Dil won’t let me be grandma

Sadgranma while I agree with responses suggesting that you take a step back and are fortunate to be seeing your GC for some of time on Christmas day, the hostile and judgemental tone of some is really quite shocking.

The sometimes subtle changes in the relationship between a m.i.l. and d.i.l. when a child is born, may to some appear meaningless and paint the new GM as overbearing and demanding, but sadly can be the beginning of a gradual erosion of the relationship.

There's no reason why your d.i.l. should avail herself of your offer of free child care but a thoughtful explanation as to why, and appreciation of the offer, wouldn't go a miss.

We've been estranged from our son and only GC for 6 years. I'm not suggesting that this is happening to you but having experienced the refusal of free child care, taking the baby out for a walk in the pram, changing a nappy and even seeing the baby splashing in the bath at bed time, I do understand your upset and concern.

I agree Bluebell that it's unlikely the OP will come back but not because she has hasn't had the support she was expecting, but because of the aggressive and judgemental responses which she wouldn't have expected.

There is a support thread on the Relationships forum for those who are estranged and even though you're not estranged, I know you'll find some support there Sadgranma.

I totally feel your bad
Is it American English?

Of course, it could be an error of grammar:
'I totally feel you're bad'

(still grammatically incorrect of course)

I totally feel your bad What sort of English is that ? ?

I don’t think sadgranms will be coming back she obviously hasn’t heard the support she was expecting
Hopefully you will pick up some of the advice on here and look at this through others eyes and hopefully see that you have been expecting way too much of a new mum and new family
Enjoy your Christmas which you have been kindly invited to but what ever you do accept what you ve been offered and stop looking for more and more ownership of this baby boy

We have so many MiL /DiL tales of woe and many replies say the same thing. If you want to develop positive relationship with your DGC
1) Remember you are a just the grandparent & not the child's parent
2) Never offer advice and even when asked sound as if you are not sure if you are right!
3) Enjoy the time you are with your DGC, DS & DIL. Do not take umbrage or be grumpy!
4) Try to treat your DiL as a lovely person, an equal that you would like to be friends with.

It does sound like OP sees the DiL as the GC provider and that really does irritate. My MiL said in my presence, a day or two before DD1 was born that she wanted to know when the baby was born and that SHE was ok. It laid the foundation for a very uneasy relationship which remains so today, 40 years later. As a MiL three times over I have always been careful but it is a very difficult path to navigate.

It seems your attitude which is wrong, not your DIL. I have 3 grandchildren and would never presume that they spend time just with me. I never changed their nappies when they were younger, that wasn't my place. They have also never slept over at my house on their own. It doesn't bother me at all.
This child is not your child, he is your grandchild, and as such it is up to your son and DIL in how they deal with things. You sound entitled and overbearing.

Start having some respect for your DIL or may well find that you lose your grandchild altogether.

Firstly, don't offer your advice unless asked.

I now only see my MIL with my husband present as she just doesn't respect my parenting. She also gets annoyed because if I need child care, she isn't the first one asked but at the end of the day, as parents we ask who we trust the most and for me, that's my mum and my godmother.

If you carry on with this attitude, she'll push you away even more as I know for me, I just couldn;t be dealing with someone's sense of entitlement over my child.

Sorry, I have to agree with the majority. You do appear to be overbearing and what I would call hard work. If my MIL had been like this I would have distanced myself from her.
You need to take a step back.

I think you expect far too much from your daughter in law and you need to take a step back. Your son will always take her side so you must accept what she wants if you want to see your grandchild at all. She will naturally want to see her mother over you and as you are retired, you are probably too old to be looking after a baby/toddler. I feel that you are very lucky to see them on Christmas Day so make the most of it and treat your daughter in law with respect - she knows best where her child is concerned!

That's the thing with grandchildren, they can move to the other side of the world and us grandparents have no control over it, nor should we.

Grandchildren are to be enjoyed in the moment.

And as for advice...
Do you, OP, not remember all the unasked for advice you were given as a new mother?

My dd breastfed her baby and you would have thought that was capital sin to hear her paternal relations talk. She loves them dearly, fortunately enough, but they put her through the mill on this issue.

I have a friend who is a good-hearted person, but is extremely pushy and persists in giving ‘good’ advice which is unwanted and only succeeds in annoying people. She has alienated her two daughters-in-law who no longer see her, so she has no access to her 3 grandchildren. She also has a daughter, who is married with three young sons. My friend has bent over backwards to help her daughter out with the baby-sitting although the family live 40 miles away. Now they are going to move to the West Country, so she will hardly ever see them. I think that her son-in-law has also found her extremely heavy going, so he isn’t too sad to be moving away. I feel very sorry for my friend, but she has brought it on herself, really, by being so bossy and interfering even though she thinks she is being helpful. This should possibly be a lesson for you, Sadgranma, that you could lose all contact if you don’t back off.

Loving a grandchild and wanting to spend time with that child is normal and understandable, especially when it's the first one. I don't see any bad faith here...I see a new grandmother who like many of us, has made some 'rookie' mistakes. It's not always easy to abide by so many disparate 'rules' that govern MILs and their adult children's families. Misunderstandings are the invariable culprits.

Sadgrandma, you will be a lot happier if you lower your expectations. Rule no. one is that in the scheme of life, most of us (grandma's) get downgraded along the (power) hierarchy. Another sad fact is that DIL will give preferential treatment to her own family and look to those who raised her whenever she wants guidance.

So, if you have any semblance of a good relationship with DIL now, don't jeopardize what's left of it with grievances....instead work on improvements to make it better.

Engage your son if you must, but tread lightly. Diplomacy is the key here, so bide your time quietly and enjoy your grandchild whenever you can. When the next one comes along, things should get easier.

Sadgranma
If you had been my MIL I would be looking to move as far away as possible.

Nannan2, that is very sad and is particularly awful when your children have fallen out. When I fell out with my sister, I kept saying to my Mum and children, it is not your argument, it is mine and it mustn't affect your relationships. After all, she is still their daughter, aunt and sister.
Have you actually tried to contact your son and DIL or are you just assuming they won't want you to contact them?Sometimes, it just needs one of the parties to keep trying. Try to say to yourself that you haven't fallen out with your son, DIL and Grandchildren so it won't be wrong to keep extending the hand of friendship. Every so often, a little hand written card saying something like, I saw this today and thought of you. Lots of love always kind of thing. You never know, one day they might thaw. Meanwhile, send a present and ring on her Birthday.

I am 68 years old and reading your message takes me back to when I was a young mum. I am sorry but you sound like my horrific mother in law. She made me feel like a surrogate mum, she even used to say when I had Paul who was my son not hers. I grew to hate her and I am a very peaceful person. You are only the grandma and importantly not the only grandma. You are not the mum. You sound overbearing and interfering. I was here as a young mum and your daughter in law must be really struggling. She won't want to tell you to get out of her life because of her husband your son. Her husband his your son not your grandson. Back off you are seeing them Christmas Day , I think you will never feel you are getting enough. I hope your daughter in law can hang loose and not tell you were to go. Sorry this is not what you want to hear

I meant my DIL doesnt get on with her own mum

I used be ok got on fine with DIL,treat her like my own daughters- now it seems shes diagnosed with something-not sure what- it gives her 'issues'- shes encouraged my son to fall out with his sister and me too since i was clearly still friends with my daughter&not taking 'their' side.now ive not seen them or their 3 children since summer and we were very close before- its breaking my heart and their only girls birthday is coming up- she'l think ive forgotten about her- yet her brothers got their gifts,birthdays in summer before the 'fall out'! Its not like shes close to her parents either as she doesnt get on with her own mum!

Only just read this very sad story and I must say that this sort of thing is so alien to me that I'd find it difficult to come up with any answers.
When I've read threads about families I can only thank God that I've never been " shut out " or rejected in any way concerning my GC and presently my GGC. Nobody in the family would have ever done that nor thought about being so spiteful. This is why I can't come up with either an answer nor a suggestion/solution.
That's not to say that I don't sympathise with those GP's who suffer this sort of behaviour,I do,very much so and there's just no understanding why it happens.

The OP asked for our opinion and the majority seem to think that the problem lies with her, not the daughter-in-law. The way that she refers to daughter-in-law as HER speaks volumes. I would tread very carefully in their home over Christmas lunch and afternoon ( which I think is very generous of them in the circumstances) otherwise it could be the last Christmas - or any other time - that you are invited. Please take on board what people are saying, take a step back and be the kind of mother- in- law you would want for yourself. Best wishes.

I agree MysticalUnicorn, some comments were very judgemental and none of us knows this unhappy grandma who’s poured her heart out to us. Maybe she hasn’t got anybody close she can confide in. I had a very different experience when I posted a while ago and was very heartened by the wise words of comfort I received.

OP, I wonder how much you let your own MiL take over the tasks of bathing, taking to classes etc. when your own son was small or whether you wanted to make all the decisions about his care!. Think back. Do you only have one child yourself so you are putting 'all your eggs in one basket'? If your DiL describes you as overbearing then it's because you are so you need to change so that you can have a good relationship with her.

There are some very nasty comments on this topic, and I really feel for this poor Grandma. Give her a break please! She has asked for help, not additional punishment.

Some very harsh comments but maybe we all need some straight talking sometimes. It’s not easy to take but we do have to listen to impartial advice when it’s well meant. Good luck!

I'm a mother in law and keep my distance after being kept in my place early on. I'm the mither of sons forget it your a second class citizen always will be! I actually get on with bith daughter in laws but do keep a distance. Love the grandchildren and make the most if our time together but know my place!

It’s only natural that you son and DIL want to spend Christmas morning together in their new family unit as it is a very special time for them and I think you should respect it. If this is your first grandchild then I understand how exciting it is for you but please don’t let your enthusiasm and love for your grandson take over. Perhaps your enthusiasm results in your DIL being unable to relax when you are there.

I have two sons and have had three dil’s and have always expected to be on the edge of their lives, even more so when our older son and ex DIL divorced and none of us ever saw our eldest GDs on Christmas Day, not even their father, as their mother insisted they always spent this day with her, not really fair but we had to accept it and make do with seeing them on Boxing Day.

To be honest I think you are very fortunate to be spending part of the day with them. Your negative attitude to your DIL is very apparent in your posts so please don’t let it jeopardise your future relationship with them, it can happen so easily, believe me. I hope you will read all these responses very carefully and take them on board because there are some very wise people on here.