Paternal Grandparents Advice Needed

iam64 I’m very fond of my dils mum too, partly because it is thanks to the family values that she instilled in my dil from childhood that encouraged my dil in be so nurturing of not just my relationship with dgs but the relationship between the two of us.

baby1 of course their priorities are each other, but it would be unhealthy if they had no interests outside of that. I’m not quite sure what you mean? I do not know a single woman who prevents her husband from seeing his friends while spending all her time with her own mother.
My ds does shifts, and frequently works evenings, so dil used to have dinner with her mum that night. This is something they still do, only at dils house instead, so dgs routine isn’t affected. Dil also used to spend one evening a week visiting her very elderly grandmother, her mum went the same night, a tradition they had kept up since dil was a child (not something she can do now with the baby) My ds used to sometimes make plans that night if he wasn’t working, sometimes he enjoyed staying home and playing on his computer games. He also regularly attends a pub quiz, leaving dil and dgs at home. Neither of them have ever begrudged these things. They’re grown adults in a very healthy marriage, not posseive teenagers.

The point I was making is that the bond between my dil and her mum didn’t change just because she had a baby. Not every visit is a ‘grandmother’ visit, sometimes it’s just a mum and daughter catching up. My ds had free evenings when he & I could have arranged to get together, but we never did. So our relationship when dgs was born was completely different to dils and her mums. Once I was able to understand that I became much happier.

Reading these type of posts always frustrates me as it just seems like some people are out to cause family dramas with this 'it's not fair' business.

OP, carry on as you are. You are choosing to see your parents becuase they are your parents and not becuase they are your DCs grandparents, presumably you would see them with or without your DC present. If your MIL wants to see her GC more then you DH needs to arrange that, you aren't the gatekeeper for a relationship with his child, he is. You've already got enough going on without having to manage other people's relationships.

For what it's worth, I see my parents around every 2 weeks with 9 month old DD and DP invites his family round every 3-4 weeks. The only fuss that's been made is that DP doesn't take DD there, but that's due to smoking so that's just something they have to accept. And once I go back to work my parents will certainly not be seeing us that often as between work, being a part time student, visiting both sets of parents and our siblings and having time as a family it will just not be feasible. My parents won't like this as they saw both sets of grandparents every weekend, but I hated that growing up and don't want to force that onto DD. But then my mom never worked, so had plenty more time available. I think some people forget that with more women having jobs after DC, family time becomes more limited.

SpaniLnanny. Most adult children do change the amount of time spent with their parents after they marry. They have their own family now. Just like adults that marry don’t expect to continue seeing their friends as much as they did before they were married. If both continued on as they had been they would have no time for each other let alone a baby.

SpanielNanny - thanks for your post, I'm the mat.gran and have a good relationship with the other gran thank goodness.

Baby1, you're right that everyone should try to be respectful of others feelings, what goes around comes around. I don't know any women who expect to continue to spend time with their mothers but expect their husbands to stop seeing friends they golfed with, watched sports and played cards with. No one in my family or friendship group, from those in their 70's to those in their 20's behave in that way.

mummyofone88
I wasn’t speaking directly to you , I guess it was more advice I was given and have read on line. In some situations one set of grandparents sees their grandchildren once a month, and the other set many times a week. The set that gets all the time will obviously be way closer to their grandchildren. No as others said they are not toys, and they see who the parents want them to see starting at a young age and that usually continues throughout childhood. Like someone posted above, it seems like grandparents have too much time on their hands and need to find things for themselves, not competing to see their grandchild. I agree, if you are the set of grandparents that doesn’t get much time, find hobbies and stay busy. But that is where some resentment can come in, and someday they may feel they were pushed aside and they will not want to be involved. Mymmyofone88 you are giving both sides time with your baby, which is wonderful. As others posted about relationships before marriage it is two fold. If a daughter saw her mom all the time because they were best friends, they feel even after marriage they should continue seeing them that much. I know men that had best friends that they golfed with and played cards with and watched sports with. When they marry, their wives expect them to not spend time with his best friends, but the wife can continue to spend Fulldays with Mom, because it was her best friend. Everyone should just try to be respectful of others feelings because what goes around eventually makes it way back.

There are some very good posts on this thread. I’m very impressed with how well some Gransnetters are able to express themselves ?. Hope some replies have been helpful to mumofone88.

Reading posts here I’ve been surprised at how much some grandparents expect to be involved with their grandchildren. My real life experience of other grandparents is that they have lots of other things going on in their lives and grandchildren are only one part. They help out when needed and enjoy occasional visits but don’t expect (or even want!) too much involvement- they’ve reared their own children and now want some time for themselves.

Oh baby1, please may I give you a little advice that I was given when I was feeling similar to you? Just because a woman becomes a mother, doesn’t mean she stops being somebodies child.

My dil saw her mum at least twice a week before dgs was born, I was lucky if I saw my son twice a month. They also used to have girls days, theatre trips, coffee dates etc. This bond didn’t disappear just because my dgs was born.

Now I want to be completely honest, my dil is fantastic. She has been very forgiving when I have behaved less than desirably, and it is thanks to her I see my dgs every week. She is the one who keeps me up to date on how the little family is doing, and I get several photos sent every week. My son actually made a comment recently that somehow dil got luck & sees her mum less now dgs is born, but he’s stuck seeing me more - I’m choosing to believe it was meant in good humour!

When my dgs was very small he struggled to gain weight. Dil was adamant something was wrong, despite health visitors claiming it to be a feeding issue. Because of this, dil was forced to take my dgs to clinics every week. If my ds didn’t go, dils mother did. I was so hurt, why wasn’t I being included? I found out later (from my ds) that dil left the clinic in tears, every single week. Her mum wasn’t in the room when dil chatted to health visitors, she used to wait outside to give dil privacy. What she did was comfort her distressed daughter when they left.

It turned out, dil has been correct, dgs did have a health issue (thankfully now resolved) but this required a lot of tests and hospital appointments. Dil sent the same ‘copy & pasted’ text to us all with any info following these, but guess who she turned to for comfort when she was scared? Her mother. The morning of one particularly frightening test, my son chose to go to work. Dil phoned her mum, very upset and scared, so her mum went to keep her company. My dgs didn’t know who was there, he didn’t know he was due to have tests, he wasn't nervous or scared, dil was. Her mum could make her a cup of tea just the way she liked it, and hold her hand while she was crying.

My dgs and dil were both recently rather poorly with a virus. I found out dils mum had visited twice to help on evenings when she wouldn’t usually go. I’d had my usual, very pleasant, (but shorter than usual, due to them both being ill) weekly visit. I felt very jealous, why wasn’t I asked to help with dgs? I was being pushed out as the paternal grandmother! It was only when I bumped into dils mum, who told me how very worried she’d been about my dil. She knew my dgs was been well taken care off by dil, she was concerned about her own little girl. I admit, I felt rather ashamed of myself after speaking to her. She hadn’t been there as Gran to dgs, but to mum to my dil. All my dgs needed was his mum, my dil. That’s what he had. She needed somebody.

What I’m trying to say is that yes, it is important to remember that paternal grandparents love their dgc just as much as maternal grandparents. But I think sometime we as grandparents need to remember that sometimes, the other grandparents are there as parents to their ac, not as grandparents. Could you offer the same comfort and support to your dil as her mother does? I’m not sure I would be that good at it.

Please don’t let petty jealous ruin your grandparenting experience. I almost did, I’m so grateful people stepped in and spoke some sense to me before I did.

I am bothered you the comment that your mother 'lets' you hold your baby whilst paternal GP s say ' it's their time'. Baby should have his wishes considered, and as you are the closest, you know what is best for him. He is not, as so many have said, a toy to be taken turns with. You and your husband are the parents and therefore the decision makers, until he is older. GPs are there to help and support, not take over. I wonder if your husband can let them know that in some way?

@baby1 I think you have misunderstood I am not giving my parents more grandparent time... They are my parents, I want to see them as parents as they raised me for 29 years and I love to be with them. I have never really spent time with my Mother in Law alone, who didn't want to spend time with me alone or make a effort at all to see me on my day off until I had a baby. I am not picking them over her as grandparents who get to see their grandbaby I am picking to see them as they are my parents? Imagine if your son took patenrity leave with a child and his wifes mother said he had to spend a full day a week with her if he spent the day with you and it wasn't fair he saw you? You are his mother and it shouldn't have to be equal between mother and mother in law. He told her she will be seeing baby more than my parents when I'm back working full time but she isn't taking it in. I have been printing photos and not putting them on Facebook at all as don't want jealousy. I am going to try to see her for coffee when I can but not a full day. I have never said no if hubby wants to see pil on weekends but she spends most visits complaining she doesn't see baby enough! I think once a week is alot compared to friends who see their family and I'm saying once a week and I'll try more so if she 'backs off to not be let down further' I think she is cutting her nose off to spite her face!

Babies won’t remember which grandparent cuddled them most. The needs of the child come first, then the parents and lastly the grandparents and other extended family. A relationship with grandparents builds over time, this notion that “seeing” a baby should be spread out equally doesn’t make sense to me. If the mum wants to spend time with her mum that sounds fairly normal. As long as you are part of their lives how much time exactly you spend together versus the other side of the family, is irrelevant. There are numerous ways of building your relationship with your GC.

What is wrong with these people who see grandchildren as somehow their 'property' and expect 'equal rights' to the other sets of grandparents. Babies don't belong to anyone.

I'm shocked the suggestion that because paternal and maternal grandparents love the children in the same way, they should have 'equal time' with their grandchildren. Babies and children shouldn't be shared around like they are comfort blankets. Some adults need to grow up.

A baby is not a toy to be shared for goodness sake. I commend you Mumofone88 for coming on here and trying to find a constructive solution to your difficulty, but why oh why are young parents being put into this position by seemingly selfish grandparents?
Last week I stayed with my daughter throughout her labour and the birth of her third child. When it was explained that only two partners are allowed for the actual birth her mother-in-law, who was also present throughout the labour, left the room until after the baby was born. I returned home the following day whilst her mother-in-law took a week off work and stayed at my daughter's home to help out. We didn't discuss or compare how much time we each had cuddling the baby or who got to have pole position at the birth; we simply responded to the needs of baby's parents. My daughter-in-law and son are expecting their first baby in November and, as she has more free time than me, I fully expect my son's mother-in-law to see more of them after the baby is born than I will - and I'm delighted that is the case as I expect they will value her help and experience. As the baby-to-be's Nana and Granny we are both excited at sharing a prospective grandchild.

Agnurse Like I said, if you aren’t on the receiving end, you wouldn’t get it. You compare it to kids fighting, they have no emotion in their sqabbles, it’s in the moment. When a grandparent is left out there are a lot of feelings involved. Just because Mother’s have sons instead of daughters doesn’t mean they should accept getting way less time ad a grandparent. A lot of dil’s really do try to keel it somewhat balanced so no one is made to feel lesser of a grandparent. I am talking about if both grandparents live in similar proxemitg to the family.

If I understand the OP correctly, her family’s extra time is temporary. Once she returns to work, her DH will see his parents “most days”. If I have that right, does MIL umderstand that the balance will shift and it’s not a long-term arrangement that excludes her?

Baby1

How much time each grandparent gets is not the business of the other grandparent. To be honest, this sounds similar to young children saying "How come he gets it and I don't? It's not faaaair!" MIL is already seeing the baby weekly.

My parent see our daughter more than Hubby's parents because we are in Canada and Hubby's parents are in the UK. We have visited tbe UK twice since our marriage and we see my parents every few months. Growing up, we saw Mom's parents every couple of months (2 hour drive) and Dad's parents two or three times a year (6 hour drive) and we didn't do Christmas with Dad's parents when we were little because the roads and weather were often poor. This didn't affect our relationship with our grandparents at all from what I could tell. If Hubby and I are able to have more children, I will likely allow his parents to visit when baby is 2 to 3 months old and has had first shots. This is because MIL and SFIL would be coming from another country, 9 hours on a germy airplane from London, to see the baby. It's not about keeping them away; it's about protecting my newborn from germs.

I suggest focusing on what you do get as opposed to what you're not getting. Unfortunately I think the advent of social media has made the "granny wars" worse because people share photos and you can see the good times they are having with the other grandparents. This MIL's going on about what she's not getting isn't making her a pleasant companion and likely isn't going to encourage OP nd her husband to spend more time in her company.

Try to treat the grandparents on both sides as grandparents. Don’t allow one side to be grandparents and the other side just visitors. It will cause resentment. If you have a son, remember you too will be the paternal grandmother some day. Too many paternal grandmothers being pushed aside on this forum, and yes I’m one of them. It’s not a competion, and you can say don’t be jealous, but in the end until your the one in the situation you have no idea how it feels. You become a grandparent and so does the other grandparent. Why should one get twice as much time when you both care the same amount and have the same amount of love to give? It will cause problems because it’s hurtful, so if you continue on the way it’s been, you will most likely have a negative relationship with mil, or she’ll just back off completely as to not be hurt and let down further. Good luck to you, and enjoy your new baby!

Thank you for all your comments, I love the one's about me and my husband, I forget sometimes he's our baby and we should have us time because he's so new we are constantly spending our free time showing him around and have hardly any time for ourselves as a family! I think if I am ever in town doing errands or going food shop I will text and ask if she wants to meet for a drink, isn't all day and is only an extra half hour or so on top of what I am already doing but will hopefully help, I love seeing my parents, my mum has always been my best friend so I don't want to stop their visits! She helps me clean and we catch up on our shows together it's a nice break! Also when my mum is over she lets me hold my baby whereas as soon as I enter parents in law house it's 'their time'. My husband admitted that his mum might not be upset if she saw me with my parents for the day and realised she holds the baby for longer than them! I agree with all the comments about how hard the grandparent tallys are! I wasn't aware of it til I had a baby and how common it can be!

*agnurse I suggest starting by shutting down her guilt trips.

"MIL, how much time I spend with my parents is not your business."

"MIL, this is how often we're going to be seeing you. If you persist, we will be ending this visit/conversation."

Then follow through. If she whines, she gets one warning. If she keeps it up, the conversation is over or she leaves.*

MumofOne88 Well I agree that you need to talk openly with your MIL but I don't think there is any need to do it in the style above!!

Maybe instead:

" I can see that you are upset with me. Lets talk about it...why are you upset?" Listen!

Depending on reply ...explain your perspective including re time etc; include how much you enjoy the times you do all spend together; tell her you want her to have a lovely relationship with her grandchild; talk through some suggestions that work for both of you (maybe lunch at intervals; a coffee at intervals; etc) Say that with your schedule including lunch a day a week with your Mum which you have always done, and wish to continue, you can't manage a whole day every week with her; but you would like to see her regularly ...etc etc!!

In other words be kind but gently firm about what you choose to compromise on and what you don't. She is a hurt human being (acting childishly but hey, we all do sometimes!!) which may not be justified but is human!! If you want to stop it all escalating ridiculously think of her as human not "dreaded MIL" and build a relationship around that, within the new context of a grandchild in the relationship.

None of this is "giving in", its just "building relationships." I hope that she engages with you as , as I know from experience, if one person refuses flatly to engage, one can do nothing!

A step gran and 'third' gran here so perhaps a bit more objective. In this family I see a maternal gran who monopolises all events and a paternal gran who misses out on virtually everything. Not easy for the latter. Me? Have seen the grandchildren about 3 times in 4 and a half years, never get invited to gatherings or asked to babysit - so I don't enter into the equation but that's life. I hasten to add that the maternal gran has absolutely no realisation of how blessed she is. I often feel like dropping a hint, but am wise enough now not to venture on such a path .............

It is very important that new grandparents do not get themselves tied up in what I call "granny wars." I think the "other" grandmother of two of my DGC probably does see them more than I do - but she is younger and fitter, and I go with the flow - just enjoy the time I do have with them.

I think you should not get in a twist about all this - it is truly not your problem; and as others have said this is a precious time with your baby for you and your OH to enjoy, so please try not to let this dominate your life.

It is sometimes very hard to predict when someone might take offence when none is intended - usually the person has a bit of a black hole somewhere in their life that you are not responsible for in any way; and cannot take as on as your problem to solve.

Perhaps send the same email to both sets of GPs and say how busy your life is at present and that you need to concentrate on your baby when you have the time from your work; and that you appreciate their role in the child's life and are looking forward to that developing over time.

Your MIL is a bit out of order to take the hump over this, but it is often a case of a mismatch of expectations.

Hope you can find a way through this and enjoy the lovely new person in your life.

Eglantine21

The grandmother is acting as if she's a spoiled child. OP's baby is not a toy that needs to be "shared". How many times did your children say, "But so-and-so gets X! How come I don't?" What was your response?

OP isn't obligated to listen to MIL whinging that she doesn't get enough time. My concern is that if she gives in to MIL's demands, MIL will learn that this type of manipulative behaviour gets her what she wants. OP has the right to determine how often MIL sees the baby and it sounds as if MIL already sees them fairly frequently.

My parents live 4 hours' drive from us. My ILs live across the ocean. Consequently, "fairsies" simply doesn't happen. My ILs have never expected that things would be "fair", nor would it be reasonable for them to do so.

Oh sure, go ahead, do what agnurse says. There’s so much conflict and misery in the world I don’t suppose a bit more will make any difference.........

I suggest starting by shutting down her guilt trips.

"MIL, how much time I spend with my parents is not your business."

"MIL, this is how often we're going to be seeing you. If you persist, we will be ending this visit/conversation."

Then follow through. If she whines, she gets one warning. If she keeps it up, the conversation is over or she leaves.

Keep your priorities.
Keep breast feeding your baby; nurture your relationship with your husband,and keep talking so you can work out what is best together.
I may be in an unforgiving mood today, but I think that people in general (and specifically in this case grandparents) who make too many demands will just end up with what they deserve.
And I write as the mother of sons. I expect my DiLs to turn to their own mothers more than to me, and I regard my job being to offer support as much as I can.
I think Eglantine's idea a good one.

I agree with MOnica. You and your husband have your own family now, and your parents will have to deal with it.
We never arranged any specific times to see our parents, though the Bodach’s mother took a long time to realise we wouldn’t be at theirs for dinner every Sunday!