Feeling confused

I must agree with tidyskatemum on this. When I was a young mother, my DH and I used to bend over backwards to accomodate my parents. We lived 2 hour's drive away but we were expected to visit every alternate weekend for Sunday lunch. And no matter what else we had on, or how much this interfered with our lives, we made that trip religiously because my parents "expected it". Mind you they never bothered to return the visit - it was always us who had to do the driving and the visiting with two young children.

These days, as a grandmother I'm obliged to do most of the visiting - not that I mind , but somehow it seems that I've been doing this all my life !

Sometimes I feel like the words of that song "What About ME ?"

What always annoys me in these threads is how we are expected to bend over backwards not to offend our DC - when in our day it was pretty much the other way round. We obliged our parents because to some extent we felt we owed it to them and would not have dreamt of telling them they couldn't visit etc, whereas now we are often just a nuisance getting in the way of their "so busy" lives - until they want something.

It can be really hurtful when and AC and family seem to favour one set of parents/grandparents over the other. It can sometimes be an unwillingness on the part of the SIL or DIL to spend time with the inlaws. We spend holidays with our daughter, SIL and grandchildren but in first couple of years not so much. SIL still quiet with us but far more accommodating as he's got to know us better. A difficult one this as if he is the issue he can't get to know you better and relax with you if they never do anything with you.

The broke young parents thing is also difficult. Money is often more tight for young parents than us as we get older ...not always I know ...and it's understandable if they want to reserve limited funds for some private family fun. You will need to play it by ear but surely offering to pay for a lunch out shouldn't seem offensive?

Could you maybe try for full family lunch which includes your other daughter and partner. It might be less intensive if there is more of you. Go for a nice circular table so everyone involved in the chat. Less likely to end in challenging conversations. You can concentrate on DGC while still being involved in light hearted grown up chat. As a previous post suggested ...leave straight after the restaurant meal which will hopefully end on a happy note.

You mentioned you already have a full life which is good. Maybe talk happily of other plans you've got ...not in a way
that makes it sound as though you won't have time for them ...but enough to show you are definitely not needy.

Good luck op ...family relationships once our children grow up can be a minefield.

Hi everyone. Thanks for all your comments, which did get me thinking a bit.

I don't think we're being pushy or needy -my suggestion of meeting up on holiday/in the holidays has only been made a handful of times in six years - the last two of which just happened to be close together. It's not the fact that she said they wanted time alone (she has said that before and I agree it's important) but the fact that she lied about the booking and the car repair - I simply don't see any need for that, and that upsets me more than not seeing them.

I don't criticise the other GPs cos they are lovely people - it's my DD who complains about them. Nor do we outstay our welcome, usually being the first to leave at family gatherings.

I'm not needy. I have a full life and indeed it's sometimes difficult to fit in visits where we ARE wanted (but of course we always do).

Maybe I'm just reminiscing back to when my own kids were small and we made an effort to include GPs as often as we could (though neither of us got on well with hubby's parents). Maybe I'm also super-sensitive as we have no other grandchildren, and nor do we have nephews or nieces - the other GPs are in the same boat.

I probably won't say anything to her, folllowing everyone's advice. I did mention it to my other DD and she was as baffled as me.

Hey ho.

Meg

Still pondering and just had a thought!
I know that you said you had a good relationship with your Dsil but is it at all possible that you or your Dh could have upset him at some point.
I've just remembered reading something similar to your situation and the person, like you just couldn't understand why their Dd was behaving like yours.
When the truth came out, the Dh and Dsil had, had a bit of a spat which the Dh "forgot" to mention but Dsil had told his wife about, creating the odd situation.
If this continues, I would have to ask, gently, had we done anything to upset or offend either her or her Dh and ask her to be truthful with a promise of no bad feelings from you for her honesty.

Why not stop contacting them at all for a few weeks and see how long it takes them to contact you. If a birthday comes up in that period just send a card and present and no extra message.

When your DD contacts you to find out why you haven't been in touch. Just say that as she had made it clear that they were uncomfortable seeing them, as much as you love them all, you felt it best to hold back until they wished to see you.

Like others, I do feel that there is more to this than meets the eye. I think all of us, at some point, are unaware how our own behaviour is the cause of our problems.

Let it go.
Don't confront your daughter with this; it is obvious that for whatever reason your daughter and/or her husband don't want to spend their holiday with you, and have resorted to subterfuge to avoid upsetting you.
You seem to have a good relationship with them, even if you don't see them as much as you would like; don't spoil it because of your resentment about the time his parents appear to spend with them.

Mmm! Interesting!
I'm pondering, what could be going on.
You say the other Gp being only five minutes away are always popping in, so it could literally be that, 5minutes and gone.
As you live 25miles away, Dd may feel that she has to set a few hours aside when you are visiting, maybe time she doesn't have.
The going away at Easter looks like it just started and now is an annual event.
The going away over half term and lying about it, could be because she knew that you would want to arrive for a day and they genuinely wanted time together.
Is it possible that you have at some point overstayed your welcome? And now they feel it could happen again and it has made them back-off.
Why don't you ask them out for Sunday Lunch, tell them that you won't be stopping as you have to get back for a, b or c.
Just drive over, have lunch and then leave for home, straight from the restaurant.
If it is the overstaying, it may make them relax a bit.
If they can't this Sunday, ask them when they're free.
I really hope that you can sort it out.

I'd be uncomfortable with what seems to be rather demanding behaviour - requesting time, suggesting holidays, criticising other GPs, jumping on 'facts' that have been withheld then come to light.
As has been said, you come over as 'needy' and that's a rather unattractive trait. Back off a bit.

I know this sounds hard, but I think we have to just go with the flow - do stuff with family when they initiate it (if it is something we want to do) and otherwise just get on with our lives.

Occasional comments like "You know we are happy to help with the children any time" (if that is what you feel) leaves the ball in their court and means they do not feel hassled.

Once they think you are being "needy" they will back away.

I think your daughter is lying to you because you keep making all the suggestions to join them on a break etc and they really do want to be on their own but she doesn't want to upset you. I can see why you think she's being unfair because the in laws just turn up whenever they feel like it and by being more respectful you get to see them less. It would be fairer if they told the inlaws to back off but maybe her husband wouldn't accept that. Why don't you ask her to be straight with you and explain without getting upset or playing tit for tat how you feel and ask her what you can do about it. I know when my kids were young and I was working full time I would have been horrified by sharing our breaks with other people. It's hard enough to get quality time with your husband when working full time and have kids without the parents muscling in. Why not offer to have them for a few hours so they can do he decorating, have a date night or just some time together with no kids.

Absent I think blaming the in laws is a step too far there is some reason we aren’t privy too ( and maybe Madmeg doesn’t know either) that her daughter prefers her in laws around the children perhaps it is as simple as they live round the corner (metaphorically) or perhaps there is more to it but she is obviously going out if her way to not involve madmeg
As Eglatine says there has to be more to this than you realise as it’s your own daughter and you can’t think of anything that has upset or annoyed her You sounds if you get on with your son in law so it’s not that, I think you have to ask outright but be prepared for a fudge and further lies and possible have it turned on you that you are imagining it and making a mountain out of a molehill and you might never get the truth
Strange story

She lied because she knew you wouldn’t like the truth. Which was nothing sovery awful. Just that they had booked a family break without you.

So why was she afraid to tell you that?

I don’t know. I’d suggest a frank “what’s going on?” talk with her, but only if you can do it without getting upset and can listen honestly to the answer.

Somethings adrift in your relationship. I don’t think it’s necessarily to do with the other grandparents though.

Your DD's in-laws sound a little bit controlling and intrusive – that's not uncommon with mothers of sons. Before anyone bites my head off, I am well aware that there are also many mothers of sons who, very wisely, do not see themselves as the most important person in their adult son's and his family's lives. However, the former can become a real pain in the neck. Maybe your DD just longs for some time with just her husband and children and that is why she seems to be putting you off. As you are her mother, she probably assumes that you understand how she feels without her saying anything.

I should let everything relax for a while without making any requests –or demands – about seeing your grandchildren. See how things work out and, perhaps, then invite the family to lunch or afternoon tea at your house or somewhere nice in between where you both live when you do the entertaining – without stressing that you will pay, which can be very irritating and embarrassing to those on a fairly tight budget. Your DD is probably pretty tired with a six-year-old and a two-year old and might appreciate a little treat rather more than suggestions about sharing precious holiday time.

Really, how much time they spend with the other GPs and what they do on their own schedule is not your concern.

Sometimes it's not what you say but how you say it.

Have you passive-aggressively commented about not seeing the children?

Have you been after them constantly to see the children?

Have you complained about the time they spend with the other GPs?

You're not entitled to know their schedule. I wonder if maybe she lied because she knew you would be mad and it was easier for her to lie.