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anger at family moving away?

(47 Posts)
red1 Sat 24-Nov-18 10:32:18

my family,moved to Ireland aug 17 to be near my DIL family. I was totally unprepared for it as it happened very quickly my son had a job offer ,sold house in a day and off they went!. im aware of the grieving process ,shock denial etc, had enough of them! for the past few months ive been stuck being angry at them for leaving. I know I don't own my kids or would want to, I have lots of friends and stuff to do.I know sadness and acceptance come later, in the process,I could go and live near them if I wanted
but Im so miffed at the moment ,anyone get stuck like this?
Emotions are funny things!

Franbern Sat 24-Nov-18 11:30:54

So sorry to learn how you feel.
It is so difficult when our children move away. My son told me he was going up to Manchester area. I can remember so well, the when he told me, we were sitting in his garden in his (and DiL's) house less than five miles from mine. BBC were moving his department and he was seriously considering going with them. I excused myself and went to their bathroom, looking into the mirror there, I gave myself a talking to - they must do what is best for them, not me. Moving would mean better job prospects, much better house, etc.etc. Managed to go back downstairs and smilingly wished them Good Luck. This was five years back, still miss them, but also enjoy my long weekends that I go up and spend with them. The decision was totally right for them and I am glad they made it. Think it was harder for my DiL who loved her job in London and had to give up a final salary pension scheme. So glad she has settled into a new job, and really loves the beautiful house in such lovely surroundings in Warrington which they were able to purchase.
My youngest daughter (20 plus years ago), very suddenly threw up her Phd course and went out to Northern Ireland. Her flat mates brother had come to visit and they had 'fallen in love'!!! Took a lot to come to terms with all of that. Happened in less than a week.
Eventually, she re-trained as a Ed. Psychologist, they married and then had two lovely little girls. I managed to visit on several occasions, but was delighted when this year the whole family moved back to England (South Coast). Can now really get to know those two g.daughters more.
Each generation must do what they consider best for them and their families, but nothing is absolute and the main thing is to always remain on good terms with them.
Do go to visit them asap, get to know their currently adopted home and country.
Who knows what can happen in the future

M0nica Sat 24-Nov-18 11:59:04

We live in Oxfordshire, when DS graduated he was offered a job in York - and he is still there 20 years later, now with wife and children.

DD did something similar, although she only lives 100 miles away.

That's life.

BlueBelle Sat 24-Nov-18 12:09:18

My son moved to NZ 22 years ago is still there both daughters moved to different parts of Europe, one is home again after 12 years the other one still away
There is no point in anger I can honestly say I never felt a moments anger for any of them, sadness mingled with happiness for them to know they were happy and had jobs homes and a life of their own I have no understanding of where anger comes into this How can you feel anger at children’s natural progression maybe your anger is really a bit of jealousy because they are going to be near the in laws
Goodness me be happy, dry your tears and plan a visit Ryanair are offering cheap seats at the moment

DoraMarr Sat 24-Nov-18 12:24:43

What you are feeling is like the anger people feel when a loved one dies. It is sadness, as you say. Keep in touch with them, but be happy for them. Think about visiting them after Christmas when the weather gets better- it’s always good to have something to look forward to. Meanwhile, don’t be hard on yourself for feeling angry and hurt. Focus on the things you like to do.

sodapop Sat 24-Nov-18 12:53:19

Don't be angry be proud you have done such a good job bringing your family up to be independent. They have their lives but you will always be part of that wherever you all live.
Don't resent their closeness to other families there is enough love to go round.
Enjoy time with your friends and start planning your trip to Ireland, its a beautiful country.

NonnaW Sat 24-Nov-18 13:44:02

All 3 of my sons live between 2.5 and 5 hours drive away. They went where work and/or partner took them. That’s life. I’d like to see more of them, but as someone said upthread, we bring them up to be independent.

MawBroon Sat 24-Nov-18 13:54:49

It sounds as if your son moved because he had a job offer not just to be near DIL’s family.
Do you begrudge him that?
You may be sad, but why be angry?
There must have been some warning, nobody puts their house on the market and completes in one day. Perhaps you just kept hoping it would not happen.
I don’t actually think it is like a bereavement - you can visit them, you know they are doing the right thing for the family, you need to get a grip on these bitter negative -dare I say selfish- emotions or you might really lose them.
Ireland is not the other side of the world is it?

toscalily Sat 24-Nov-18 14:40:52

Three months after they moved and you are still feeling angry? To quote Franbern "Each generation must do what they consider best for them and their families, but nothing is absolute and the main thing is to always remain on good terms with them." You are not the first gransnetter to voice anger at families moving away when in my opinion you should tuck those feelings away and wish them well. A degree of sadness, yes, that I can understand but it is not a bereavement which is final this is not. Think to the future, plan a visit, enjoy the experience of somewhere new when you do go.

Baggs Sat 24-Nov-18 14:44:12

What is or was there to be angry about? Their moving to Ireland isn't and wasn't about you. Get over yourself.

Menopaws Sat 24-Nov-18 14:52:47

We have children, we encourage them to travel, they meet people who travel, they have jobs worldwide. In an ideal world I would keep all my children in my top pocket and never let them out.
I now have three fabulous children who have travelled the world, one settled here, one settled a million miles away and one who is hovering but I'm damn proud of all of them and their achievements and I will do my best to keep in touch with them with all the new fancy ways we have now but I will keep any sadness I feel occasionally because I can't give them a spontaneous squeeze to myself because I am so proud that we have brought up three strong confident people, and I never want them to feel they owe me, I want them to keep in touch and visit as they can because they appreciate our efforts in bringing them up.

EllanVannin Sat 24-Nov-18 15:09:47

My D and SiL are coming for a visit from Oz in June next year. Spending a couple of days in Dubai on their way,then here before they go off to Skiathos with friends for a week then another few days in Scotland . Much as I'd like them here for the length of their stay they want to go out and about and further afield to places they didn't see when living here. It's fine by me because I loved travelling but can't do it now so it's their turn. It'll just be nice to see them before my D turns 60 in 2020. Can't believe it !!

red1 Sat 24-Nov-18 16:09:55

thanks for comments BAGGS I think you read my original posting wrong,I was asking for fellow experiences, not silly comments! ive got over myself long ago...…….

luluaugust Sat 24-Nov-18 16:59:04

You say you were totally unprepared and I guess that is why you have got stuck a bit. My Eldest DD moved far away over 20 years ago whilst the other AC are nearer us, I still miss her so much and feel she has missed out on things with us all here but I do accept it was meant to be and I suppose I was much younger then. Do go and visit and I am sure they will come to see you, at least now it is easy to stay in touch and Ireland is not far really in this day and age.

oldbatty Sat 24-Nov-18 17:03:28

be angry if you want to be angry. Maybe talk it through with a counsellor.

Baggs Sat 24-Nov-18 17:05:13

I think that anyone who feels anger at offspring spreading their wings and getting on with their lives well away from home has not really faced up to what parenting is about. Ultimately it's the job of parents to make their offspring feel confident and happy about breaking the home ties if a good opportunity arises. It's also the job of parents to be prepared for such eventualities and be happy for them.

Are you really angry at yourself for not being prepared, red1?

KatyK Sat 24-Nov-18 17:38:23

I would be upset, devastated really but not angry. It's hard to deal with but it's their life. Our offspring don't feel the same about us as we do about them, although they do care.

glammanana Sat 24-Nov-18 17:46:38

Pat yourself on the back for bringing up a son who puts his family's future first and then book a few flights for next year on one of the budget airlines.

Chinesecrested Sat 24-Nov-18 17:52:01

It's only Ireland, not Australia! Somewhere nice to visit, not too far away. Budget flights will get you there fast and cheap. wink

MawBroon Sat 24-Nov-18 17:54:12

You say you are angry. Not that you were so no, I don't think you have got over yourself.
The comments, far from silly seem to make good sense to me, perhaps you don't like what you are reading?

Riverwalk Sat 24-Nov-18 18:03:12

Maybe it's the speed of events that's affected you.

The stages of the grieving process which you mention is usually applied to those who've been bereaved.

Yes, emotions are funny things - but don't even think about moving to be near them!

Elegran Sat 24-Nov-18 18:21:24

If no child ever moved away from their parents, what a narrow world it would be, and what a lot of parent-dominated adults there would be in it.

You say you have "got over yourself" but if you are still angry at them for taking up a good job offer which takes them somewhere you can visit whenever you want (and you compare that to a bereavement!), then you have not got over it. Would you really rather he had turned it down and not done the best he could for his family?

Anja Sat 24-Nov-18 18:35:17

red1 sorry that you are upset by this and especially Baggs’s smug comments.

oldbatty Sat 24-Nov-18 18:37:52

What does 'get over yourself' mean?

oldbatty Sat 24-Nov-18 18:41:31

Maybe a few other people should get over themselves. Bereavement, loss, grief, comes in all sorts of guises. My kids live down the road. I still feel loss.