Paying for occasional baby sitting to grand parents & how a child minder could impact this arrangement?

Mammy, do let us know how you got on.

mammy I agree with others. No paying for babysitting. It sounds as though your MIL has a really tough time desperately wanting wo be with her grandchild but having a miserable bossy husband to deal with. Please take care not to cut her out because of her weakness in not being able to confront this bossy man. She sounds delightful. He sounds awful. Good luck with the new baby.

I think there is a difference between babysitting whilst parents work and sitting whilst they go out. Some grandparents have given up paid work to help out family members so should have some recompense.
I think JustGrandma and her family have worked out a very satisfactory solution.

We are not babysitters we are grandparents and would not dream of expecting any payment to look after our GC. They are our world.

Let us know how you get on and what was said, Mammy. Good luck!

I'm glad this thread has helped you find the way forward, Mammy. As you'll have seen, your FIL is pretty much the odd one out!

Look if they love their grandchildren of course they ll do it as a perfect way to build up their relationship and give you a break Goodness me I have flown to Europe for a weekend to babysit and it would never enter my head to expect money You pay all expenses which is more than fair I usually fill the fridge up when i get there too I once flew over for a week with their then 18month old while they had a holiday it was a bit of a nightmare as the baby was ill while they were away but we managed ( she’s 18 years old now)
This is truely the first time I ve heard anyone pay for childcare with grandparents I certainly never paid my parents for all the help they gave me your father in law must be a right mean old tightwad

Really am a little overwhelmed with all the supportive messages ! Sincerely thank you.

Certainly has given me a different perspective , my parents have passed and no family so I didn’t have anything to compare this situation too.

I think maybe the reality is I feel guilty / very self indulgent having a few hours out of the house and therefore have felt absolutely this should be paid for but seems like it’s normal for parents to escape occasionally for an evening and have GP support them. I am surprised at the offers of sleep overs and collections , you GP sound amazing and no doubt the GC must adore the special tome they have with you all.

We both work very hard and I am very lucky that I have a good salary to support our family. For reference I don’t mind in any way paying expenses / petrol/ treats / small tokens / food etc it’s just that it is becoming so transactional (all down to FIL) at this stage that if I go to the shop for groceries while GP is there does that need to be paid? Sounds ridiculous I know but not being my parents I was just so grateful for having some “support” in whichever way it came.

I feel much more confident now about addressing the issue , thanks to everyone’s advice - I love the baby sitting circle idea will see if this is something can do with friends.

I would love to show PIL the response to this thread , it may be an eye opener.

In thirteen years we have never been paid for babysitting, childcare or mileage. In fact, we aren’t even left any food.
When the children come to us, or we take them out, that’s on us.
As for going out on date nights, this was way beyond our means when we had young ones. Put them to bed, buy an M n S meal for two, light some candles and spend time together at home.

How about you and your husband sit down and
1. carefully plan your budget
2.carefully plan your childcare
3.be independent and stop paying MIL to babysit.
4.have a conversation with MIL and FIL and tell them that in view of the new baby coming you have had to review your financial situation and future child care arrangements. Inform them of your decision. Tell them you can no longer pay for babysitting and stick to your guns.
5. reassure MIL that she is very welcome to visit.

I'm astounded by grandparents charging for babysitting their grandchild!

Mammy start up your own 'Babysitting Circle'. If you don't know your neighbours, go on your local neighbourhood Facebook, and ask if anyone would be interested. I know that this could be a bit 'dodgy', but have meetings first, so that you get to know each other. You will need an 'Organiser', to keep records. Then, for whatever time you use a babysitter, you will have to pay that time back by babysitting for someone else. We had one when I was young. Worked a treat!

As for 'date nights'. You don't have to go out and spend money on this. Get your child to bed, cook a special meal, and get out the candles!

Good luck!

I look after my son's boy 2 days a week as it would cost double the £480 they already pay the nursery for another 2 days and I can't help thinking that is an awful lot money. I will also babysit some evenings at their house if they need me to. I am having him for 3 days whilst his parents are having a city break to get some head space as my DGS's autism diagnosis has hit them quite hard and they just need a break from a very difficult situation. I wouldn't dream of charging them. As hard work as he is, I consider it a privilege to look after that little boy.
In between whiles, I also have a Grandaughter who I am happy to have or babysit for. I adore her and she adores me. It is a privilege to have her.
I think if your MIL gets so much out of it which help her with her depression, start charging therapy fees. I think you'll find that your fee for therapy trumps baby sitting fees. Or perhaps you could give her a discount and call it even Stevens. ?
I think your DH should be reading them the riot act.

This is a tricky one. I am my grandchildren's childminder - my daughter and son in law both work shifts in a hospital so we always knew childcare was going to be difficult because of covering late hours, night shifts, on calls, etc. Also, given the nature of their jobs their shifts never finish on time so there had to be flexibility. I had just retired from nursing when she was pregnant with the first baby, and I was going to maybe get a shop job a couple for days a week but decided to offer my services to my daughter instead. The way we work it is - if I'm looking after the babes to cover them being at work then they pay me. If it's just babysitting so that they can go out for a meal or something then I wouldn't dream of accepting money - that's just grandma babysitting. It's worked really well for us - it's not very much money to be honest, and nearly all of it goes straight back on the grandbabies, but the fact that they pay me makes it feel like a job and stops any resentment on my part. My daughter lets me know my 'duties' a couple of months in advance and adds money to my bank account. I always keep the whole month free before making appointments etc until I know when I'm needed, but if I have a holiday booked one of them will make sure they're off too, so I've never not been able to carry out my own plans.

I don't know the answer in your case, I really get how it started and it sounds like it made sense, but it's now become a pattern which is going to be hard to break. I don't like the sound of the father in law dictating how it should be. I think if you do end up getting an au pair then they'll just have to understand that you have the official childcare covered. And you've made it clear that it's an open door for them to visit, that they're welcome any time, so it's not like you're saying you don't want them to see the babes. Good luck with it all.

Have you thought of perhaps asking your MIL for her advice? Maybe bring up the subject by saying that having worked it out, you can't see how you're going to manage child care costs for two babies, as it's hard enough with just the one, and ask if she has any suggestions.

Just a thought, but it would certainly make her aware that you can't afford to keep paying her, and by asking for her advice, she might just decide to stand up for herself and tell your FIL that she's no longer prepared to charge you for a job which most grandparents would happily do for nothing.

As an aside, you don't live anywhere near me do you, as I'd love to be an unpaid childminder to your little darlings, my grandchildren are all grown up now, and I really miss the feel of a tiny chubby hand holding mine, or a sticky wet kiss just for being 'Nana'!

I do hope you can get things sorted out without too much strife, as being pregnant, all this worry is the last thing you need - maybe something your husband should point out to his parents if they don't see things from your point of view.

When DD went back to work full time I looked after GS1 and she made up the difference between my pension and the wages I had been earning (not a huge amount as I'd been part time) When he went to preschool we cut down the payments as I had less to do. With the two later GSs money hasn't been involved at all.

I cannot believe a grandparent would charge for looking after grandchildren. Most of us long to be asked. It is one of life's joys.I would say we can't afford them any more and have found someone more reasonable, very tongue in cheek, if that's a step to far I just wouldn't ask them. You see family out of love. You sound such a nice person and it's horrible to be put in this position, but they are being totally unreasonable. Is it double time if you are late?

I think it's a sad state of affairs Mammy.
I wouldn't dream of asking or expecting any financial recompense for looking after my grandchildren.
Your FIL sounds like a grabby horrible old man and your MIL isn't any better for going along with him. She may be brow beaten but we all have choices in life.
If you were considering allowing them to look after your children whilst you work, is it legal to pay them if they are not registered child minders? I'm unsure where you are, but in the U.K. it's not legal.
You sound lovely and clearly want to keep the peace and do the right thing for everyone. I don't think paying grandparents to see their grandchildren IS the right thing though....

I couldn't believe your text. I adore my grandchildren and regularly look after them / babysit and have hem to stay - they will often ask if they can come for a sleepover. I wouldn't dream of taking or asking for money to see them. I would put it to your in laws that with a new baby on the way you will have to limit your childminding needs and see what they say. or come up with. You have been extremely generous but they should recognise that this could not go on.

The free childcare crossed my mind too barbaranrod , but the OP gave costs in euros, so I guess she is not in this country (unless it was an error)?

what a very sad situation MAMMY is in ,i would not wish that on anyone ,,i have 14 grandchildren and 14 great grandchildren ,and have babysat them all at various times some grandchildren on a regular basis ,and have never ever expected money the only payment i ever wanted were kisses ,,i feel so sorry for her MIL ,and actually feel it is time they all stood up to this awful man ,it is only that nothing is said that it has carried on for so long ,,one thing MAMMY has not mentioned is that when a child is 3 dont they get 15 hrs free childcare from the government ?? would that not help ,,

Like everyone else I find the payment arrangement you have with the children's grandparents quite extraordinary, mercenary and exploitative. I can understand reimbursing a grandparent for costs incurred in caring for grandchildren if they are short of money. Costs such as petrol or bus fares, anything they may need to buy for the children while looking after them such as lunches, tickets etc but not an hourly rate. Looking after your grandchildren is a privilege and something that is done for the love of your grandchildren and to support your family. It is not a commercial transaction.

You say your mother in law is a lovely person and you want to support her involvement with the children and don't want to offend her but I would agree with those friends who are advising a conversation explaining that the current arrangement is neither reasonable nor sustainable and must be reviewed.

It would appear that your mil would not be able to stand up to her husband so you need to make the decisions for her. Explain to her that the vast majority of people regard grandparent care as a labour of love not paid employment or a "nice little earner" and a source of retirement income. You and your husband need to be very united on this and decide what you consider to be reasonable and financially sustainable and present it to your mil. Your fil is clearly from the " Arfur Daley" school of personal exploitation and sees money signs in everything. He is going to object to whatever options you propose that don't involve large amounts of money flowing his way. That's a given so be prepared for his response.

Good luck as this is not going to be easy but does need to be faced.

What a very difficult situation for you, I do hope you have found some of the suggestions helpful.

Like many others, I wouldn’t dream of ‘charging’ for my time with our grandchildren, my husband isn’t so keen on the actual ‘sitting’ but happily gives me a lift to the station, etc, as needed. BUT, in this particular case, we have been told that the FiL is quite (very) unpleasant and possibly jealous. I wouldn’t put up with such behaviour, but perhaps the MiL has been totally worn down by him. She wants to see the children and she may feel this is the only way. We don’t know how the FiL is with her when they are alone together, she may simply not be able to stand up to him.

BUT the situation can’t continue like this for many reasons. Lots of fantastic ideas from others on this thread, hopefully you will be able to put some of them into use. Do hope it all goes well. You sound a very thoughtful person. ?

If you do a bit of research you'll find babysitting hourly rates are virtually double childminding hourly rates.

It does seem unusual to charge for looking after grandchildren when the parents go out for an evening. An evening is not very long at all and meals would not need to be provided or prepared etc.

All day childminding is different because it might be from 7.30 am until 6.00 pm or even longer and may incur quite a bit of cost - food and petrol.

We’ve been looking after our 9 year old dgs since he was born!! We do school run 5 days a week - at least 2 nights he stays over with us - every school holiday he is with us - never have we ever accepted a penny piece for caring for him!! My dd does pay our petrol to cover the school runs but nothing else. I would be horrified if she offered us money to care for our gs!! We consider it a privilege to be able to be so involved in his life. We are both retired and living on our pensions so not exactly rolling in money but he is my child’s child!! Money doesn’t enter into it!! My other dd doesn’t live close by but we are still delighted to care for our 7 yr old dgs whenever we are needed and he loves coming to stay in the holidays and some weekends. Our reward is the close relationship we have as a family. That’s more than enough!!
I cannot understand any grandparent wanting financial reward for looking after their own flesh and blood.