What to do, if anything?

I rather think it is your DS's call to get the DNA test done if he wants to be sure if he is the baby's father or not as the case may be.
Until such a time as he wants to know for sure, leave them to sort things out for themselves but do stop lending money - the GF is taking advantage on that score. By all means, if you want to support the baby then buy clothes, nappies etc but don't give any cash.

Herefornow

Dinnersready

Just a thought. Someone upthread said that "she must've slept with someone else". Not necessarily true, people who are hurting often say cruel things to hurt others, often untrue things. 6 months is very young, could this mum be showing signs of post natal illness? Is there any way she could be encouraged to talk to her GP or health visitor?

Agree. This could easily be a situation where GF has no self worth, is drinking to contain that horrible low feeling, and saying anything to push your son away. Maybe she did sleep with someone else, maybe she didn't, neither actually means she will be a terrible mother or life partner going forward. She likely wasn't planning to embark on a long relationship at this stage in her life, but a baby came and she's trying to do the right thing by this new person. Babies change people. This baby is too young for the magnitude of those changes to have fully hit GF or your son.

I would say i doubt this begins with solely a post partum issue. Enotionally immature adults tend never to have been taught as children that their feelings matter and therefore how to deal with them in a mature way. This in turn festers a sense of worthlessness?

I would approach GF with a more open mind. Just because she doesn't show you her good qualities doesn't mean she doesn't have them, but perhaps she doesn't trust you/senses your judgement?

I think she does have a very low sense of her own self worth, I constantly tell her what a good mum she is, because she really is, and a lovely caring generous person. And she is trying her best to keep off the booze. More recently she has opened up a bit more so we can talk about things but I dont ever bring up the parentage subject and wont unless she does. I try to help practically and be supportive emotionally whilst not interfering.

Her family are very chaotic and judgemental, it's easy to see how she would have these problems growing up around them, although there is a lot of genuine love there too.

I know that whatever happens between DS and GF, the children's stability will be everyone's top priority no matter what.

Thanks so much for your support it really is helping me not to dissolve in tears!

Sorry, missed last couple of posts. Fingers crossed on the test now that it's going ahead.

How is your current relationship with gf?

It does sound like her family are not the most supportive to her tbh.

Dinnersready

Just a thought. Someone upthread said that "she must've slept with someone else". Not necessarily true, people who are hurting often say cruel things to hurt others, often untrue things. 6 months is very young, could this mum be showing signs of post natal illness? Is there any way she could be encouraged to talk to her GP or health visitor?

Agree. This could easily be a situation where GF has no self worth, is drinking to contain that horrible low feeling, and saying anything to push your son away. Maybe she did sleep with someone else, maybe she didn't, neither actually means she will be a terrible mother or life partner going forward. She likely wasn't planning to embark on a long relationship at this stage in her life, but a baby came and she's trying to do the right thing by this new person. Babies change people. This baby is too young for the magnitude of those changes to have fully hit GF or your son.

I would say i doubt this begins with solely a post partum issue. Enotionally immature adults tend never to have been taught as children that their feelings matter and therefore how to deal with them in a mature way. This in turn festers a sense of worthlessness?

I would approach GF with a more open mind. Just because she doesn't show you her good qualities doesn't mean she doesn't have them, but perhaps she doesn't trust you/senses your judgement?

How lovely jenpax.
Funny how family looks can be like that!

Don’t do any test. This little boy is part of your family. He is yours. Otho good can change that. Good luck

A scientific test cannot dispute or dilute your son’s immeasurable worth to this little boy. Hold that thought Plumblady. x

Smileless2012

A very stressful time for you all Plumblady. This must have been playing on your son's mind for 5 years and presumably he's thought long and hard about how he will ultimately feel if he's not this child's father.

As Lathyrus has posted, he is this child's and has been since the child was born. I wish you all well and that whatever the outcome, your son will continue to be 'dad' to both children.

Thank you, I know he will.
I think he just wants an end to the speculation from GF side of family, whatever the result may be.

Plumblady

Thanks Mandrake, he is a brilliant Dad and that's all he wants to be, unfortunately GF side of family keep putting doubts in his mind.

If her family is doing that, then it might be worth doing the DNA test just to silence that for once and for all.

I hope your son is the biological father but, if not, he is still the child's Daddy.

Limcha

So after four years and another baby, your son is finally getting a DNA test. To what end exactly? Is your son’s goal to have one less child to be legally responsible for? Will you be pleased if he now abdicates responsibility should the child not be his biologically? You say you are worried about the children, but I’m sure you weren’t worried enough to not keep your doubts to yourself. It seemed just as important 4 years ago that your gut feelings needing to be assuaged took precedence over the well being of this innocent boy. For all intents and purposes, your son is the child’s father. Now the lives of both children may be severely destabilized in part because a meddling gran couldn’t let her adult son deal with his own choices. What you wanted should never have been a factor in this situation. You didn’t make either of those babies. I hope this little boy grows up and never finds out how desperate you all were to cast doubt on his paternity. I wouldn’t forgive my dad and gran if I grew up and found out about such a situation. Whether the child is your son’s biologically or not, I hope after four years the selfish adults (mother, father, gran) learn that what’s best for these children is a stable childhood. Shameful smh.

Really not sure whether you read my original post, no idea what you're getting at tbh....

Lathyrus

There are plenty of loving and beloved Dads out there that are not the biological father, for a variety of reasons and circumstances. Whatever the result he is Dad to this child. She doesn’t seem to want to split so not being Dad anymore would be his decision.

None of my three children look anything like their biological father!

I do sometimes think that the DNA test has added another layer of complexity to these situations. Because we now CAN find out for sure, it's no longer possible to just "get on with it". My friend has just discovered her Dad is not her biological father through doing an Ancestry thing. Devastating for the whole family.

Thanks Mandrake, he is a brilliant Dad and that's all he wants to be, unfortunately GF side of family keep putting doubts in his mind.

I would leave it,

A very stressful time for you all Plumblady. This must have been playing on your son's mind for 5 years and presumably he's thought long and hard about how he will ultimately feel if he's not this child's father.

As Lathyrus has posted, he is this child's and has been since the child was born. I wish you all well and that whatever the outcome, your son will continue to be 'dad' to both children.

So after four years and another baby, your son is finally getting a DNA test. To what end exactly? Is your son’s goal to have one less child to be legally responsible for? Will you be pleased if he now abdicates responsibility should the child not be his biologically? You say you are worried about the children, but I’m sure you weren’t worried enough to not keep your doubts to yourself. It seemed just as important 4 years ago that your gut feelings needing to be assuaged took precedence over the well being of this innocent boy. For all intents and purposes, your son is the child’s father. Now the lives of both children may be severely destabilized in part because a meddling gran couldn’t let her adult son deal with his own choices. What you wanted should never have been a factor in this situation. You didn’t make either of those babies. I hope this little boy grows up and never finds out how desperate you all were to cast doubt on his paternity. I wouldn’t forgive my dad and gran if I grew up and found out about such a situation. Whether the child is your son’s biologically or not, I hope after four years the selfish adults (mother, father, gran) learn that what’s best for these children is a stable childhood. Shameful smh.

There are plenty of loving and beloved Dads out there that are not the biological father, for a variety of reasons and circumstances. Whatever the result he is Dad to this child. She doesn’t seem to want to split so not being Dad anymore would be his decision.

None of my three children look anything like their biological father!

If your son isn't the father, the betrayal and lie will hurt, but what is a father? It sounds like your son is this child's father whether he contributed the DNA or not.

I don't think the second child being the spitting image of your son means much. One of my sons is the spitting image of his father. The other takes after my side more. They are definitely both my husbands!

Well here I am again 4 years later, and it looks like DS is going to get a DNA test. They now have another baby nearly 2 who is the image of DS, this just seemed to cast even more doubt on parentage of GS no.1.
I have just re read all your advice from 2018 and am so grateful that I heeded it and kept my mouth shut, remaining on good terms with DS and DIL.
He has ordered the test, so maybe we will soon know, but I am now terrified if GS1 (now almost 5) is not "his", and they break up leaving my 2 beloved grandsons in the middle of it all..

If the seed of doubt has been planted now, it will never go away.
If you feel able, talk to your son and put the DNA question and hope he will agree. Otherwise it will always be there and you will continue to be a meal ticket, and she will continue to use the child in this way.

Nice to know Plumblady. Let's hope they can resolve their issues and enjoy that wonderful role of being parents.

Thanks all so much and for the private mail too. It has really helped more than you can ever know. I've decided to leave well alone on the DNA, and I've already had a Frank discussion with them about money which seems to have sunk in, at least for now.

Plumblady,

I'm with Esspee in that I too disagree with those who say leave well enough alone and just look the other way. If the technology exists, then why not take advantage of the peace of mind that could come with it?

On the other hand the opposite could also be true but knowledge is power. Consider that your son's (relatively short) relationship is not on solid footing. Her drinking and her inebriated boasts set off all kinds of alarms. If there's a breakup and she leaves, baby goes with her. What happens if your son wants to assert his paternal rights and she 'DNAs' the baby's real father?

...So, unless your son is the real father, what you have is a time bomb waiting to explode. A paternity test could save everyone untold grief. It would be devastating to let a child suffer the agony of separation, if your son allows himself to be blindsighted by this woman in the future.

It’s also very illegal Esspee. In order to obtain a DNA test you need the consent of somebody with paternal responsibility. The op doesn’t have that. No reputable company will carry out the test.

I am afraid I disagree with the majority on here. If he was my son I would want him to know if he was the father or not. Surely, for the sake of the child his genetic inheritance is of huge importance.
Imagine if in 10 years time it is discovered OP's son is not the father. It would be devastating.
It is very simple to send a sample of baby's saliva to the appropriate testing facility. Better that any fallout happens now rather than in the distant future.

Just a thought. Someone upthread said that "she must've slept with someone else". Not necessarily true, people who are hurting often say cruel things to hurt others, often untrue things. 6 months is very young, could this mum be showing signs of post natal illness? Is there any way she could be encouraged to talk to her GP or health visitor?