How to help anxious DIL?

Sorry but this sounds like a typical new baby household ! Do you send round a few ready to heat meals for them ? Tell your son to relax and see if you need to but out or give support , they are adults , treat them as such

Have you considered your DIL May be suffering from postnatal depression? You could encourage your DS to seek help for her (always better to come from him than MIL unless you have a really good relationship)
You don’t say whether they live near you or not, but if within easy travelling distance how about practical help.
Offer to childmind one day a week (allowing for breastfeeding if she is)
Call it “Magic Mondays” or “wonderful Wednesdays” , a day (or afternoon, whatever) when DIL can do whatever she likes, meet friends, have a nap, shop in peace or anything. Your DS will know the baby is in safe hands, he can relax and get on with his work.
You say your relationship with her is good and that is wonderful. The more support she has from her family the better able she will be to cope.
Being a first time parent is hard enough in itself.

Thanks Maw - some good ideas.

A friend of mine who saw her recently commented as to whether she may have PND but then another close friend of DIL said "but DIL is always like this!".

They already have massive support in terms of meals every night, help with ironing etc etc. I still work full time so have to limit my practical support to evenings and weekends. Fortunately we live v close so I am able to just pop in for a couple of hours, which I try to do regularly.

I mentioned to her yesterday about babysitting but she is worried about expressing as that will then stimulate her milkflow more.
So, although I have offered - and given practical help - it's really about whether I suggest they consider some kind of counselling. DS is really under considerable strain. Treating your DC as adults doesn't mean you don't worry about them, Aggie

Maw Your comment about possible counselling coming from him is spot on!
I would never suggest it directly to DIL.

It does sound as though your DIL has a long-standing mental health problem in the form of anxiety.

If she had a broken leg, your DS would not be dashing around trying to help her without first making sure she has had an x-ray and the leg is in plaster.

This is no different - she needs treatment for her mental health problem for everyone's sake.

Add in a move and a new baby and you have a very worrying combination.

She needs to start by tackling the underlying basic problem.

I am sorry to have been so abrupt

Your DIL does sound as if she has extreme levels of anxiety and becoming a first-time mother brings with it a whole lot of new anxieties.

Your son must be worried himself and these levels of anxiety could transfer themselves to the baby which could end up making matters worse.

At least she is managing to breast feed which is good and does indicate a degree of relaxation to enable breastfeeding to be successful. They are having some help in the home too, so she sounds as if she is in need of much reassurance that she is doing the right thing.

I agree that the best way to suggest counselling would be if it came from your son.

As your DS is also feeling highly stressed, could he talk to your DiL in terms of them needing help coping with stress, so that she doesn't need to feel that it is she who has the problem. Given the circumstances you describe it does sound as if both need help.

Reading the first part of your post could have been written by me today but my gd is 20 so DIL's stress is not related to a new baby. I think she really needs to have a talk to her GP as it could be PND but may well have made her existing anxiety even worse. Her problems are causing issues with both your son's health and their income so he may need to gently persuade her to seek some help. It sounds as though you are providing as much support as you can at the moment as well as her own parents. I'm sure it will ease as the baby grows but right now neither of them can see past the next few days let alone the next few months.

All you can do is offer practical support as you seem to be doing now . It seems you are saying in a round about way that your DIL is not coping and this is impacting your Son , you seem to be putting all the blame on your DIL as if she is not trying hard enough . Maybe she does have mental health difficulties but you really have to step back and let them deal with this as a couple , your son obviously loves his wife and must have known that she was a bit highly strung before he married her . Having a new baby in the house is very stressful for anyone and I don`t blame him for not wanting to leave her alone with a crying baby but they will survive as do all new parents .

I don’t think Fenton95 is blaming DIL, she is just concerned for her (and her son’s) welfare, which is perfectly understandable - as loving parents we never stop worrying about our children. As someone who suffers with mild anxiety from time to time it must be quite debilitating when it is long term and I can understand how exhausting it must be for all concerned. I do hope your DIL can get the help she needs and life can normalise a little for you all. ?

Can I ask where her own family and friends are in all this? It does seem that your own son is carrying his wife and that she could do with a wider response from family and friends. Sometimes people do not realise how fraught and stressful the first months can be, even for a much wanted and loved baby.

My own daughter has a new baby, now three months old and I do sympathise with you all. Her mil sends instruction and criticism from afar but does little to support either of them. Apparently her nerves will not allow it.

How about a massive campaign of positivity and compliments on her abilities as a new mother. I was a very nervous one first time round, never having had much to do with babies.

I’ll never forget my MIL coming round, sweeping past the dirty dishes and general muddle and pronouncing, “What a beautiful baby. You are doing well!”

Likewise I was with a friend’s daughter and her new baby when she confided in me how anxious she was. I said “You’re talking to the woman who searched the bottom of the cot for snakes (in Surrey)”. She said “You mean this anxiety is what everyone gets?” and felt normal.

I guess my point is that we tend to become what other people think we are. Let me do that or I’m worried about leaving you with the baby crying can be so often felt as “because you’re no good at it” if someone is feeling unsure of themselves anyway. And then they get even more anxious.

Lots of “You’re a wonderful mother. You are doing well” might pay dividends.?

Some people are prone to anxiety. I myself have suffered it all my life. Meditation and relaxation techniques can help and she can be referred for these by her GP. Some medications can also help. Unfortunately sometimes its just how we are.
As for your sons oseophogus problems I too have suffered this for about 15 years, and the best advice I can give is to take a large mouthful of Gaviscon Advanced before lying down to sleep, as it stops acid coming up from the stomach into the oseophogus

Take a deep breath, it sounds like a long term mental health problem. GP is only the beginning. Read for yourself about OCD, if she does not want to change there may be worse to come. Also Globus Hystericus, might have got the spelling not quite right, is worth reading about, I feel for your son. producing more milk is not a bad thing, where is that coming from? Sorry but the colluding pattern will continue if the cycle is not broken.

Sounds like she has always suffered from a generalized anxiety disorder which will have been exacerbated by having a new baby to care for/ worry about. Her GP or health visitor would be a good place to start with this, if she wants to address the problem. It sounds like she needs to tackle this for everyone’s sakes.

Your DIL has a mental health issue - she won't thank you for wading in and suggesting she seek counselling or some other form of talking therapy, but as a starter you could offer help in several ways and make the point that new mums need some 'me-time' - they need some 'self-care' and that might include a pamper session, some relaxation classes etc., which may possibly be available on the NHS - if you can steer her into a frame of mind where she accepts this you should be able to progress a little further, to 'how are these relaxation techniques helping you - do you think you might benefit from some one-to-one relaxation/talking therapy?' - you have to get both son and DIL to the point where they accept this help otherwise the generalised anxiety will transfer to the child - no doubt at all.

I think some posters are missing the fact that the OP's DiL was emotionally dependent well before she had the baby.
Her son must have known this throughout their relationship and when they married.
Having a baby would only have exacerbated the condition and I feel sorry for the OP's son as it will always be like this. He will end up being a carer for his child AND his wife...doing all the things she should be doing as a wife and mother.
She sounds utterly selfish if she can't see the burdens she's placing on his shoulders and the stress that it's causing.
Having a baby isn't an illness. You should be able to care for your husband, your child and your home. If you are too fragile to cope then don't have kids.

Dear Lord, is it any wonder there are so many posts about estrangement on this forum!

She mentally ill, has OCD, doesn’t wasn’t to change, shouldn’t have had a baby in the first place......

I hope the OP doesn’t take this amateur diagnoses and condemnation as a guide in dealing with DIL.

Your son chose his partner knowing her difficulties and then they went on to have a baby and move house and they must have realised it would exasperate the situation if the underlying causes for her anxiety weren't attended to in the first place.

It is a fact of life in nearly 100% of cases that the more you do for people, the less they want or expect to do for themselves. This applies just as much in your DinL's case as it does to people who chose to build their village 3 miles from the nearest watering hole and then expect a young girl to go and fetch it with a pot on her head and no shoes. In both incidences, I'm afraid, the situation will never change if they are continually allowed to go on in the same manner with no effort on their own part to do something about it. Harsh comments but true. People need to want to change and be willing to put in the effort and that often means withdrawing the crutch they have come to depend on too much to give them the impetus.

It doesn't sound as if your DIL has any other family nearby who could ease her anxieties re the new baby and to give her reassurance that she is doing just fine.

Some new mothers do manage to cope better than others but most new babies, particularly first born ones, come with a little label attached to their ankle: "Along with love I bring you a bundle of anxieties".

It's early days - baby is only 8 weeks old - added to which they had the house move - apparently high on the list of traumatic experiences.

No wonder your DIL is feeling overwhelmed. I hope you are able to reassure her and that she has other family and friends nearby who can help too.

Many good suggestions here already, but there is one issue that seems to have escaped general attention.

Your son is running his own business AND taking time off to help his wife every time she can't cope with anything!

If your son is not either to continue having health problems, or loose customers or go bankrupt, he will need to understand and make his wife understand that in business hours, his business comes first.

Right now is probably not the best time to tell his wife this, as she is coping with a new baby - the first at that, I believe and what sounds like a long-lasting case of mental illness.

But, please do try to talk to your son about this aspect of the matter. Did your DIL work before the baby was born and is she intending to go back to work, or is your DS the sole supporter of his family?

I hope I do not sound harsh here, I do know that it does no good to try and get someone who does not think they have a problem to seek medical care and that mental illness is still stigmatized, where a broken limb isn't.

I suffer from anxiety and can identify with some of the issues. However your DIL's condition is extreme and she needs medical intervention.

I do genuinely sympathise with your DIL. What an upheaval! Moving house and a new baby. If I may suggest that as you live close by, you could offer to come in on a specific morning (s) or afternoon(s) and have a bit of a routine to help. This will allow your son to know that on that day, his wife is being supported. It might also help your DIL relax to know when you are actually going to be there.
I’m not of the school of get up and get on with it. Your son and DIL are at their most vulnerable and it’s fantastic that you are able to be there. Of course the dreadful anxiety suffered by your DIL needs addressing and a sympathetic GP should be high on the agenda. Yes, in time you want them to become independent, but for now...be there. They are so lucky to have you and you will never regret the extra time you gave to help them out.

You may have seen I suggested this yesterday Nanos ?