Dil won’t let me be grandma

Phew what a thread

But where to start. There is a lot of helpful comment here, most of which the OP does not want to hear. The interesting comment from her that " I understand what you are all saying shows that she is missing the point altogether - but appears unwilling to accept her own feelings may be misplaced.

There are times in life when we have to accept we are NOT the centre of someone else's life and the situation being discussed here would appear to be an example of this.

Being a grandparent is a privilege. It is not a right.

Hi sadgranma,
Do you know that your DD is doing everything she can to be friendly to your DIL? (This doesn't apply if your DD is a small child, of course).

I ask because when I was younger, DH's sisters were lovely to me in front of MIL but behind her back they would make snide and pointed comments and once mocked me outright after I'd had a tragedy in my life. DH was furious and refused to speak to them afterwards, MIL blamed me for the family rift. When my DCs were born, I would not let his sisters anywhere near them. Things are not always clear cut.

I'm afraid your DIL is going to go to her parents for support and childcare and they are going to probably see more of your GC. That must feel very sad for you, but it's not wrong as such, it's just that it's natural she will go to her mum. I did this when my DC were young. I would only let MIL hold them for 5 minutes, then I would get so stressed and anxious I would take them back. It's not fair but I think if you're getting 20-30 mins you're not doing badly.

My advice would be to keep it bright and breezy and try to make a friend of your DIL as much as possible. Make her feel you want to see her and not just your son and grandson. She is the key to things improving and this is going to be the only way. As your grandson gets older, she will naturally be less protective and as long as you keep a friendly and relaxed attitude, things should improve.

My relationship with my MIL was poor when mine were babies, and looking back, we've been able to acknowledge that we both made mistakes. Both of us have learnt from them over the years. We get on really well now. I genuinely love her and now my children are grown they have their own relationship with her, which is unique and just as strong as with my mother. They arrange to see her all on their own.

Keep kind, keep friendly and play the long game. Don't get yourself cut out at this early stage.

But smileless Sangranmahasn’t had any contact withheld she is even going to them for Christmas Day afternoon
Sadgranma how old is the baby grandson ? Is it their first child ?
Can you not see that if you hold back a bit and accept what is offered it will be ok just don’t try and ‘own’ the little one and maybe by the time he’s toddling around you ll be more in demand If you see your daughter in law as an enemy she may become one
In many cases sons mums will not have as much contact as the baby’s mums parents do, it’s just how it goes I look back and although I really really liked my mum in law it was always my own mum I went to and I also remember when I stayed with my in laws I was really really nervous about leaving my baby for a couple of hours although she was a nurse and had borne seven kids I really had to steel myself

Willa I certainly wasn’t ridiculing your language it was an expression I d never heard used and sounded very strange to me

Being a grandparent is surely being able to give them back when they cry/ need changing/ throw up,etc. Be there for emergencies or when asked but don’t fret about how much time etc you have with the child. A baby won’t remember who changed its nappy. I’ve got 4 AC and 6 GC and can’t understand how anyone other than a parent would want to look after a newborn baby. Too much like hard work. However, just got back from a holiday taking 4 GC aged 8-12 away for a week absolutely exhausting but good fun. You can build a good relationship over time and it’s not a competition.

Sorry Sadgranma but life isn’t fair and we all need to accept that! I agree with the poster who said make a life for yourself and find ways to enjoy life.

My advice would be not to offer advice.

PS I've pm'd you Sadgranma hope you get it.

Of course you're a loving GM who would never hurt your GC Sadgranma and withholding your GC isn't wrong on so many levels it's wrong on all levels.

Try and take heart from the fact that there is some contact. We never held our GC for as long as 20 minutes. She would hover like a praying mantis and made Mr. S. feel so uncomfortable, he didn't like holding him at all.

Your d.i.l's. dislike of your D says a lot IMO. So listen up everyone or would some of you blame the OP or her d.i.l. not liking her D.

Hi Sadgranma,
Sorry to hear about your troubles. Whatever you do, don't make this worse for yourself. I posted on GN when I was banned from seeing my grandkids 3 1/2 years ago. As my son said in an email 'We didn't have the kids for you.' No, that was not nice to read. But I took on board what others on here have said, regardless of who I honestly thought was right. The results is that I have no contact with GKDs. But I do have contact with overseas grandkids. I have now made a new life for myself without these family ties in uk. I'm not sad, I'm not bitter, it's just the way it is. But if things don't work out for you with your family, you CAN make a good life for yourself. There's voluntary work, book clubs, walking clubs, U3A, all sorts. I wish you all the best>

I understand what you are all saying. But I am a loving mother and grandma. I would never hurt my grandchild. I have a safe clean home and am more able-bodied than dils own parents - yet I know they have watched the baby and I have yet to do so. It is absolutely unfair to withhold my grandchild from me when the other grandparents have unfettered access. That is wrong on so many levels.

Dil also hates my daughter so that doesn’t help the situation at all. My daughter never gets to hold the baby and dil is constantly taking the baby from our hands after 20-30 mins of holding him.

You can't be the grandmother of your SiL's child
I am!

That's a horrible post keffie and it's no surprise that you "totally get" where the OP's d.i.l. is coming from as your ex H cut out his mother, your ex m.i.l.

Sadgranma, I know how you feel.
My d.i.l. has never, ever liked me or my family. She is an only child and right from the start found our loud family, overpowering. She is such hard work and doesn't make an effort. I am literally tired of always asking when can I see the children, when can I come? My son is so detached from the rest of the family as well.....well I suppose, I was hoping for a great love-filled family around me. I expected too much .

Likewise ridiculing someone's grammar seems unkind.

I totally feel your bad is a most peculiar expression, willa and not one most of us would understand, that's why I wondered if it was American English.
You say you are American and living in the States - but your post is perfectly written and understandable.
Perhaps I totally feel your bad was posted by a very young person. It's not that it is grammatically incorrect - it is just nonsensical.

and we have had one or two MIL/DIL threads posted by Americans on a very similar theme

Your, your, your! Definitely overbearing!

Don't know what you mean icanhandthembackcould you be more explicit?

TBH Maggiemaybe I was wondering if some of the replies were a wind up.

"This is not normal" really Cold!! What's abnormal about a GM wanting to be involved her GC's life and to help with feeding and bathing?

I think the only problem lies is with you. My this, my that! It comes accross like it is your God given right to have XYZ! It isn't.

From what you have already said on here I totally get where your DiL is coming from about you being overbearing. I would add you have OTT expectations, are demanding and are controlling too.

Twice a month is fair enough for paternal grandparents. Yes I do have 2 adult sons with grandchildren for us.

Daughters will always do more with there Mom's. I have a daughter. I did with mine. It is the way it is.

If your DiL and son wants to put the baby in childcare that is your son and DiL prerogative. The reason your DiL doesn't want you around when your son isn't there is obvious. She can't cope with you and wants back up of your son around. She can't cope with you being overbearing and demanding.

It also seems that anything you don't agree with is your DiL fault. Your son and DiL make the decisions together as a couple.

There is absolutely no reason why they should come to your home on Christmas morning. It's not as if your not seeing them that day.

Our children are through us, not of us. This applies to Grandchildren too. They aren't your property.

You need to take a good long look at yourself and ask yourself how you would have felt if the shoe was on the other foot.

Your actions if not tempered could lead to you losing all contact with all of them. Your son will choose his wife (rightly so) over you. You don't own any of them.

Your issues are defo around control. My ex deceased MiL was the same. She ended up with her son (the ex) walking away from her because of her treatment of us predominately. Take heed

I wish someone would set some explicit ground rules about how to respond more humanely on these forums.

To begin with, judgmental comments are never productive. How can it help to criticize a distraught OP and make her feel worse than she already does?

Likewise ridiculing someone's grammar seems unkind. I understand there is a 'pendant's corner' for that sort of thing. Lastly, as an American living in the US, I do take exception when I see a derogatory 'jab' aimed at my country.... that is hurtful too.

Right or wrong, if someone asks for help, the last thing they need is to be berated in front of others.

where's the 'facepalm' emoji when you need it ?

Sadgranma you need to to take a huge breath and calm down before you ruin the relationship with your son's family.

You also need to dial down the melodramatic language of being "cast aside" - you currently see your grandson twice a month and seeing the family in the afternoon on Christmas Day which sounds like a fairly normal level of grandparent-grandchild contact.

For some reason you have set up huge expectations in your mind that you are going to be a substitute mother to your grandchild where you will be having him alone and feeding, bathing, and taking him to baby classes. This is not normal. It seems that don't seem to respect your DIL parenting her own child. You need to tone down your expectations

I agree with you, Smileless. As I said earlier, I do feel that the OP needs to step back a bit. But there are ways of saying things, and some posters seem to relish being harsh. I wonder if they'd speak to someone face to face like that when they were asked for help.

And the usual posts asking if it's a wind up. Against GN rules, of course, and not likely to make the OP want to come back any time soon.

Maybe there are similarities in Grandparenting styles to the OP’s, Smileless.

Sadgranma You appear as a lonely person with little in your life other than to control others. Given an inch when you wanted a mile ? Accept that your offer to help is not a rejection but the persons choice to do what they want
Is this your first grandchild ?then time to start learning.
ie Where is DH in this.?

The term grand baby doesn't make me grit my teeth, but a lot of the replies to the OP did.

I agree with the majority of posts too.

And what is it about the term 'grand baby' that makes me grit my teeth?