Grandkids mom mad that I met my other grandchild

I have a heap of sympathy for your poor DIL. I would concentrate on the 2 GC you have and let the 3rd find a grandma relationship elsewhere - hard, I know,but this poor lass has suffered at the hands of your feckless son and needs all the support from you that you can give.

Apologise and concentrate on propping her up.

The children need to be put first. I can understand dil being upset but I don’t see how this is your fault. Your son needs to take responsibility for this situation and your dil needs to stop taking it out on you. At the end of the day the child’s here now and all adults need to accept that including your dil. I hope things will improve for you soon

I think you need to speak to your "daughter in law" and tell her that whilst you of course love your two grandchildren from her, the little boy is also your grandchild, and has just as much "right" to your attention as her two children. It doesn't make you love them any the less.

I would ask her, in a very non confrontational way, why she wants to punish the three children involved - the innocent parties in all of this - because she's angry (and quite rightly so) with your son, and the other mother. Why would she cut her children off from a loving grandparent, particularly as you have such a close bond with them, and they with you.

I am sure she can only agree with you that it's not the children's fault that you are placed in this position, nor indeed it is your fault. And she cannot possibly find justification in demanding that you choose which of your son's children you have a relationship with.

Your DS's relationship doesn't sound as if it is terribly stable and should it crumble, you could find yourself unable to see your DGC just because your DIL is feeling unreasonable. It happens. On that basis, I would not put all my eggs in once basket because you could end up with nothing.
Can I just say that, as a child who didn't get to see any of her father's family, it can be completely demoralising and destabilising for a child to be without half her genetic family. You wouldn't believe the amount of times I was asked if there were any illnesses in my ancestry where I had to confess I had no idea. It was downright embarrassing and reinforced the fact that, not only had my father abandoned me, but all his family did too. Don't inflict that on an innocent child if you can help it.

OP Sorry for another question but I’m not clear, Who is the older child? Also who instigated the dna test? You say ‘we’.

Grandetante - I am the worst person at any kind of subterfuge yet I completely agree with you.

OP - Best to restore your relationship with the on/off girlfriend and discreetly keep in occasional touch with the 3 year old and his mother. Be truthful should your son ask whether you see him but don’t offer information or show photos unless asked.

Perhaps the gf was ‘off’ when the boy was conceived, if so there was no cheating or ‘infidelity’ really. Why on/off?

Who told gf about the boy? That may have been a truth too far.
Does the boy’s mother want you in his life? How much? Is she in a relationship now?

In U.K. Grandparents have few rights in normal circumstances. The only person who can ask for access is your son.
Do you live near the boy? What size town are you in?
Apologies for so many questions but they could affect the coming years and your relationships with your family.
I hope things sort out!

I think you're in the right, OP, but I can also understand that your son's GF is upset and hurt about your son's infidelity. I do think she's BU about not letting you see your grands. I don't think taking her to court is the best option - this will likely result in destroying any relationship you have with them if you're unsuccessful. Instead, I would suggest arranging with your son to see them during his parenting time if they're not together right now. If they are together, I'd wait until it blows over.

How often you see your son's other child is none of her business. But by the same token, I would strongly advise that you not bring up the other child to her or your GC. How they handle the situation is not your affair.

Explain that you are all of their grandma's..and to have to choose is not a right given to her but of your own to make. You do and rightly so love each and everyone of you GC equally..it is not their choice of how they came into this world..but thankfully they have all chosen you to be their GM..No child should be rejected because of family issues..We are their grandparents..we love unconditionally.. Keep strong as I am sure your son will support you..hugs

SfGrandma ... How did your son's girlfriend find out that you were seeing the other DGS?

Is she maybe scared that you'll bring up the half sibling to your GCs?

Its probably something she'll want to do her own way in her own time.

Reassure her that you won't mention the other sibling as that'll be her/you DSs job

Sorry I can't offer any advice but it is awful the heartache our children cause you think you have brought them up to be adults and your troubles will be over yet it never is

Once in awhile posts repeat more than once.....apologies

Luzdoh,

What a nice thing to say ....thank you!

Luzdoh,

What a nice thing to say ....thank you!

I'm amazed as well madgran at the majority of responses.

Why on earth should Sfgrandma apologise to her son's GF for seeing her other GC newnanny?. Regardless of how she feels about her partner's infidelity, presumably they've come to some form of an understanding which is why they're still together.

She's punishing her innocent children's innocent GM by denying them their GM for goodness sake; how can that ever be justified?

So far as I'm aware, grandparents have no legal right to see their grandchildren, so taking her to court wouldn't even be an option. It's a horribly painful situation for you - I can't advise, just will say prayers that you don't lose touch with any of the GC. I'd say grandtanteJE65 has given you great advice by the way.

How difficult for you Sfgrandma. I hope you son is paying maintenance for his other child. I would apologise to you son's girlfriend for not thinking of her feelings and ask to see your 2 grandchildren again. I would send a message to other grandchild and offer small regular payments to help buy grandchild stuff and send birthday and Xmas gifts and occasional postcards and wait for dust to settle. Maybe you could do skype calls with new grandchild for time being.

willa45 You speak such lovely common sense and say it with love! I do hope if I'm in need I shall have you around to support me!

Sfgrandma I am so sorry! This is such a difficult situation.
It is complicated and there will be a lot of heart-ache and blame flying around.
There are also innocent children caught up in this. They must be the focus.
Your first DIL (I hope that's the right description) is quite naturally very distressed by what has happened to her and her children. It is natural for her to think you are disloyal to her to go and see your other grand-child.
People will look on your son as the author of this pain, and blame him but we do not know the circumstances.
I wonder if you could write to the most wounded person, the mother of the two children and tell her you did not have anything to do with your son's choices and you still want to support her as the mother of your GC but most of all say, we must not ignore any of the children because they are the innocent victims in this mix-up.
Explain that you do understand her anger and distress and did not mean to hurt her. Explain the other child is innocent of the muddle surrounding his birth too. Explain that to deny your GC of their GM will punish them for their father's behaviour. You could say you do not have anything to do with his behaviour now he is a grown man.

I do hope the children are not going to be used by the adults to vent their feelings in this terrible situation. However, it is obvious that the first mother of your DS's 2 children deserves a lot of sympathy and understanding.

I was perplexed that a DNA test was used, this suggests that your son was trying to deny paternity. As his mother, have you found him to be lacking in the taking of responsibility for his actions in the past? What does this mean to the lives of the mothers of his children, his dependant children and you, his own mother?

JanaNana - That is really sad - my sister and I are both in our early 50s and we have a (half) sister 17 years younger than us - whom we both consider as 'our baby sister' - 'half' never really comes into it - she's a lovely young lady whom we've both watched grow up from being a baby - unfortunately family can be complicated sometimes these days for varying reasons, ours being the result of divorced parents,but, life is far too short to bear grudges, especially where innocent children are involved.

Where does your son stand in this?
He can try to calm the waters for the sake of his children, all his children.
You are a grandmother to children from these women and no one should blackmail you because you want to love and care for all the children.
The on off girlfriend is behaving badly, denying her children the family stability that they are used to.
My middle son is the only one of ours who has children and when he married we became are a bit of a mixed family. Involves 7 sets of grandparents. That is from one son and his family.
It can work, mutual love for the little ones makes it work.

Right or wrong, your grandchildren's mother is very upset and you are bearing the brunt of her feelings. She is threatened by the new grandchild what she needs most is reassurance. She is projecting her fears, her grief and her frustration on the child because he is living proof of your son's infidelity.

You have done nothing wrong. Your son's ex needs to change her perspective. If you can somehow regain her trust, you may be able to bring her around. In her heart, she has to know full well that the baby did not ask to be born or choose the circumstances of his birth.

It would be very helpful if you could somehow separate two facts:
a. Your son's irresponsible, bad behavior deserves the blame
b. NOT the baby.

This is an innocent child ....does she really believe he deserves to be rejected by his own flesh and blood?

Most of all, what your son's ex needs is lots of reassurance. She needs to hear that nothing is going to change; that her two children will always be your 'first' (which they are since they came first).

Tell her that where you are concerned, your two grandchildren (by her), can never be replaced because you love them more than life itself. She may need to hear also that there will always be plenty of love in your heart to go around, that she will always have a place in yours, and she will always be family.

I feel this is practical advice but not what you should have to do because an adult will not see that you are entitled to see and treat all your grandchildren equally: you have an established bond with the 2 grandchildren and they and you are upset at not seeing each other. The other one does not know you as well and may not be as upset if you stop seeing him. Better to see 2 out of 3 and maybe keep in touch with cards and birthday gifts with the other one. The only other route is to be deceitful and see him covertly.........not good for anyone.

You cannot let your GD and his 'on off 'girl friend suffer for your sons infidelity .My priority would be for them.
Sorry for this but your son behaved very irresponsibly allowing another child into the world unless he was going to commit himself to this other woman, which did not seem to be the case, as it took you so long to find out your son was the biological father. I can understand his' on 'off relationship girl friend feeling you are thinking of your own needs but it is not in your GD's interest to be used as a 'pawn' by her mother so I would put them first or seek professional advice if you are so determined to bring into your life, on a regular basis, this other grandson.

In your place I would try to sort out the relationship with the mother of your older grandchildren who are missing you so badly.

Initially, you will have to mention that you realise that you have hurt her by seeing the other grandchild, but once that apology has been made and accepted, please do not refer to him again. In your place, I would seriously consider seeing him, if his mother is agreeable that is, as discretely as possible and never speaking of him to your other grandchildren or their parents.

This probably sounds two-faced and dishonest, but I cannot see that you have any other alternative unless you choose between your grandchildren, which I quite understand you do not want to do, or feel would be right.

However, if you irrevocably offend the mother of your elder grandchildren, you will not be able to see them at all, will you? So do please try to sort out your relationship with her for your own, the grandchildren and your son and her sakes.