Paying for occasional baby sitting to grand parents & how a child minder could impact this arrangement?

The bit that boggles with me is paying his mother to watch over your DH after his procedure and sedation. I don’t know anyone anywhere who would expect money for watching their adult child when ill plus DGC.

Families do this as a matter of course.

Another aspect though, maybe don’t blame your MiL of your FiL is being domineering over this. One of my grandfathers wouldn’t let my grandmother help with GC because he wanted her attention and he said they had ‘done their bit’.

When he sadly passed, my grandmother helped where she wanted and got stuck in. it had been him stopping her.

Could FIL be ill or going into dementure as he does not seem to be a "normal" person even if he has a money infatuation.

Mammy - a difficult situation for you and you have been really honest in your posts, including that you realise this situation should not have been agreed to ...hindsight is a wonderful thing!

I do think you have to be honest that the financial arrangement for babysitting is financially beyond you. Therefore you are looking for a cheaper alternative. That conversation needs to be had with both of them together. If MIL gets upset, you have to say (in front of FIL) that you would love the GC to be looked after by her because you and they value the relationship etc etc but you quite simply can't afford it. You need to keep repeating that fact whatever is said back to you by either IL. even though that will be hard if MIL is upset.

I also wonder if, next time you are helping out with lifts etc for FIL/MIL you should ask to be paid for the petrol ...I know this may feel uncomfortable but I think it MIGHT make FIL think! If he says he can't/won't pay then you could really go for it and say, sorry can't do it then as our financial situation is stretched! (are your ILs financially stretched BTW?)

I do realise that the above might feel difficult but it might be worth thinking about a version of this strategy!!

Let us know how you get on and what you decide

I'm shocked to think of anyone being paid to babysit their own grandchild. Would never occur to me, it's one of the joys of grandparent-hood surely?

Why do posters feel the need to go on about the OPs admitted desire to have a "Date Night" ...it's just a modern phrase for a bit of time together! She has explained in her posts that they have had a really hard time in the last couple of years and that some time as a couple to have an uninterrupted conversation is really helping them as a coup-le!! That is hardly "self indulgent"

I would never take a penny for looking after all my GC I don’t even take petrol money from my AC. I think you can only be direct here, just say you have a dilemma, you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but ..... and relay the facts as kindly as you can and see what she’s comes back with. She just may offer you a solution !

Without knowing the financial circumstances of your in laws it’s difficult to pass judgement so to speak.... I would never dream of “charging” to babysit my dgs.... nir the family pets!!! Perhaps for your date nights you could look into setting up a local babysitter sitting network with other families?

WTF! Being paid to spend time with your gc! When I went back to work p/t (30 years ago), my mum and mil shared 3 days childcare. Mil happily accepted payment - which we couldn't really afford - but my parents were furious that we even offered to pay, saying it was a privilege to spend time with gd and they certainly didn't want money for doing it. I now look after my 2 gc and wouldn't dream of accepting a penny!!!

Mil is punishing herself by not standing up to this control freak. If she loves her evenings with her gc so much maybe it will give her the courage to stand up to him. You sound a lovely caring couple but must do what is best for you and let them sort their own relationship out. Maybe get your friends together for a baby sitting circle too. We also did ‘dish nights’ with friends on a Friday or Saturday once a month. All the kids arrived in their Jamas and slept in one room and we each brought a prepared dish to share and took turns at each other’s houses where we often played silly games. We had such a laugh and it didn’t cost much.

I agree with everyone else: get your childcare on a stable, affordable routine that does not involve your in laws. You can’t afford it, and this arrangement will wreck what relationship you guys have with them. Never pay someone you can’t fire.

MIL can visit any time for free, but no more babysitting. Just standard granny visiting. No one pays grannies to visit their grandkids, so you won’t be paying FIL for that.

FIL is acting as some sort of bizarre granny pimp here. That can’t go on.

Have babysat my grandchildren for over 15 years, long sessions, short ones, weekends, absolutely anything we can find to look after them. Never asked for money or been offered any except when my DD went back to work for a few weeks for her maternity leave. And then, because she was earning money, she paid me the going rate for childminding. Only because she was earning money did I accept any payment. I would be offended to be offered money and wouldn't want my grandchildren to think we only had them to make a profit out of them. They know they can spend time with me/us at any time, for any reason, and for as long as they like. As a result they say to me that my home is their second home, and we have a fabulous relationship.

I have skipped the second page of posts, so do apologize if I repeat something that has already been said, though I share the incredulity expressed in replies on the first page of the thread.

Your FiL's attitude to money has made me wonder: In the future, as they get older, if he or MiL need help from you and your DH, do you think he would expect to pay for any 'help' that you provide, on the same hourly basis. Indeed, do either of you ever do anything for them now, and if so, does he pay? If not, he is a hypocrite as well as a money-grabber!

There lots of grans out there on a low income who do accept a small payment to cover costs of regular childminding (though I don't personally know any who take anything for a few hours ad hoc babysitting), but there is a huge difference between accepting a token payment for expenses, and charging as if it were a proper job. It sounds so mercenary!

I hope that a little conversation explaining that you can no longer afford to continue this arrangement goes down ok. As MiL loves her DGC so much, I really can't imagine that she will forgo seeing them on a regular basis, no matter how your FiL reacts to it.
Good luck

I've never heard of grandparents being paid for babysitting. I have a friend who lives in UK. Her grandchildren are in New Zealand. She goes there for 6 weeks a year to look after them during school holidays. This is at her own expense.

I was appalled at reading this then felt guilty perhaps you MIL needs the money, if so well so be it. I looked after my precious grandson two days a week with a 2 1/2 train journey each way and it was my privilege and pleasure to do I spent valuable time with him and our bond is close he is now at school with a busy life but I go whenever possible there is no money in the world and is equal to time with my grandson. Please try to talk with both MIL and FIL together and she what can be sorted out surely they want to help? And both could do this together more fun surely. Good luck

Goodness, I feel so sorry for your MIL, Mammy! Your FIL sounds horrible - your poor husband, knowing that his own father regards his son as a cash cow (bull??) even when he (your Dh) has been ill and needs some care.

I'm assuming that even if your MIL no longer babysits, she'll still come and see the GC anyway, e.g. at weekends?

Grannyknot, using beads for babysitting hours was inspired! We had tokens we made from old cornflake packets. I recall the time we were all very shocked to discover one member was abusing our trust by manufacturing their own, in order to get extra babysitting hours. Heinous crime!

Someone's husband had access to a laminator so we had laminated tokens from then on. Back then, we thought that made them impossible to forge - such innocent times!

When I was a child minder I used to look after my granddaughter for one day a week and charged 50% of the hourly rate. As it was only one day a week and you were only allowed 3 children under 5 it cost me a lot of money from turning down several offers of children needing a full time placement. Why not offer her half the hourly child minding rate as perhaps they have financial problems.

"treated them whenever we could, always helped out with lifts when they’ve needed been very generous on family nights out or taken them away for a few nights etc." - well shouldn't you consider telling them you can no longer afford to do this for them?

Like many other responders, I can hardly believe your MIL charges you to look after her GC. I have never come across it before, and in have many friends and family who look after their GC and are delighted to do so. As will I if and when some arrive.

With a new baby coming along this sounds like the ideal time to raise the subject without a row, you have the perfect excuse. Just say that in all the circumstances you can no longer afford to pay, which is the truth, the ball is then in their court. I wonder with such large sums involved whether you could not work for a bit. I suppose MIL should stand up to FIL if she wants to see her GC without being paid but that is not your problem.

I agree that "date night" sounds ridiculous and childish.
Are you two American teenagers?

These people are your family.
They are treating you like strangers. The only people I'd consider required pay would be proper childminders.
Would they be suitable as childminders out in the free market due to age?
I suggest that your father in law gets registration with the council as a child minder, Mother in law too.
Until then they are merely two elderly people cashing in.

I am the babysitter for my grandchildren so that for those times daughter DOESN'T have to pay! Grandpa does some days and I do others. Granddaughter goes to nursery and there are half terms and holidays and after nursery times or if she is sick.

Grandson is at school and I drove 45 minutes last Tuesday to collect him before daughter started work and took him home, then back again to collect small sister at 3.30 and give tea and bath her and have her ready in PJs when mum got home.

I love being with them and although I find it tiring am sad that the hours are fewer this year. I not only do not get paid, I assume if daughter asks me to take them shoe shopping that I will pay for the shoes or whatever too.

You are obviously such a caring, thoughtful DIL that many of us on this website wish that you belonged to us! FYI, our DIL has not spoken to us for 10 months now and refuses to let us know what it is that has so badly upset her. Would you like to be our adopted DIL?

In your place I would try to talk to MIL when your husband is present, BUT most men leave that sort of thing to their wife, don't they, so that may not be feasible.

I would start by saying how much you appreciate all MIL's help, then explain as you have here that all your expenses are going to go up when the new baby arrives and that you just do not know how you are going to manage.

Be as firm as you can, your last post sounds as if you have made up your mind that you are going to find a cheaper option.

I feel you are right to be concerned the one day your children might feel that their grandma had to be paid to be with them. Mention that aspect too to your MIL.

I hope you get through this without a full scale row.

I do appreciate that you and your DH need a night out now and again, so I hope you find a good baby-sitter or perhaps another young mother or father who would be willing to baby-sit for you on your date night, if you, or DH baby-sat for them on their date night.

I do loads of babysitting for my dgc but wouldn't dream of asking for payment! I am here to help my DS and ddil to bring up their children, not to make money out of them. You need to speak to MIL and explain to her that you can't afford it any more and she needs to brave up to FIL.