Overbearing other grandmother

I'm the paternal granny of one of my 4 GC,she has lived with us for half of every week since she was a year old .Her parents split and decided on joint custody ,mum stayed with her other granny and dad came back home to us .
She has had the best time having two grannies in her life and thats what your little one will need .So please dont get upset about the other GP being able to afford more than you,what things cost doesn't count with babies.All they need is people who love them .Dont try to make them take your old cot though ,as others have said safety standards have changed since yours and mine were babies .Offer them something towards a new cot if you cant afford to pay it all and get them some leaflets so you can be involved in choosing what they want.Above all ENJOY the lead up to the birth and the special wee person who will steal your heart

I was in a similar position and decided I was never going to try to compete. I asked what cot they would like and as it was within the budget I could afford, that was what I bought.if you can’t afford the style they would like just put money towards it. 4years down the line the other grandparents still rush out buying big items for grandchild , much to sons despair (small house)I give my time and have a lovely relashionship with my gd. Look forward to meeting this little person and enjoy being a granma it is a special time.

Grandchildren – and I have six of them, ranging from three to 16 – are a joy, a delight, a pain in the neck and a worry that keeps you awake all night. What happens before and immediately after the first one is born doesn't have to set the pattern for the rest of their lives or the rest of ours. Cots, prams, clothes, toys, etc. are things and, of course, it is nice to help your daughter/son with the staggering costs of a newborn baby. It is not a competition and anyone in the family who makes it so is being unutterably silly and no one else in the family should take any notice.

What any sensible parent wants from their child's grandparents is love, time, care and thoughtfulness; they may not fully realise this before the child makes an appearance.

What I have found as a grandparent is that I am the only one in the family who has the time and patience to mix paints and provide huge sheets of paper for painting. I am the only one who has the time to play endless games of snakes and ladders, Dodge the Dino, Ludo, backgammon, Lunch Box, Hungry Dinosaurs, go fish, the Captain's Mistress, etc. and read the same story to the three-year-old eight times on the trot. That is not because my son-in-law's parents are uncaring – far from it as they are wonderfully loving but just live further away and cannot see the children on a daily or even weekly basis. As far as I know they are not jealous of the time (quite a lot) that the grandchildren spend with me and nor am I jealous of how the grandchildren rave about the magically wonderful time they have had when they have visited Grandma and Grandad.

Being a grandparent is something we do for the rest of our lives. It would be wise to do it informed by love and an ability to keep the lip zipped about "it wasn't like that in my day". It would be silly to compete with the "other" grandparents because it is something they will also do for the rest of their lives.

I am fortunate in that I get on very well with the other grandparents, although we don't see each other very often. However, if we didn't get on, I would a) continue to be polite and b) take no notice of anything derogatory about me.

My son lives overseas and they live very close to their paternal grandparents I have always accepted they will grow up to know and love these grandparents more than me
I did have a jealous moment when I visited to meet the second baby for the first time he was a few months old and the other grandma hardly gave me a look in (as she knew what was best etc and kept whisking him away) My son was annoyed and my daughter in law was a bit embarrassed about it and I bristled inwardly for a bit as I was only there for a few weeks but my daughter in law is lovely so I had no thought of letting it spoil things too much
I have grown to realise that daughters always gravitate to their own mums ( I did myself) and I certainly had a really close relationship with my own Nan but only saw my paternal Gran once a week although we all lived close geographically I don’t remember any presents or contact with that gran and grandad, although she was a lovely gentle person

I do so hope you are still there Nord please pop back and talk to us I see Diktat has posted again well I think you owe Nord an apology

I am the paternal GM and have never been made to feel second best, from the very beginning I have been the babysitter and provider of shoes.
DIL's parents live a considerable distance from them and it would not be practical for them to do day to day care.
First time round I bought the pram and car seat and for the second one a new cot mattress and bedding. There was never any mention of other GPs wanting to buy any of the items, I would have been happy for them to participate and I would have stepped back, but it didn't happen.

Well off grandparents may provide beautiful things for their grandchild.

Not so well off grandparents provide giggles, mud pies, walks in the park, visits to the library and making chocolate krispies.

I know which set I prefer.

However, these are, of course not mutually exclusive and most well off grandparents manage all of the above. And I hope most not so well off grandparents realise the value of what they provide.

I think you can give the baby love and time. You can give the parents that and support and they are things nobody can buy.

Excellent post absent ... and it could almost be my situation (though I am more a baker than a game player!)

There are always things to adjust to in new family dynamics. DDs in-laws could buy and sell me, and I have had to adapt to their higher financial input (wedding/equipment purchases/gifts etc). They also live further away, so now DD has returned to work the GC go to stay for 3-4 days at a time, in the holidays.
I am always hearing about what a super time they have.
However, similarly to absent , I contribute in a very different way. SIL is away much of the time, so I help with a lot of the day to life....from school collections, to being on hand for the unexpected trip to A&E.
My own DDs adored their paternal grandparents....who lived thousands of miles away, and saw them twice a year.

The only thing that matters is that the GC are growing up knowing they are loved by all their extended family. There are no losers, if it is never made into a competition.
(estrangements excepted! that is a different ball game)

DH and I have more money to spend on our DGC than other GM. Does that make us better GP? Certainly not. It is time and love that matters. Playing with your DGC, loving them and caring about them. The baby will not care who bought the prom or the cot or if it isn't gold plated. The baby's will just want to be loved.

Are you reading these messages now NordschliefeQueen?

I fear that after reading the initial responses NordschleifeQueen has made good on her promise never to come on GN again. I shall be very sad if that is the case and she has left without seeing the kinder responses that followed.

Just bear in mind that grandparenting is not a competitive sport!! offer loads of time maybe to help out with the new baby, if you feel you can't compete with the expensive pram. Loads of love is is really all that is needed when the new baby arrives! good luck

can you use your family cot at your house for naps when the baby is visiting? but do invest in a new mattress for it please as the old ones can harbour some nasty germs

Yes, as mother of son - DIL’s parents took over wedding and then more so when my first GC was born 4 yrs ago and continue to do so. I’ve heard this is so commom with DILs - paternal grandparents hardly getting a look-in.

I have never seen it as a competition and have only bought what I can afford (being a single Snr) so don’t get hung up about what I buy or how much time I get to spend with my GC. ?

I'm a paternal G. Never once have the other GP and I discussed prospective gifts and all has gone extremely well and I can only think of one 'almost' duplication. We don't meet often but get on rather well when we do. I think the sensible thing to do is approach the parents stating your desire to contribute and perhaps they will come up with a thought-out item that suits all three of you be it a cot or something else. Good luck and serious congrats on the forthcoming GC. Hope you enjoy the experience as much as I do.

Don't give up, responses are generally open and considered. I have a gs living 500 miles away. DiL's parents are very wealthy so no way can I compete with gifts etc. I am very lucky though in that DIL does not make differences. In your situation just do your own thing regarding gifts. If you do want to buy the cot obviously find out which one would be acceptable or give money for parents to do the necessary. Being so far away I just gave money. If you have a strong feeling about your cot not being acceptable could you offer a car seat perhaps. There have probably been a lot of changes to cot requirements since your DS was born therefore try not to feel it has been dismissed offhand. Also may not be able to source a mattress to fit safely as sizes change. Congratulations!

NordschleifeQueen, I can understand why you would want to gift the cot you had been saving. It means a lot to you - happy memories which you'd like to pass on.

Perhaps the GF wants to make fresh memories of her own, as did you when you became a mother.

Personally, I would not get involved in a 'I spent more than you' competition. The old adage of 'It's the thought that counts' still stands true today.

I wish you well and for happy times ahead with your new GC. xx

I can see this unravelling as have many before it on here.
10-1 it won't go the distance but you can be sure that the woes between DC, DGC and GPs will keep these forums busy in the years to come.
It might be an idea if the parents bought their own cot, pram and clothes instead of telling tbeir parents what to buy.
The angst and 'competition' between GPs, AC and GC never ceases to amaze me.

Two of my grandsons (brothers) have the other Grandmother who has a portfolio of properties, so clearly I can't and never have tried to compete, just given them love and what I can afford in gifts. It is interesting to discover that these two lads prefer me. One of them said to me "I dont go to see her because she's not like you grandma" I had tears in my eyes.

Dear NordschleifeQueen, I do hope you come back or at least look at the newer messages. The cruel one you referred to has been deleted by Gransnet.

Grandchildren can be a total joy, but sometimes the adult relationships take a bit of getting used to!

Enjoy your grandchild when the little one arrives. Hugs to you ??

No NordschleifeQueen, we are nit horrible people. Some of us may be a little more to the point in our responses and have opposing views but, as long as the posts are not outrightly rude or deliberately meant to humiliate etc, then if you pose a question, you must expect a variety of views, some not to your liking.
It's a shame that you appear to have disappeared but on here, you get our honest views. Some are unpalatable truths but we learn from stepping back and seeing what others see, not hearing only what we want to hear.
Step back in and join the fray.

Not, not nit

I just remember my own experience as a mum. I always went to my own mum and dad first - it is quite natural - my mother in law was very kind and sensible - also very wise. She had two other children too and was a busy doctor. We always made sure our children had plenty of contact with them - my husband wouldn’t have had it any other way. However the emotional ties with my parents were naturally stronger. Nothing wrong with that. I have 3 children - two of them boys- one has a wife who has lost both her parents- the other son has a wife who still has both parents but who needs lots of help as one of their children is severely disabled. Her parents are always on hand as she naturally turns to them first - my son makes sure we see all his 4 children very regularly. I have always asked my daughters in law what they would like me to buy for the children- sometimes they let me decide - sometimes they suggest something- try not to worry too much or to get frustrated and cross- be patient and I’m sure in time - it will work out and they will be asking for help and advice- just wait till they ask. Your son must also play his part in including you.

I do believe that warmth, smiles, love, hugs and cuddles, trips to the park or playground, a listening ear for their news and troubles, reading with them and homemade cakes are remembered and valued by our grandchildren long after "stuff", no matter how much it cost, is outgrown and forgotten. I wasn't lucky enough to experience this from my own grandparents but have done my best to put this into practice with my 7 grandchildren and it works. The joy of being greeted with hugs and smiles even from the teenagers and the younger ones running into my open arms is as good as life gets. Although, now they are all growing so big I am in grave danger of being flattened at times.

Also, asking the parents what they would like or what would be helpful or useful is always a pretty good starting point for gifts.

I think there have been some really thoughtful posts on here, all of which are reaching out to NQ but I am amazed at NQ's rude post. I am even more amazed that lovely MNts are still posting and trying to help the OP. OK there was a post some referred to but it has been removed. Some posts are trying to welcome NQ which is in my view more than she deserves.