Paying for occasional baby sitting to grand parents & how a child minder could impact this arrangement?

Bloody ell. I wouldn't dream of taking money for looking after my dad. My dd does sometimes give me a little for petrol for shopping but only as I go a few times a week for her. I wouldn't take this if I wasn't on about 4.00 per hour at present. Never would ask for anything for looking after my little love.

You are in a very unusual situation op. The boot is more usually on the other foot with grannies and grandads delighted to help the young family out financially whether through free childcare or providing holidays, school trips, and all the other expenses necessary in bringing up kids today. Often, though not always, grandparents are in a better financial position at this stage of our lives than our children so we consider it a privilege to lighten the burden in any way we can. If your pil are reasonably financially secure I can't think why they would charge you in this way ...especially for the normal child care grandparents give while parents have a night out.

I think you should continue your kind attitude in allowing mil lots of access to the grandchildren...but only when you or dh are are around so that this cannot be considered childcare. With another child on the way you are clearly not in a position to give the pil treats like meals out ext so this should stop immediately. Maybe suggest a lunch out suggesting in advance that you should go dutch as you will soon have significantly less income because of the new baby. This would set the tone for future arrangements. Who knows ...they might even treat you!

muffinthemoo
'granny pimp'
Love it.

Which is a lot more relevant than the odd 20 quid to granny

Just to add GC attends Creche full time during the week this costs €850 it’s simply not feasible to add another child into that cost which is why we are looking into alternatives for the full time arrangement.

Second paragraph of original post Flexible

I have five grandchildren from 30 to 8 years old and over the years have helped their parents with child care to enable them both to work. I would never dream of accepting money for this as it is done with love. I am now 75 and meet the youngest two from school at least twice a week, take them home and stay with them until their Mum comes home from work. In the school holidays I help out as needed. My D H does think I do too much but knows it makes me happy to help out and like me would never view what I do as a financial transaction.

I thought she was talking about fulltime childcare for baby no.2 as well, I wouldn't entrust a young baby to an au pair so if she's looking for full time care I'd think a full time childminder is a good option and would be far happier paying someone with support and training over someone without.

But you re talking about something completely different Flexible you are talking about paying your sister as a business arrangement on a daily basis The original post is about having grandchildren for the odd hour or the odd sleep over that is a totally different scenario and one 99.:9% of grandparents would do with love not money signs in their eyes in fact most would give their eye teeth to spend positive time with their grandkids

Same as others on here, I have been looking after my Dgc for the last 20years, full time when Dd went back to work and now do school pickups and have them until 6ish.
I have them for nights out and weekends away and any other time.
Obviously, I wouldn't dream of taking money for this, in fact I would have been insulted if offered money.
Anyway, this doesn't help your situation.
Why don't you just say to your Pil that you are going to get an au Pair for when the baby arrives, you don't even need to mention Mil's babysitting at all until you have everything set up.
Then you can say that off course she's welcome to visit the Gc anytime but the babysitting situation is now obviously covered with the AuPair.
That way there is no actual awkward conversation of not being able to afford Mil.

When I was expecting my first child I fully intended to return to work full time asap. The prospect of finding child care was daunting to say the least. My Parents were both dead so Grand Parents were never an option as my Mother in law also worked full time. I knew my sister looked after another child on an informal basis so asked her how she felt about becoming a registered childminder and looking after my son 5 days a week and she jumped at the chance. I paid a bit less than the going rate as I had to travel across London to get there but I didn't do it because it was cheap, I did it for the peace of mind of having someone I trusted implicitly to look after my son. It worked well for us for years because we treated each other with respect and I always tried to keep it on a business footing, as in I never took liberties, always phoned ahead if I was going to be late etc. still paid in full if I was on holiday or off sick so she didn't need to have him. She in turn treated him like he was her own, even still had him when he had measles unlike most other childminders. I don't see anything wrong with paying family to look after children if you can afford it. I also think there's nothing wrong with charging for it especially if you need the money. I do think most family would charge less than a stranger would and I'd be wary of being seen as a cash cow but on the other hand as I was in a very well paid job I didn't want to be taking advantage either. It all depends on the individuals involved and their circumstances and of course the quality of care.

When I went back to work after my DD was born I only did 2 mornings a week. Because my husband worked shifts he was often able to cover but if he was working my mum would do it only on the basis that I paid her. It wasn't a chore for her as my DS was at school and my DD an easy going child and mum always loved to get out of the house. I agreed as a regular childminder would not have been prepared to be so flexible around my husbands shifts. Sometimes she only did 3 or 4 mornings a month but I still had to pay her. I've always said that when my DC have children I will do free childcare when I can. My mum is now in her 80's and expects us to look after her !

I don't see anything wrong with being paid.
If a grandparent could do with the money, and the parents are happy to pay (less than the going rate, probably) then everyone is happy.
I dont think its proof of loving your children more by working yourself into the ground for nothing.

I'm astounded that you pay MIL. If I'd charged at this rate I'd be a millionaire. Even when DH and I were on our uppers and having GD1 much of the time when she was a baby and toddler we never dreamt of charging.

I have looked after my daughter's 2 children from the day they were born (they are 15 and 16 years old now).....her ex husband's parents also share the child care.
We have not been paid a penny and we don't expect it. My daughter is very thoughtful and often drops off some groceries etc. or takes me out for dinner. She is a single parent. Although I am divorced and hence, not flushed, I don't mind helping out, because that's what we parents do. And I adore my grandchildren....I picked them up from school today....they are old enough and strong enough to walk home, but since I was around, I told them I would pick them up.

I had to pay my mil to look after our son. She would write down all the days, hours and cost on a whiteboard and place it where it could be seen from the front door. I didn't mind paying some money, but eventually he went to creche which was on site where I worked.

On the other side of the coin, I have taken my own mother to hospital appointments, family weddings, fetched and taken her home at Christmas (it's a 50 mile round trip along difficult roads) days out and any other times she wanted to avail herself of a weekend break at our house. Not once has she ever offered to pay for the petrol, contributed to a family meal or even appreciated my efforts.

If you feel unhappy and resentful, then choosing an alternative is the way to go. You may find, however, that you prefer your mil to continue if things don't work out. I wonder though, if you were to say to them that you cannot afford the fees they want, would they withdraw their 'services'?

It's worth a discussion - not a confrontation - where ALL of you can put forward your thoughts so that everyone knows about any difficulties. I don't suggest a formal meeting, try to keep it friendly over an evening meal or drink. You are adults after all and no one needs to feel hurt if the discussion is kept open and honest.

Hey ho - families are funny things!

When DD had a serious accident we lived with her for three months and did not even think of charging her for our care, She is our daughter. It is what parents do, if they can.

She was appreciative and took us out and away several time to say thank you.

HannahLoisLuke I agree overall that being given something, particularly if money is tight might in some circumstances be appropriate. But this arrangement seems an unreasonable arrangement and expectation. And being expected to pay for a parent to sit with their own adult son who is ill? (see Mannys subsequent post later in thread) ...that is seriously breaking into normal, caring family relationships isn't it?

No ones saying they cant be given something ..but not at the expense that it seems to be taking OP you started of too high it should have been much less. She is not a qualified nanny or baby sitter.
My mum used to come to the uk to take care if my children when they were little
I made sure we gave her something weekly .she hated it but we insisted. It was not a lot to us but would have helped her greatly.She used to refuse the airfare so really she was spending so much more in a way but the love and care she gave.
OP should put a stop get someone else the gravy train has to stop.
Very unfair to everyone concerned since granmother cant stand up to the bully of a hudbsnd and father .Its best you stop now otherwise your relationship will be ruined all that talk about the finabncial situation of the grand parents is irrelevant..
Im cross and sad on your behalf

I'm going to go against the grain here I'm afraid. Why shouldn't grandparents be paid something for childcare? It's a huge responsibility and if done full time it takes over your life. Occasional babysitting is different but a small payment is still a nice thought, especially if your Mil needs a little extra income. I agree that the terms you've outlined are very expensive as its family and seems to have got out of hand.
It just makes me cross that young parents today often (not always) blithely have children and just take it for granted that their parents will take on childcare for free so they can go back to work and carry on earning for their own lifestyle.
I often see quite old men and women pushing buggies to the park and to be honest they look exhausted.

I was gobsmacked to read that a man would expect his wife to he paid for looking after their own DGC. He sounds most unpleasant but I am sure when he is older and needs help he will expect you and your DH to do everything without being paid because "That's what families do". Good luck with the discussion.

Our babysitting circle in the 70s used cuurtain rings. I was happy to babysit but my ex never wanted to go out so I ended up with most if the curtain rings. Those who were prolific users of the babysitting were often not that keen in babysitting for others.

Go for it with the arrangements you can afford and explain to your PiLs why you are doing that.
It's a pity if MiL misses out on visits with her DGC without other adults there but you can emphasise that she and/or FiL can have visits any time they want.

You can sort out your financial situation, you can't sort out the PiLs' attitudes.

I would go down the childminder route if I was you. I would think that would be less expensive than an au pair and would mean your home would still be yours without having anyone living in which could cause more problems. Sharing your home with someone else cannot be easy. Your father-in-law sounds very like my Grandfather, happy being bloody miserable. Your mother-in-law can still visit when she wants but not any paid visits. As you visit them often too you cannot be accused of not letting them see the children.
As for date nights, do you have any neighbours or friends that you could babysit for them one night then one of them look after yours another night. That’s what my husband and I did when ours were young as we didn’t have any parents living close by. This worked very well for us.

How can a grandparent accept payment for looking after a grandchild? It's a privilege, not a job.

Have babysat all my grandchildren quite a lot over the years. Never received and definitely never expected or wanted any payment. It's just ridiculous. Your parents in law will be sorry when they don't see their GCs.