All or None

I understand the various viewpoints, but have to say that my 4 year old GD loves her DM's undivided attention, so doesn't mind times when her two brothers come without her. Sometimes they all come together and other times singly. Parents can do something more special with the one that's left. DD doesn't mind which 'combination' it is, as any of them give her a bit of a break. If the parents have to or want to go somewhere without the DC's, then we will have them all.

Maybe time to get a third bed and give it a go! I'm sure the 12 year old would be able to help out with his little sister if need be

Sounds to me as if your grand-daughter threw a hissy fit last time her brothers slept at your place, skinnypuppy, and your daughter has decided to give in to the dear little brat rather than teach her that her older brothers need some time away from their annoying little sister.

She is probably the dearest little girl on earth, but in the eyes of her brothers she is a little brat, at least at times.

No good discussing it with your daughter, right now. Next time you feel like asking the GC to stay, perhaps you could try all three, using sleeping bags or a folding mattress on the floor for the third child?

skinny puppy, if your communication style with your daughter and wife is similar to the one shown here, I wouldn't be surprised if fall outs occur. Maybe ultimatums are issued to avoid getting into a row with you,

The granddaughter is now at the age she will ask why she can't go. Difficult to explain to a four year old...

I'm afraid an un-housetrained puppy wouldn't be welcome in my house even though I have my own dog and cats. I'd be happy for them to be in the garden though. Obviously once the dog was housetrained, no problem.

My son has 5 children and there was no way we could have more that 2 at a time stay. So thats what we did, it ended up that just the same 2 wanted to come as they liked doing the things we did. So to balance it we would treat the others in a different way with just a special day out doing whatever they wanted, within reason. Seemed to work. So suggest the 2 boys to stay and then a bit later the girls either coming on her own or having a special day.

We often have all 6 stay over. Great fun but exhausting.
I have found having just one at a time is really good as you can do things just they want to do & they get one to one attention. We have often done this when maybe the others have parties to go to or something the little one is too young for or the older ones think they have outgrown-a trip to PeppaPig world did NOT appeal to 10 year old brother so he came to us & saw the new Star Wars film with HD.
Maybe ask if you can have them one at a time & make it special just for them. I think they appreciate being the centre of attention & you get some great one to one time with them.

I too can see both sides. I have 2 grandchildren of 4yrs, and they would definitely notice they were being left behind. The difficulty is that they are not really old enough to understand why.

If you don’t want the children individually, or your daughter doesn’t like the idea, I think the earlier suggestion of taking the 2 youngest together is a good one, as although they are different sexes, they are closest in age, and could be occupied with similar activities. The 12 year old would probably be delighted not to be included with “the babies”, and to enjoy more age appropriate things, and he is also old enough to understand that you don’t have the space (or energy) for all of them together.

The parents make all the rules so if you don’t abide by them they get their revenge by not letting you see your DGC. You don’t have much choice really, do you?.
Someone said they thought you were ‘old school’. Skinny., Just makes me wonder!. Sounds as if your relationship with your DD is a bit tricky anyway.
I go along with the ‘one at a time’ but that won’t suit either I expect, it’s all or none I think.

We've always had ours from days old. They range in age from 12-4 and now its becoming more difficult to have them all or even the 2 little boys and the bigger two.

They all love to come individually ( which is our preference too) they love the one to one attention but it also allows us to focus on them and have activities that are suited to each childs needs.

That doesn't help the mums of course and we all acknowledge that. So we also have them in 2's or even as a 4. They squish in the available space if that happens and activites are more scheduled around what we can manage with 4 lively children rather than what they would like as individuals.

I really dislike the whole idea that they must ALL do EVERYTHING together and we keep a rota so each child ( and their Mums ) can see that no one is missed out or getting less than their 'share' .

I think your daughters husband is wrong. Its a lesson that has to be learned, not everyone gets everything at the same time.

I have been wondering how come the children’s parents think there is enough room for all three children if there isn’t?
The one child at a time idea would not work for us as our 5 year old GS needs his older brother there for reassurance and our 4 year old even more so. Our big old house is very different from their neat, modern home so I understand the hesitancy. All together, squashed in like sardines in the same room, they are fine.

There is no way I would have an unhousetrained puppy around with young children so my house my rules. ( father in law was an eye surgeon and had to deal with toxi wotsit) . I would also prefer to have the children separately and tailor the visit to the child. If you have two beds who sleeps on the floor?

Yes my 4yr old GD has started to notice when the 20yr old comes to stay,but more as her cousins (bit older then her) have stayed at mine or her own house&shes asked to stay at their house too,but they live over in another county so if she got upset at bedtime she couldnt just go straight home,)i live closer so we can start there,but yes if not take youngest 2 or have one at a time,as theyl all have individual time with you then.start with grandaughter,she'l feel "special" shes gone first.grandsons could even come 1 at a time on 1 weekend night ,if theyve gone back to school?a friday or saturday?

I don't think our kids realise how exhausted we get. But then I bet I was the same with my parents.

Yes i would have thought a 4yr old&6yr old together made more sense- then they can play together and better for bedtimes etc,then 12 yr old with bigger age gap can get a break from younger siblings and get a(bit) later bedtime or go out to do 'older 'pastimes like eat out etc or a cinema trip or something with grandparents that they may share an interest in?plus when oldest is at home surely it less for parents to do so more of a rest for them?maybe your daughter feels you favour the boys over her girl,so maybe you could suggest younger 2 together first? Then oldest alone after? He might prefer it at his age- its not definate he'l grow out of it,my eldest GC still likes to stayover sometimes at 20(they too have a 4yr old in the house)!i think he likes a break.lol.but yes id try 2 youngest together first see if 4yr old actually likes it!

This Grandparenting malarkey is a minefield. I have learned to go with the flow of the parents!

Tish, or take the two younger ones as a pair, the 12yr old is too old to grizzle about being left out. He's the more suitable one for the solo visit anyway.

You could always say you would like the boys this time and will have your granddaughter on her own the next time.

I have 8 grandchildren,different ages,i take some on hols and some come stay over at mine,but yes often they take turns- as youngest can be a handful(youngest ones now 4,5,6)not in same families,and my kids,their parents,see that it would be too much to take on little ones as well all at same time.my older GC love 'their 'turn as they get undivided attention from me,more time and more treats-(most i can manage is 2 together&my son has 3 children,youngest just 6)-my youngest GD (4)has not been to sleepover at mine yet even though she lives closest,as her mum didnt think she'd be old enough for a whole night away from them yet as shes never done so,indeed,one of my other GC came to stay over at a hotel with me and then wanted to go home when it dawned on him he was staying away from home for a night! You could give it a try but insist they come get youngest if they get upset(or you return them?)it may be proven wether its same case- child wants what older ones have,but turns out they arent yet ready??yes im sure its upsetting for littlest when other 2 go off without them,but then at least theyl see theyre not missing out,and might not even like it.Also you can show your daughter if its too much for you at once.(maybe they exhaust her too so she needs a break for 1 night?)maybe you could offer it as a 'one- off' for now for a rest for her?or youngest could have her own special sleepover first- as her first bigger girl sleepover maybe?to test the waters?And how do the older 2 feel about their parents idea?have they been consulted even?maybe they love their time at grans away from younger child,as a break for them?im sure they love her but maybe they get fed up of youngest sometimes?i know my older ones did occasionally when there was such an age gap between them,and none of mine stayed at their grans till at least 10 yrs old!yes you are "just" the grandparents,but its your house,and you make the rules for that,your treating your GC,but also,doing your daughter a good thing by taking the boys off her hands for a bit,surely you should get some credit for helping?Perhaps you could offer to stay at hers for a night while she&her hubby go to a hotel for a nights break,or to yours for a house swap if they cant afford night away- just for a rest?As for the kids maybe at yours a night you could use sleeping bags,or a bed made up of sofa cushions or something just as a one-off stay.im sure theres a way round it.Good luck.

Skinnypuppy I don't get you. Instead of taking two at a time and leaving one out each time, take ONE at a time, then two are left behind together and won't feel left out. Why go from one extreme to the other? On the other hand as some have already said, the 12yr old is going to be grown out of sleepovers with granny very soon, so then you'll just have the younger two anyway.

skinnypuppy40, I think you liked Grammaretto post because
they just agreed with your view.
I think a 4-year-old would feel left out if she was left behind what I think my self is, you come over as "old school" did you raise your daughter strictly?
I think you need to step back and let her raise her kids how she wants to, I raised my kids differently from how I was and my daughter is different again to how I brought her up, it's the way of the world I'm afraid.
You do come over as being very sharp

I agree with you on the dog situation, I hate when people insist on bringing their pets (especially untrained ones). And I say that as a complete animal lover.

But, you seem unwilling to see this from your daughters or anyone else's point of view. Have you even asked your daughter why? Have you asked if it upsets your GD? The only post you've considered 'reasonable' so far is the one which has been most similar to your view point. Other people have given you valid points to consider which could all be genunir reasons or ideas (particularly Icanhandthemback's) suggestion of asking to take the younger two, that way you only have two at a time. But you have either disagreed with or ignored. Perhaps your daughter gets her stubbornness from you?

It's not that we have no contact with Grand kids they live in the same town as us and we usually see them once a week minimum . So we may just have to come to the understanding that, there will be no more sleep overs.

Grammaretto the most reasonable response so far thank you.