How often should you see Grandparents

The difficulty here is coming up with a solution that suits you Febmum and doesn't offend or hurt your MIL!

Would it be possible to explain the situation to her, as you have explained it to us?

To me it sounds like you really do not want to hurt her, but don't really see how you can combine having time alone as a family with the natural desire to see all your friends and family.

My kids would see my parents every school holiday so every 6/8 weeks, his parents every big holiday, so half as often. (Distances 60-120 miles)
I see pre-school granddaughter for one day every week because I look after her. Her other grandmother sees her at least one afternoon a week. She stays with one of us one night every week. (Distances between 20 and 60 miles.)

Jaycee, isn't "hello stranger" just a jokey friendly greeting? I have never thought of it as something you use to guilt-trip someone!

I'm another who would love to see more of her GC. Two live about 50 miles away and I try to see them about every six weeks and the other 3 live about 3 hours away, I see them about 5/6 times a year.
I would adore seeing them every week and being a bigger part of their lives.

I only had my maternal Gran and I used to pop over to see her after school on my own (Junior School) as she only lived across the playing fields. My Mum spent a lot time at Gran's house so we would be there at weekends too. When Mum was ill Gran came to live with us for almost two years so perhaps we were closer than many grandchildren get to be. I have always babysat for my Daughter and, as both her and ex son in law worked shifts I often had my GC stay overnight, sometimes dropping them off to their other GP's in the morning before I went to work. Once my daughter became a single parent and got a move nearer our own family I moved in with them (live in the annex) and have run the house for the past three years so see GC on a daily basis. I do sometimes envy GP's who see less of their GC as their GC seem to view trips as a treat and GP's get to spoil them (whereas I have to keep to the rules otherwise there would be anarchy here!).

We used to call my grandparents Nana a Long Way and Nana a Little Way for obvious reasons. One we would visit every Sunday morning and more often during school holidays. The other we would stay at during school holidays for a week or two. The latter had a habit of saying 'hello stranger' when we arrived (and other relatives, my father was from a large family) but their guilt tripping really didn't work. Their eldest son stopped visiting altogether. I don't think that I ever met him.
Once a week is not unreasonable particularly for a very young baby. If you can manage more often it wouldn't hurt unless they are the kind of people who are never going to be satisfied in which case there is no point worrying.

Lots of us would love to see our Grandkids once a week! Ours are an hour and a half down the M40. We see them three , four or five times a year. If we're lucky!

I'm sure if I lived near my grandchildren I would see them several times a week. Both my daughters work in community care and if we were around to have the little one and be there after school they could both work a few more hours. Also would see DDs more as they would be able to pop in for coffee between rounds. Just have to work on DH to move or win the lottery so I can go, alone if necessary.

There are no shoulds and no hierarchies of entitlement. It's just that old piece of string - it's of a very variable length. It's not about quantity but quality and love, interest in the grandchildren, engagement and connection. Every family is unique. Some grandchildren are closer to grandparents who live in another country than they are to those who live in the next town. Find what works for you, your children and your family.

Once a week? I'm green with envy. How about once in six months? No, and I don't have a poor relationship with the parents. They live 70ish miles away and have busy schedules and both work at demanding jobs. I regard it as one of the high costs of modern life. I also find the current way of having children later adds the obvious downside of GPs enjoying this experience somewhat later in life too. The weekends are precious family time and I try not to interrupt this plus they are very sporty and are usually participating in some club activity or other. We are constantly in touch by telephone - chat and text - but the very thought of even once a month meets conjures up something like my idea of paradise. I don't like the modern way of life: not one bit but I do respect their right to choose it. I had my turn and I know my Mum didn't like some of the decisions I made either. Progress, eh?!........

My daughter, partner and baby live with my so I see my 11 month old grandson every day. My son, DIL and nearly 3 year old granddaughter live in same street so I see them several times a week. I babysit my granddaughter once a week at least when my son plays football and DIL is at work. My daughter is expecting again and J don't think will be moving out any time soon. I know I'm fortunate to have so much contact and grateful we are all so close since my husband died 2 years ago next September.

I see my toddler grandson once a month for an overnight stay with his mother, and once in between for a video chat.

See your own parents and also your parents in law as and when you want to, assuming it’s mutually convenient. Don’t be pushed into doing what you don’t want to do. You’re not cutting anyone off, and you’re giving your child access to both sets of grandparents, which is quite right, but don’t let anyone tell you what you should do (assuming you’re being reasonable, which you are!)

When I was a child I saw my maternal grandparents most weeks as they were only a bus ride away. I saw my paternal grandparents twice a year as they lived some distance away. We went there in the summer and they came to us at Christmas.

Having moved to be closer to our grandchildren we see them regularly as we do the end of school run twice a week. However we rarely see them at the weekends as that is their family time, unless we have them to sleepover if parents going out. Works for us and seems to work for the parents as well.

To answer your question I don't think there are any rules, its just what works for you, but I think the needs of your own family should take precedence.

Whilst the grandchildren were babies and toddlers we saw those living nearby once or twice a week depending on what was going on, once they went to school it would be Sunday lunch about once every two weeks or once a month. Now they are all growing up its less but they are all busy and happy and we do more things on our own. You are doing fine at once a week they are all very lucky and MIL has a lot to learn!.

"Should" - that seems inappropriate.

It is a question of expectations - if one set of GPs had the idea that they would see you all more often, then they will be dissatisfied with what they have. If another had a different expectation then they might be happy.

You cannot predict for others' expectations - all you can do is live your own life - that is after all what we bring our children up for - and include the GPs as often or seldom as suits your family. If the 2 sets of GPs choose to get the 'ump over their lot then that is their choice. Do not get involved in Granny Wars even on the periphery.

I used to tell my MIL to call in whenever she liked - but she rarely did, I always had to take the DC there.
She lived about half a mile away.

My widowed MIL used to visit every week from the time I got married (pre children) until she was too old and frail. Once I had DH she would stay over as well. I accepted it but felt it was more than I liked. I saw my widowed DF every 2 or 3 weeks.
I see my DGC every weekend but that is due to shared parenting with divorced parents.

School holidays are different, then we have them to stay quite often to give parents a break.

Being considerate of Grandparents has to be balanced by the needs of the parents.
Under a certain age, grandchildren will always want to visit their Grandparents and they will want to see the children, but there is a big difference in seeing the children and childminding.
We see ours once a week, which I think is enough for all concerned.Parents need time for themselves with their own children to do things as a family.

There are no 'rules' about how often grandparents see grand children. The decisions about how often grandparents see their grandchildren should be entirely in the hands of the parents.

If you are happy seeing each set of grandparents once a week, then once a week it is, regardless of what grandmothers (and it usually is grandmothers) demand.

Stick to your guns.

I don’t think there’s anybody I want to see much more than once a week.
Like you say OP, any more than that and it doesn’t leave room for other things you want to do and other people that you want to see!

This smacks of a lot of "So-and-so gets to do this, so why don't I get to do it?" We see my parents every few months, Hubby's parents every couple of years as they live in the UK and we are in Canada. (My parents live 4 hours' drive away.)

Growing up, we saw my mom's parents every month or two because they lived 2 hours' drive away, and my dad's parents two or three times a year because they lived 6 hours' drive away.

Once a week is plenty.

Thank you for your comments everyone! Have actually just sent her a photo of the baby that was a good idea! I posted here instead of Mumsnet as wanted grandparents opinions and not to be told MIL is being cheeky as that won't help my situation! As we see both sets of parents one day then siblings at least once a week and normally friends once or twice it only gives us one or two evenings to ourselves! MIL only lives 15 minutes away which is why I think she thinks we should either let her visit or go to see her most days?

This is an impossible question to answer, family setups are all so different. However I think you are being very fair. It’s lovely that you go every week.

I see my dgs every week at the moment, which I thoroughly enjoy (although like almost all grandparents, I would jump at the chance to see him more!)
However, I do know that this could change anytime. Myself and ds’ dad, and dils parents are both divorced, meaning there are 4 sets of Grandparents. Add in uncles, great-grandparents and friends and dil can struggle to fit everyone in.

Keep doing what you’re doing, you’re being very generous with your time. If your mil asks again, just be nice, but honest. Just explain that although you love seeing them, your time is limited. I think sending the odd picture and text is an excellent idea too.