Dil won’t let me be grandma

crazyh what is it that some parents do to their sons that prevents them becoming an equal partner in a relationship? The blame by some mothers of young men that bossy & controlling DiLs ruin relationships does beg that question. What attracted the lads to the young women? Some say men choose women like their mothers!

You need to look at your choice on d words and expression towards your DIL which if in her shoes would give me great insight as to why she doesn’t want you involved

My house is much cleaner than hers! (Petty and very childish response)

Christmas morning you won’t get a look in if DIL has “her way”

DIL hovers and dumps GC on ground to play with him? Is she a first time mum? Maybe she is nervous? Children can play on the ground?!? Not quite sure what you see as the issue here?

She fell asleep on the couch then demanded he was brought back to her? Sounds like an exhausted new mum who fell asleep and wanted the comfort of her own child?

If you refuse to take responsibility for your own actions, interpretation of DIL words I would expect the contact you do have will be cut short. You have made no reference to your son and his role in any of this. Stop blaming your DIL for your poor attitude, try and be nice , offer help not advice and calm down with the “my grand child” and you may find you are more welcome when you are less over bearing and entitled.

If she perceives your offers of help and advice as overbearing perhaps she has self confidence issues. Most new mothers do as it is quite daunting to feel the pressures of being seen to be able to everything right. I still remember how nervous I was with my own firstborn 40 years ago. It takes time to feel confident - give your DIL some space to grow into motherhood.

Very sad situation. I think that so many women today feel that they have to be so independent that it makes them look weak or silly if they have help from outside. Maybe it has a lot to do with how she was brought up - maybe she was in a nursery from a young age ?
As far as Christmas is concerned - any reason why you can't go to your sons house in the morning ? It's such a faff to hoik up a baby, plus belongings and take them out and maybe you DIL just wants her child to have their first Christmas in his own home and things may well change for next year.

I'm not seeing my only GC at all, never have done over family holidays, Christmas, Easter etc, or her birthday, they live not too far away. You are fortunate, count your blessings, it could be alot more bleak and sad for you..

The advice to you on this threw sadgranna seems to be pretty consistent although some is a great deal more kindly and thoughtfully expressed than others!

I truly hope that you can take on board some wise words on here and also think very carefully about how you go forward. Enjoy your Christmas meal etc with your family ...that way it might happen again on some Christmases! Christmas does not have to be identical every year

Sadgranma, you ARE being allowed to be grandma though....
Just not how you seem to want to demand!!!
You have zero right to DEMAND anything from your son or dil regarding your grandson.
In your position I would back the hell off before you find yourself with NO contact with any of them. Your advice is clearly not wanted or needed, or it would be sought.
Really have a long think about what you do and say next. You may end up like some poor grandparents on here that don't ever get to see their grandchildren (often without good reason).

I feel your pain my gd is 7 and the same situation has gone on since day one I have seen her twice this year she lives 20 mins drive away! We are not allowed to go there theexcuses why not are unbelievable I have tried to reason with my son and dil but it falls on deaf ears I have now gave up cried too many tears over it .

There have been plenty of other "plain talking" replies on the thread, so I am sure you have by now gleaned the general consensus of opinion on the matter,

My own observation, and it's one that has been said a lot, is that you do seem to have a sense of entitlement over the child, and a deep resentment towards your daughter in law.

"doing every thing in her power to keep me away"
"She doesn’t invite me around when she’s on leave"
"And now she intends to keep my grandchild at home on Christmas morning when in the past she has come to my home to celebrate "
"She’s booked my grandchild into full time daycare"
"more alone time with my only grandchild"

There is no negativity voiced towards your son, only to his wife. I would say that your grandchild has two parents, and they have BOTH decided to put the child into daycare, they have BOTH decided to stay at home for Christmas morning, instead of (presumably) BOTH coming to your home for Christmas morning, and ultimately no grandparent has the right to have alone time with a grandparent. I assume your son is working, so maybe his priority is for him to have some alone with with his child.

I think you need to take a small step back, and accept that they are no longer "just" your son and daughter-in-law, but a little family unit of their own, and must be free to make their own choices.

I am assuming this is the baby's first Christmas, so it's all very exciting to the adults - to the child, not so much. Just another day, but with some lovely bright wrapping paper to play with.

You are going to see them on Christmas Day, so please, enjoy that wholeheartedly and don't let your resentment build any further, until it reaches the point of estrangement.

crazy

Yes, that's it ....most men are under their wives' thumbs...my brothers certainly were. In my case I was under his thumb, until I rebelled.....so, he left me for someone else, but my word, hasn't he jumped from the frying pan to the fire. Serves him right?

There is no doubt that daughters in law gravitate toward their own mother, however, perhaps your son is under your daughter in law's thumb.Have a quiet word with him and ask what is the problem.

Sounds to me like the new mum is the selfish one..
gmelon are you for real, how old are you with a stupid and cruel remark obviously you people with these nasty remarks have no empathy or sympathy or understanding

As many of us have experienced both the DIL and the MIL dynamics I think we probably have enough experience to read into the OP's post exactly what is going on here.
The situation appears to be that of a would-be interfering MIL who is over-ready to proffer 'advice' on how DIL should be bringing up her son and a DIL who is trying her best to include the child's grandmother despite her MIL's overbearing attitude.

gmelon are you for real, how old are you with a stupid and cruel remark obviously you people with these nasty remarks have no empathy or sympathy or understanding

What a b****y insulting and ageist remark!
What do you mean allykat by you people. I wonder?

I'm not the rosy cheeked, doing crafts, patient kind of grandma.
Oh, that's definitely me [halo], but the rosy cheeks are courtesy of my blusher.

Well I have obviously got grand parenting all wrong as I have never been invited to my son’s home on Christmas Day! They always spend the day with his wife’s parents.

Surely its just being yourself?
I'm not the rosy cheeked, doing crafts, patient kind of grandma.
I'm more of the "stop getting under my feet and making noises" type.

What indeed?

Dil won’t let me be grandma

This has got me wondering what 'being grandma' is

This reads to me like somebody has written the original post specifically to show all the (inevitable) responses to their own MIL as a subtle way of getting her to understand how her actions are being perceived.

Two of my children live 10 minutes away with their partners and children. Sometimes they include me in outings and sometimes they do not - even when a bit of me thinks that I would really have loved to go on one that they did not include me in, I always enjoy the idea of them all having a great time as a family - and they send me pics on my phone.

You need to cultivate the idea of wanting what is best for THEM - if a Christmas morning, just the two of them with their little one, is what they want, then take pleasure in thinking of them enjoying it rather than thinking just of yourself and what you are missing.

Honestly the crux of all this is that you think less about yourself and more about them and their happiness. It is not hard to do.

"Sounds to me like the new mum is the selfish one.."

Really?

I’m envisioning someone ( a younger person?) sitting reading these responses and having a good laugh - this post must be a wind up, surely? It’s almost a cruel post for anyone with real estrangement issues to read.

Sorry Sadgranma but I think you're being overly obsessive about your grandchild and only seeing your own point of view despite the excellent advice here. Why on earth do you expect to be with them Christmas morning as well as the rest of the day? It is a special time for the parents and child and they can then happily prepare for guests. You had your child, that was your son, and now this is THEIR child who I am sure they will happily enjoy with you if you respect their feelings and opinions. If not, then the loss will be all yours.

You really shouldn’t try to push the relationship. Just calm down and try to put things into perspective, your dli is obviously feeling protective and possessive about her baby and why not it is her baby. Don’t be paranoid, it seems as though you’ve been looking forward to the baby being born and things haven’t turned out as you expected. The Christmas morning thing ...............of course they want to spend time alone as a family and why not they’re coming to you for dinner, so be satisfied with that. To be honest I don’t understand people who try to inflict their wll on other people. Give them some space hopefully for your sake they will let you become more hands on, if they don’t you’ll have to accept it. By pushing you’ll just drive abigger wedge between you.