Parents in law

I can’t help but wonder if they feel like the older child has been kind of left out since the birth of the new baby. I don’t know but maybe they are trying to compensate if that is in fact what they think. That is just my first instinct and I may be totally off base. I hope things work out.

Grandparents should stand back and not interfere when a child has a tantrum and certainly not reward the child with attention or sympathy.
I think one way to ward off tantrums is to give a child a timescale 'we are leaving in 10 minutes' then 'we are leaving in 5 minutes' etc.

In your position I would try to have a calm conversation with your IL's saying that you prefer them to stand back in such situations.

Re the holidays, booking one without your permission isn't acceptable. Tell them in future, you won't be guilt-tripped like that. I'm wondering where your DH comes in to all this. How does he feel?

The plus side is that your DD will certainly benefit from the close relationship she has with her GP's, and it also means you have more time to enjoy your second baby.

Not sure where you live but if they’re taking her on foreign holidays she must have her own passport. Officialdom is usually very strict about children being taken out of the country, even by a parent, if both parents are not traveling. This is because of the cases of children being abducted by one parent without permission of other.
I’ve heard of a few instances of a parent having a problem if child has last name of other partner - in one case it took several phone calls and birth certificate being found before mother was able to board plane with own son.
Maybe you can have some kind of discussion with them before next holidays and see if there’s any way you can scrape together the fare to go too. Somewhere reasonably priced.
Hopefully as your daughter gets older and more independent she will want to “do her own thing” and not want to spend so much time with grandparents.

I do so feel for you. I meet grandparents who are besotted and they are so boring! They have one topic of conversation.
Anyway, yes you need a gentle chat with them if you can arrange for Dd to be elsewhere and her Dad to be present. Btw I'm assuming he agrees 100% with you.
Another idea: ask them to look after the baby once a week while you take the 4 year old out. This will help them bond with the baby and give you special time with DD. Take her to the park, the dentist, to buy shoes, or to visit a friend and if possible to places she doesn't go with gran.
Good luck!

Whatever is said to inlaws needs to be said with your DH firmly and supportively by your side..if not actually saying whatever you have agreed is right for your family.
I would also plan ahead for the next school break and be arranging an overnight stay mid- week with an old friend/ relative, so that they can get to know your DC. I love my DGC & take them on hols & out on trips..but only after consultation with my DDs first.

Where is your husband/partner in this situation? What are his views? They are his parents and also his daughter. Your very young daughter presumably cannot travel to another country without parental permission. Are you both giving this? If so, why? No 4 year old "needs" to go on or values or will even remember foreign holidays.

I do wonder what sort of role she plays for the grandparents in their trips? A buffer between them in their relationship, a cute little mascot, a public sign of what "wonderful grandparents" they are? Who knows?

Before you consider any other action you need to have this discussion with your husband/partner. Obviously there are financial benefits for you to stay where you are while saving for your own house but this can also be a mighty big control mechanism. If your husband doesn't see any problems only benefits to the current arrangements then you have a very big problem.

If your husband shares even some of your concerns I would be looking for somewhere else to live, preferably some distance away, as soon as possible, acknowledging the financial downside but family upside. I'm all for loving, supportive grandparent involvement but not manipulative takeover behaviour. Good luck, I don't think this is going to be easy.

Always very difficult to row backwards when you have gone so far down the road of acquiescence.

Start by talking to your DH, as everybody says they are his parents. Then start saying 'No' on little things, like taking her out by herself mid week. Limit it to two half days. You do not have to tell them that just do it and next time they want to take her away at half term or in the short school holidays, say NO and stick to it, do not later give way.

Suggest to them that they take the baby out instead.

The only solution to this problem is discussing it with your DH, him talking to his parents and you sticking your toes in and saying no and meaning it

There isn't really any alternative.

I agree with Apricity. If finances allow I would be looking to move asap if I were you. I think it's possible that due to you living in their property they don't see you as a separate family unit. This set up can work well for some people but it doesn't appear that everyone is on the same page in your situation.

My brother bought a house only next door to our parents and my mom treated him like a child who still lived at home. Obviously not all parents do this when living close to their adult children but some do and I'd guess that as you live on their property your in laws don't see you as independent adults yet.

How were they when your second daughter was born OP? Did they want to hold her and make a fuss then? Could the treating them differently at the moment be due to being able to do more fun activities with a 4 year old?

It is a very awkward situation, you cannot let your need for cheap accommodation (are you paying any rent at all?) allow what is effectively moral blackmail. I am sure they would not want you to move away and lose contact with their grandchild, but you and your husband have to hold firm and flag this up as a possibility if they continue to be so possessive. As others have said, your full husband's support is crucial, he has to see this, although I am guessing he isn't used to saying 'no' to his parents, but it is all part of becoming a mature adult.

As for showing no interest in the baby, this will come once he/she starts walking and talking, a lot of people just don't seem able to relate to babies. But sit down with them and point out that you are very grateful of their help, but these are the areas where you really need it, and tell them what they can do. I personally think 4 is far to young for more than a single overnight stay, if that is your feeling too, then you and your husband need to say so, firmly. Good luck!

Firstly, the holidays can stop by you taking her passport away. It's lovely they want these holidays but as parents you should be there with her.

Secondly, you're right about how they should be telling her that she should do as mummy says. I hate it when this happens with my in-laws as it sets the theme of "well if mum/dad say no, I'll just ask granny".

Stop the holidays and look into moving sooner rather than later.

My exhusbands parents are besotted with my youngest.hes their only grandchild(hes now 15)but since birth theyve had their house festooned with his photos like some kind of creepy shrine.they used to have him at their house when he was little,as his dad went back to live with them,but something went wrong so i never let him stay after that.but we visit every couple of mths or so(we live 75miles away) but weve barely got in door before theyre asking when we'l be coming again.& they have a grown up daughter also but dont think shes going to be having kids so my sons ' their all'- they ring &get his auntie round too when we go&shes always trying to hug him etc&he doesnt like it.its all a bit much for him to be honest as hes got social issues.To be fair his nan does give my elder son xmas&birthday money&pop,crisps etc when we visit,just like with my youngest,but youngest definatelty the favourite even before his dad& auntie.

Wow - booking holidays for them and the child - amazing! I think you have a problem when they have booked it and paid for it, so somehow you are going to have to put your foot down and make it very clear that in future they can only do this is they have prior approval, and otherwise she won't be joining them. It is awkward for you when it is not your parents, but you must be able to have a say in all this

What strikes me in your post is - what is your partners take on all this. Can you not discuss it quietly and rationally with him? You need his support here and it should be your joint decision if your daughter goes on these holidays. What about your parents? Are they involved in having your daughter sometimes, maybe to stay in this country?

Yes i advise you must be firm with them- as for holidays say youve 'lost' the passport if you dont want to confront them over it- in fact it may be due for renewal after5 yrs- simply dont renew it& say as you cant afford a family holiday abroad yet youre going to wait&do it when you need it! And yes save as quick as you can and move a bit further away from them.(sounds mean i know but it works)Also what does your hubby think?get him onside.in meantime try get them to bond with the baby a bit more,your daughter will be nursery/school age now wont she?so theyl have less oppertunities for impromptu visits/trips away.she'l need a routine.things must change tell them firmly.

I often give my GC turns at holidays with me but not without parents being involved in planning& theyve not had passports till recently so its only been in britain.their first abroad holiday was with parents.just as they wanted it.

How about just saying No?
Book something else, lock her passport away , stand up for yourself.
Good luck!

Also if they take her out why cant they return her to your flat afterwards,as its only next door?saves a tantrum or at least they can just hand her over to you at the door& let you deal with her trantrum without being able to comment.

We are all different but I was only too glad when one of my relatives did much like what yours are doing. If its any consolation as children get older they have more say in who they want to be with so for now leave things as they are and be thank full they do so much and concentrate on your other child.

I love my grandkids equally(8)and have them stay at mine/go on hols.but first& foremost their parents have first say in what they can/cant do etc.

Put your foot down sharpish, dont stand any messing with your daughter either or they will all have you over a barrel.

How ridiculous.
They are only doing what you yourself allow them to do.
If you don't like it, what do you want us to do about it?
The remedy is in your own hands.
It's hard to believe that adults who have a good number of years under their belt, find it difficult to make decisions about their own lives (eye roll)

sarahellenwhitney may be giving you advice thats ok for her- but you clearly have a problem with their behaviour so dont listen- your daughters growing up more each day and is already reacting in a negative way to this behaviour from her grandparents.Nip it in the bud now or as she gets older she'l want to stay with them more& will tantrum to get her own way more.

Point out to them(your hubby included)that youve got 2children not 1- YOU want to spend time with BOTH- they can do the same or not at all.