Dil won’t let me be grandma

I’ll be seeing them Christmas afternoon. And for dinner. So I won’t be able to pop by in the morning if my dil has her way.

That says it all! You are seeing them all on Christmas Day and also having dinner with them. Is that not enough|? What else is it that you want? The if my DIL has her way is truly ominous - why should she not have her way? It is not about you. She wants some time just as a family on Christmas morning? - shock horror!!!

Back off right now if you want to see this child at all. Your insistence that you should have time alone with the child and should be engaging in care activities (from changing nappies to day care) is just plain crazy. Just fit on with their needs and do the things that they feel will help them best.

Remember - you have no rights. Your task is to support them in the ways that THEY choose, not to feel hard-done-by that you are not being given the opportunity to be Mum all over again.

Reading this has made me extremely grateful for my MIL at least. And quite sorry for my brothers girlfriend!

You are clearly seeing him, you aren't being cast aside. You just aren't getting your own way!

I didn't let anyone feed or bathe my DD, because I am her mom, I wanted to do it. I'm happy for people to hold her and play with her, but I am there to take care of her.

It sounds like this child is still quite young, I'm guessing around the age of 1. If so that's the same age as DD, she's never been left with anyone or taken out by anyone (other than her dad, obviously) because she's still tiny. She doesn't need to be away from us. That may change as she gets older.

He's not 'on lockdown' with his mother. She's parenting him! She carried him for 9 months, she gave birth to him, she's his mother, not you! You sound like you thought having a grandchild would be another chance to parent, it's not.

Despite every poster here telling you that you need to back off I don't think you've taken it on board. You clearly expected everyone to say what an evil DIL you had. If you carry on down this road I wouldn't blame her if she moves hundreds of miles away.

Be grateful for the time you have with your grandson. Attempt to build a relationship with your DIL by treating her as a friend, not just a way to get to your grandchild. If she sees you as someone she can trust then she may ease off.

Also, you say they went to you every Christmas before? What about her family?

1. You are not entitled to alone time or providing care to your GS.

2. The time they spend with the other GPs is none of your business.

3. Don't offer advice unless she asks. Things change. Yes, you brought up your son and he survived, but not every child was so fortunate. As we learn better we do better. You also have to consider that you are not an expert on your GS. His mother is.

You see them twice a month. We saw my GPs a couple of times a YEAR (Dad's parents) and once every 1 to 2 months (Mum's parents). Remember, they need family time too.

As for Christmas, frankly, I think you're being ridiculous. This is THEIR first Christmas as a family. That trumps your first Christmas as a grandma.

I m guessing here that this is yet another American mother in law problem we have had a lot of them lately itsounds very familiar there must be a mother in law movement

You don’t say if this is your daughter in laws first child but if it is no wonder she hovers and doesn’t want you feeding her baby and of course she wants Christmas morning at home with her own family and NEVER never post pictures without consultation
Nothing she is doing sounds unnatural or unexpected
You are pushing her away by your constant demands No wonder your offer to have the baby instead of day care was turned down you would smother the baby with your neediness
Lead your own life love the grandchild as a grandmother not a mother and everything else will fit into place

I am not sure that I believe this thread is genuine but, if it is, I bet the DIL is posting on Mumsnet about her MIL's behaviour and being advised to move away and cut her out of their lives.

OP, I am not being facetious here, but have you thought of getting a puppy as you clearly have a lot of love and care to give, but I feel that it is misdirected here.

Sadgranma you say you are on your knees hoping for a miracle. I am reminded of the story of a man whose house was inundated by a terrible flood and he had to climb onto the roof surrounded by raging flood waters. Briefly the story says that the man believed God and a miracle would save him and he refused three opportunities for rescue from the roof. Eventually he was swept away by the flood waters desperately asking why God had forsaken him. God replied "I sent a boat, a helicopter and a dinghy and you refused them all." Miracles take many forms.

Sadgranma you are in grave danger of losing everything you claim you most value - your family and in particular access to your grandchild and future grandchildren. Do not assume they will always live two minutes away. Your son and dil may be very tempted to move further away if you continue to behave the way you are behaving. Your posts do not suggest that you have really thought about or taken on board any of the very sound advice that you asked for and has been provided by other Grans.

I understand that I’m not the primary person in their family. But to be cast aside? To be watched as I hold my grandchild? To not be allowed to feed him? Bathe him? Take him out for a day? He is on lock down with his mother. She is always with him and hovers about hardly letting me or my family get a look in. It’s so upsetting to be treated this way as a grandmother.

Is it school holidays somewhere?

You need to back off. You sound really demanding and needy - and this habit of calling the baby my grandchild would set my teeth on edge if I were your daughter in law.

Sorry but you need to understand something - YOU are not the main person in that family. Mothers in law / grandmothers are way down on the pecking order, especially when you are the paternal grandmother. Just be grateful that you see them as often as you do ( which seems to be a lot !).

The title of your post Dil won’t let me be grandma is, I'm sorry to say, ridiculous.

Of course you are "grandma", you are the mother of the baby's father!

However, that does not entitle you anything! Not time alone with the child, or to be involved with his day care, or to expect that Christmas routines will be as they were in the past.

This is a now a new family, they will set their own ways of doing things, create their own Christmas traditions (it's only one day of the year, for heavens sake) and you must accept and understand that.

For what's it worth, I agree with others that your reference to MY grandchild is somewhat out of line.

I agree with most of the pp's. I understand that you are excited with having a grandchild but you need to back off, you come across as very overbearing.

I have a 1 year old. I get on well with my MIL (better than I do my own mom) because she doesn't offer advice assuming she knows what is best for my child, doesn't constantly refer to my DD as 'her grandchild', understands that I want Christmas with my DD in my home, not having her dragged around to other people's and is just generally chilled out and doesn't try to push herself on me or expect to babysit. I don't get on as well with my mom because she does all of the above.

That being said, I still don't see her without DP there, even on my mat leave, she's his mom he arranges the visits. And why would you need to take the baby to their classes. They are classes for MOMs and babies, the only time I see grans there are if the mom has gone back to work.

Me and DP rarely (like a handful of times since her birth) post on social media and have asked family and friends not to, because we don't want all of her childhood splashed over the internet. She might grow up and hate that!

Daycare is the best option here as well, sounds like you and your DIL would end up killing each other if you were taking care of the child as you're clearly both expecting different things. Be grateful of the time you get with your grandson.

Did you suddenly become all focussed on 'the grandchild' when she told you she was pregnant? My mom did and I really resent how she suddenly seemed to see me as some sort of incubator, ready to pop out 'her grandchild'. You need to build a solid relationship with your DIL rather than just seeing her as a way to get to your grandchild.

You are seeing them for Christmas dinner and the afternoon but it's still not enough for you?
I don't think you need advice I think you need a restraining order.

and there lies the answer ..you are overbearing and you criticise.
2 very good reasons why they don't want you to have contact with their baby.
You need to take a step back and make drastic changes or you will find yourself with no contact at all.

As a general rule if people (and not just family) want your advice they will ask for it. If they haven't asked they probably don't. The rule applies whether it's about grandchildren, financial matters, fashion, holiday plans, whatever. I agree with other posters that perhaps a little bit of personal soul searching may be needed.

If you are visiting with them in the afternoon and having dinner with them, you have no need to be there in the morning also.

I actually felt a bit strange reading your posts, they come across as overbearing and possessive. So much so that it crossed my mind momentarily that this could be a wind up.I
If not, I feel sorry for your son who will be stuck in the middle.

OP, be very careful, if you don't step back you could be shown the door.

Fall back, give some breathing space.

I agree with what everybody is saying
I am repeatedly hearing “my grandchild” , but he is their baby and if you haven’t worked out your place in the pecking order by now, you have to have a hard look at yourself.
I would back off the social media pics too, you are only making yourself unhappy. Why would she let you post pictures of their baby?
And what is wrong with the young family deciding to spend Christmas morning in their own home?
Even your final sentence fills me with dread -“alone time” with your grandchild?
Just think hard, whose child is he? Time to take a back seat, grandma, it is not all about you.

The rules to being a modern grandparent are complicated, and very different from how we saw our Grandparents. Parents are the ones who make decisions, do try not to offer helpful advice or comment unless it is asked for and never take the baby or do anything without first checking with Mum. It is hard, but it takes time to build a completely new relationship once baby has arrived. I have always taken a lead from our DIL and stood back unless invited to get involved. Our DGD at 2 now asks for us and to visit us, but for the first year I never expected to have time alone with our DGD. We visited their home once a week when invited, and took the lead from them.
You are lucky to see them ypur DGC on Christmas day, a lot of Grandparents never get that opportunity.

Please take this advice from someone who understands what it is like to love a grandchild more than life itself- you will lose your link to him if you insist on offering advice, and not realising that he is your grandson BUT NOT YOUR SON. Far better to be a terrific grandma, than struggle to be a secondary mother.

Why do you think you should have alone time with him? He's not your child; he's your son and dil's child. Stop being so needy, back off, get on with your life and you may find you get invited to see him more. You sound a bit obsessive TBH.

How old is your grandson, because I was thinking about how I liked to always be in my own home on Christmas morning when my daughter was small.

Gosh, I just want what's best for my grandson. What? You think she doesn't? You think only you know what's best for him? No wonder she's withholding him

Every child should spend Christmas day at home and as you're having dinner with them and seeing them in the afternoon what exactly is the problem. Your grand child is first and foremost their child so they get to make all the decisions regarding him. If they choose to put him in daycare then so be it. If your daughter in law thinks you're over bearing take a massive step back and keep your advice to yourself unless asked. Sorry but carry on like this and you'll soon have no contact at all, just be aware.

The thing that struck me most in your post Sadgranma was that every time you referred to your son and DiL's son, he was described as your grandchild, your grandbaby, not once as their son.
I feel sad for you, I really do, because he is your only grandchild and of course you want to be involved and see him often. But I do think you need to take a long hard look at your perception of the relationship between you and this little baby. He is not 'your' baby - you had your baby a long time ago and brought him up your way. Now it is their turn to make the decisions for their baby.
Try to stand back - offer help, be available, but please, please, don't refer to the baby in your DiL's hearing as 'my grandson/ my grandchild/my grandbaby'. He's not yours.

I just want to bond with him. When they come to visit, dil never hands him to me or my husband. She plops him on the floor and plays with him - always hovering and never sharing him with us. I have only changed one diaper and that’s because she was falling asleep on the couch. She got upset because I didn’t ask and demanded he be brought to her after the change - I was just playing with him on the bed and my son came to take him back to her.