Tips for dealing with distance?

Our only son lives in California with his wife and our two grandsons, our relationship has always been very close and we see them twice each year but as they get a little older, 8 and 5, we are finding that after the initial excitement we share less and less commonality. Any ideas how we can find that closeness again, we love our grandsons so much but tend to stand back so as not to over power them. It’s difficult.

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It's heartbreaking at times. I get really envious when I see grans out with their GC's. However, I play lots of games with mine on Facetime. I have bought glove puppets, finger puppets (I sent some to my DD as well). Time differences make things difficult. Fortunately we have bi weekly visits and have seem them develop and grow. Doesn't make up for a cuddle though and can't wait for flights to be up and running so I can see them. I have a GC who will be one soon whom I haven't met and another who is 4 who I haven't seen in 18 months..

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Hi, it's so nice to read all the posts here. Reminds me of my maternal grandmother who came regularly to visit us ever since we were very young . As she aged, her memory started failing and she hated that. She would write out reminders for herself all over the house, around her mirror and even in the car. She made sure she remembered our birthdays. Over time as technology advanced, she learnt to use new age devices and soon downloaded apps to help her. From notes over her mirror she moved to Cram, digital flashcards which she introduced us to. She's an amazing woman, who has never shied away from trying new things and always encouraged us to be that way too. I hope we can age as gracefully and smartly as she has.

I have grandchildren in 3 states so I travel between them so when I'm with each family I take loads of pictures of me with them, especially holidays and birthdays. For Christmas I go to Walmart and have a book made of the best photos with little something said underneath each set of photos of either something cute they said or did or something special that they will remember about that day or event or place. Their parents bring out the book quite often and laugh, talk or ask questions about each picture to help keep the last year fresh so when we Skype they know us instantly or when we fly or drive to visit grandma and grandpa are very much a part of their every day lives. I've also had Walmarts woven blanket made with our pictures on them so when they miss us they just curl up in the blanket to be close to us. it works!

Dear Summersky, I really empathise with you. My only GC (my daughter cannot have any more children) is now of school age and lives 300 miles away in the area where my SIL works, grew up and where he still has many friends as well as his parents. This means that the other grandparents are the baby sitters, are the ones to be called on in a crisis, and the ones who provide the 'second home'
to help out my daughter/SIL when they go away for the weekend for a special occasion.

I have a good relationship with my daughter. She brings my GC over for several days twice a year - and we go to theirs for Christmas as SIL does not want to travel (though we always have to share Christmas with the other grandparents). However, it is still hurtful that I have in six years only looked after GC on my own for a total of three hours.

I have considered things carefully, but do not on balance think it would be a good idea at this stage to leave my life here where I am active and involved in the community and have good friends. Also, GC does really love our area, (where there is a lot going on for children) as well as coming to visit us! and is old enough to look forward to visits now. So things are a little bit easier. I do go to visit my daughter and family when they have a window in their diary - but I still grieve very much that I have missed out on GC's babyhood.

I do understand how you feel - though it is early days for you, and maybe you can talk about your worries to your family ahead of time, so you can sort out an arrangement that suits you all.

A very nice young couple with small children have recently moved to our area for work reasons. They are now hundreds of miles away from their own parents. Without wishing to step on anyone else's toes, have tentatively offered a bit of help and practical support from time to time - which so far has been gratefully received. Early days yet - but it is nice to feel useful, even though they are not my grandchildren!

Q. Has anyone else done the same? and has that worked for them?

Our DC were all born overseas before the advent of Skype, Facetime etc and we didn't seem to have aproblem with relationships! Talk to your DC about the DGC and how they can keep you in their minds. Yes, they may be a bit shy when you're there in person but, as you say, they warm up as they get used to you - most young children are like that with adults they don't see often so don't worry!

Hi all, I’m new to the group, wanted to say hi.

I’m a new grandma to an 11week old granddaughter and live in a separate state to my son and daughter-in law.
I have seen my granddaughter when she was first home from hospital and it was wonderful to spend a couple of days with them! I don’t seem to be able to encourage regular communication I get to see a lot of activity/photos via Facebook posts my daughter in law posts. I can’t help but feel a tad jealous of the other grandparents as they moved state (retired) to be near them. I am not able to do this as I can’t afford to retire! Maybe this group will be compassionate when I feel this way as my own family tell me “ she is so young, don’t worry” but for me I LOVE the baby stage and really miss being able to cuddle her.

Thanks for listening
Xxx

When mine were little and living 1,000km away I used to Skype at mealtimes. My daughter would put the laptop on the dinner table and I'd chat while they ate. At least they'd be sitting still, and happy to talk . As they get older it gets easier too.

We have recently moved to Spain so have become far away grandparents, but if it makes you feel any better, even when I lived round the corner from my grandchildren , I hardly saw them in the end. Mums work, older grandchildren work, then they have their own lives , meeting pals/boyfriends/girlfriends. After school clubs. Both my daughters have been married twice so the kids spend days/weekends/holidays with dads and that side of the family. So grandparents end up at the end of this ever growing list. But hopefully, when they come over for a holiday we will get some real quality time together. And the Skyping/FaceTime thing can be a disaster. Youngest grandson just wants to press the buttons on mums phone to make our faces look funny, then mum is talking/answering kids when I am trying to talk to her. I find using messenger to talk to them or writing to them ok and am doing a blog on our new life so they can read it and see the photos.

My son and family (2 very young children) lived in Hong Kong for 3 years. We would only meet up twice a year. It was very hit and miss whether the children were communicative sometimes it was brilliant other times less so. This year they have been in the Netherlands so have seen quite a lot of them this year. This will change again next year when they go to the U.S. so I will feel sad all over again. A great help has been having a new grandaughter living in the same town as we do! Always use FaceTime rather than Skype which we found hopeless.

My DGC live in Australia, but we already have an excellent relationship with the 4 year old, and hope the twins will follow suit. I have to say that a lot of it is down to DD and SiL as they make sure they talk about us a lot, and send us videos and pictures via WhatsApp. We have visited as much as possible and they always make us welcome and let us spend time alone with the little ones. They visit us every 18 months or so, sometimes at Christmas and sometimes in our summer. I make photobooks of things we do when we see them, so the children can be reminded of visits and outings we have together. We do read stories over Skype, and find that works best one to one, just with the 4 yr old so far! She sits in her bed with the ipad and her copy of the book, and DD and SiL go away and cook their supper! We also send postcards and little gifts from time to time. In fact friends reckon we spend more time with our grandchildren over a year than they do, as when we are with them its 24/7 whereas mostly they see them for a day a week or just Sunday lunch. We have had to work at it but have been lucky so far, good luck OP.

I Skype with my DD and SIL in Australia, and my 19 month old GD flits in and out of the picture. I usually get a "Hi" and a goodbye wave. I hope that, as she gets older, she will take more interest. After all, she has only seen me a few times in her little life, so why should she be interested in me?
The day-care centre she attend puts up a daily bulletin, with pictures of their activities, and the occasional video. My daughter also posts quite a lot of pictures of family activities.
I have learned to appreciate the contact that I have, and look forward to seeing them all again next year (all being well!) Imagine what it must have been like when the only contact was by post! Thank Heavens for modern technology.

I think that, the older the children get, the more they will remember you.

If the parents can fit up the video conferencing screen on a large monitor or smart TV in the room where the children actually play, you can watch them play and they can occasionally yell "look gran!" like they would if you were in the room, and your face will be big so they can see you from across the room. It will feel more fluid and natural and you can chat to the parents at the same time

I don’t see very much of my grandchildren, they all live at the opposite end of the country from me. If they need me to babysit, I’m on the train right away.
I had a conversation with my sil when his first child was born. I know I would always be “other granny” as his mum lived in the same town. If he wanted me to be included in the family he and my daughter would have to work on my behalf. Talking about me, showing pictures etc.
I now have a fabulous relationship with my grandchildren and when their parents want to go away without the children, his mums not keen on overnights, I’m there!
I’m always greeted as a friend.
I regularly thank them, especially sil for the work they do on my behalf.

We have two Grandchildren in Australia and are very lucky as our son whatsapp's frequently. Try setting up WhatsApp or FaceTime if you have iPhones and just call frequently but briefly. Son does the same thing, so sometimes we watch them and chat while they are in the bath, or in the morning while they breakfast when we call last thing at night. If its short its not an effort and the frequency means they really get to see and know you. Good luck