Feeling used

That’s a long way Emelle! I’m only a 10 minute walk but I do the caring on my own. ?

Emelle Yes!

It would be lovely to have social time with DD instead of the quick 'hello and bye bye' during the hand overs and to clarify, we have to make a 180 mile round trip to take care for/visit the family so it requires a little more effort and planning than just calling round.

I think you’ve summed it up perfectly Madgran and I can well understand Emelle’s feelings. There have been other threads saying much the same.

I think she just wants to socialise with her daughter (and partner) for a whole few hours, not just say a quick hi at drop-off and pickup. She probably wouldn't mind too much if they relaxed while she dealt with the kids, at least they'll still be there chatting. Kids will probably run off and play anyway leaving the adults to talk

The problem is that "asking them round for dinner and taking it from there" is not really the issue!! The OP isn't querying the holiday! She isn't querying the childcare! She is feeling that whole family time is in short supply and she is feeling a bit taken for granted!! There is a good possibility that a dinner together at her house will become the grandchildren inevitably expecting the Granny/Grandpa to follow the same routines as on childcare days .....and the parents are happy to have a rest!! Now ofcourse it is possible to refuse to provide those routines, etc etc etc but in reality that creates issues to be dealt with and parents inevitably ask " oh would you mind?" to save unnecessary hoo ha ...and so on ...and basically "family time" is taken over!! Now if you haven't experienced this you will have "easy solutions" to this ..."just" this ..."just" that ...but if it happens to you then lots of other issues, dynamics, feelings come into play over time and it isn't "just" anything!!

Why would you feel used. It seem' s quite fair for them to have holidays with in-laws but children pop in and out to you frequently. Why not ask whole family around for dinner and take it from there.

Thank you MadGran77, you have summed my feelings up so well. I'm not jealous at all but would like me and OH to be included in whole family time. I will heed your wise words and be careful in any conversations I have.

Totally agree with Madgran77. I do love that mother daughter/son time. I childmind my DGD 2.5 days a week and my DD often takes time for a chat when she picks up and also invites me round if DH is away for a few days. It does make me feel that I am not just a childminder but a mother too.
I must say I would not want to go on holiday with any of my children and families for more than a long weekend. I love when they come and I love when they go again.

I mentioned to the other gran that they were lucky to be closer than us and see far more of the GC.
Oh but we get them when they're sick, she said! which was quite true because DS & DiL have full time jobs and if one of the children is unwell of a morning her mum gets a call.
Luckily we like the other sets so there is no animosity or jealousy though I get a pang occasionally when a little voice pipes up with some innocent remark about where they went with the other GPs.

Madgran77 Very well put.

I don't read the original post as jealousy! Nor as resenting the time given to the other grandparents. I don't think "just enjoy your time with your grandchildren" is a helpful response. I don't think her post is about "time with the grandchildren". I think the OPs concern is about her lack of time with her family - not just the grandchildren. I suspect she is feeling that she is only seen as good for the childcare but not worth bothering to spend time with as a family - whilst "Family time" (ie all the family together) is clearly what happens with the other grandparents.
There IS a clear difference between enjoying time with the grandchildren and spending time as a family, INCLUDING the grandchildren!!

Emelle I have real sympathy with you and know how you feel! Tread carefully in any conversations about it though!

I think you should be proud of yourself with your DD coming to you for the care of her children you are obviously well loved by your DD and her children to be given such a responsibility.

Three would be a bit much! It shoud read 'there'.

The outlaws often take our mutual DGC away to places that we certainly could not afford. The DGC say they have a nice time but have also let the cat out of the bag regarding the bad atmosphere that often prevails. We don't always hear about everything so it is wise to never assume that it is all sweetness and light because it really is not.
The outlaws also brag about all the things they have bought for the DGC but DDIL and DS roll their eyes and say quietly that quantity is no substitute for quality. Says it all really. Never compete, compare or measure because that is not what counts and jealousy can eat us up if we let it.

Good idea to suggest a family break for next year Emelle - and do keep it simple. We have done the same ourselves and it may happen and three again it may not.

Thank you to all of you who have taken the time to give me your thoughts and suggestions. It has been really useful to get a different perspective on the situation.
Just to elaborate, the other Grandparents do live much further away than us although we we have over an hours journey to visit or look after the children.
We are lucky that the GC are happy to spend so much time with us and I do think that the other Grandmother is jealous of that too. I would like to spend some time with DD because as GoldenAge said it always feels a bit frenetic when we do the hand overs. I am going to suggest a family break next year and see where that takes us.

If you do not want to look after your DGCs just say so! If you want a family holiday then say so! Maybe a long weekend somewhere pre-Christmas if arrangements for this December are already fixed so you can have your own Christmas with the DGC..maybe somewhere like Centreparcs?

Be pleased that you DGC have lots pf people who love them!

Maybe your DDs PiL are easy going and cheerful. Emelle if you are a bit grumpy every time your DD sees you because you feel 'used' she is not going to choose to spend more time with you!

Suggest a weekend away together - using the rationale that whilst you see your GC often, you'd like some of the quality time with the entire family that the other set of grandparents get - just suggest a weekend for a start and see what response you get. If it's "well we don't have time for weekends away as well as longer holidays" then take the next step and say "OK then what about we come on holiday with you for a week for a change" - holiday arrangements tend to become a bit of a routine if you don't step in and show the other side as it were - in my case, the other grandparents have a habit of turning up (joining) daughter, SIL and grandchildren during their summer and half-term holidays just for a few days but nevertheless it always happens. I discussed this with my daughter because our involvement is always school drop-offs, pick-ups etc., and while it's great to have that frequent contact with GC often its frenetic and there's no real quality time. The outcome of the discussion was the knowledge that neither she nor hubby were happy with this 'stalking' but as it was becoming routine didn't know what to do apart from go abroad. This year, they booked somewhere far too small to accommodate anybody even on a sofa bed for their summer hols but the visits occurred in the half-term. So, check with your daughter whether it's mutually determined or whether it's something she doesn't actually want - she may be unhappy about it and welcome a chat with you to let you know this.

Why are we bothering to answer the OP when she’s never come back wth her response? ?

It seems really unfair but possibly the other Grandmother is saying, "I never get to spend time with my grandchildren alone, my D-in-L is always there watching over me, I don't think she trusts me"?
I do understand though that you miss your DD and would like to spend time with the whole family.
Can you ask your DD if they would go away on holiday with you next year, or if it could be, "your turn" to have them for Christmas?
Do the other GPs live some distance and so it's not possible for them to, "pop in" as it is with you?
Sometimes, if you live very close to someone, you can have the perception that you're seeing a lot of them which is not actually true and your DD may just not have realised this.
Maybe these two times a year are all that the other GPs get to see of their family?
Talk to your DD but not with resentment and certainly don't find something else to do unless, as Bbbface says, you want to risk causing a rift.
Just say you miss spending with her and that it would be lovely if you could arrange a few days to spend with the whole family. Needn't be consecutive days if they live close by?

I have had no direct contact from my son all summer. He used to send me a spreadsheet of their arrangements, and hope I could fill in some childcare gaps, but now the youngest is too old to actually need childcare. So no spreadsheet. Just update photos on f...book and whatsap. No doubt he will tick me off for not keeping in touch but it works both ways. Not needed for the other sets of grandchildren either as they have been with each parent. The time soon goes, so make the most of it while they are little.

*Like the proverbial worm, turn, Find something pressing to do for at least part of that week and say you cannot cover all of it.*

Sure. Do this if you want to actually cause a rift.

What about a jokey “good to know I am useful / wanted for some things” conversation......

Do they always go to your DD's PIL for Christmas?

If not, what about inviting them now for the coming Christmas?

You don't say how long any of this has been going on, so it may be difficult to change, but surely there is no harm in telling your DD that you would really like them all to come for a visit sometime and ask whether Christmas, Easter, autumn mid-term would suit?

This could easily be from my son's MIL - though I hope it isn't . He and his family including 2 GC have been to us two Christmases in a row, and we've taken them on a week's holiday for the last three summers. They live a long way from us, but very near the other grandparents, and the GC spend a lot of time with their other granny, who is very generous with her time when they need childcare.

The other side of this is that they live a long way away from us, and we never see them in 'normal' life. Visiting us also helps my son to keep up with other relatives here. And the holidays came about because we simply offered to rent a house so that they could come on holiday, which they can't afford to do themselves at the moment.

I have to say, though, if you're not happy with the amount of child care you offer, and are, as you say, feeling used, you need to have a discussion about that. Because it's only going to increase as the children get older unless you place a cap on how much time time you are able to offer.