How to help anxious DIL?

Daisyboots, I will definitely be looking at cherry tablets for gout. I became extremely depressed and lethargic on the gout medication whilst the IBS just became unmanageable. Thank you for that tip.

Thanks Daisyboots

I think he knows about cherries being good for the condition but he may not have come across these particular tablets. Will mention them.

Lots of good advice from previous posters. The only thing I will add may help you DS with his gout. After my elderly mother developed gout in her 90s and the medication had side effects which were distressing her I looked into nonmedical help for her. I discovered cherry tablets arevery good at stopping attacks starting. Of course cherries also do but you cant get them year round. As as she started on the tablets the side effects went away and she never had another attack of gout. My DSIL thinks he has the best MIL because he suffered with gout from a young man but once he since taking the Cherry tablets he hasnt had another attack in the last four years. Cherry Active from H and B are the ones we use.
I do hope your DIL gets the help she needs because it cant it can't be good to always feel so anxious.

I will also investigate HEADSPACE. Thankyou Disney

Many helpful comments. I am already trying to affirm DIL as a good mother - which she is - and a capable mother, which she can become.
I think PPs are also right when they say that DIL and DS have got into this dynamic to a certain extent with DS being the " coper ".
I will reinforce her confidence and encourage DS to consider some GP help for them both.
As I said previously, I work full time so can only offer practical help evenings and weekends - when I have the energy!

It sounds as if your son was coping ok before the baby, but now is feeling the strain.

Things will settle down I'm sure. It's early days and the dynamics of their relationship has changed forever - and with that comes much anxiety & worry about life. I think it's par for the course really, except in this situation it's more emphasised by your dil's personality.

I guess your son will just have to trust in his wife and try to stop worrying. He'll soon spot if things are getting out of hand.

In the meantime, all you can do is offer support when and if you can. Just be there.

We were in the same position OP but it was my daughter who suffers from anxiety and my SIL who had to pick up my he pieces. It is a stressful time for everybody who has an 8 week old baby so it will be worse for your DIL if she has issues. There is so much to be anxious about with new borns. I think positive comments can do no harm and it may be that your DIL could do with additional support from an agency who deals in helping young families. You could ring MIND for pointers, they are fantastic, or the Health Visitor could signpost you to a group who your DIL could get a mentor from. There is loads of help if you know where to ask.
Is your DIL asking your DS to stay home for her when the baby is crying or is your son just worried? I listened to a conversation with my DD and SIL where she vented and then he came home. From where I was sitting, it just sounded like she needed to vent and he just needed to listen before giving a bit of reassurance but suddenly, he became a ‘rescuer’
Which then led to it being a more stressful situation than it needed to be. You need to be sure there is no co-dependence going on before DIL gets all the blame for your son’s stress. It is a very common dynamic for overly anxious people in relationships.

My Dd suffers with anxiety and ptsd. She is Having counselling but also finds the app HEADSPACE amazing. We've seen a huge difference in her since she started that. May help. X

Rather than pathologising the DiL, it does rather sound as though it might be more a 'symptom' of the dynamics of the marriage and how they transact.

It won't change until your son wants it to and at the moment he continues to invite more of the same, whether he realises it or not. There will be a reason for that: perhaps it suited him in the beginning

If your son is not either to continue having health problems, or loose (sic) customers or go bankrupt, he will need to understand and make his wife understand that in business hours, his business comes first

Tread warily if this is your genuine opinion. Parenting takes two not the old demarcation of “‘Er indoors while Dad goes down t’pit.”

Look for a better solution, there have been many alternative, and good, suggestions.

You may have seen I suggested this yesterday Nanos ?

I do genuinely sympathise with your DIL. What an upheaval! Moving house and a new baby. If I may suggest that as you live close by, you could offer to come in on a specific morning (s) or afternoon(s) and have a bit of a routine to help. This will allow your son to know that on that day, his wife is being supported. It might also help your DIL relax to know when you are actually going to be there.
I’m not of the school of get up and get on with it. Your son and DIL are at their most vulnerable and it’s fantastic that you are able to be there. Of course the dreadful anxiety suffered by your DIL needs addressing and a sympathetic GP should be high on the agenda. Yes, in time you want them to become independent, but for now...be there. They are so lucky to have you and you will never regret the extra time you gave to help them out.

I suffer from anxiety and can identify with some of the issues. However your DIL's condition is extreme and she needs medical intervention.

Many good suggestions here already, but there is one issue that seems to have escaped general attention.

Your son is running his own business AND taking time off to help his wife every time she can't cope with anything!

If your son is not either to continue having health problems, or loose customers or go bankrupt, he will need to understand and make his wife understand that in business hours, his business comes first.

Right now is probably not the best time to tell his wife this, as she is coping with a new baby - the first at that, I believe and what sounds like a long-lasting case of mental illness.

But, please do try to talk to your son about this aspect of the matter. Did your DIL work before the baby was born and is she intending to go back to work, or is your DS the sole supporter of his family?

I hope I do not sound harsh here, I do know that it does no good to try and get someone who does not think they have a problem to seek medical care and that mental illness is still stigmatized, where a broken limb isn't.

It doesn't sound as if your DIL has any other family nearby who could ease her anxieties re the new baby and to give her reassurance that she is doing just fine.

Some new mothers do manage to cope better than others but most new babies, particularly first born ones, come with a little label attached to their ankle: "Along with love I bring you a bundle of anxieties".

It's early days - baby is only 8 weeks old - added to which they had the house move - apparently high on the list of traumatic experiences.

No wonder your DIL is feeling overwhelmed. I hope you are able to reassure her and that she has other family and friends nearby who can help too.

Your son chose his partner knowing her difficulties and then they went on to have a baby and move house and they must have realised it would exasperate the situation if the underlying causes for her anxiety weren't attended to in the first place.

It is a fact of life in nearly 100% of cases that the more you do for people, the less they want or expect to do for themselves. This applies just as much in your DinL's case as it does to people who chose to build their village 3 miles from the nearest watering hole and then expect a young girl to go and fetch it with a pot on her head and no shoes. In both incidences, I'm afraid, the situation will never change if they are continually allowed to go on in the same manner with no effort on their own part to do something about it. Harsh comments but true. People need to want to change and be willing to put in the effort and that often means withdrawing the crutch they have come to depend on too much to give them the impetus.

Dear Lord, is it any wonder there are so many posts about estrangement on this forum!

She mentally ill, has OCD, doesn’t wasn’t to change, shouldn’t have had a baby in the first place......

I hope the OP doesn’t take this amateur diagnoses and condemnation as a guide in dealing with DIL.

I think some posters are missing the fact that the OP's DiL was emotionally dependent well before she had the baby.
Her son must have known this throughout their relationship and when they married.
Having a baby would only have exacerbated the condition and I feel sorry for the OP's son as it will always be like this. He will end up being a carer for his child AND his wife...doing all the things she should be doing as a wife and mother.
She sounds utterly selfish if she can't see the burdens she's placing on his shoulders and the stress that it's causing.
Having a baby isn't an illness. You should be able to care for your husband, your child and your home. If you are too fragile to cope then don't have kids.

Your DIL has a mental health issue - she won't thank you for wading in and suggesting she seek counselling or some other form of talking therapy, but as a starter you could offer help in several ways and make the point that new mums need some 'me-time' - they need some 'self-care' and that might include a pamper session, some relaxation classes etc., which may possibly be available on the NHS - if you can steer her into a frame of mind where she accepts this you should be able to progress a little further, to 'how are these relaxation techniques helping you - do you think you might benefit from some one-to-one relaxation/talking therapy?' - you have to get both son and DIL to the point where they accept this help otherwise the generalised anxiety will transfer to the child - no doubt at all.

Sounds like she has always suffered from a generalized anxiety disorder which will have been exacerbated by having a new baby to care for/ worry about. Her GP or health visitor would be a good place to start with this, if she wants to address the problem. It sounds like she needs to tackle this for everyone’s sakes.

Take a deep breath, it sounds like a long term mental health problem. GP is only the beginning. Read for yourself about OCD, if she does not want to change there may be worse to come. Also Globus Hystericus, might have got the spelling not quite right, is worth reading about, I feel for your son. producing more milk is not a bad thing, where is that coming from? Sorry but the colluding pattern will continue if the cycle is not broken.

Some people are prone to anxiety. I myself have suffered it all my life. Meditation and relaxation techniques can help and she can be referred for these by her GP. Some medications can also help. Unfortunately sometimes its just how we are.
As for your sons oseophogus problems I too have suffered this for about 15 years, and the best advice I can give is to take a large mouthful of Gaviscon Advanced before lying down to sleep, as it stops acid coming up from the stomach into the oseophogus

How about a massive campaign of positivity and compliments on her abilities as a new mother. I was a very nervous one first time round, never having had much to do with babies.

I’ll never forget my MIL coming round, sweeping past the dirty dishes and general muddle and pronouncing, “What a beautiful baby. You are doing well!”

Likewise I was with a friend’s daughter and her new baby when she confided in me how anxious she was. I said “You’re talking to the woman who searched the bottom of the cot for snakes (in Surrey)”. She said “You mean this anxiety is what everyone gets?” and felt normal.

I guess my point is that we tend to become what other people think we are. Let me do that or I’m worried about leaving you with the baby crying can be so often felt as “because you’re no good at it” if someone is feeling unsure of themselves anyway. And then they get even more anxious.

Lots of “You’re a wonderful mother. You are doing well” might pay dividends.?

Can I ask where her own family and friends are in all this? It does seem that your own son is carrying his wife and that she could do with a wider response from family and friends. Sometimes people do not realise how fraught and stressful the first months can be, even for a much wanted and loved baby.

My own daughter has a new baby, now three months old and I do sympathise with you all. Her mil sends instruction and criticism from afar but does little to support either of them. Apparently her nerves will not allow it.

I don’t think Fenton95 is blaming DIL, she is just concerned for her (and her son’s) welfare, which is perfectly understandable - as loving parents we never stop worrying about our children. As someone who suffers with mild anxiety from time to time it must be quite debilitating when it is long term and I can understand how exhausting it must be for all concerned. I do hope your DIL can get the help she needs and life can normalise a little for you all. ?