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Grandkids mom mad that I met my other grandchild

(99 Posts)
Sfgrandma Fri 08-Jun-18 06:29:40

I’m so lost right now and could use some advice. My son and his on again off again gf of 8 years have 2 children together ages 4 and 1 and I’m very close to my grandchildren. My granddaughter never wants to leave my side. Her and her brother mean the world to me. 4 years ago when the mom was pregnant another women was going around saying she was also pregnant by my son. Fast forward 3 and a half years and we finally had a dna test and the little boy is my grandson. Naturally I wanted to get to know him and I have. Even seeing him and he is precious. My sons “gf” was angry when she found out I met the grandson and she refuses to let me see my two grandchildren that she has with my son even though I have always been super close to them and even her. It’s been two months now and I don’t want to go to court because I don’t want my son to have to choose sides but I know my granddaughter is asking for me and I cry everyday. I don’t regret starting a relationship with my other grandson because he deserves to have a grandma too. My heart is broke and I don’t know what to do. She trying to make me chose one over the other but I would never do that. I’m so lost. Anyone ever experience this?

silverlining48 Fri 08-Jun-18 06:53:28

Not been in thus position thank goodness.
Difficult for you but from her side the other child is the result of the Infidelity of her partner and a constant reminder of broken trust. They will presumably be trying to make a go of their relationship which won’t be easy in the circumstances. Think most of us would find it hard to be in her place. Not the child’s fault of course, he’s the innocent party. Tough one but court seems drastic and could end up making things worse. Go carefully would be my advice.

OldMeg Fri 08-Jun-18 07:16:35

The only way forward, without losing contact with your ‘first’ set of GC is to talk heart-to-heart with the first girl friend. The new GC is the result of your son’s infidelity.

Imagine how she feels.

If you can get her on her own and tell her you understand, that you feel for her and listen, really listen to how hurt she must have been. Then, there might be a slight chance that you can gently, and sympathetically, explain how you feel. Tread carefully. But be prepared to have to made a choice between which GC you get to see if you don’t handle this well.

You have the advantage of being a mature, caring woman. Bring all your skills to that conversation and see how it goes.

Kate13 Fri 08-Jun-18 07:17:42

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. It’s a difficult one but maybe you could avoid talking about your other GC with your DS and partner for the time being? Your DS’s partner might be going through a tough time and is probably feeling jealous and insecure, especially with the living reminder of a previous relationship on the scene. You say it’s an on/off relationship? Tough time for them both then. Personally I would agree not to see my other grandson for a while until the present relationship has settled down. She sees you as bringing the other woman back into your family and therefore a threat. What is your DS’s take on all this? Can you see your GCs with him and not with the partner for the time being? Going to court is extreme and could, (probably would) destroy any future relationship with your GCs mum. Why not sit down with your DS and try to come up with a compromise for now?

BlueBelle Fri 08-Jun-18 08:36:40

Very difficult for you but I can see when the girl friend is coming from she has been badly treated by your son and that little chap is the innocent reminder Although I can totally understand why you would want to see him and I d probably have done the same but it’s really a big slap in the face for her and not thought through enough by you
I do think she’s totally wrong to keep you from your granddaughter
I m guessing this is US as you spell out Mom I know court is the answer over there but I reiterate the others don’t go down the court route
2 months is a long time to let it simmer definitely talk it over and if it means you can’t see the new little chap I guess that’s got to be your choice who you want to see the most Not fair at all but life ain’t ever and life’s not been fair to your girlfriend in law In an ideal world all bad deeds would be forgotten and forgiven and the cousins grow up knowing each other but that’s not going to happen here is it
Just a personal opinion I found out ( after my own children were adults so quite different) that they have a half brother one month younger than my youngest child .... I felt no animosity to either the person or his mother they were as much victims as me BUT, I and the kids were grown and the husband long gone so no idea how I would have felt if I was still with him and with small kids

mcem Fri 08-Jun-18 08:42:54

And before too long, sit your son down, point out the distress he has caused to innocent parties and offer to pay for a vasectomy.
He can't go on being so irresponsible!

Kerenhappuch Fri 08-Jun-18 09:53:52

You say the older grandchildren are missing you - that's come about through your decision to see the new grandchild, you need to take a bit of responsibility as well.

Yes, it would be lovely if everyone got on and you could see all your grandchildren whenever you wanted, but that's not the situation you are in, and you owe the mother of your older grandchildren - who seems to have allowed you really good access to them - to talk it through with her, not haul her off to court. You need to understand what she's worried about. If it was me, I'd be worried that my BF's mother seemed to be helping the other woman to become part of the extended family, unless I've misunderstood and your sone is now with the other woman.

The little one is presumably not yet attached to you in the same way, so he won't be missing you if you have to see him less for a few months. At the moment, you can't have everything you want without doing a bit of groundwork.

Nannan2 Fri 08-Jun-18 09:55:23

Yes i agree the court thing will make it worse!! It will get the GF's hackles up! If trying a heart to heart doesnt work (at which you could also point out its not your fault either and you fully understand how your son has 'done wrong' and let her down etc)then i know its underhand but you maybe see the 'other womans' child only occasionally for now and not mention it at all to your sons gf till it all calms down a bit at least??how did she find out you'd seen him in first place?im ussually an honest person but it seems you cant have it both ways in your situation so if you want to see ALL the GC you may have to resort to just keeping it quiet,at least for now.

Bibbity Fri 08-Jun-18 10:00:03

When does your son take his parenting time?

He isn't going to take your side. He's not allowing you to see them either. But then again I wouldn't have much expectations of a 'man' who can't keep it in his pants.

Mumsyface Fri 08-Jun-18 10:02:34

Very sad situation. I’ve been on the other side of this one.
My younger son’s father was in a longstanding on off relationship when we met. Son conceived accidentally, decided to continue with pregnancy despite considerable local shame and disgrace. The father ended up back with the on off partner for a while due to outstanding loan from her parents (and presumably because he wanted to). I would have been very happy to have had his parents involved with my son who is also their grandson but it wasn’t on offer at the time. HappIly my own mother was a great granny to my kids. As a teenager, my son established a relationship and has since maintained it.

If you can’t have that relationship with him, why not at least send birthday and Christmas cards and presents so that he knows you care and are open to a relationship when he can be in charge of that relationship himself.

Is the mother in financial need? And, if so, can you help in that area?

Nannan2 Fri 08-Jun-18 10:06:05

Either that or just not see GS till it has all settled a bit with maybe sending him a card& gift in post for birthday& christmas? And then get your relationship with your other grandkids back on track.THEY know you,miss you,love you.this little boy hardly knows who you are at moment.sorry i dont mean to be harsh,no its not his fault.But its NOT your other GC's fault either is it? If it were me and i 'had to choose' at least for a little while- then the GF's kids would come first i think,with a hope of sorting out something for seeing other GC later when the dust settled a bit.

nanasam Fri 08-Jun-18 10:06:54

What about your DS? Does he have any contact with his baby?

Feelingmyage55 Fri 08-Jun-18 10:09:41

I wonder if rather than thinking about just the children and yourself you should help your son and partner prioritise and strengthen their relationship. This can only benefit the family as a unit, in turn benefitting their two children and then helping your relationship with all of them. Give this family relationship your energy. You sound as if it is all about you and your grand daughter. It is not. It is about whole family relationships. Please see the bigger picture for these young people. The other child deserves to be loved too but I think put this aside for now. Your son’s partner needs and deserves your support not a reminder of your son’s infidelity.

Nannan2 Fri 08-Jun-18 10:10:26

You dont say wether or not your son sees his little boy regularly or not?maybe thats whats really niggling his GF?(she may see it as a 'double' betrayal?)and as though you're 'backing it up,so to speak?

Feelingmyage55 Fri 08-Jun-18 10:11:09

Oh dear, I sound a bit harsh. Please know that I wish you well to form a loving relationship with them.

Barmeyoldbat Fri 08-Jun-18 10:20:04

Very sad but I must admit I feel really sorry for the older gc, especially hearing that one is crying for you. I would talk with the mother of the two gc and see what you can arrange. Otherwise I am afraid her children her rules. I have been in a similar situation myself. My ex and his gf had a child and as he grew older He would come over to our house at the weekend to be part of the family with my children. It was my children’s idea and I must say it worked well

lemongrove Fri 08-Jun-18 10:20:56

Your DS and GF are not married and have a on/off relationship for years,and have two children together, he also had a relationship with another GF during this time.
All the children are your grandchildren equally and are therefore equalling deserving of having a Grandma to love them.
I would have a talk with the GF and say you will not mention her ( the other woman) or the child, but that you have a right to see your other DGS whenever you like, as it
Would be awful to deny a child.Tell her you love her children and still want to be close to her (the GF) as well, and you understand her point of view ( she should make an effort to understand yours as well.)

quizqueen Fri 08-Jun-18 10:50:11

Your son has behaved very badly in getting two women pregnant more or less at the same time. Now, he is also playing his equal part in allowing his children to be used as a pawn in this 'no access' scenario but I see no criticism of him anywhere in your post, Sfgrandma. You are just upset with his long term girlfriend who has been cheated on

However, his gf seems to be taking her anger at his infidelity out on you, rather than him, so it looks like their relationship is very rocky and she is still feeling very insecure. Imagine if your husband had turned up one day with a child by someone else. It sounds like none of the 3 parents of your grandchildren are mature enough to be parents as they were not in stable relationships at the time of conception of their babies.

Now you are stuck in the middle and being told where your affections should lie. Poor children, no wonder so many people grow up with problems. It's about time parents started putting their children's happiness first rather than themselves.

Tell your son to man up and sort out this situation. I think you need to keep the two relationships separate and just say you will be there for all your grandchildren if they need you and leave them to make the contact,

colette13 Fri 08-Jun-18 10:55:03

Sfgrandma - I don't agree with other comments - all three children need your involvement and love - did you cause this situation ? No - you did not. Did your DIL cause this situation ? No - she did not. Your son did and he needs to sort it - so that both he and yourself can have a relationship with all three children.Your DIL is feeling pain due to betrayal but she is an adult and will have to deal with this - time is a great healer. The child that she doesn't want you to see is a half brother/sister to her own children, who will one day want a relationship with their sibling.My sister had five children when her partner had an affair which resulted in a child being born, the same age as her youngest.The four older ones eventually wanted to meet their half-brother and my sister had to deal with that - it wasn't easy, but, it wasn't her children's fault or their half-brother's fault - she was the adult and she had to take the lead.Speak with your DIL, be there for her and try to help her deal with her pain. Good luck with seeing all of your grandchildren.

blue60 Fri 08-Jun-18 11:20:40

Talking with the first gf is the most important step you can make. Firstly, sympathise with her and be kind. She is certainly hurt, and perhaps feeling a rejected and possibly needs reassurance.

She is lashing out because of these feelings, not fair but I can understand somewhat why she's done this.

Don't wait, do it now and let her know that you are supportive of her.

Myym Fri 08-Jun-18 11:27:42

When my daughter was small I had no choice but allow her to use adult scissors. However, being left handed she simply could not (and still can't now after 30+ years) use standard right-handed scissors. I therefore had to send off to a specialist shop and purchase left-handed scissors for her to use and in those days left-handed children's scissors were not readily available.
I expect that with online products being so easily available there is a much wider choice nowadays rather than the specialist and somewhat expensive outlet that I had to use back in the early '80's.

JanaNana Fri 08-Jun-18 11:54:35

Colette13. I have to agree with your viewpoint on this. I can understand the GFs feelings, although it appears the relationship was at the "off" stage when this happened. Many years ago when I was around 12 years old I found out I had a half brother. My father had not cheated on anyone but this was the result of a relationship he had long before he met my mother. One day just after his 21st birthday he turned up at our house out of the blue. If I had not been in at the time I would never have known. He wanted to meet his own birth father, and had been given all the information by his adoptive parents on reaching 21. Me and my siblings were not allowed to stay and be part of the conversation he had with my parents. I only know his first name and not sure even if that was his birth name or adopted name. We would have dearly loved to have known him and be part of our lives but it was,nt to be. It was not up for discussion and the subject was taboo. We never knew either if my mother knew of his existence before he appeared. We felt quite cheated as children not to be able to know our half brother ...but as adults can understand the anguish these situations can cause.

Madgran77 Fri 08-Jun-18 12:39:58

I am amazed at how many replies suggest that the GFs(and son's!!) ultimatum is understandable! Who is thinking about the children in all this, apart from the OP? Children are not "weapons" and your son and GF need to grow up and put their children first!!! (and for your son, that includes the little boy that you have just got to know. )

I suggest writing to GF and son if the wont speak to you sensibly and calmly about it. In that emphasise the needs of the children, not the adults!

icanhandthemback Fri 08-Jun-18 12:43:56

I think you DIL is thinking of herself rather than of her children and you. Whilst this is understandable in many ways, it does not give her the right to dictate to you who you see in your own time. However, she might feel that this is the thin end of the wedge and before long you will be introducing her children to your grandchildren and, whilst this might be best for all of the children, I can understand the viewpoint that it is like rubbing salt into the wound. Personally, I would be inclined to sit my DIL down and ask her to help you find the best way forward which doesn't deny anybody the right to a grandparent or hurt her feelings. She may be scared that her children will found wanting so lots of reassurance needed.

grandtanteJE65 Fri 08-Jun-18 13:04:29

In your place I would try to sort out the relationship with the mother of your older grandchildren who are missing you so badly.

Initially, you will have to mention that you realise that you have hurt her by seeing the other grandchild, but once that apology has been made and accepted, please do not refer to him again. In your place, I would seriously consider seeing him, if his mother is agreeable that is, as discretely as possible and never speaking of him to your other grandchildren or their parents.

This probably sounds two-faced and dishonest, but I cannot see that you have any other alternative unless you choose between your grandchildren, which I quite understand you do not want to do, or feel would be right.

However, if you irrevocably offend the mother of your elder grandchildren, you will not be able to see them at all, will you? So do please try to sort out your relationship with her for your own, the grandchildren and your son and her sakes.