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Grandparenting

How often should you see Grandparents

(108 Posts)
Febmummaofaboy Thu 24-May-18 14:53:20

Hello!
I currently see my mum once a week while my husband is at work with our baby and we also see his parents once a week with the baby, my mum is happy with the arrangement but my MIL says we should be round more and that her friends DIL has her MIL round alot more than us?
How often does everyone see their grandchildren or think they should see them?
We have our own friends and siblings (aunts and uncles) and want some alone time as well so don't know how we would fit more visits in really?

hildajenniJ Thu 24-May-18 14:59:13

My children saw my parents once a week, they saw my MiL more often as she lived at the end of our garden in her own little cottage. They used to go to see her as soon as they were old enough to walk there.
When I was a child my Dad took my sisters and I to see our paternal grandparents every Saturday afternoon. I really don't think there's any need to see them more often, unless you need or want to of course.

Seaside22 Thu 24-May-18 15:01:04

Hi, I don't think there's a set amount of time to see Grandparents, or anyone for that matter, it's what suits your family.I see my small Grandchildren once a week, for a couple of hours, my older Grandson maybe only once a month as he's a teenager now, with more important stuff to do.I must admit I would love to see more of my family,but understand there's just not enough time to go around. Maybe in between visits send some photo's or a text to keep them going.

Susan56 Thu 24-May-18 15:06:52

It sounds to me like you have the balance right.You are a new family and need time for yourselves as well as seeing friends and family.I see one of my daughters once a week and the other twice a week as I look after her little one.We also get together as a whole family once or twice a month.As a mother I love to see my children settled with their own families and love that they include us but hope I would never demand/expect them to spend more time with us than they want to.Your mother in law is lucky to see you once a week and I hope she learns to realise this.Good luck💐

Jalima1108 Thu 24-May-18 15:07:25

How long is a piece of string?

Madgran77 Thu 24-May-18 15:11:31

Dear me, I cant imagine why your MIL thinks there is any "should" to it!! How lovely for them that you go once a week!

gillybob Thu 24-May-18 15:18:54

Hi Febmummaofaboy smile

Kinda what Jalima1108 said how long is a piece of string

There shouldn't really need to be any rules around seeing/visiting grandparents (on either side) because what suits one family might not suit another.

I am the paternal grandma and see 3 of my grandchildren (12,10 and 8) twice or three times a week (sometimes more)as I look after them while their parents are working shifts. They stay overnight too and I do some of the school runs so I rarely just see them on a visit iyswim, unless its something really special like a family birthday etc. We have had this arrangements since they were only weeks old and they see my house as an extension of their own.

I agree that there needs to be a balance that suits everyone and from your OP you seem to have struck a good/fair balance, that I bet some grandparents on these forums (who rarely/never see their grandchildren) would die for.

tanith Thu 24-May-18 15:19:08

Most families can work out for themselves what’s appropriate for their family. I’m also a Great Grandmother so we’ve also had to make room for the Grandparents before us and we’ve slipped down the pecking order 😂😂
But thats fine with me and you are entitled to time alone and with friends .

BlueBelle Thu 24-May-18 15:23:51

Her we go, here we go, here we go there is no answer from us Febmum as it is entirely dependant on the family dynamics, the distance, the closeness, the lifestyle each family will make its own comfort arrangements and no one on here can tell you what’s right or wrong

SpanielNanny Thu 24-May-18 15:25:26

This is an impossible question to answer, family setups are all so different. However I think you are being very fair. It’s lovely that you go every week.

I see my dgs every week at the moment, which I thoroughly enjoy (although like almost all grandparents, I would jump at the chance to see him more!)
However, I do know that this could change anytime. Myself and ds’ dad, and dils parents are both divorced, meaning there are 4 sets of Grandparents. Add in uncles, great-grandparents and friends and dil can struggle to fit everyone in.

Keep doing what you’re doing, you’re being very generous with your time. If your mil asks again, just be nice, but honest. Just explain that although you love seeing them, your time is limited. I think sending the odd picture and text is an excellent idea too.

Febmummaofaboy Thu 24-May-18 15:58:09

Thank you for your comments everyone! Have actually just sent her a photo of the baby that was a good idea! I posted here instead of Mumsnet as wanted grandparents opinions and not to be told MIL is being cheeky as that won't help my situation! As we see both sets of parents one day then siblings at least once a week and normally friends once or twice it only gives us one or two evenings to ourselves! MIL only lives 15 minutes away which is why I think she thinks we should either let her visit or go to see her most days?

agnurse Thu 24-May-18 16:13:31

This smacks of a lot of "So-and-so gets to do this, so why don't I get to do it?" We see my parents every few months, Hubby's parents every couple of years as they live in the UK and we are in Canada. (My parents live 4 hours' drive away.)

Growing up, we saw my mom's parents every month or two because they lived 2 hours' drive away, and my dad's parents two or three times a year because they lived 6 hours' drive away.

Once a week is plenty.

Eglantine21 Thu 24-May-18 16:57:37

I don’t think there’s anybody I want to see much more than once a week.
Like you say OP, any more than that and it doesn’t leave room for other things you want to do and other people that you want to see!

M0nica Thu 24-May-18 19:42:32

There are no 'rules' about how often grandparents see grand children. The decisions about how often grandparents see their grandchildren should be entirely in the hands of the parents.

If you are happy seeing each set of grandparents once a week, then once a week it is, regardless of what grandmothers (and it usually is grandmothers) demand.

Stick to your guns.

lemongrove Thu 24-May-18 19:51:19

Being considerate of Grandparents has to be balanced by the needs of the parents.
Under a certain age, grandchildren will always want to visit their Grandparents and they will want to see the children, but there is a big difference in seeing the children and childminding.
We see ours once a week, which I think is enough for all concerned.Parents need time for themselves with their own children to do things as a family.

lemongrove Thu 24-May-18 19:52:45

School holidays are different, then we have them to stay quite often to give parents a break.

GrandmaMoira Thu 24-May-18 20:28:16

My widowed MIL used to visit every week from the time I got married (pre children) until she was too old and frail. Once I had DH she would stay over as well. I accepted it but felt it was more than I liked. I saw my widowed DF every 2 or 3 weeks.
I see my DGC every weekend but that is due to shared parenting with divorced parents.

Jalima1108 Thu 24-May-18 20:33:17

I used to tell my MIL to call in whenever she liked - but she rarely did, I always had to take the DC there.
She lived about half a mile away.

Luckygirl Thu 24-May-18 20:39:42

"Should" - that seems inappropriate.

It is a question of expectations - if one set of GPs had the idea that they would see you all more often, then they will be dissatisfied with what they have. If another had a different expectation then they might be happy.

You cannot predict for others' expectations - all you can do is live your own life - that is after all what we bring our children up for - and include the GPs as often or seldom as suits your family. If the 2 sets of GPs choose to get the 'ump over their lot then that is their choice. Do not get involved in Granny Wars even on the periphery.

luluaugust Fri 25-May-18 10:26:01

Whilst the grandchildren were babies and toddlers we saw those living nearby once or twice a week depending on what was going on, once they went to school it would be Sunday lunch about once every two weeks or once a month. Now they are all growing up its less but they are all busy and happy and we do more things on our own. You are doing fine at once a week they are all very lucky and MIL has a lot to learn!.

CrazyGrandma2 Fri 25-May-18 10:29:53

When I was a child I saw my maternal grandparents most weeks as they were only a bus ride away. I saw my paternal grandparents twice a year as they lived some distance away. We went there in the summer and they came to us at Christmas.

Having moved to be closer to our grandchildren we see them regularly as we do the end of school run twice a week. However we rarely see them at the weekends as that is their family time, unless we have them to sleepover if parents going out. Works for us and seems to work for the parents as well.

To answer your question I don't think there are any rules, its just what works for you, but I think the needs of your own family should take precedence.

maddyone Fri 25-May-18 10:36:06

See your own parents and also your parents in law as and when you want to, assuming it’s mutually convenient. Don’t be pushed into doing what you don’t want to do. You’re not cutting anyone off, and you’re giving your child access to both sets of grandparents, which is quite right, but don’t let anyone tell you what you should do (assuming you’re being reasonable, which you are!)

ReadyMeals Fri 25-May-18 10:38:10

I see my toddler grandson once a month for an overnight stay with his mother, and once in between for a video chat.

PamSJ1 Fri 25-May-18 10:46:24

My daughter, partner and baby live with my so I see my 11 month old grandson every day. My son, DIL and nearly 3 year old granddaughter live in same street so I see them several times a week. I babysit my granddaughter once a week at least when my son plays football and DIL is at work. My daughter is expecting again and J don't think will be moving out any time soon. I know I'm fortunate to have so much contact and grateful we are all so close since my husband died 2 years ago next September.

Kim19 Fri 25-May-18 10:50:02

Once a week? I'm green with envy. How about once in six months? No, and I don't have a poor relationship with the parents. They live 70ish miles away and have busy schedules and both work at demanding jobs. I regard it as one of the high costs of modern life. I also find the current way of having children later adds the obvious downside of GPs enjoying this experience somewhat later in life too. The weekends are precious family time and I try not to interrupt this plus they are very sporty and are usually participating in some club activity or other. We are constantly in touch by telephone - chat and text - but the very thought of even once a month meets conjures up something like my idea of paradise. I don't like the modern way of life: not one bit but I do respect their right to choose it. I had my turn and I know my Mum didn't like some of the decisions I made either. Progress, eh?!........