My fears confirmed.

I don't have experience of this, icanhandthemback, but I'm sure lots on here will have and will understand. Sending you in the meantime and good wishes to you and your family.

I’m so sorry you have this worry ican, it's a scary time. I suspect your son wouldn’t have listened to your fears, too hard to contemplate, easy to dismiss Mum I’m afraid. As you say lots of help out there. Many moons back I worked with families in your situation and met their delightful children. A step at a time for now, there will be opportunities for you to help but first let the support be put in place. Then you will be able to understand what is being advised and play your part when your grandson is with you. Just listen to your son and daughter in law, let them talk. Everyone’s reactions will be slightly different. Try not to worry too much, I know easier said than done. Sending good wishes to you all.

We had no idea our son was on the spectrum either. School never flagged up any problems, we knew DS was different but we're completely ignorant about ASD.
It was a friend of DD' s who himself is is on the spectrum who thought DS might be. DS was early twenties when he was diagnosed.
Whether DS would have faired better with an early diagnosis resulting in support at school we will never know. I hope it gets your DGS the support he needs. Your son has no reason to feel bad, and you shouldn't either. Just be there for the family, as I'm sure you will be.
Those with ASD can achieve so much with the right support.

My grandson will be 5 next month and his parents have suspected for some time he could be on the spectrum for Aspergers - a change of doctor confirmed it could be the case so they have the start of a 3 part assessment this coming Wed. They have paid privately for this to cut down the waiting time (in NZ) as he starts school in Oct and they want to ensure he has the correct coping strategies in place.

Like you I've had many supportive messages since I asked about it a few weeks ago which have helped allay some of the worries we've all had. Now your grandson has been officially diagnosed he will hopefully receive the help he needs as well as his parents to help cope. I'm sure life won't always be easy for any of them but they have both been diagnosed early which can only be a positive thing. Looking back I can think of several children/teenagers in my classes at school who were wrongly labelled as 'odd/badly behaved' when really they probably should have had help and support from both teachers and authorities. Back then these conditions weren't recognised.

With your love and support I'm sure your grandson and also his parent will do well in the future.

Hi OP, that’s an unusual way around. My son was diagnosed shortly after his 3rd birthday and I had grief galore frm
various relatives before and after diagnosis. One grandmother would not really accept it for years.

Because you are onboard already you can be a great support - just carry on caring for him and loving him. Caring for him can be particularly helpful. My mum helped me with hands on childcare until my son was 15/16 when he became a big mich for her (but she’d still have his siblings).

Have a great nephew who is now 22 has a job and a lovely friendly lad his secondary school was amazing the special needs department were 100% there help and support to my niece and her h was great.
When he was very young it was very difficult to come to terms with but the help from primary school and secondary school his parents he has done really well.

My son has Aspergers - not diagnosed until he was 14.
He was an odd little boy, late developing speech patterns, yet miles ahead in things like drawing and spatial awareness.
We were told he was ‘backward’, tho’ nothing much was done to find out why.
At 15 he suddenly blossomed, went on to get three good A levels, successfully gained an Hons degree in Design and Illustration, and now heads an international design team.
In his own words: “I know I’m a bit weird, Ma, but that’s ok ‘cos I’m an artist!”
Now 41, he is rather eccentric, but lovably so, and all his friends and colleagues seem to adore him.
Don’t give up hope - the early years can be difficult, but many successful people have lived with Aspergers.

My GD gradually lost her hearing and didn’t develop speech and I couldn’t bring myself to approach my DiL who always knows best. Fortunately it dawned on them and the issue was resolved. Don’t blame yourself, icanhandthemback, my sister wouldn’t listen to her husband when he said their son should be tested for Aspergers.

It is always easy to be wise with hindsight. It is easy for your son to say, now, 'you should have sat me down and spelled it out in words of one syllable', but, if the diagnosis was such a shock because he and his wife had no idea that might be be possible, and you had dropped hints before which he had failed to pick up, then I think that to have sat and talked about you fears so openly when he had no idea there was anything not quite right with his son would have gone down like a lead balloon and could have damaged your relationship with him and his wife.

My prediction is that in times to come, they are going to find that autism is a group of completely separate syndromes and not a spectrum/continuum at all. For example at the severe end, there is usually general mental disability with brain damage, and I'd have said the autism was just one of the many areas the brain was damaged in. I also heard a case where a mid-spectrum autist was totally cured and became socially normal, and I'd think that his autistic behaviour could have been a psychiatric problem. Just speculation on my part, no disrespect intended to the people here who are coping with autism in the family

There is autism and there is autism. To what degree it affects and will in future affect your GS, will no doubt be relayed to the parents in due course and become apparent over the years to come.
I'm sure that support for the parents and plenty of information will be on hand, now that we know much more about this condition.
Keep calm and all will be well.

Please don't worry about him, and enjoy his little idiosyncrasies.
I have a grandson who is 8 now. He didn't speak until he was over 3. He is able to communicate now albeit rather stilted. He has speech therapy which is helping. He is the most delightful, interesting boy. He has a passion for all things electronic and mechanical, and loves to know how they work.
There is lots of help for autism now, enjoy your boy. He will turn into his own person, and you will find him so very interesting and loveable.

Don't forget many of these children have special skills and talents which enable them to see the world in a different way to a greater or lesser degree. Many go on to achieve in areas we 'normals' can only dream about.

And nothing wrong with being a bit weird. Many of my friends are so and they add interest to life, and extra colour.

My grandson had very little speech until he was 3. We were worried about autism as he also had extreme tantrums, some ocd behaviour and in general a bit difficult. He's speech came on at Nursery and he was put under portage. Very worrying time. Never diagnosed, but still having problems. We suspect ADHD. I could see the problems quite early on, but his parents were in denial. Thought I was worrying over nothing. So much support out there now. As others have said - you are already on board with the diagnosis and will be a great help. You couldn't have done more.

It's surely not your fault that your DS dismissed your concerns. It sounds to me like he buried his head in the sand and chose not to connect the dots.

I dare say your son didn’t bury his head in the sand at all, more a case of the rest of the world was out of step with his perfect son! Don’t forget that nowadays Einstein would have been diagnosed with Asperger!

As long as you didn't say "I told you so" that's just fine.

icanhandthemback I confess I haven't had time to read other people's replies yet, sorry. This is just my first reaction and quick reply.

It is wonderful that the diagnosis is made so early now. So much will be done, especially to help the little chap's social development. Having the diagnosis is a good thing. try and be positive.

I feel so much for you regarding your DS. Give him time to get used to what is for him a new situation and a different picture of who he thought his son was. He may experience something akin to mourning the loss of the son he imagined. However, I adore Autistic people and their parents always adore their Autistic children. Your son will come round and will love his son very much and be extremely proud of him.
Stick by your son, he is confused and probably angry too and we know that our children vent their anger on us because they feel safe to do so, I doubt that he is actually angry with you. You did your best. It's what mums do. Just take it until he recovers.
The National Autistic Society, will give him and all of you a lot of support so get in touch as soon as possible.
www.autism.org.uk
Your grandson is an amazing little man! He will grow into an amazing big man and all his family will adore him. Fear not!
With love. L?

ReadyMeals I must be quick - sorry!
That's a very good observation. Autism is one of the most researched conditions that people have, greatly out of proportion to the number of people diagnosed with it compared to other conditions. Often it is accompanied by other conditions. Also some developmental problems can mimic Autism. The children in the huge Orphanages in Romania under Ceausescu’s regime, were left in cots, under stimulated with hardly any human contact. They developed Autistic-like behaviour. Proper care and a careful program of stimulation brought them back to being like children from normal upbringings.
Autism varies with each person as much as a non Autistic people vary in personality from each other. Sometimes people forget that. Early intervention makes Autistic people hard to recognise but it is important that they get support and understanding because, apart from anything else, they can feel high levels of anxiety.

I have worked in special needs departments of a number of schools and was sent on a training course about autism some years ago. All through the section on aspergers I kept thinking "That's my son." I flagged it up with his school but they didn't do anything and he's never been diagnosed although I'm still convinced he has the condition mildly. Children are affected in so many different ways and there is plenty support out there especially for those greatly affected. Many of my son's difficulties sorted themselves out as he got older because he is very bright and learnt how to behave socially which was his main difficulty. He found it very difficult to make friends until he was late on in secondary school and only really 'blossomed' at university. Some of the students I have worked with don't find making friends easy and some simply prefer their own company.
This week my son will be handing in his thesis for his PhD, has been married for a year and has lots of good friends. Everyone is an individual and with the right help and a supportive family I'm sure he will be fine.

Please tell your son, and others, that it is not at all 'stupid' not to recognise developmental disorders in one's own children. The idea that parents 'know their own children best' means they are very aware of when a child is ill, but not always aware that their child has delayed (or different) development.
Indeed, I often think it is the parents who are most 'tuned in' to their children who don't recognise how 'different' they are to other kids!
You (and others) didn't say too much because of course you might have been wrong, and didn't want to pre-empt a proper assessment. And this is a diagnosis that cannot be made too early because you have to wait to see if some behaviour is just a normal development phase.
So it seems to me that everyone has behaved normally and properly.

Slightly off topic. DD2 and SiL adopted little boy of 4. He had been in care after an abusive original home. DD2 is a psychoyherapist and gave up her job so that she could give our DGS all help he needs. He has attachment issues the symptoms of which are akin to Autism. He is now 8 and although not 'top brick off the chimney' at school , socially he is becoming very good - even got an award for being a good role model at end of last Term!School have been superb!

Thank you for your kind words. The only time I have cried is when my son cried because I know he is so gutted. My son had his own difficulties when he was young as he was Dyspraxic, easily distracted and brilliant at avoiding school work without the teacher noticing. Compared to his siblings, he has always felt dramatically behind although he is extremely intelligent, holding down a good job, etc. It's just that his siblings were extremely quick to achieve everything. The difference? They are not tenacious about anything they find difficult whereas he has learned to be. Consequently, I know he will rise to the occasion but right now he feels a failure although each day I see him, he is more positive.
His wife remains in denial and I suspect she will be a bit more obstructive but I know he will always be encouraging her to do what is best for the child. In the past I have heard him respond to, "Well, it was good enough for me as a child," with a gentle, "Well we don't want good enough for our boy, we want to make him the best person he can be and even better than us."
At the moment his wife is having another one of her, "It's not fair I haven't got my mum to talk to," (her Mum died when DGS was 3 months old) so she will avoid me at the moment. This will eventually pass and we will then start to pull together again.

Tell your son not to worry Ican it's hard for the immediate family to see these things because they are there all the time. It can be more obvious to others that something isn't right. My mother didn't realise my grandmother had had several mini strokes till it was pointed out by an acquaintance.
I love spending time with my ASD grandson. I love his way of looking at things.