first making sure she has had an x-ray and the leg is in plaster.

This is no different - she needs treatment for her mental health problem for everyone's sake.

Add in a move and a new baby and you have a very worrying combination.

She needs to start by tackling the underlying basic problem.

Thanks Maw - some good ideas.

A friend of mine who saw her recently commented as to whether she may have PND but then another close friend of DIL said "but DIL is always like this!".

They already have massive support in terms of meals every night, help with ironing etc etc. I still work full time so have to limit my practical support to evenings and weekends. Fortunately we live v close so I am able to just pop in for a couple of hours, which I try to do regularly.

I mentioned to her yesterday about babysitting but she is worried about expressing as that will then stimulate her milkflow more.
So, although I have offered - and given practical help - it's really about whether I suggest they consider some kind of counselling. DS is really under considerable strain. Treating your DC as adults doesn't mean you don't worry about them, Aggie

Maw Your comment about possible counselling coming from him is spot on!
I would never suggest it directly to DIL.

Have you considered your DIL May be suffering from postnatal depression? You could encourage your DS to seek help for her (always better to come from him than MIL unless you have a really good relationship)
You don’t say whether they live near you or not, but if within easy travelling distance how about practical help.
Offer to childmind one day a week (allowing for breastfeeding if she is)
Call it “Magic Mondays” or “wonderful Wednesdays” , a day (or afternoon, whatever) when DIL can do whatever she likes, meet friends, have a nap, shop in peace or anything. Your DS will know the baby is in safe hands, he can relax and get on with his work.
You say your relationship with her is good and that is wonderful. The more support she has from her family the better able she will be to cope.
Being a first time parent is hard enough in itself.

Sorry but this sounds like a typical new baby household ! Do you send round a few ready to heat meals for them ? Tell your son to relax and see if you need to but out or give support , they are adults , treat them as such