This can't be right?

Your grandchildren are 6 and 8, so they are old enough to understand that you do things differently in your house than their parents, so if you establish some ground rules the children will quite probably follow them without blinking.

The test of your diplomatic skills is negotiating this with your DS and DIL!

Your DIL sounds a nice person. She said, and I assume meant, that she didn't expect you to feed and entertain them.

In good time before their next visit, write or phone your DIL and say you would be happy if you (the adults in the family) could share some of the shopping, cooking etc. either by doing it together, or by taking turns. Now is also the time to start teaching your grandchildren to help in the kitchen. IMO no child should leave home at 18 or whenever unable to cook ordinary, nourishing and cheap food.

In your place I would insist, politely, but in a way that indicates that the matter is not open for negotiation, that everyone sits at the table while eating, and that children may "get down" when they have finished, but then they do not come back to the table. I would also ban snacks, they are unhealthy and ruin appetites for the meals, but I would be very willing to negotiate meal-times.

When I was a child, learning French at school, we were told that no French children ate the evening meal with their parents, but were served a meal at 5 or 6 p.m and were in bed before the grown-ups ate at 9 or 10. Worth considering, perhaps?

Also, insist that "at my time of life I need an afternoon rest" so for two hours every afternoon either your dear ones go out, or stay in, but that ABSOLUTE QUIET is necessary while you rest. I remember being annoyed as a child that my grandmother insisted on this, but we were taught to respect her right to an afternoon rest.

Sorry to say but French children can be awful also. Children are always worse when parents are around. Granny's house, Granny's rule but when parents are there....

mokryna Yes, they can!
French teenagers are allegedly perfectly behaved but try telling that to anyone who has worked in a summer school and the students are away from their parents too.

When I was a child, learning French at school, we were told that no French children ate the evening meal with their parents, but were served a meal at 5 or 6 p.m and were in bed before the grown-ups ate at 9 or 10. Worth considering, perhaps?
Some of our family do that as the children are hungry at 5 pm, but they all eat together at weekends.

Perhaps it would help not to do everything together? Offer to babysit sometimes, in the day or evening, but also let them go out as a family, so you have a break and the children have a good day, at their pace, with Mum and Dad and come back to a nice meal, a game, a kid's film, or a BBQ. Also, maybe you could think of a treat for each child and take them out separately? Sometimes when everyone is together it can get a bit boisterous or they feel they have to demand attention. If you discuss the details the day before, no-one will be upset. Lovely that you saw them for such a long time though, they'll have good memories and so will you.

If you only see them a few times a year it will be impossible for you to have stricter discipline all the time as it seems the parents have failed to enforce any. I would insist on safety rules around the pool though. Perhaps if you just provide rolling buffets all day then the 'not sitting down' for meals business won't seem such a hassle. Could you also take them out so the parents get a rest and then insist on your rules while you have them?
I have my grandchildren over a lot so they know my rules. I have removed their plate before now and tipped the meal leftovers in the bin if they continued to leave the table (their mother approved and started to do it at home too). Then they weren't offered anything else until the next meal. They soon learnt to sit throughout the meal after that as they missed pudding!

mokryna I didn't imply that French children were perfect, just that they are taught to behave properly in restaurants.
That has been my experience anyway.

I have to say that I have just come back from seeing my two grandchildren, 3 and 6 months. We went out for a meal to a very nice restaurant and I could not fault their behaviour. My DiL had brought things to keep the 3 year old busy and the 6 month old either slept or sat on his daddy's lap and smiled at us. Not all modern children run around although I am shocked by how many do. Our children were brought up in Holland and there parents are very relaxed with their children but they did not get up from the table during a meal. As for French children, in my opinion, they are too frightened of their parents to do anything wrong. That is not good either.

SI expect it was the excitement of being away that did it for the gc. Suggest that next time when they come over and sit down for a meal you tell them one of nana rules are that you only leave the table when everyone is finished eating. You might have a bit of oh no from adults as well as kids but just in a lovely way way, sorry, but that is the way it is in this house. If you leave the table before your pudding then you will get none. I did this with my five gc and when they brought their friends over they use to tell them them nanny has table rules and it worked. Nothing wrong in teaching them manners and life skills.

I think that "your house, your rules" I applicable if they were permanently living with you, but one does have to be tolerant when you have visitors. That's part of the reason you go on holiday, is to step outside of all the rules and regulations. A little freedom so to speak. It could be that you aren't used to having children around anymore. So you have lost touch with the busy way of life that happens when you have little people.
Which is understandable.

As for French children, in my opinion, they are too frightened of their parents to do anything wrong
Perhaps that explains their behaviour when let off the leash dragonfly

I remember one of my granddaughters was always getting down from the table but always asked if she could and it generally meant that she had finished eating - she was a very picky eater back then (she's nearly 17 now). When they were here on their own we ate in the kitchen and they couldn't get out so had to wait until we were all finished but most of the time they were happy to sit with us.

It is exhausting having young children to stay - we had our grandsons 2 & 4 here for 6 weeks at Christmas which was really hard work and as someone said it gives you an insight into your AC's lives together. The boys were very demanding, the parents often very frazzled and the poor grandparents often didn't know how to cope. As it was winter too they couldn't go out to play. Even so it was extremely sad when they left to go home as we don't know when we'll see them again. If you're lucky enough to have them come to stay annually hopefully next year they'll be a little older and will understand if they're asked to sit at the table for meals or at least ask if they can get down when they've had enough to eat.

I am sitting here in a freshly cleaned and tidied house waiting for the arrival of my DIL, her mother and 3 of our GC for their annual week long visit, DS3 will be over next weekend. I feel as if I'm waiting for a battle battle to begin. We love them all to bits and my DIL is like the daughter I never had, but I know by the end of the week we will be exhausted and really looking forward to them going home. I think it's the constant noise and activity, arguing, horrendous untidiness and snacking all day, so at dinner time they don't want to eat. I have a policy of Nanny's house, Nanny's rules but it doesn't always work! It also doesn't help that I don't feel great today, IBS. When they leave next weekend we will have a few days respite before DS1 and his family descend on us for their school holiday visit, but I won't be able to relax as I'll have to change beds, clean rooms and shop . As we only see them all when school holidays and work allow I suppose I should be grateful that they make the effort to travel 150 miles to see us. I could definitely never cope with running a B&B!!

I could definitely never cope with running a B&B!!
I say that to DH every time we have had visitors!
Besides the fact that I am hopeless at cooking 'A full English'

Silverlining47.Two weeks is not an eternity, however GC's behaviour is understandably annoying. You should not feel you have to sit back and say nothing for fear of upsetting S and DIL who from what you describe appear to allow this kind of behaviour. I don't believe meal times should be made a game as some may resort to or the need to make anything a game in order to get done what has to be done where young children are concerned. Who is in control ? adults? or six and eight year olds in order to obtain a bit of respect in your own home. They are not babies and are capable of understanding when gran is not happy with their behaviour.Before daggers are thrown I too have been there. You are entitled to respect regardless of whether you upset S and DIL and the longer their parents condone this behaviour then at some stage it will not only be yourself that finds it unacceptable.









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Well said Sarah....

The parents are indulgent and inconsistent. A lot of over the top praise and negotiating of simple rules

Oh Silverlining this is one of the things that irritates me about this generation of parents.

You see it everywhere. Children are praised and told how wonderful they are for the least little thing - and the exaggerated praise is delivered as though it was a flippin' school speech day..."Oh well done X. You did that so well and Mummy and Daddy are so pleased with you. Thank you. That was sooooo special and you're soooooo clever" blah, blah, blah for the next 30 minutes. OK, so I exaggerate but everything is greeted with profuse acclaim.

We should expect good behaviour and a simple thank you should suffice, in my book or a growl and a firm NO! as a response to bad behaviour. Instead, children, who are never wrong, are told very kindly (with another effusive sermon) how wonderful they are but really, lobbing bricks at people 'isn't very nice'. To follow, the brick-throwers are praised for their wonderful over-arm technique and their accuracy in hitting the target. All's good.

Our son and DIL are rearing little GD (2) as though the world revolves around her (Is social media responsible? Do all young parents believe their child is amazing and like no other and they are special parents? I know we all loved our children and knew them to be special - to us - but we seemed a much more realistic and less tolerant generation of parents.)

Little GD like most toddlers, is going through a throwing things phase (at visitors sometimes) and a smacking phase, and is generally testing the boundaries now she is mobile. We sat with other relatives when we visited them and GD time and time again threw her toys and books at those interacting with her. It was a game and not malicious but parents over and over again (I lost count of the times) picked her up and said "We don't throw toys, do we? Go and say sorry to X"...which involved her going and giving a quick knee hug to the person with the bruised cheek, arm. foot etc. We all said "Awww" (how cute etc....) until we realised this was the routine ; misbehave, do quick meaningless toddler hug, then carry on with the bad behaviour. Over and over again. By the end of our visit we'd witness or been on the receiving end of about 50 'sorry' hugs. Child had learned nothing but to give a meaningless hug and to carry on with the bad behaviour.

It is so hard not to intervene. I'd have managed her SO differently if she'd been mine.

Instead of having meals at the table perhaps you could think of BBQ by the pool and free and easy eating there for other times too. Not ideal, I realise, but maybe getting away from the table could remove all that stress. As the weather where you are is reliable eating al fresco can be so relaxing.

Some great responses and ideas. Thanks. Interesting comments about observing the AC when you spend a lot of time around them and their own family.
Icanhandthemback...a rather poignant post that resonated with my own feelings sometimes.
Day6...I laughed out loud at your descriptions! They summed it up perfectly.
The one thing that seems to annoy all of us is the running around at mealtimes but I like the comment that soon they'll annoy us by sitting at the table playing on their phones!
Altogether I feel a lot happier now and I know that everyone had a lovely time and they'll have happy memories. Next year we will all be a year older........!

A simple rule but one we insisted on:

"Please make sure you go to the loo and wash your hands before coming to the table."
There's no excuse then for jumping up!

Thank you Middleagespread, that's a kind and thoughtful post.

That sounds familiar, Silverlining. When we lived in France various grandchildren etc came to stay, but usually Sunday to Friday. so not too exhausting. Why not suggest a shorter holiday next year?
I was dreading mealtimes because one family in particular were awkward in their own home. But they weren't too bad. I think their parents had lectured them first.
I had an annoying example recently, staying with friends, and another family with 2 young children were staying too. The children would take some food and wander round spreading crumbs everywhere so I got the little girl to sit down. Her father got angry with me and said "they're allowed to leave the table to eat at home!"
I could hardly believe the lack of respect for the host's house. I was fuming. But most parents don't like others to correct their children.

I telkl my DGC to behave and sit at the table but then their parents do too and don't mind if I do. It's one thing to run around when in your own place (though not particularly acceptable) but when out it's not only annoying and disruptive to you and your family but to other diners too. If you start gently reprimanding them then perhaps their parents will get the message and do it too!