What to do, if anything?

My nephew was told he was a father to be, was pleased and all went well until the day his girlfriend and the baby came out of hospital. Her ex was there to meet them as she had told him the baby was his. She and baby went off with the (no longer) ex. SO unkind.

* here, not her.

I'd suggest that, to ease his own mind, he should get a DNA test so that in future, if she swanned off into the horizon, he would have definite proof and be able to go down the legal route to get back his son.
I would also stop helping financially. A definite no-no. If he's old enough and daft enough to get someone pregnant, someone he's only known for a matter of weeks, who likes her drink and who tells lies about the parentage of the child, then he's old enough to provide for all of them, especially as he won't confront her as to her sometime assertions that he's not the father.
You can't live his life and, if you keep cleaning up his messes, it will continue ad infinitum and sympathy her will fade.

Many many years ago my DS had a girlfriend who I couldn't stand, and while I was quite accommodating to my childrens boy/girl friends I refused to have anything to do with this particular girl, we lived in a village at that time so everyone knew everyone's business and this girl had an awful name.Eventually she left the village and went abroad and I was so pleased. My son joined the RAF, something he had always wanted to do and was posted nearby so came home at weekends, then all of a sudden he stopped coming home, to cut a long story a bit shorter it transpired she had returned to UK and they were in touch again, then she said she was pregnant. My son said he was going to marry her and I refused to go to the wedding. They did get married, the boy was born but as they were now living in Scotland where my son had been posted to I didn't see or hear much about them. Eventually they came back south and on my sons 21st birthday my sister and I went to see them, it was the first time I had seen the boy and when I got my son on his own I said there was nothing I could see of him in this child. She continued her nasty ways, sleeping with many men while my son sat at home babysitting, until eventually he got fed up and they split up, he continued to pay for the child. He eventually married again and the 1st one kept causing trouble for him, so he eventually did have a DNA test done and it was proven he was not the childs father. the only thing you could do is to speak to your son on his own and tell him your feelings, it is then for him to decide if he wants to have the DNA test done or not. you shouldn't go behind his back and do it for him.

are you able to talk to your son on his own? to discuss the topic and possible DNA test.

Whether covertly done or very open about. In respect of the DNA test, your son would have to decide what to do next with that information. What would he do if the test showed he was not the father? Using this as evidence from what you say it would be quite likely he would not see the child again.

What Grampie says!

Biological parenthood doesn't matter as much as loving and caring - ask any adoptive parents.

Leave it to the child to get DNA test when he has grown up and can be told if there is any serious doubt.

My nephew's now exW would throw this at my nephew, it just demonstrated what levels she was prepared to stoop to.
She has made it abundantly clear that the only reason she married him was to get the money for a house of her own. Her father's daughter clearly; he made it very clear that he thought DN was a 'catch' because he owned a house and a nice car.

I would talk to your son and offer to pay for the DNA test if he wants it anytime in the future. Then leave it up to him

Many men love and provide for the babies of other men.

Just accept and celebrate that fact.

What differemce would it make if he were not your son's if, as you say, you all love him. It's perfectly possible to love other people's children. Think of all the adopted babies/children. Leave well alone is my advice. And say you can't afford to lend them any more money. If they plead nappies etc point out they are going on holiday but you can't afford to.

Good for you, Plumblady. The best thing to do at this point is nothing. My dear grandson is the love of all our lives - the thought of tainting that relationship with unwanted information about his parentage, is just not on. I know that if he was proved to be "another man's son", I couldn't help but see him differently....for my son it would be devastating. So we all take a deep breath and accept our little man as a blessing to us all, not as a possible cause of pain.

Well, this is a baby that you say you all love and care about. What if it turned out that the baby wasn't your son's? Would you disown it? A baby is a baby and is not responsible for who created it.

Isn't it awful that a baby can be seen as a blessing one minute and then as a liabity the next.

I would imagine that taking a sample for DNA testing without the permission of the parent(s), could perhaps be classified as an assault. In any event, it is not your place to get involved.

Thanks everyone I really appreciate your advice, I've decided to keep out of it and try to take each day as it comes and enjoy my little GS x

Stay out of it,if your son is concerned he's not the Dad he can make the choice of DNA ,its not your choice to make .
Children can look like other folk not just their parents ,for instance my sons daughter looks exactly like my daughter at the same age ,has all the same mannerisms and says the same things.Its like having my daughter cloned .She looks nothing like her Mum OR her dad though .

I would be VERY careful before secretly trying to obtain a DNA test. Yes DNA tests can be carried out to prove a child/grandparent relationship, but if the child is under 16, it is a legal requirement to gain consent from whoever has parental responsibility to do so. The only people with parental responsibility are the mother and the father, assuming he is named on the birth certificate. The company providing the DNA test should ask for signed consent, are you really prepared to fake your sons gf sifniture? And assuming you can find a company to do it illegally, without parental consent, would you really trust the results from such a dodgy company? I’d think very carefully about the consequences before you proceed.

Let them get on with their life together and you hang onto your cash. Spend it on yourself and the things you want to do. If they can't afford nappies for their child, they sure as he'll can't afford a holiday abroad.

Thanks Stella, I think that's exactly how my son feels too. I am trying to tell myself that before DNA testing was a thing, we would just have to take her word for it anyway.....

Thanks, I am feeling this is all good advice. And if it turns out baby isn't my son's I wouldn't be able to keep it to myself would I? Son is legally his daddy on birth certificate anyway. I can just see trouble coming down the line, she has lots of lovely qualities but a very dark side that I think we haven't even scratched the surface of yet. And yes I must stop the handouts but they always guilt me into it saying they need baby food, nappies etc. Even though they are going abroad next month and I can't afford holidays.....

We are in the same situation with our son and grandson who is 9. DS has full custody of the children. His trashy ex girlfriend has let it slip that our dear GS is possibly not his - he says that he doesn't care who the father is, he is "Dad" and that's all that matters to him. But I'm not convinced . Our son loves his little man so much, but if he knew for sure that the father was someone else, it would break him. His son looks nothing like him or his mother , so it does prey on my mind sometimes, and I'm sure it preys on my son's mind too .

I've thought of getting DNA done - it would be easy since you can get it done as a grandparent . You just do yourself and the child and you find out if you are related.

But to be honest, I'll probably never do it - as my DH said, if you knew, what would you do with the information ? It's one thing for my son to say "I don't care" but if the test said for sure that his son is another man's offspring, it would be a tragedy. As long as there is just a possibility that GS is his , you can ignore it most of the time.

In your position I'd leave it alone - your GS is just a baby and a lot can happen as time goes on. Let your son make the decisions.

I agree it would be best to leave this to your son and his girlfriend - he must be very concerned if there is a possibility she's telling the truth. For the sake of the child they really should have a test done in case this comes out in the future - I know firsthand how distressing it is to find your whole life has been a lie and the man you've called dad turns out not to be. You can't make this decision for him though.

Leave it, if he loves the baby, it is far best left alone much more important that your son perhaps encourage his girlfriend to get some help for her drinking I would think but it would have to be done very delicately and stop lending or giving money out so freely try saying you don’t have it next time

Imagine you did go ahead and get the DNA test and your worst fears were realised. Would you go in all guns blazing and announce your findings?

If your son has doubts it should be him that arranges the DNA test. His girlfriend must've slept with another man while they were together or there would be no question as to who the babies father is.

Personally I would leave well alone and let your son decide .

Thank you, yes he has tried but she insists she just says things she doesn't mean when she's been drinking. Also he prefers to believe baby is his as he adores them both, I dread to think how it would affect him if it turned out he was not baby's daddy.

I don't think it would be a good idea to go behind your son's back.

Perhaps, if your son talks to you about the matter, you could suggest he talks to his girlfriend calmly one day and asks for a definite answer.

This is just an amateur suggestion as I don't have experience of such a situation. Perhaps wait and see what other Gransnet people advise.