Was this you yesterday?

Many years ago, I was in a village in China while undertaking a sponsored walk on the Great Wall. I was desperate for a wee and was directed to the local community toilets (shared by half the houses in the village). From the roadside they looked fine - from the other side it was a different story! They were completely open to the river and the fields beyond (no-one in the fields though!). There were two trenches filled with literally everything that might be in a toilet and you basically had to stand with your feet either side of one of the trenches and squat, but not too low down to avoid the muck and stuff! Being totally desperate, I went for it - then mid wee, this enormous orange insect came buzzing out of the other trench. I have never seen an insect so big or so lethal looking, but being mid wee I couldn't stop so just had to carry on thinking 'Please don't come over here, please don't come over here.' I got out as quickly as I could, and I still shudder when I think of it. One good thing came of it though - I can happily go to the most disgusting loos, safe in the knowledge that nothing will be as bad as that one!

A friend of mine, driving through France, needed to stop for the loo at a garage. It was one of the squat down ones and as he had been gone for ages his wife was getting worried. It turned out his back gone. He had to be carried out by the garage attendant and his wife, still squatting with his trousers round his ankles.

I remember when we were on holiday to somewhere like Mablethorpe with our two young daughters and my mil. We were in a very busy cafe when eldest daughter decided she needed the loo. Off she went with her sister in tow, then a little while later she came walking back towards our table with some toilet paper in her hand, ‘mum, what will I do with this’ she yelled, ‘put it in the toilet’ says I looking horrified as it was obvious now she had had a poo. Mil jumped up and took her back to the toilet while I sat there with hubby looking mortified. When she came back with her sister and granny we were told ‘she’s been a good girl, there was a polite notice asking folk not to put paper towels down the toilets and she had just saw paper, so was obeying the instructions ‘. Can laugh about it now, but at the time.........oh me lol!

A male friend was a livestock judge at a county show. He needed to use the portaloo and had to rush as the awards were shortly to be announced. He tried to open the door to get in, but each time he pulled, it opened slightly then immediately closed sharply. After two or three attempts he gave the door an almighty pull. The door flew open …. With a very flustered lady attached to the other side. He said that it was hard to tell which of them had the redder face!

Oh now I do remember one story, though it is second hand. My aunt was travelling by train and there was a man in the carriage with his little girl, about 3 years old. It was one of those small compartments that they used to have, with a seat for six people each side, no corridor and therefore no access to any toilet. Inevitably after a while the little girl needed a wee. Her father tried discreetly to tell her it wouldn't be long and could she wait? But no, she couldn't wait. So there was nothing for it - apologising to the other passengers, he pulled down the window, pulled down his little girl's knickers and perched her on the window with her bottom outside so she could wee. Only he didn't take account of the rush of air as the train sped along, and the wee all blew straight back into his face

Oh, that's made my day.
I can never 'go' if there is a slight chance I could get caught out like that. How funny!

I’ve got two!
First, on a train about 15 years ago and forgot to lock the door. Someone must have pressed open. The curved door slowly opened as I was mid stream with knickers around my ankles. I couldn’t reach the button to press close as it was too far away. I had to sit and finish my wee with the door wide open and 2 people in the seats outside trying not to look.
Second, as a small child my middle son always needed a poo at the most awkward times. Especially on our annual family get togethers in Devon. A trek up and down the sand dunes, every single time we got settled on the beach he needed a poo and I had to climb up the flipping sand dune and down the other side.

In the early 90's drove DDs to a local hotspot several miles outside Beijing, there dying for the loo we entered the local public toilets. Included in the charge got given the mandatory one sheet and apologies as it was a 'no water' day. There were cubicles fortunately, but with no doors, however it was true no water, as there it all lay in the gutters for everyone to see.
Needless to say, I turned round and told DDs to head for the bushes.

My favourite story is when we were on a camping holiday in France in 1964 with my (very prim) Autie Ida. The toilets in those days of course were all squatty ones, but over the other side of the field there was a single cubicle with a sit-down loo.

Auntie Ida once burst out of the loo, and shot right across the field to us - followed by the biggest hornet I had ever seen. Well, at 10 years old, actually I had never seen one at all, but I haven't seen one that size since, either.
Poor old Auntie. She was bright red and SOOOO embarrassed!

It got worse (seen from her viewpoint) when I heard her talking to my mother about the reason that she was on the loo at all - she had quite bad constipation. I must have embarrassed her even more when I asked her if she had gone - and here I made a dramatic simulation of a straining noise - in other words, had she really tried?

My toilet story can't compete with harrigran but here goes. On the way to the seaside for the day we stopped at a public toilet for me to have a wee. I was quite desperate and didn't notice that there was wet toilet paper draped over the seat (I know, how disgusting) and so my knickers got soaking wet and I had no choice but to abandon them. I was wearing a longish denim skirt so I felt quite decent but it was a weird feeling thinking all day "Oh, I've got no knickers on!"

My youngest uncle always had toilet stories to tell, no matter where he went on holiday there was an incident. One of the most memorable was whilst travelling through France by train during a farmers' protest. Farmers had blocked the rail track with heaps of turnips and the train was halted, passengers could not use the toilets so uncle left the train to use the one on the station platform.
Unfortunately the door of the toilet jammed and uncle could not get out, being a tiny country town it was also an unmanned station. My aunt and a couple of friends were blissfully unaware of his absence believing him to be watching the protest from further up the train.
The farmers ended their protest, removed the turnips and waved the train on it's way. I think several hours elapsed before it became obvious where they had left him and he was rescued, worst of all he said he couldn't rest his legs because it was a squat toilet.

Agree with Bathsheba. It’s hilarious.

Well I don't have any funny toilet stories to relate, but I just want to thank you all for this hilarious thread. I haven't laughed so much for ages! Keep 'em coming

Well there is also the story of DD years and years ago - probably only about 4 announcing to all and sundry in the church during wedding of my sister that she 'needed a poo'. Looking back it did break the ice, Grooms family were a bit 'superior' and as it turned out for no reason as groom was a disappointment to all.

My worst toilet incident (sorry for straying from the OP, which had me in stitches, and on another day could definitely have been me) was on a coach.
Already needing a wee before the coach arrived for my Milton Keynes to Huddersfield trip, I didn't dare go in case it arrived and departed so quickly that I missed it. That meant that I was quite desperate for the on-board loo once aboard.

Firstly, space being so limited, there was no way of using the one toilet without every other passenger seeing me enter (this wouldn't bother me anywhere else, but for some reason did on that coach).

Secondly, having braved the walk of shame, and squeezed into the tiny cubicle, I found that the light did not work.

Thirdly, I think that the toilet was already overflowing, but I could hold on no longer, and just had to crouch over what I hoped was the toilet, though in the dark, I am not sure that I was 'hitting the target'.

Finally, I made my way back to my seat with damp knickers and the fear that the evidence of my visit would start to come under the door and flow down the coach.

I tell you what though - when we broke down 5 minutes later and had to wait ages to be recovered onto another coach, I wasn't half relieved that I had gone - literally.

We were at a wedding recently where the young bridesmaid played up most of the day ( normal for her her granny said) Her party trick was waiting until the ladies was full of people in cubicles and then switching all the lights out !!No windows in the loos so it reallly was a black hole .and two doors to get through to get to the switches .I didn't think it was funny ,there were quite a few older ladies in when she did it while I was in a cubicle and I didn't like it myself and I'm mobile enough to get out in the dark .Other peoples kids .!...mine would certainly never have done something so stupid

Auntieflo- I think we all understood that situation!

Great stories here and I have enjoyed reading them. I don't really have much of a story, but when I took our eldest granddaughter, aged about 4, shopping, she said she needed the loo. So using the facilities of a big store, in we went. Unfortunately, it wasn't very fragrant, and she clapped her hands over her face and rushed out again saying "I can't go in there". She then managed without a loo until we got home.

GillT57
. I really need to get my eyes sorted!

I once came out of my cubicle and my son, then aged about 5, proudly told me that he'd washed his hands but couldn't get the dryer to work. No wonder-he was trying to dry his hands at the Tampax machine.

I'm sure I read somewhere that squat position is much better for the pelvic floor than our usual one.

granmac your typo error of ^first few rears of my elder daughter's life^ was pertinent!