How often should you see Grandparents

I don't think there are any hard or fast rules here. In and of themselves, "too much" or "not enough" are very subjective qualifiers...... they vary from individual to individual and from family to family. Distance can be a deterrent to frequency or duration. Even short, infrequent visits however, can be meaningful and satisfying in a healthy relationship.

Two of my grandchildren live over a thousand miles away....We visit once or twice a year at best and they all come out to us once a year in July or August, when they are on school holiday. We 'Facetime' often and I talk on the phone with my youngest daughter almost every day.

Our other daughter (the oldest) is only an hour away. We talk on the phone about once a week or even less. Texting has become her preferred means of communication. My twin grandchildren are so busy these days, that when we visit them, a twin 'sighting' would be a more apt description.

When they all come to our place (about once every other month or even less), we have lovely visits with daughter and SIL, but the twins spend most of the time watching TV or playing with their iPhones. They get bored, which is to be expected.....after all, they're teenagers now!

Febmummaofaboy we see our grandchildren on 'average' of once a week - sometimes we see them several times in one week, others we don't see them at all. It's all a matter of what suits you and your life, not your MiL!

Once a week sounds about right. The difficulty arises with having two sets of grandparents as you can't cut yourself in half. If I'd had children I think I would have tried to alternate between one and t'other if both were an equal distance away.
You can't please them all, can you?

I see my DGSs on a very ad hoc basis, I moved to be closer to DD after I was widowed. I live about 10 miles away, if I'm meeting friends in DD's Town I ask her if they're going to be in, I would never just turn up.

DD has a busy life with DGS1 who is 8, School, After School Clubs & swimming. DGS2 has just turned 1 & DD's OH is disabled. DD does come over to see me with DGS's & her OH but they also have lots of friends. DH & I lived 180 miles away when DGS1 was born but moved 70 miles away when DGS1 was 18 months old so we didn't see lots of the family.

Other set of GPs rarely visit although DD does try & go once a month but GPs have little interest in DGSs.

The how long is a piece of string is a very apt, any arrangements should be what suits you as Parents, you seem to have got the balance right, things change as GC get older too

Once a week is plenty. It really depends on individual family circumstances. Don’t sleep
Over it just do what’s best for you and yours. X

Every polite person makes an appointment before visits. I fear your MIL is not being truthful about her friends habits.

I took the children to see my mum, he took the children to see his mum. Not sure why you go to his mums and he does not go to yours?

I don't even see my dgs once a month as lives over 110 miles away and my dd works so I can't go down in week unless dgs is ill and I go and stay over for childcare. My dd will be on maternity leave in Sept and I can't wait as I will see her and dgd every week then.

If I didn't make the effort I'd never see my Gran kids! We have to go there as they very rarely visit! Makes me feel so sad but just have to accept it as nothing changes. They hardly come to us your mil should be grateful!!

Wow , I wouldn't dream of calling in without contacting my DiL first to see if its ok!!! Same applies to my DD. I do see DiL and children on their own when my son is at work and get on well with her but wouldn't want to take advantage!
I do feel that my DiLs parents see them all a lot more than we do (they live closer) but try not to say anything or let it get to me. There's no point in falling out and they are very welcoming when we do visit.
Difficult to see what you can do other than what you are doing and trying to exain as you have done to us. I think you are being very fair.
You could show her this thread?! On second thoughts, perhaps not it could make matters worse!
Jusg carry on seeing them once a week (once a week is loads!) And keep being friendly.

No rules really. My DC saw my parents almost everyday, as they lived very close and I wanted to see my mum. We were a very close family. MIL saw them a couple of times a week. At least once from us visiting - a proper formal visit with food at the table, and she would 'pop' in once or twice after they finished school. Visits to my mums were much less formal. A cup of tea, cake or biscuits and a half hour chat then home - but these were for me rather than the kids. MIL hated it, so we always had to appease her. But she got every Christmas, and I do mean every Christmas, and still does. Ifound the help and support from both my DM and MIL invaluable.

Well, Febmummaofaboy, as your husband would really like less but feels duty bound to at least keep the status quo, you have your answer. I suggest you keep it as it is and let the negative comments go over the top of your head. I suspect that she knows full well she is guilt tripping you and will continue to do so if she gets a reaction. Perhaps your son should respond in the same way that parents do with children who claim every body else is allowed! It will train him for the future with his own child for when he has to say, "I don't care about other children, I only care about you!" I bet the other GPs let their offspring know without being asked, it is only a common courtesy.
It sounds like your MIL might be used to be getting her own way by manipulation and challenging her will cause a ruckus so just keep on doing what you're doing and enjoy your family.

I’d love to see more of my DGC but I’m one side of the country and they are all on the other. I visit by train for a long weekend, usually staying with my son and DiL (and get thoroughly spoiled ?) and go every three or four months. The train journey, with one change at Birmingham New Street takes nearly four hours, by car it would take three to three and a half, so not a lot in it and no RTAs, Road Rage incidents or traffic jams to worry about.

You have the balance right.I am a Grandparent and I would be absolutely DELIGHTED if I saw my Grandchildren every week. Your Mum and Mum in law are lucky people.

@icanhandthemback He sometimes says he wishes it was less but he doesn't know how long she has left so feels like he has to... Very morbid I think but I have a lot younger mum so can't really understand how he feels!

All depends on geography doesn't it? I see the youngest great grand-child three days a week as I look after her while her mother works. Three grandchildren and three great grandchildren in New Zealand I hardly see at all. Most of the others I see in school holidays. This is not an issue with hard and fast rules but grandparents should not be demanding. Just be on hand if needed.

Thank you everyone for your comments, it is really helpful to hear your conversations about it. When I see her she says the hello stranger line too and how our son doesn't know her or how he's changed and it's upsetting she doesn't see him more! Good to know that we see her an average amount / more than alot of people. As alot of you have said it is all based on relationships and individuals. We were not close before the baby was born, even during pregnancy when I was very ill and needed help and support, if we were closer I might have seen her for the day while husband was at work now? When we do visit she always comments how often my mum has held the baby that week so she can get the same amount/more and last week she came to our house uninvited a few times while husband was at work as well as her weekly visit. My husband has told her to message before she visits me but she said her friends dont have to message first with their DILs.

Well all of mine live miles away -some I see avery few weeks and others about 3 times a year if I'm lucky. And I get on well with all the families but they have their own lives and so do we!! Once a week sounds quite a lot to me!!

When we lived in the same area as our GC we saw some of them every day - they lived right next door to us. But then we chose to move out of the city and are now over 100 miles away. We now see them 3 or 4 times a year in school holiday periods. The difference is they come to stay for a few days or a week so we have longer quality time with them. They are always thrilled to see us, there is no shyness between us, and we have great relationships with all of them. Although their parents have to make long journeys to get to us once they are here they too can relax and unwind for a few days. It works well for all of us, and we will make the most of it while they are young and want to come. When they are older they will want to spend more time with their own friends and interests, but I hope we will have developed a love and closeness that will bridge the geographical distance and continue into their adulthood.

What does your husband think? Does he feel it is enough? If you're both in agreement, then no problem with your current situation. Sending photos seems like an ideal way to bridge the gap your MIL thinks is there but if she becomes too demanding, it is surely up to your DH to tell her that you are both happy with the arrangement and to back off.

I see an awful lot of one set of DGC because I am relied upon for child care. The other set I see much less, but it suits everyone, and there is all the love in the world for all of the grand babies.
It doesn’t matter how often you meet up so long as the arrangements are agreed upon and the children are happy.

I see mine as much as possible I am working full time and but I often get off the train to see them before bed time. I am a teacher so get half terms and holidays off so have them for most of that time. I have a close relationship with mine but I only do what I know my DDs are comfortable with they have their own lives and their friends and I respect that. One of my daughter has just had a baby boy a so I am seeing her a lot more than I was when she only had one, as she need needs a lot of support.
Do what suits you it doesnt sound to me if you are excluding her . Don't be pressured, relationships evolved they dont have schedules and time tables.

Whatever suits both sides. I saw my grandparents most day. I see my grandchildren at least once a week. I'm fortunate in that they don't live too far away

My mother complained that I didn’t take the train for a two hour journey with the children more often than once a month, in spite of both of them having a medical condition and frequently not well enough for the journey. Then she did the “hello stranger” to the grandchildren when they were teens, and yes, definitely guilt tripping. She wasn’t satisfied with an hour or two either and sulked and made sure they knew she was resentful. The result was that they visited less and less and my siblings and I had to issue three line whips to get them to attend family get-togethers.

I see one of my grandchildren every day, two of them every other weekend and three of them I haven’t seen for four years as neither my DD nor I are fit enough to cope with a long journey involving three planes and a day and a half travelling. There is no right or wrong but grandparents like the OP’s MIL should be wary of manipulation tactics.

Different families- different ideas.
I see 3 of mine at least once a week as I do the Friday school pick-up. Not that my DiL works but I just do it so I get to spend some quality time with them at least once a week. They also stay over with us at weekends quite a lot as DS & DiL have a very hectic social life.
I don't see the older 3 so often now as they no longer need picking up from school or really need to stay when parents go out as they are older but they do still come quite a but as they enjoy it & like my cooking!
We have always made sure they know we will have the GC if they need us to & the children love coming so it s a triple win.
I suggest you arrange some social events & ask for babysitting services. It would be a win/win then.