Overbearing other grandmother

NordschleifeQueen,

Congratulations on soon becoming a Gran! What an exciting time and so many expectations! There are many threads on this forum about the role that one set of GPs plays, as opposed to the other.

As the mother of two women, I've been a maternal grandmother four times, so perhaps my perspective can help.

It is perfectly normal for daughters to prefer their mums (as opposed to their InLaws) especially when it's the birth of the first child. Childbirth is normal, safe and natural except when it's happening to your own 'baby girl'! The bond between mothers and daughters during this special time is not easily broken. It may seem as if maternal Grans get the front row seats more often, but they also share more worry, more responsibility, more time and more work!

The arrival of new baby is something to be clebrated and shared. Your role as a grandparent is just as important too. Get a sense of what your Son and DIL would like, then go out and pick a beautiful cot you can afford. Cherish this time and try to have fun in the process.....there's plenty of love to go around!

As always I missed reading the nasty post before GN deleted it (must get online earlier tomorrow) but in general thought others responses were kind and friendly

GabriellaG and nananina, did you actually see the deleted post before it disappeared? I did, it was very nasty, and oh, was it ever outrightly rude or deliberately meant to humiliate!

NQ posted what has now been described as her rude post shortly after being attacked, and she was a lot more polite than most would have been.

I actually think GNHQ shouldn't delete posts. If they'd left it standing, with a comment from themselves, you'd have seen why NQ was angry, and wouldn't now be having a go at her.

marionk

The problem with the cot is that it likely isn't safe. Most cots made before about 1985 aren't. The bars are often too wide and a baby could get his head stuck between them. Many are also drop side cots which are even more dangerous - the side could come down suddenly. Not to mention that materials don't last forever.

Yes, this mum and many other mums raised their babies and used cots that weren't technically "safe" and their babies didn't die, but sadly many babies weren't so fortunate. That's why we don't use those types of cots anymore. As we learn better we do better. (An example: back in the day most cars didn't have seatbelts, but I'm sure no one would take their GC in the car without one!)

If the cot is that old I'm not surprised the mum rejected it sight unseen. It needs to be replaced.

Hi Nord Congratulations on impending grandparenthood! Try hard not to feel competitive.. different is good and not less valuable! It's not about the money but about the love!
I am a maternal grandmother and would be horrified if my DD1 considered her MiL as a secondary grandma! It is true that I see more of the DGC but that is because I choose to do so and if other granny also wanted to pick them up from school 2 x week she would be welcomed with open arms..by the children and my DiL. But we are very different and that is lovely for the DGCs as they have different (not better or more important) relationships with both of us grans. I am thrilled that the boys have others who care about them and have another 'extended' family. It is good for them.
MY DD2 does not have an active MiL/other gran, though she has met our shared DGDs. Because of estrangement from her son, which happened well before he met my DD, sadly she is not interested in the girls. I worry for them more than the boys as they are very close to my DH & me. Other than their Aunt (my DD1) they have no other close family. So from my perspective the more active grannies the better. We offer different experiences for our grandchildren who will return the love regardless of what we are able to spend!
Whatever you do, do not hesitate to offer any help /support you want/are able to offer because you fear it is not wanted or the first offer was not taken up. Offer it with no expectation and keep doing so. A walk in the park is as important as the trip to the theme park!

It might help to think "Would I have been more comfortable with my mother with a first baby or with my MIL?"

It's true that first timers want all new.

I had a nasty time with a few people when I was first on here and left for a while but it seems nicer now in general. It's difficult when you can't put all the circs for fear of people knowing who you are.

I know you have had a bad first experience but stick with us - some very good advice on here, we even get DILS taking refuge from Mumsnet - they always get a fair perspective from us when they have trouble with MILs, they are even sometimes right!

Congratulations on soon becoming a Grandmother.

Does it really matter who buys what or spends more ? I’ve yet to see a prom bwing pushed along with a notice saying who bought it or how much it cost them.
When our DGC were expected we just offered an amount of money and said to buy what was needed with it.
Time, help and love are the important things to give to your DS , DIL and DGC.

Sorry for the typos.

ginny

Agree 100% that the pram doesn't have a sign on it. As I said, the baby doesn't notice whether the cot or the pram or the car seat or whatever cost L100 or L1000, they just know it's a comfortable place to sit or sleep!

(This reminded me of the time a friend dropped me off at home. We lived in a very small home at the time (650 sq ft; we have since moved). I told my friend it was small and she said she'd never seen a hearse pulling a U-Haul (moving van). )

The OP hasn't posted again since expressing her upset after receiving an unhelpful reply which I didn't see so I feel we are talking to ourselves. Hopefully it will help others

Maggiemaybe

Hang on...I was most certainly NOT 'having a go' at the OP.
I did not see the now deleted response.
I did, however, point out that there would, invariably, be a selection of views across the spectrum and entreated her to come back and 'join the fray'.
It doesn't do to hsve a thin skin on any social media platform but there are (and should quite rightly be) limits as to what is tolerated.
I agree that, had I seen the deleted post, I would have made my disgust known but it might also have started a war of words between other GNers which would have distracted from the original thread.

When I wrote 'it', I meant the deleted post. Had it been left for all to see, it might have started everyone chatting about that and not the thread.

Congratulations, it's the best job in the world.

Reach out to other grandmother, be sociable, instigate social contact, because your grandchild will benefit.

Congratulations. I missed seeing the deleted post so just concentrate on the nice ones. I shouldn't bother on who spends what- the baby won't care (even when they are old enough to know!)
You are not secondary grandparents - people spout such rubbish! The grandchild isn't interested in whether you are paternal side or maternal - they make their own relationship with you. What matters to them is the time that you spend- if you are the one happy to read to them, play games etc you will be fine.
It is best to stay friendly with the other grandmother - smile, nod and let it all flow over you.

Diktats deleted post was horrible and shocked me at the vitriol unfortunately I think Nords has left us which is a real shame as she hasn’t seen all the encouraging posts posted afterwards I m afraid I would have done the same if that had been my first post
Nords if you are there please come back and talk to us, for the most part on here people even when they don’t agree manage to put it in a reasonable way, (except maybe the political threads) unfortunately a few don’t You were unlucky that the first post you got was a blast
?

I should add I did try to send Nord a pm to encourage her back but it couldn’t be delivered so I m not sure if that means she’s left Gransnet or just shut off her private messaging (if you can do that)

Think it means she’s gone Bluebelle. Maybe one day we’ll be given another chance and the messages here will encourage a return. Hope so.

Everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect. Perhaps there's a lesson to be learned here.....It's one thing to give helpful, productive advice. It isn't helpful to pass judgments or to 'scold' someone over their feelings or actions.

Nord....if you're reading this:

Most of us don't approve of chastising or humiliating anyone. There may be a few bad apples lurking around, but they don't speak for everyone. Everyone deserves a second chance, so please reconsider and know that the rest of us are always ready to help with kindness and understanding.

I made a 'layette' for each of my 3 grandchildren. Bought 3 wicker baskets lined with lace edged liners and then gradually added to them during the pregnancy. Items such as cot sheets blankets nappies wipes brush n comb baby bath rubber duck vests baby grows hat's mitts etc everything needed for a new born. Bought a few things with my weekly shopping each week so spread the cost. Both DILs loved it.

Being the mother of the father can be quite hard - almost always a daughter will favour her own mother. I would just try to be happy about the gift of this new child, who will become your greatest joy, provided that you can keep on good terms with your daughter in law, which -sadly - you won't, if you make an issue about the behaviour or attitude of the other grandmother. Please try not to let this happy time be spoiled by competition with the mother's family - be glad that your son's child is going to have so much love in his or her life. The most precious gift to a child is to know they are loved and wanted.

Well said MaudLillian

I went to a baby class before the baby was born and they said one thing not to get second hand is a cot. This may be her reason? I asked about my sister's as my neice just got out of hers so it's still new and they said no. I don't know the reason but try not to be upset by it, and don't worry about spending equal amounts! Enjoy cot shopping as it can be fun! Lots of designs!

I certainly wouldn't buy a second-hand cot if it was that old. A newer one, maybe, but not an older one. As I said, cots made before about 1985 generally aren't safe.

The two things that should especially NEVER be bought second-hand are helmets and car seats. There are two reasons for this. First of all, they have an expiry date. (Yup, plastic expires!) Secondly, you do not know the history. If a helmet or car seat is ever involved in an accident it MUST be replaced, even if it looks okay. There could be microscopic damage that is too small to be seen, but could render the item unsafe.

I was really close to my maternal grandparents growing up and would spend lots of time with them e.g. sleepovers but that's because they were interested in us and wanted to be a part of our lives. My paternal grandparents were happy just just pop over for an hour once a week and were not really bothered.

I still see my maternal nan a lot, but haven't seen my paternal one in over 5 years.

If you take the time to show you're interested in the GC then you will have a wonderful relationship that has nothing to do with the "other granny"

I don’t understand why some grandmothers get so upset over things like this. For example why would you think she would want your old cot? Don’t you remember being a first time mom and wanting to purchase your own things in your own taste for you baby? Stop making it a competition and stop thinking only of your feelings. Instead think of and consider what the parents want and need and offer that. Meals, cooking, babysitting, clothing. NO advice. NO hand me down baby items. No new parent wants that kind of “support” from grandma and grandpa.