Gransnet forums


Two wrongs.

(55 Posts)
gmelon Thu 20-Sep-18 07:58:59

I am infuriated that I don't have an answer to a person who says this in defence of their own bad behaviour.
What is a good retort?
I've started to pull away from this person and now she is complaining that I should put up with her and not react to her behaviour because "Two wrongs don't make a right".
There is also "an eye for an eye makes everyone blind" thrown in too.
Apparently I should be saintly in the face of her repeated "don't care" attitude.
What do I say to someone who I have had endless patience with for years. I'm afraid that I now just think 'why bother".

TwiceAsNice Thu 20-Sep-18 08:10:26

I think I would be saying if she's knows she's doing wrong why is she doing it in the first place? Also she can do what she likes but you don't have to put up with it. Friendship is a two way thing not one person always bending to another. Not much of a friendship from where I'm sitting.

OldMeg Thu 20-Sep-18 08:10:43

gmelon if you’re constantly on the defensive with someone who has neither the tact nor the wherewithal to stop throwing hackneyed old proverbs at you then I too wouldn’t bother with them..

You ask ‘what do I say’ to them? I’d say absolutely nothing. Just turn, walk away and leave them. And don’t seek out their company again.

kittylester Thu 20-Sep-18 08:16:23

I think I'd not say anything at all ever again.

gmelon Thu 20-Sep-18 08:24:44

Apologies for posting in the wrong section. Not a grandparenting issue.

gmelon Thu 20-Sep-18 08:27:10

I'd like to somehow make sense of her attitude. I'm so perplexed at her lack of understanding of fairness.

morethan2 Thu 20-Sep-18 08:32:18

Hi gmelon don’t worry about putting things in the wrong place, and welcome if your new, if your not sorry I haven’t noticed you before. I know it’s really hard to give up on old friendships so before you give up on this person completely could you see her less then maybe she’ll get the message. Then if things improve that’s great if not just let the friendship peter out. Sad I know, but life too short to be with people who make you go. Grrrrrrr.

Oldwoman70 Thu 20-Sep-18 08:32:51

Friendship is a two way thing. I also had a "friend" who I supported through many things, who would ring me whenever she had a problem and I would sort it out for her, yet she would continually let me down, borrow money which was never repaid etc. When I was rushed to hospital she didn't even send a card or ring never mind visit. It was the final straw so I decided to cut her out of my life and I am now so relieved not to have to deal with her. Walk away.

Synonymous Thu 20-Sep-18 08:33:57

Only questions I am afraid!
She has to want to change before she even attempts to change so if you have been patient for years and it hasn't happened yet how long are you prepared to continue?
Do you feel that as her possible enabler that you are now feeling included in the bad behaviour?
Why do you need a retort?
Why are you accepting that she even understands the proverbs she is clearly misusing?
Do you want to continue like this for all your days?
Do you have a good friend or any other friends?
Is there some reason that you need her?
Have you answered your own question, "why bother?" ?

gmelon Thu 20-Sep-18 08:36:01

Morethan2 I'm not new, I'm a sort of "fits and bursts" poster. Though I'm always keeping an eye on you all grin

gmelon Thu 20-Sep-18 08:42:13

She's a family member, although not my AC, I have sons, no daughter.

I've been patient because their was love there.

I know she's misusing the quotes, many do it, it seems commonplace to do so nowadays.

gmelon Thu 20-Sep-18 08:42:59

*There was love there.
Not their.

Grammaretto Thu 20-Sep-18 08:47:25

I also have an old friend who has lately become irascible and rude. It can't be the menopause. Too late for that. Others find her difficult too.
I know I can't retort because that makes it worse and she will always want the last word.
She's a kind person and generous but once she gets something into her head she can't let it go. It's often a perceived wrong. She likes everyone to know how hard her life is and how she never takes holidays. She's retired but does a lot of voluntary work. (a clue in the name😉) she seems to think we should all be a martyr like her. It makes me quite cross and I have less to do with her now.

sodapop Thu 20-Sep-18 08:58:27

It's more difficult if she is a family member gmelon you probably can't just walk away.
I agree with Oldwoman friendship should be a two way thing and this is not. If you don't want a confrontation then it's probably best to reduce contact and grit your teeth.

Teetime Thu 20-Sep-18 09:04:08

gmelon I know you cant walk away but put some distance between you and save yourself this distress. She won't change.

Elegran Thu 20-Sep-18 09:37:43

Gmelon The only response I can come up with that conveys what you feel without turning it into a fight is, "So you think it is OK for you to be hurtful to me but not OK for me to react? You preach at me for being upset when you hurt me?"

Cutting the conversation short next time she says something hurtful and going away to do something else might help.

Melanieeastanglia Thu 20-Sep-18 09:41:57

I suppose it will be awkward to not see her at all if she's a family member. Why not try having as little as possible to do with her? Be polite and nothing more.

There is more dignity in not rising to her remarks. Try to ignore her unpleasantness and stick to neutral topics.

I've done this sort of thing before and it has worked for me.

Good luck!

Synonymous Thu 20-Sep-18 10:54:12

Well, it is very different if she is a family member as I know because I have one of those too! hmm Sometimes the only thing you can change is yourself and your reaction. If all else fails keep a good distance!

gmelon Thu 20-Sep-18 10:55:13

Lots of helpful replies, thank you.

mcem Thu 20-Sep-18 11:55:29

Thanks for this gmelon ' - a subject that's very much on my mind today!
Unfortunately it's my daughter (who has alienated her sister, her own two daughters and very nearly her brother).
I'm teetering on the brink!

sarahcyn Thu 20-Sep-18 12:10:08

Two wrongs don't make a right but standing up for yourself or calling out someone's bad behaviour is NOT a wrong!

starbird Thu 20-Sep-18 12:21:15

If it is possible, I would suggest only seeing her with others around. Ignore rude comments unless you can see a way to gently laugh at them. If you need to give an explanation for withdrawing from her company, you could say that as you get older you no longer have the time and patience to do things/ be with people in a situation that gives you no pleasure. If you currently help out with grandchildren etc no need to stop, just avoid being with her and if she makes a hurtful remark just ignore it and walk away or change the subject. If/When she being nice you can spend time with her. I think she will get the message eventually.

Jayelld Thu 20-Sep-18 12:22:41

Sometimes you just have to accept that friendships come to a natural end, harder when it's someone you've known and loved.
I have a friendship that is coming to the end after 30 years of a very close relationship. In the last two or three years I became increasingly aware that she had a very passive negative attitude and our friendship was all on her terms. We haven't spoken or met for the last 2-3 months. I 'caved' at the beginning is September and sent her a text asking if she wanted to meet up, she agreed then I heard nothing further.
It is hard to walk away but sometimes there is no choice but to let them go. If it's a family connection then maintaing a casual polite relationship, meeting only at joint gatherings is all that's required. Negative friendships rarely last.

GabriellaG Thu 20-Sep-18 12:33:29

Why would you want to examine her attitude?
It's obviously not going to change so why waste your time...unless you like wasting time on fruitless pursuits.

Shortlegs Thu 20-Sep-18 12:39:06

I think I would say "goodbye".