All or None

The thing I don’t understand from OP’s posts (am a significantly older sister myself!!) is why the boys - at 6 and 12 - are considered a package deal, but the young ones at 4 and 6 are not.

I might be naive here, but I would personally find it easier to handle two kids of roughly the same age/stage who are likely to have similar interests and do similar activities than one infant schooler and one practically a teenager.

OP, why do the boys come together but the youngest two don’t?

Why is the granddaughter the one who has to visit alone?

What do you spend your time doing when the children stay over?

The thing I don’t understand from OP’s posts (am a significantly older sister myself!!) is why the boys - at 6 and 12 - are considered a package deal, but the young ones at 4 and 6 are not.
Yes, I wondered that too - I would think the older boy, at 12, may appreciate some time on his own away from two possibly irritating younger siblings.
A boy of six and a girl of four would probably play happily together and keep one another company.

But as we know she is not looking for enlightenment, only validation.

It can be exhausting looking after a bunch of kids especially when you are older and used to some peace and quiet
It certainly can, Grammaretto - but don't forget that some of the grans on here may be quite young in comparison to others - and in tip-top health.

And I have known young and fit mums be exhausted when they have had their DC's friends over to play!!

We love having them and they love coming here
Saying it is exhausting does not mean that a gran does not love having them to stay or that it is not an absolute joy to have them
It is just stating that: it is tiring as you get older and perhaps not so fit keeping young children happy and entertained.

I only ever had all (2!) of my grandchildren at the same time, once.
I couldn't wait for it to end! All the fighting!!

It does seem from your post that it is your SiL who is making the rules regarding you having all three children or none at all. While I can see the logic in various replies ( ie have them individually or the two younger ones together this is probably not going to to suit the SiL who appears to want some completely child free time.
While they are the parents and set their rules, you and your wife are also allowed to have a certain say in this and some rules of your own.
If you do not have the space, or even energy to have all three together it is not unreasonable to ask for some sort of compromise, otherwise they will dig their heels in and everyone will lose out all round.
I would not have agreed either to having a puppy that has,nt been house trained and messes everywhere while the parents sit on their phones and leave other people to clear up the mess.
Try and reach an agreement over the sleepovers as the grandchildren will miss you as you will miss them if things backfire.

I can see both sides but agree with cherrytree, all or one at a time. I know of a family where this happens and the little girl is very upset while her brothers are away and feels unwanted no matter how it is explained to her even though she gets extra treats and time alone with mum.

Two's company, three's a crowd!

Iam64 If your reading comprehension was anywhere near an 8 year old you would have understood it is my wife who communicates and makes arrangements I am here as a result of this. Half of these posts are quick to jump and spew vitriol and don't even have the facts right. First off I am male (yes go ahead use this against me) secondly there are 3 G kids not 4. Thirdly my wife has asked to have the two sleep overs one with the two boys and one with the GD. We respect the daughters decision , we don't agree with it and don't argue it. So where in any of this did you read that we issued any kind of ultimatum. I came here to ask for suggestions and have constantly had to defend my actions. Statements like " I think you need to step back" or " you are old school" Or I/we are the cause of the problem, certainly are not helpful, and quite mean spirited I might add.

I can only reiterate what Iam64 said skinnypuppy:

skinny puppy, if your communication style with your daughter and wife is similar to the one shown here, I wouldn't be surprised if fall outs occur. Maybe ultimatums are issued to avoid getting into a row with you

I'm not sure you did want suggestions skinnypuppy40 you seem quite entrenched in your views whatever any of us say.
Yes your post has been misread but was there any need to be quite so rude. The fact that you are male and posting on here is quite refreshing, there are not many male Gransnetters. Try looking at things from another viewpoint otherwise why did you ask the question ?

To add to my previous post. I do think also that some AC don,t always realise how tiring it can be for the grandparents and take certain things for granted. May also compare to what their own friends children have re sleepovers with grandparents and expect the same for their own.

Perhaps you could clarify something for me skinnypuppy. You say in your OP that you've had your GS's for sleepovers many times so I'm assuming they've stayed with you without your GD.

It does seem odd to me that suddenly, for your s.i.l., this previous arrangement is no longer acceptable.

IMO your s.i.l. is being unreasonable. Why can't your GD be told that she'll be coming to stay on her own, having her GP's all to herself at a later date?

I agree with you that unreasonable terms are being dictated here with the possibility that all of your GC will miss out as none will be allowed to stay, if all 3 can't come together.

Sorry that I don't have any advice. I hope you can get something sorted out.

I was going to add that sodapop - why would anyone ask for suggestions when they have such definite views?

I am not sure that any poster has made some of the remarks such as old school etc or perhaps I missed that.

The 'correct' decision is the one the parents (read, mother) make(s).
Talking about whether you agree with it or not, is a waste of breath.
Is the OP wanting our agreement re his view that his daughter is being unreasonable?
It's a non-issue if he and his wife agree (as they have) to abide by the parents wishes.

Is the 4 year old GD not starting school in September as well?

It was the OP who asked for the two grandsons to stay, not the daughter who asked the grandparents to have them.

So it’s the OP asking for a favour, not the other way about.

The daughter has said no, that doesn’t suit her. She doesn’t have to say yes to what the OP wants. She’s not asking for the favour.

I’m afraid the OPs response makes it all too clear why there are problems with his daughters family.

sodapop My apologies if I am offending anyone here. but to question my communication skill as Iam64 and a number of others have with such back handed comments like "I’m afraid the OPs response makes it all too clear why there are problems with his daughters family" As I have said I am not the one who sets these things up or communicates the criteria. I hear of this after the fact, So don't go all super Granny on me. I can see by some of the posts and posts in different topics who are the "Super Grans" ... Here is a cookie As far as I am concerned my communication skills are fine. you may not agree with them but there is little to be misinterpreted

No hope is there really.........

Eglantine nothing more to say …….

except that I have always found Iam64 to be a very kind and reasonable poster.

Eglantine21 These are precisely the type of back handed comments I was referring too. If you just want to live in an echo chamber of your watered down passive aggressive comments. I guess there is no hope. For the rest I am glad you took the time to respond to my original post even if you may or may not agree with my assessment. I appreciate your input in moving this out of the dogma into something useful.

I have no problem with talking to a man on here. It’s the way you communicate I take issue with. Do you mean to come across as rude op? Because that’s how you’re presenting yourself.

skinnypuppy It appears that rather than try to understand and accommodate your daughter's concerns and wishes, you say you are minded to stop the sleepovers entirely. You sound like a person who likes to get his own way even if it means causing unpleasantness.

You refer to a poster's opinion which echoes your own as "reasonable" and become annoyed by anyone who ventures a different view. Some might consider that you don't really want advice or opinions but merely approval of your own somewhat combative approach.

If you speak to posters in such a way, it is not surprising that they in turn will be quite forthright in voicing their own opinions.

I don't think anyone has suggested you have no option but to take the three children together. They have merely said that if it is too much for you to do so, then it might be better to consider a different arrangement such as inviting the children separately.

grandtante You are making assumptions that the little girl has thrown a "hissy fit" and then go on to refer to her as a "dear little brat". Not a very nice, or fair, way of describing a child and, in my opinion, not very helpful.

Every so often there's a thread that surprises me. This discussion comes under the AIBU heading - is this unreasonable behaviour? If this was a face-to-face discussion, would this kind of tone/language be used?
Where's all this 'Their children, their rules' bit come from? If grandparent(s) offer to host sleepovers, then as long as it's not unfair, then there has to be negotiation. End of.