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(149 Posts)
moggie57 Tue 21-Aug-18 21:09:12

today i took my gc to the seaside. they really enjoyed it .i didnt ask my daughter as i knew she would say no. we got back a little late as we missed the return train.should have been back by 4.30 pm latest we arrived about 5.30pm. d was fuming saying i went behind her back .yes i did as she said i could have them for the day and she knew we were going out all day . i just didnt tell her where ,gc were quite safe with me .i met my brother who lives at the seaside resort ,so there was two of us looking after them.when i questioned my d about why i wasnt allowed to take them to seaside. she said because of personal reasons ,but wouldnt divulge them .her husbands m and h take them out. and she herself took them to another seaside why could i not do the same.? i am really puzzled by this.yes i understand i went behind her back. but the gc never go anywhere.she doesnt allow them to be children everything is her and other GP.

Melanieeastanglia Tue 21-Aug-18 21:17:50

Would it have been possible for you to ring or text her to say you were going to be late back? Your daughter was probably worried.

If your daughter doesn't wish you to take them to the seaside, I guess you ought not to do so. Would she agree to you taking to some other place such as a park or zoo?

Perhaps a compromise can be reached so that you and your grandchildren can have a good time together without going against your daughter who is their mother.

I don't mean to be unkind but it will probably anger your daughter if you do things behind her back.

agnurse Tue 21-Aug-18 21:20:02

Full stop here. You took them to the seaside WITHOUT her consent KNOWING that she would say no?

Frankly were I in her position I would never leave the children alone with you again.

You may have been well-intentioned, but at the end of the day, they're NOT YOUR CHILDREN. Can you imagine if someone you trusted took YOUR children out and you had no idea where they were? Especially if they got back late?

It sounds as if the two of you have different ideas when it comes to childrearing. These are HER children. You raised your children your way. Now she gets to raise her children her way.

A sincere apology from you is needed. You need to accept that what you did wasn't acceptable. You also need to give her time to restore her trust in you.

Cherrytree59 Tue 21-Aug-18 21:25:13

I would never go against the wishes of my grandchildren's parents.
To look after our DGC is a privilege.
I would never jeopardise my relationship with my DC or my DGC.

Your DD obviously has her own private reasons.
And in my imho should be respected.

moggie57 Tue 21-Aug-18 21:59:35

yes i did text her three times to tell her we were on our way back. and i told her where we had been.i cant see a problem as i'm a qualified NVQ pre school asstistant .have been for over 30 years, they were quite safe with me.

moggie57 Tue 21-Aug-18 22:01:50

no to any other places.. we can go to local park or to another park/farm out of the area but not the seaside. i dont know what her personal reasons are she wont tell me.but her mil can take them where she wants to.

Violetfloss Tue 21-Aug-18 22:04:53

You knew she would say no to the seaside, so you kept it from her and did it anyway.
You then returned her children an hour later than arranged.

You messed up. Not her.

moggie57 Tue 21-Aug-18 22:05:04

i have apologised and that she could have text me at any time. as i could her.she invited me to stay for dinner etc.but she would still not tell me her personal reasons why i can not take the children further afield.

Eglantine21 Tue 21-Aug-18 22:06:32

Because she does not trust you?

With due cause.

I sincerely hope this is a wind up.

M0nica Tue 21-Aug-18 22:07:43

You take your DGC somewhere their mother says they are ot to go, miss the train home, getting back late and did not contact your DD to explain and then say gc are quite safe with me. Are you insane?

Did you be any chance redecorate the kitchen while your DD was in hospital having her children (see another thread)?

How would you have felt if someone had ignored all your instructions when your children were young and allowed them to do something you expressly forbade just because they couldn't see what the problem was?

Your actions were selfish and disrespectful. If I was your daughter I would never leave my DC in your charge again. I would not trust you nor the safety of my children when they were with you.

Violetfloss Tue 21-Aug-18 22:09:54

She doesn't have to explain her 'personal reasons' at all if she doesn't want to.
You need to respect her wishes and the word 'No' maybe then she might trust you.

moggie57 Tue 21-Aug-18 22:11:02

she knows her children are safe with me ,and yes i did apologise to her. i can see what you mean though...but i wish she would take them out more. the only place they go with mum is london ,they dont go out anywhere else. maybe a park. but no where further afield.she knew i was taking them out for the day.but yes i can now see it from another angle...

M0nica Tue 21-Aug-18 22:13:44

It is none of your business to know what your daughters reasons are. She makes the decisions about her children's upbringing and you abide by them. You cannot choose to just follow the instructions you agree with and ignore the rest.

Whether this is a wind up or not, it does not change my views.

Eglantine21 Tue 21-Aug-18 22:27:13

Absolutely Monica.

I hoped it was a wind up because it’s difficult to think that someone who says she is professionally responsible for other people’s children could behave in this way.

Would she take children out of her preschool and off to the seaside without parental permission? Her daughters children are not hers to do with as she pleases any more than the children in her preschool.

It makes my blood run cold to think she is employed in the care of small children with such a cavalier attitude towards parents and their wishes.

I’m getting quite het up!

agnurse Wed 22-Aug-18 00:43:55

Why does it matter where she does and doesn't take her children and where her MIL and FIL do or don't take her children?

Grandparenting isn't a competition. It's really none of your business where the other grandparents take someone else's children.

absent Wed 22-Aug-18 05:29:06

I take my grandchildren to all sorts of places without bothering to ask their mother or father for consent (not abroad). When she/he entrusts their children to my care, they trust that I will look after them and do things that are appropriate and safe for their ages. Of course I do. That way, the kids have lots of fun.

This "personal reasons" thing sounds a bit odd.

absent Wed 22-Aug-18 05:35:10

Sorry, but I was just thinking after my post. If there is a memory of, say, a drowned sibling, a friend's child, some other close little one, a terrible and frightening incident with an unknown child on the beach somewhere, then that could be a worrying issue for your daughter. However, it would be helpful if she told you what she feared, even if it seems vague and unreasonable; after all, many fears are vague and unreasonable.

ChaosIncorporated Wed 22-Aug-18 07:22:41

I cannot imagine not telling a parent where their children will be.
What if there were to be a car accident or terrorist incident, and you didn't come home? is she supposed to ring police and say my children are missing, but I have no idea where you start looking?

I also wonder where you told your D that you were going, OP? Obviously not the actual destination.
Can you see how difficult it would be to have trust in someone who intentionally deceives, and directly goes against clear instructions?
Perhaps the other GP is given more free rein because she has proven that she can be completely trusted?

FlexibleFriend Wed 22-Aug-18 08:03:32

The reasons she won't allow you to take her children to the Beach is because she doesn't trust you.
You have just proved her right.
I see why people end up estranged when they think they know better or go behind the parents back.
You're lucky your daughter is still speaking to you but that may change.

Violetfloss Wed 22-Aug-18 08:29:37

She might have Anxiety. Staying in the same regular places, not going far is normal for Anxiety suffers.

It doesn't matter if you 30 years of experience looking after children, if a parent had said 'No' would go behind their back and do it anyway?

Tbh, I think with your 30 years experience, it makes it worse.
If you're not allowed to have the children for a while, don't fight it.

Maggiemaybe Wed 22-Aug-18 08:41:46

I can’t imagine a scenario where we had our DGS for the day and didn’t discuss with their parents what we were planning to do. Followed by a couple of updates or photos during the day. The lack of communication seems weird.

Anniebach Wed 22-Aug-18 09:05:17

This is a windup surely?

MawBroon Wed 22-Aug-18 09:17:36

Awaiting GCSE results?

Stansgran Wed 22-Aug-18 09:24:27

Can you swim?
Did you let the children paddle?
Does she know your brother lives by the seaside resort? Does she think you won't pay attention to them if you are with him?

Jalima1108 Wed 22-Aug-18 09:27:22

A* for English grammar?