Gransnet forums


Always a Gran

(60 Posts)
Nanny41 Wed 23-May-18 09:41:20

Today I am frustrated, angry and sad, not a good combination.
My Daughter contacted me last evening on e mail, she seldom talks on the phone, always e mails!
Her daughter my Granddaughter, is 18 on Friday and my Daughter asked if I could join them to celebrate on Friday at a restaurant in the City but will I come ALONE not to bring my OH ( second Husband not her Father) but they are having a celebration in a fortnight and we are BOTH welcome then!
What do I say, I couldnt believe what I was reading,I politely said we have other arrangements for Friday, the answer from her being "I thought you would have kept that evening free" I had asked time and time again, if they were doing anything special for the 18th Birthday, and hadnt received a reply until yesterday.
Now of course I feel I am letting my Granddaughter down, why is it we always end up having a guilty conscience! Any thoughts Gransnet?

midgey Wed 23-May-18 10:04:21

Sounds like an intimate immediate family only on Friday, surely not difficult to change your plans? There is only one eighteenth birthday isn’t there?

Gerispringer Wed 23-May-18 10:06:28

Maybe they invited your ex? Maybe its an expensive restaurant and they want to keep numbers down who knows unless you ask? Would your OH mind if you went on your own?

Anniebach Wed 23-May-18 10:07:53

Is your first husband alive , if so will he be there ?

stella1949 Wed 23-May-18 10:13:04

It will be very obvious if you don't go - your granddaughter could feel very hurt. I'd put my own feelings aside and just go.

You don't say how long you've been married / whether your OH has been welcomed to the family before.....but in any case, none of this is your GD's fault. Stick a smile on your face and just turn up.

Nanny41 Wed 23-May-18 11:17:28

First Husband isnt alive. OH would feel left out, but I think he would pay for himself if he had been asked.
You are all right, there is only one eighteenth, thanks for your comments.

Nanny27 Wed 23-May-18 12:05:52

I would understand you and dh being hurt. Unless there have been problems between him and your granddaughter I think it is unacceptable to ask you to go without him.

humptydumpty Wed 23-May-18 12:10:39

I agree with midgey. Your DH (not her father) will be invited to the later celebration, it seems fine to me.

Norah Wed 23-May-18 12:16:29

Do you need DH for transport? If not please go alone.

Madgran77 Wed 23-May-18 17:10:01

I would go on my own for the sake of Granddaughter!! I would also ask the reason why OH has not been invited to this celebration that you understand the thinking behind it

BlueBelle Wed 23-May-18 17:24:24

Agree with madgran I can understand you feeling hurt but as they are asking you both to the next celebration they obviously don’t have anything against him
How long have you been remarried ? Was grandaughter and family very fond of real grandad ?
At the end of the day you need to go for the granddaughters sake but it does need to be out in the open, why he is being left out?

GillT57 Wed 23-May-18 18:21:09

You don't say how long you have been married to your husband, maybe your DD and DGD don't see him as their stepfather/grandfather, rather as your husband? This doesn't mean they like him any the less of course, but perhaps an event such as your DGD's 18th birthday is a time for family who have known her since she was a baby. Your DH has been asked to the other event, so I think you have taken offence where none was intended, and have hurt your DGD. I would suggest you contact your DD, say you have changed the plans you have as you would love to come to the family dinner, and that you and your DH will love to attend the other event at a later date. Just read some of the heartbreaking posts on here from grandparents who are not part of their children and grandchildren's lives, and don't be so quick to take umbrage, life is too short.

Besstwishes Wed 23-May-18 20:39:13

I really would ask your DD why your OH isn’t invited, as the other posters have said, it isn’t your Granddaughters fault, but it is odd to exclude your other half, unless you have only recently started seeing each other?

sodapop Wed 23-May-18 21:30:01

Am I misunderstanding here. Sounds like its a girl's night, Grandma, Mum and granddaughter, I don't see any problem with that at all, sounds lovely.

Luckygirl Wed 23-May-18 22:09:35

Go! Enjoy! - your OH will be at the big celebration. This is just the girls.

Besstwishes Wed 23-May-18 22:16:28

Ah that would explain it! A girls only night.

Are we right?

Nanny41 Wed 23-May-18 23:14:18

No, this is Granddaughter her Mum and Dad and her younger sister, not a girls night.
I have not taken umbrage, I just dont think its fair to exclude my OH he has been part of the family for fifteen years, I cant understand why nobody else has been invited, what is so special about me.
One thing I have learnt today from GN I must ask why he is being left out.

eazybee Thu 24-May-18 10:15:04

I can't see why you are taking umbrage: seems birth family only. Your husband is invited to the second function.
Go and have a good time.
Are the other grandparents invited?

Besstwishes Thu 24-May-18 10:22:53

It sounds as though your DD just wants her special family there for a private meal, which is lovely, after all they could just have had a meal with the 4 of them.

I guess they think that you are special! Go and enjoy it.

moggie57 Thu 24-May-18 11:03:20

can see your point of view. but maybe you should go ,as its family only on one night for the 18th.maybe someone could come pick you up if you not sure about travelling to the city alone.but go ...after all she only has one 18th birthday and gd will be hurt and upset if you dont.put aside any grievances and go with a smile on your face.YOU CAN SCREAM LATER..

Pinny4 Thu 24-May-18 14:07:11

Firstly get on the phone and tell your DD straight that you are longing to come and will change your plans gladly but just feel bad about excluding your DH as you think he would be hurt. Maybe she will relent?

If not then tell your DH you don't feel happy going without him but on the other hand you love your DG too. See what he says.

When my second husband's favourite brother died not long after we were married, I was not invited to the funeral. DH said he would not go unless they invited me but I made him go. My goodness - his lovely bro he shared so much with when they were growing up and beyond! I told him I didn't mind, in order to help him feel better. No way would I have asked him to not go.

MrsEggy Fri 25-May-18 09:06:13

I didn't think you need an invitation to a funeral - people just go and the bereaved take it as a compliment to the deceased.

ExaltedWombat Fri 25-May-18 10:26:40

THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU. Go, and keep your mouth shut.

HannahLoisLuke Fri 25-May-18 10:34:56

Nanny41 you've explained that it's just granddaughter, her sister and her Mum and Dad, not even the other grandparents.
Explain this to your DH and go with a big smile on your face, then enjoy the second bigger celebration together.

Beejo Fri 25-May-18 10:40:46

If your family were like my (second) husband's and I were your husband, I'd be glad to be left out!
I get dragged along to all kinds of family events with grown-up but childish stepchildren (both in their 40s) who never got over their father re-marrying plus his ex who refuses to speak to me (no, I wasn't the reason for their divorce - she'd had an affair 10 years before I met DH), If only they'd come out and say they don't want me there, then I wouldn't have to go for the sake of not making things worse!