Paying for occasional baby sitting to grand parents & how a child minder could impact this arrangement?

I used to look after my grandhildren 5 days a week in my house as I'm a childminder as well, I was paid a little mainly for food and drink as it was 7.30 - 6. So a lot of food and drink involved and my daughter and her partner were happy to pay this. But weekends and evenings when I wasn't working as a childminder was a joy and not paid for. And now I'm not needed to look after them during the day, any time spent with them is free and fun time.

I look upon looking after my GC as a privilege. I'd pay to do it!! We have them staying over a lot & we live it.
Join a babysitting circle or start one.
When mine were young we worked on a voucher system with other mins in village. We all started with vouchers for 5 hours sitting & you give sitter the right amount of vouchers for hours they sat. Obviously to get vouchers you had to sit. If worked really well & children knew sitters as they were at pre school/school with their children.

The first thing I would do Mammy is, with your DH, talk to your in laws and explain that as much as you appreciate their help and value the relationship they have with their GC, that you simply can no longer afford to pay them in the way you have been doing, especially with another baby on the way.

Hopefully their relationship with you, their son, GC and the new baby will be more important than being paid for baby sitting.
Congratulations by the way.

I just can't believe that parents/parents-in-law would even THINK of charging for babysitting!
How bizarre.... and how sad.

Would the MIL be more expensive than child minder/au pair? I would have a word with MIL and just do a set rate as per the childminder rates for the day care and extra if there is a date night. I am presuming that your older child is too young for childcare help from the government.
End of the day, discuss the problem and explain why you need to look at these options to your MIL. I would feel devastated if my children felt they couldn’t talk to me about this.

I'd just put it straight as it is. As you have said, you're happy for her to visit any time so it's not like you're telling her she's not wanted on a personal level, you just don't want to pay her for babysitting any more - or at least not at the rate being charged. Be polite of course, but I don't see that under the circumstance you have outlined there are any particular reasons to be extra sensitive about it.

I have my 3 on the same nights every week whether DDiL is working or not. it just makes it easier than chopping and changing. I have them an extra night depending on DDiL's shifts, but if they want to have a date night, peaceful night in or whatever it makes no difference to me.

Mammy.Where does the word 'love' come into this arrangement?
I would take any opportunity to baby sit GC of mine as they soon grow up and you then feel superfluous to 'requirements'.To be offered payment I would feel insulted. If so hard up then were travel costs involved may be a different matter.What a money pinching selfish old g** of a FIL you have and soooooo sorry for MIl.

Grasping grandparents or do they need the money perhaps. My opinion is that "do you need these date nights? We three boys in four years, rarely went out because we couldn't afford it and to be honest quite content at home, but we did have friends come to visit us regularly and we to them. Happy days!!!!

How old are the IL's? Possibly in the future they'll need help with their care and odd jobs, then you can charge them, and a professional gardener, say, for mowing the lawn would cost at least £15 per hour. What would they say to that?

I live nearly a four hour drive away from my DGC so don’t get to see them every weekend. When I do go and look after them whilst DD and DSIL are working I normally stay over for a few days, sometimes even a week or more during school holidays. At no time would I ever accept any payment from my DD.

Mammy
I'm shocked
€850...per week or per month? Either way it's a HUGE amount.

Mammy.
I feel sad for you and the situation you are in regarding having to pay the children's own grandparents to look after them. I have never heard of this arrangement before, so it is a bit of a shock to know that this happens.
Your FiL sounds very mean regarding money and maybe if it was just down to your MiL she would do it willingly for free.
Like some others on here, I belonged to babysitting circles when mine were very young, we were a military family and travelled extensively so unless we formed these groups we had no grandparents close by to help out.
I think I would enquire how much a fully registered childminder costs - versus what you pay the in-laws, not an aupair as you would have no privacy then as she would have to live in.
Another thought is .... does your MiL come sometimes on her own to mind the child.? Could she offer to do it for free on those occasions if he is not there. Or would he expect the payment anyway. I am guessing the answer is yes he would.
What a difficult situation for you. Do you live near to any other family or friends who could occasionally help out so that you could have a breather for just a couple of hours.
It sounds like you work quite long hours and need to get out now and then.
I would have a family meeting fairly soon now you are pregnant again and tell them it's going to be unaffordable to pay for their services in such a way for much longer, and will have to consider other childcare options once you have another baby as well. Your FiL might not like it but as you are the ones paying out it is entirely your choice who you pay.

How sad, you you have such a mercenary FIL and how stressful having all that worry about your finances.
It is a joy and a privilege to look after my DGD and my husband feels exactly the the same.
We would never look for any remuneration, just being with her is the best thing ever. My husband was just saying this morning that the house is too tidy and quiet, as she isn't here.
I hope you find some sort of resolution.

Sorry about all the spelling errors - sent from my mobile!

I posted about how we got here but don’t think it saved so here is a summary.

FIL is stubborn, moody, unsocial, fixated on money, won’t spend a penny on anything and in general takes the good out of most things. He is an external complainers (to hot/ to cold/ to much rain/!to much sun) just a very passive and miserable person who must be very very difficult to love with. I’d he won’t the lottery he would probably complain about how he spends it.

MIL hates conflict, but adores GC, also suffers from depression at times. GC gives a new lease of live and purpose.

When they were young sister babysat and they went out probably 2 nights a week. However granny wa a childminder and they paid for after school pick ups so in his mind they had to pay so why shouldn’t we?

He won’t say this out loud but he would drive the sanest person to the brink with his constant moaning non stop.

Husband and I hav e had a very difficult 2 years , a very serious life threatening Ilness, loss of a job. Loss of a parent all whole adjusting to being a new parent , we had asked for help but it wasn’t really forthcoming , husband couldn’t understand as MIL only talks about love for GC and how she is their world etc etc.

Husband asked outright is there a reason why she didn’t help with occasional sitting? Was told that FIL sees it as a services should be paid. He is the kind of person that If you got a new kettle he would keep check of how much it is and “how well of you are”.

So we decided if he wants the money that bad and it keeps MIL out the Josie every now and again why not pay her instead of a sitter. But the actual fact is it hurts both myself and my husband dearly. We have always been close to them , treated them whenever we could, always helped out with lifts when they’ve needed been very generous on family nights out or taken them away for a few nights etc.

It hurts greatly that FIL can’t see this and treats us as a financial institution equally it hurts that Mil knows this isn’t right but won’t stand up to him and tell him how awful he is making it for everyone.

He is the most passive frustration person I have come across in a long time. Husband is equally sad but knows his father and how he thinks so believes this was the best agreement.

We should never have got involved in this way. For reference Creche cost did 2 full time is €1600 a month! So we are looking at 2 days Creche (which is great for social skills) and 3 days childminder / au pair which would reduce the cost dramatically.

At the same time feel we are punishing MIL but I simply can’t afford this arrangement and it’s starting to make me resentful at FIL greedy and selfish attitude.

My Mother always charged for babysitting, when I was on my own with DS1 I got a 6 hours bar job, 1975, I earned 8£ she charged 5£ to babysit.
Later when she visited us if we were going out we still had to get and pay for the normal babysitter.
Luckily they were mostly students, friends children as the first thing she did when we left was switch off the TV and sit and knit, they were well warned and always brought books.

Date night is just a term! It’s any reason to leave the house , together go to the bathroom in peace, have an adult conversation that can last for 30 seconds without being interrupted ☺️

luckygirl get up from below the parapet you are spot on,I too find it a self indulgent term whats wrong with a plain old night out with your husband or does that not sound right when in the company of others,think "Cheshire Housewives"
(Replace the parapet with a tin hat)

Like most on here, I provide care, school pick-ups etc for my GC because they are my family and I love them; not because anyone pays me. I would not dream of asking for money!

As to "date nights" - not a "thing" when I was a young Mum. Dare I say that this sounds a bit self-indulgent (ducks below parapet!).

Icould never call looking after my DGCs babysitting I call it a pleasure & joy to have them.
The FIL in this post is certainly out of order demanding payment imo something my husband would never think of,in fact he would be more likely to treat any one of my DCs to a meal out when we had the children on what is commonly now called "date nights",very strange indeed.

I have never and would never accept money for spending time with my beloved GC.

When our C were young my Mother and Step Father lived abroad and my Father and Step Mother lived 2 hours away, with full time jobs and young children. We had an au-pair for 6 months as our "Nanny" was on maternity leave with her 2 child. It was an interesting experience for all concerned, not ideal for full time childcare!!!

My jaw dropped when I read the OP. Grandparents charging for every bit of babysitting they do. I have never heard anything so outrageous.

If they were providing 5 day a week childcare, you might well feel you need to insist on them taking some money from you, but for ordinary occasional babysitting - the mind boggles.

Personally, in your situation, I would stop using them for any babysitting. If you have to pay someone, pay professionals that you can sack if they are inadequate, rather than amateurs that you do not want to annoy, in case they decide not to come.

I think the arrival of the new baby is the appropriate time to sit with your MiL and explain that you can no longer afford creche and paying her, so have made new arrangements, involving an au pair.

It is clear that she and FiL still see DGC a lot and that you are a loving and tolerant S and DiL, so there is no good reason for this to damage your children's relationship with their grandparents - unless they themselves decide to take umbrage and that is their problem not yours.

Have you any idea why FiL thinks they should be paid for occasional babysitting?

Wow.. I could hardly belief this thread. My daughter is expecting her first child soon and I am delighted that she has asked me to help have him a couple of days a week (and occasionally overnight.) It's a privilege to spend time with your grandchildren and certainly none of my friends with grandchildren get paid for looking after them. An occasional treat for your MIL and a thank you is all she needs. If there is no babysitting circle amongst your friends, try suggesting starting one. They do work well if you have the time to babysit for others yourself.

What surprised me is that you've always accepted this system of payment. I wonder how the very first discussion/ decision came about. I'd have thought that GP babysitting would always be free - unless a gran gave up paid work to take on child-minding duties.
Never heard of such a deal - either with my own children or the DGC!
GDad should have no say in arrangements since he clearly is not involved. Do they ever take the child out, pay for entertainment, buy clothes or little gifts, keep him overnight at their home?