Christmas and Birthdays

Yes. After sending a lovely card to daughter in law saying you having to budget and hope boys understand. Boys of their age will not give presents and cards a thought. You might as well be on the moon to them! Could you text them occasionally even if you just get about 3 words back. Very hard being the adult at times (don't I know).

I agree he's old enough to stop getting a present now, just a card. But I'd keep sending gifts to his brother until the brother is the same age, because some people get funny if you don't treat all the kids in a family the same - even the ones that are not actually related to you.

NP, I'm with many posts here. Do what you want/can. A card with a profound message and no mention of gift whatsoever. First one then becomes the norm unless your circumstances change and you want to revert. I'm more concerned by the fact that you haven't seen him (them?) for 4 to 5 years. Cannot understand this under any circumstances assuming you have an amicable relationship. Hope this whole situation improves for you and soon.

Nansypansy How old is you grandsons half brother?
Unless he too is working and able to afford to run a car then you could send a small gift voucher but I believe you should and in your circumstances cease any presents to your own grandson.. You have no obligation to or should you need to explain anything as surely he is old enough to understand your position. He should be sending you a present not the other way round.
A card to your grandson is ample




.

I have a similar “problem”. Our Granddaughter is in her mid twenties. She is the child of my sons first marraige. She doesn’t see her dad or myself and my husband. My husband insists on birthdays and Christmas in sending money to her the same as we give to other grandchildren. She does sometimes thank us. We never receive a birthday or Christmas card. We are friends on FB so even a greeting on that would be something. It’s so sad. We are not to blame for what happened between her parents and we would love before it is too late to have more contact. Also she may have regrets later if she doesn’t. I think I agree with my husband that in sending to her on birthdays etc at least we have some contact. Something may come out of it.

I agree with the majority but do what is right for you. We cannotwalk in your shoes. One word of warning though. We are all living longer and so we not only have grandchildren, I now have 5 grandchildren and our 6th great grandchild is on the way!

Do GNers send to their own adult children and not to adult GC? Interested in other views as my partner and I have different opinions on this.

I hate the thought of e-cards and Facebook cards. It is so easy to pick up the phone and say "hello".

Present stop at 18. It's the law.

I agree with other posters, a nice card with cheerful and meaningful words is just fine.

Also agree with NemosMum, a note or text now and then to show him that you love him, are interested in his life and are constantly thinking about him. It may seem one sided for now but behaviour breeds behaviour and you never know...….

There is no need to send him gifts or small amounts of money. A card on the birthday is fine. But at 22 it’s difficult for him to feel much connection with you. He doesn’t know you. It’s nice that your DIL has such a clear sense of duty.
What people in their 20s need, all the time, is money towards specific items such as tech and travel. Maybe you could have a chat with him on the phone about what he needs/wants, anything he’s going to try to save for and see how you can help. At least that will get a conversation going and help you to get to know each other again.

I always sent to my grandchildren and i always had to ask 'did you receive the parcel'? as they never let me know. Then when my grandson was 18 I sent a cheque and card, I did not receive any acknowledgement at all, so I wrote to him and said ' I know you received it because the cheque has been cashed, but as you can't be bothered to say thank you I can't be bothered to send anything else', that was 8 years ago and I have not sent anything since, not for Christmas or birthday. My granddaughter from my other son, she is now 11, has always written and posted a thank you , obviously she still gets gifts.

You have done really well in your circumstances to be able to afford gifts up to now. I agree with every body else and I would just send a card I only give presents until they reach 18 so congratulate yourself you are not mercenary.

I would continue to send to 10 year old but just card for adult one.

I stop presents for all children at 16. There are always new younger children joining the ranks. You just can’t carry on forever. I usually make the final present special.

just send a nice birthday card and the same for christmas. maybe some scratch cards . this is what i do...and then they have the added money if they win on the scratch cards .....

if you were my kids grandmother id be happy that you were sending them a card xx

Definitely no presents after 18 years old. Especially if they're working. I agree with a previous poster on this thread, that if anything, they should be sending you a gift! A card only to let them know you are thinking about them should suffice.
As far as adult children are concerned, I try to help them out throughout the year but a small token gift to open on Christmas day is a welcome gesture from us.

I can totally see where you are coming from and each to his own My grandkids are my grandkids for ever whether I see them regularly or not and whether they are working or not so they will always get something from me as do my adult kids too but that’s just me if you feel you can’t afford it then I think the advice to explain to your daughter in law is fine You sound a nice understanding motherbin law I m sure she ll agree and see where you are coming from

Yes just send cards, we have a few nieces and nephews who are 18 - 19 we just send birthday cards now. We can’t afford to do it anymore and I they are happy to get a card.

I have 4 sons, all around your grandson’s age, so feel qualified to comment! I agree with what previous posters have said, now he’s an adult, any present from you will be appreciated, but not expected. Thanking you electronically (text, email, on FB) that’s how the younger generation communicate in writing these days. It sounds as if you would appreciate a visit from him now that he’s independently mobile. If so, invite him. Young men of his age don’t often think to do that of their own accord, or more to the point they think of it, but don’t get around to doing it! It’s no reflection on you, or what he thinks of you. I’m sure you’re correct about your dil’s role in the past. Perhaps you could mention it to her too. My sons often talk of visiting my Dad, who is their one remaining GP, but he is also 300 miles away and they don’t often make it!

Along with everyone else, I agree that just a card is all that is necessary now. However, if you feel uncomfortable with this, I'd suggest you let your Grandson know that he should buy something for himself with the money he would have spent on your present (!!!) and say you will do the same for yourself with the money you would have spent on his present. Then get yourself something nice (or just pretend if you don't wish to spend the money) and write in his Christmas card a little thankyou for the ... whatever!

We stop presents at 18 too. The only exception being that those we celebrate Christmas with are given a small present if they are over 18 and if we have agreed before hand that we give each other presents. Otherwise no presents.

Like the others say, this is not being mercenary, just sensible.

As everyone's circumstances, family history, geographical proximity to GC and finances are different, there isn't really a one size fits all!
Agree with others, adult grandchildren/nieces/nephews don't really need presents unless you wish to continue giving them and your finances allow this.
If he is your only GC and you can afford it, I would personally consider continuing to send a small present/money to him and review the situation if he settles down with a partner and/or has kids of his own.
Maybe continue with a small gift to your GS's half-brother anyway if you can until he is around 18 - seems only fair to him and your DIL to do so if possible.
Your DIL sounds lovely - is there any way you could visit for a long weekend and encourage GS to be there as well or, alternatively, invite them to yours? If not, maybe you could invite your GS to stay even for one night (maybe along with a friend/girlfriend) - just say you would love to see him sometime and he is welcome to bring someone with him.
You might also feel the benefit of writing texts/letters/ FB/WhatsApp messages to your GS and DiL telling them how things are with you at random times outwith birthdays and Christmas. Even if you don't get many replies, you may feel more in touch with them that way.

We have 8 grandchildren (all under 18), whom we are lucky enough to be able to see regularly. Adult nieces and our own siblings no longer get presents. Our AC and their spouses get birthday presents and, at Christmas, get restaurant vouchers (using supermarket points boost) along with a promise to baby-sit , so that we can concentrate on presents for the GC. We tell our AC not to buy us Christmas presents, so they usually just bring a bottle of wine or home-made goodies when they come to us around Christmas.

Nansypansy how lucky your are to have such a lovely DiL. It's important to keep the memories of his Dad in his life and you are an important link. So yes, a lovely card from you with a heartfelt message to maintain that and show him that you care.

I have a very tiny family- only one DD and one DGS so we do presents and cards as I have done for my DD for 48 years this year. However, they live abroad so I don't see them on a regular basis and don't get to buy the little treats like books and games, cinema trips etc for DGS during the year as I would if I saw them regularly.

Go with your gut feeling and explain that you'd love to keep in touch. I agree with the poster who said, invite him over and say you'd love to catch up and hear about his new life after uni and his job and see his new car.