At a loss with what to do with adult daughter

Is your daughter a good enough mother or is she incapable? I hope she assents to be sterilised. Whatever happens maybe you and your husband should keep on being friends enough
to monitor the kids' living conditions after your daughter leaves your home.c

I do agree, it is time for tough love. Despite your love of your grand kids you are enabling your daughters horrific behavior by allowing her to live with you. This is of course no fault to you, it is what any good parent does. But she will continue to take advantage because it is allowed. She has to be sent out to find her own way. She has to get it into her head that she is responsible for these babies and herself and she has to smarten up.
I have been through similar with my oldest daughter and we sent her and her children packing and told her she had to figure life out and get her head out of her butt. Fortunately.... she has since married a wonderful, albeit super strict man, and has finally settled down. She has had 6 children by 3 men (fortunately the last 3 are products of her now husband) but our tough love paid off.

Will she qualify for some help, in the form of benefits?
How does it work there?
I'm sure if you see that she is trying her best, you would still help her out, if necessary?
You can only help someone if they're helping themself as best they can.

Thank you everyone. We are so unbelievably stressed out. My husband kicked her out when we found out she was pregnant again. She stayed with BD #4. 1 week later they broke up she was back here. Her kids stayed here but we told her she needs to get them to and from school and the youngest off preschool. That didn’t last long she was back here with no place to go when they broke up.

Our house is not small it’s 2000 sq ft. The girls all share a room they have bunk beds. The baby ( sex unknown) will be in her room. Then my husband and I have master and the 4th bedroom is our home office which is off limits to the girls and will not ever be a bedroom for her to use.

She’s on bedrest and on leave from her job.. Not working. Little income just in the form of child support. This morning the girls were up fighting and tearing up the house. We’ve given her an ultimatum. She is to get a tubal while in the hospital. No exceptions. If she does she can stay until next summer when the youngest now goes off to school. Otherwise she is not coming back here after the birth ever. She is done living with us and needs to start applying for housing help and being an adult and taking care of her own kids.

If she chooses the tubal and stays here there will be no babysitting at all from us In regards to her social life. We will help out from time to time with the older ones only when they are sick and can’t go to school and she must be at work or looking for a job. She is to go back to work and find child care for all the kids through the state when they are not in school. We can help out with before and after school care but we are not live in babysitters.

So this is it. We are fed up at her selfishness. If she doesn’t agree to get sterilized she will be on her own with 4 kids. We will agree to help get kids to and from school but she will be supporting 5 people on her own and I have no idea how she will do that.

Ask her what she is going to do to prevent herself from having more children.
Sterilisation at the same time as the birth would be a good option, I think, but get her to face her situation and make a decision for herself. Then ensure she sticks to it.

Make your daughter take responsibility for herself. At the moment she's still leaving all the difficult stuff to you.

What a to do you poor things your heart must be in your boots and no you can’t kick her out and even two months might be a push especially if she has ill health which it seems she has
You say that one father is good and lives near can he handle some of the responsibility for his child yes encourage her to get sterilised, four is way enough and DoraMarr is correct set the ground rules she and she alone looks after the baby whilst she is at yours if the next one up is 4 the others should be above school age so hopefully able to do some things for themselves
I don’t think you can kick her out but you can be much less enabling and tougher with her your posts sounds as if she just pops the baby out then gets back to dating don’t make it too easy and get Social services ( or equavilent) to help
Is the child that has health issues able to be at home ? And does she/he need a lot of extra care? Can you get extra help for them
This is a minefield

Hello Everyone - sorry, I missed that sentence about "7 months pregnant". Those of you who pointed it out are all correct; of course she will keep the baby.

I guess I read the part where the OP said she asked last month whether or not her daughter was pregnant and missed the sentence that followed later on.

It’s good that you have given her an ultimatum and told her she has until the New Year living with you. Perhaps, in the interim, you could lay down ground rules about what she should be doing and what you are willing to do to help her: for instance, she should be the primary caregiver for all her children, which means budgeting for their clothes, food etc ( that should clip her wings when she wants to go out on dates.) she should get them up in the morning and feed them and get them ready for daycare while you keep out of the way. Perhaps then you could offer to collect them if she is at work and give them their evening meal, but she is to take over when she gets home and bath them and put them to bed. This will be hard work, but it’s the reality for most single mothers, and married mothers whose husbands work late or on shifts. Then you should be out of the house one of her non- working days- go for a drive and a walk, or visit friends or family. That way you will have a day off. Can you arrange your home so that you have one room which is out of bounds to the children? She needs to face up to her responsibilities and start acting like an adult, but I appreciate you are concerned about your grandchildren.

Do you not have priority lists for Social Housing in the US?

I only know the housing system in the UK (and not that very well), but I think in the UK, if you went to Social Services, they would consider a case where a woman with 4 children was living with her parents, presumably in very cramped conditions, as a priority case and she would move up the housing list quite fast.

Hi we’re in the US I can’t seem to find any decent US based boards for Grandparents.

There is a waitlist for housing out here its harder to get help.

She’s 7 months pregnant so yes she’s keeping the baby.

My husband is going to boot her out a couple months after she has the baby. He has told her to start applying for housing and help now. Hopefully this baby daddy is not be a deadbeat like the others. She does get child support from the first father he’s actually a decent guy who moved out here to be a Dad. The other 2 not so much.

I’ve told her she needs to get a tubal or an iud since she’s too irresponsible to take any birth control on a daily basis. I’ve made it clear we’re done supporting her and her bad choices after the new year.

I don’t know what else to do. She can’t continue to live here and keep bringing babies home.

Does your daughter plan to conserve this pregnancy?
She's 7 months pregnant Melanie, so yes, I would think so.

NancyP you can't carry on supporting her although I know how you feel about the DGC. If you carry on supporting her you are condoning her behaviour.

She should be entitled to Social Housing as she is a single mother with four children (or will be soon). What about the fathers providing some support? Are their names on the birth certificates?

It would be dreadful for you to say she has to leave, but if you do so, it will help her to get some accommodation. At least she is working (well, on sick leave at present) so she should be able to manage and the fathers should be contributing too.
Giving her support in the way of some childcare would not be as taxing for you as having them all to live with you and at least you would get some of your own life back.

She's old enough to get pregnant - she's old enough to cope on her own.

PS sodapop has posted while I was writing mine. Have to say that I agree with her suggestion.

Oh Nancy what a situation. I so feel for you. Of course you cannot kick out a woman who is 7 months pregnant but what a position this puts you in.

Think you do need to have a very serious talk to this daughter, again. It’s not a bad suggestion from melanie about sterilisation as she really cannot expect to go on popping out children she cannot support and expect you to come to her aid every time.

I think you really have to lay the law down and give her a fright. Tell her that her father has had enough. That you are at the end of your tether with her and really mean it.

I’m so sorry- you sound exhausted and frustrated. There doesn’t seem much you can do while your daughter is off sick and on bed rest, and I assume you are now doing all the child care. After the baby is born your daughter needs to realise that she cannot go on living like this. Are there any other family members who could talk to your daughter to make her see that you cannot continue to support her and her children?

Time for tough love I think. You need to set the wheels in motion now for getting support and housing for your daughter and the children, at present you are enabling this lifestyle to continue. Once this child is born you need to set a date when you expect her to leave.
It's hard but has to be done, you could still help with the children.

I am so sorry for you. This is going to sound like shutting the gate after the horse has bolted but could she perhaps think about sterilisation?

Does your daughter plan to conserve this pregnancy? Perhaps I shouldn't have asked this as I know this is a subject about which people have strong views and I don't want to start a nasty argument.

Much as I can see why your husband is cross, I hope he doesn't throw her out? Where would she go and what would happen to the children?

This must be so hard for you. I don't imagine it's easy for your daughter either really as pregnancy is not always easy and, deep down, it may worry her that she has "done it again".

I wish you well.