Two wrongs.

As others have said, you don’t need to ‘keep turning the other cheek’. You don’t need to give up on the friendship completely, if you don’t want to, just be less available, don’t ring her, you can let her contact you and meet with other people, perhaps less frequently.

One friend of mine, who could be fun, was nevertheless EXTREMELY unreliable about everything, especially meeting me at the time we had agreed on. So I eventually decided that we would always meet at my house, or somewhere else when we were with mutual friends, so it didn’t matter if she was late or didn’t turn up. Much less stress for me and it was really her choice to either be late, on time or not turn up! Made everything much easier, and I could still enjoy her company occasionally but on my terms. ?

Sorry I think I may have posted on someone else's thread. Apologies

That WILL question again.

Battling a serious illness, which hopefully I am winning of course brings my mind back to the question of my will.

I do have a will, but I think it may be best to adjust it. The problem is my 2 sons, who unfortunately both have addictions. I feel not only will my hard earned money be wasted, but it will help them into an early grave.

The eldest son who is nearly 40 is a little more responsible and keeps a nice home, but the younger boy in his twenties lives in absolute squalor. Both have "Conditions", which the younger one was diagnosed with at 7, but the elder never diagnosed.

Elder son is very helpful and does my odd jobs for me, but his addictions I feel are now out of control. Neither will get help with addictions, or other issues. Both caused me lots of worry, but I am totally out of my depth, and in fact find it extremely difficult to be in younger son's company for very long. Addictions apparently are quite common with people who have these conditions.

I would like to leave them something, but I keep putting off making a new will because in a perfect world I would have liked to have left my beneficiaries all equal amounts, and my thoughts are that other family members could put the money to good use.

So depressing and upsetting.

Take her off your Christmas card list!!!

You cannot change this person, why should she bother to change if she gets away with her behaviour? Just say ' goodbye'

I think I would say "goodbye".

Why would you want to examine her attitude?
It's obviously not going to change so why waste your time...unless you like wasting time on fruitless pursuits.

Sometimes you just have to accept that friendships come to a natural end, harder when it's someone you've known and loved.
I have a friendship that is coming to the end after 30 years of a very close relationship. In the last two or three years I became increasingly aware that she had a very passive negative attitude and our friendship was all on her terms. We haven't spoken or met for the last 2-3 months. I 'caved' at the beginning is September and sent her a text asking if she wanted to meet up, she agreed then I heard nothing further.
It is hard to walk away but sometimes there is no choice but to let them go. If it's a family connection then maintaing a casual polite relationship, meeting only at joint gatherings is all that's required. Negative friendships rarely last.

If it is possible, I would suggest only seeing her with others around. Ignore rude comments unless you can see a way to gently laugh at them. If you need to give an explanation for withdrawing from her company, you could say that as you get older you no longer have the time and patience to do things/ be with people in a situation that gives you no pleasure. If you currently help out with grandchildren etc no need to stop, just avoid being with her and if she makes a hurtful remark just ignore it and walk away or change the subject. If/When she being nice you can spend time with her. I think she will get the message eventually.

Two wrongs don't make a right but standing up for yourself or calling out someone's bad behaviour is NOT a wrong!

Thanks for this gmelon ' - a subject that's very much on my mind today!
Unfortunately it's my daughter (who has alienated her sister, her own two daughters and very nearly her brother).
I'm teetering on the brink!

Lots of helpful replies, thank you.

Well, it is very different if she is a family member as I know because I have one of those too! Sometimes the only thing you can change is yourself and your reaction. If all else fails keep a good distance!

I suppose it will be awkward to not see her at all if she's a family member. Why not try having as little as possible to do with her? Be polite and nothing more.

There is more dignity in not rising to her remarks. Try to ignore her unpleasantness and stick to neutral topics.

I've done this sort of thing before and it has worked for me.

Good luck!

Gmelon The only response I can come up with that conveys what you feel without turning it into a fight is, "So you think it is OK for you to be hurtful to me but not OK for me to react? You preach at me for being upset when you hurt me?"

Cutting the conversation short next time she says something hurtful and going away to do something else might help.

gmelon I know you cant walk away but put some distance between you and save yourself this distress. She won't change.

It's more difficult if she is a family member gmelon you probably can't just walk away.
I agree with Oldwoman friendship should be a two way thing and this is not. If you don't want a confrontation then it's probably best to reduce contact and grit your teeth.

I also have an old friend who has lately become irascible and rude. It can't be the menopause. Too late for that. Others find her difficult too.
I know I can't retort because that makes it worse and she will always want the last word.
She's a kind person and generous but once she gets something into her head she can't let it go. It's often a perceived wrong. She likes everyone to know how hard her life is and how she never takes holidays. She's retired but does a lot of voluntary work. (a clue in the name?) she seems to think we should all be a martyr like her. It makes me quite cross and I have less to do with her now.

*There was love there.
Not their.

She's a family member, although not my AC, I have sons, no daughter.

I've been patient because their was love there.

I know she's misusing the quotes, many do it, it seems commonplace to do so nowadays.

Morethan2 I'm not new, I'm a sort of "fits and bursts" poster. Though I'm always keeping an eye on you all

Only questions I am afraid!
She has to want to change before she even attempts to change so if you have been patient for years and it hasn't happened yet how long are you prepared to continue?
Do you feel that as her possible enabler that you are now feeling included in the bad behaviour?
Why do you need a retort?
Why are you accepting that she even understands the proverbs she is clearly misusing?
Do you want to continue like this for all your days?
Do you have a good friend or any other friends?
Is there some reason that you need her?
Have you answered your own question, "why bother?" ?

Friendship is a two way thing. I also had a "friend" who I supported through many things, who would ring me whenever she had a problem and I would sort it out for her, yet she would continually let me down, borrow money which was never repaid etc. When I was rushed to hospital she didn't even send a card or ring never mind visit. It was the final straw so I decided to cut her out of my life and I am now so relieved not to have to deal with her. Walk away.

Hi gmelon don’t worry about putting things in the wrong place, and welcome if your new, if your not sorry I haven’t noticed you before. I know it’s really hard to give up on old friendships so before you give up on this person completely could you see her less then maybe she’ll get the message. Then if things improve that’s great if not just let the friendship peter out. Sad I know, but life too short to be with people who make you go. Grrrrrrr.

I'd like to somehow make sense of her attitude. I'm so perplexed at her lack of understanding of fairness.