Two wrongs.

Unfortunately I think most families have that sort of person in them. I agree with some of the above comments - try not to be alone with this person, remain your usual self and stop wasting any more mental / emotional energy on them.

Gmelon, I don't think this is about "two wrongs" or "an eye for an eye." It's about protecting yourself. Since this person is a family member, as another poster said, you might not be able to go fully nc (no contact). But you can go lc (low contact) or vlc, and I highly recommend it in this situation. In fact, I suggest making up your mind to only see this person on those family events that she's invited to, and not inviting her to any you host, if that's possible. Also, if you run into her at such events, you only need to say a polite, "Hello" and move on. You don't need to engage in conversation with her. If she comes over to you and starts complaining about your behavior, change the subject or walk away. If she calls, emails, etc. with her gripes, just ignore them. Please don't give much thought to what she has to say because she is just trying to guilt-trip you back into her web (so to speak) so she can go on doing more of her bad behavior. Let go.

Oh dear - I ahd who I thought was a good friend - she was really quite poor and so was I but she used to help me out and I her. She didn't have any transport but she paid to be added to my insurance so that she could run me to hospital appts etc but she could also use my car to do her shopping etc ... one morning at 7am I was waiting for her to come and drive me to the station as I had to get to a hospital appt in London - nothing - I was calling her on her phone she wasn't answering and eventually threw stones at her window. she came to the window eventually and shouted down, I can't do it and shut the window! So we had to drive like the clappers to the train and try and park too! Seems she had traded me in for an old Volvo someone had given her! Lovely woman .......!

On another note, am being abused by my DD, although she doesn't see it like that - too late to go into it all now but I am permanently on edge around her and to be honest just don't want to be around her anymore - sad ....

Yep agree, if you know it’s bad behaviour don’t do it. If you acknowledge it’s bad behaviour accept being dropped

Thank you mumofmadboys for your response. I am going to seek legal advice regards setting up trusts. Many thanks

Sorry to hear that many if you are in similar positions. Wishing you the best with your situations.

Thank you all so much. I am seeing things clearer . Very helpful advice.

Once someone starts behaving like that - family or or friend - I start to put distance between us.

I remain polite, but that is all. I was told recently that I put others before myself far too much, which is true. So not wanting to get stressed or resentful, I am now backing away to a distance to which I feel comfortable.

?

Yorkshiregirl. I don't know if you have now posted your will question on another thread. But could you leave your money in a trust for your sons which would pay them a monthly amount to avoid them wasting a single large payout.

This may be difficult but effective. Simply change your own reaction to her behaviour. This might be something quite minor but the suprise the other person gets when you behave in a different way to what is anticipated is often enough to change the dynamic. Good luck. If this doesn’t work I’d be inclined to walk away, however only you can make that decision.

Exactly! Why would you bother with someone for whom you are either an audience for her bad behaviour and sanctimonious platitudes or a target for her poisoned arrows. You don't need a smart retort you just need to leave the so called 'friendship'. Do it quietly as you will never have the last word with someone like that.

Friendship is a two way relationship which should be positive in outcome for both parties.
definition
a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations.

She is not a friend and seems to me to be a bully. Don't put up with it.

I wouldn't reply to that at all: it's goady.

You wont gain any insight from going down that rabbit hole

gmelon So sorry this is a relative, that's more awkward. Can you, despite inward frustration and even rage, look outwardly rather benign and faintly as if you haven't really been listening? I try, when I remember, to put on my Queen Mother smile and look serene and also I just give up talking. When politeness requires a response, try a rather old fashioned "yes dear" reminiscent of a slightly fey but kindly aunt. Basically you're just opting out but with a sweet smile. It makes me feel superior! Tut tut.

Your enabling her by staying in the drama of this behaviour of hers. She isn't a friend either. Friends don't do this.

I would stop all contact and not buy into the up the anti drama she tries.

If you really want to say something here's one of my stock phrases "JADE = don't Justify Argue Defend or Explain.

She has power over you because you allow it. Take the power back

Any relationship should be built on mutual respect, giving it as much as receiving it ... if you are not getting it, then why give it ? Just not worth the anguish these sort of people create and life’s just too short .....

If your thoughts are Why bother Don't bother you can only put up with so much

Sounds like hard work. You don't need it, so give the big 'E' unless you somehow like this bully.

My gut response follows your thread 'why bother' - however having taken a breath and thought........is she ill, how long has this behavioural change gone on? Is anyone else noticed / been subject to this pattern? I am just thinking of conditions that can manifest with behaviour changes........

Walk away and say nothing. My sister, with great sadness, finally walked away from a childhood friend, because the friendship had become nothing but complaints and demands from the 'friend', who couldn't see the problem.

Tell her you don’t care for her don’t care attitude and see as little as possible of her as you can.

Hello gmelon. I fear there are some ladies who should be called 'Mimi', as this is all they ever think of. I really would not bother to contact her, respond to her or indeed waste any thoughts or energy on this person at all. She knows perfectly well that she is upsetting and annoying you, and where in any kind of behavioural handbook is there is a section that says some people can keep on handing it out and the others just have to take it and smile. I feel really annoyed that she can say to you, quite blatantly, that you should tolerate her behaviour, as this shows that she clearly knows exactly what she is doing. I had a person in my life for about twenty odd years who was great fun - at times - but unreliable, and often extremely demanding. At a time of great stress for me, when some kind understanding would have helped enormously, I came to realise that the relationship was a one way street, and that I didn't need to take any more. I have never missed that 'friendship' as I know now how false it was and what a liability it had become.

I had a 'friend' who was always criticising me. My clothes, my diet, etc. She drained me and my life.
When she started criticising my husband I could take no more. I cut off all communication with her and feel a lot better now.
It is difficult with a family member, but you might be surprised how many other people find her difficult too.
For your own sake stop seeing her. She takes up too much of your thoughts.

As she is a family member you may feel a "last goodbye" isn't possible as that was my first thought along with many here.

However, when I've been in situations like this I have taken the view and have said - people can behaviour however they wish, as badly as they wish. BUT - NOT in My Life Space and Not towards Me.

Working on that premise I have said 'I will not continue seeing you when I don't have to because you know you are behaving badly and that is abusive towards me (and may be others if appropriate). Just to clarify, if someone knows their behaviour is causing others harm/distress and they acknowledge it then Demand others accept their bad behaviour it is a form of abuse.

Therefore, may be think of something along the lines of "If you do not wish to change your behaviour and you don't have to, I will remove myself/ keep myself safe from your behaviour as much as possible by having less contact with you".

Or you could go for a really direct challenge and ask her 'What pleasure she gets from being an abuser?' She's likely to says she's not being abusive but you can stick with - yes you really are. And you are Demanding I/others put up with your bad behaviour rather than taking control of yourself."

It's sad that so often we find ourselves in a situation where someone is behaving badly and they either won't accept they are behaving badly or they don't want to change. In those situation we have to accept that one person can not change another person but we do not have to keep ourselves in their line of fire so to speak.

Good Luck and I hope with the suggestions here that you find a way to keep yourself safe and limit her ability to behave badly towards you.