Jealous of other “grandparents “

I have two grandsons my oldest parents went through divorce when he was really young so I have been there 90% of the time. His other grand parent worked full time and spent time with him when she could. I never felt jealous though her and I have a good relationship.
My second grand child is 4 and I can count on one hand how many times he has stayed over night with us. He sees his other grand parent every other day if not every day. I have asked to take him places and get shut down. It’s just the differences in the Mother’s. I wouldn’t say I’m jealous of the other grandparents, but I am jealous of the time they get to spend with him when I don’t get to.

Appreciate how you feel. You have to put the feelings of the grandchildren first, though.

Em14 Would your feelings have been the same were your DIL's own mother alive? Don't children need both paternal and maternal grandparents and DIL HAS lost her own mother. How obvious is it you don't like each other ?has the other person said anything? Get a grip before your feelings surface and you lose what you have.

I always think it’s a blessing to have lots of loving adults in a child’s life. Try to focus on the times you have together & continue to make them special, saviour the times you are with them don’t dwell on the times you are not.

Emm14 My immediate reaction is to say do not berate yourself too harshly. We are human and although we grow up trying to be ultra rational and reasonable and well-mannered, we are unable to stop our feelings about our loved ones on this level. I know you realise there is nothing you can do about the other people, so try and accept that your feelings are only natural and you are not a bad person. A bad person is one who acts on their jealousy. You probably do have some rational feelings about these other people and know they are not ideal for your DGC but in the circumstances you just have to let go. The children probably don't really notice much anyway when they see them. Your DIL has lost her own mother, and no doubt this is hard for her at Christmas. Let her do what she feels comfortable with, because these people probably make her feel easier about the loss of her mother. But do not be too hard on yourself, because jealous feelings are quite natural and we do not invite them. Just try and understand how it is for your DIL as she does not have anyone in her corner, because she will always see you as her husband's family. Gradually she may come to feel you are her family too. I wish you all a peaceful and Happy New Year!

Hi Emm14. Yes I agree with you that it's hard when you love your DIL but don't really get on with her surrogate parents. We're in exactly the same situation. I just try really hard to be very friendly when we meet and we keep any feelings to ourselves. Unfortunately they have said that they have issues with us, strangely exactly the same ones we have with them . but I keep any comments to myself! I remind myself that we don't have to be friends and we don't see them often. They are kind to DGC so I suppose that's all that counts.

"mabon1 - that is harsh; sometimes we cannot help our feelings - we do not plan to have them, they just drop in on us.

I am sure that Emm14 is not proud of how she feels, and needs help to move forward from this."

Well said Luckygirl. A number of posters seem to be ignoring both the OPs honesty and her admitting that she hates feeling like this. She needs understanding and advice as to how to move on, as she asks for, NOT a telling off!! Dear me!!¬

OP lots of good advice on here as well though

I admire the poster's honesty and hope for a happier outcome and feelings to change soon.

I just don't see the problem you were lucky that you had time with them over Christmas and now you are feeling jealous that they are spending time with someone else? Yes I am afraid you are being unreasonable. Sorry

Patzee
People only do what they want and, if your DiL favours her relationship with you over the one your friend seems to be trying to cultivate with her, then it won't come to anything.
Perhaps it's time to ask yourself, 'What is she getting out of the other relationship that is missing in hers with me which allows this to happen?'
Does your friend have children, a daughter?
Ask her outright why she's 'dropped' you but make no mention of your DiL, otherwise she may go on the defensive.
I realise that it must be painful but do keep up the relationships with both as much as possible. After all, your DiL can make as many friends as she wants and that can only be a good thing.
I hope it turns out well for all of you.

Jealousy is actually a misdirected sense of injustice. Someone else is enjoying something you own or want. The individual in question is a stranger or someone you don't really like. The coveted thing/experience is therefore undeserved and having it for even one minute is 'unjust'.

If you analyze where these negative feelings are coming from so you can understand them. You probably aren't jealous of the people you love. You want only the best for them and you likely rejoice over their good fortunes. That is how most people feel when they love someone because people you love 'deserve' to be happy.

Focus on the fact that these people love your GS and that's why they want to spend time with him. You do have something in common with them .....they all love your GS and that means they are good people. Be happy for them.

Grampie
There may have been a tinge of jealousy and I too was shocked to read that article. Goodness knows how it will affect both children and they and only they are the central characters in that story.
I read, as you must have done, that the other GPs are not poor, although by Western standards they seem so but I think that the British GPs were concerned that their son, the children's father, would be airbrushed out of their lives.
We cannot control the attitudes of people who don't follow our particular lifestyles but I too would be concerned about the stories they would be fed (both parents working away etc) now and in the future.
China is known for it's bias toward males so it's no surprise that they kept the boy. I wonder what the future holds for the siblings, especially as the UK GPs seem hell bent on getting the boy back...even crowd funding for it.

How wonderful that mabon , agnurse et al have never been prey to any of the not so pleasant emotions such as jealousy that plague the rest of us. I think the poster was very brave and honest. If people are going to keep jumping on those wishing for some help and advice , well, gransnet will will not be the ‘go to ‘ place it used to be.

Grampie the couple you speak of travelled to China and tried to get both grandchildren. It certainly isn’t about jealousy. Their ex DIL murdered their son and is in prison in China. The maternal grandparents live in a shack and they are illiterate with very little money. What grandparents wiuldn’t do the same. They had to remortgage their home and have spent over £100,000 trying to get their grandchildren. I find your comment heartless and ill informed. It’s nothing to do with jealousy.

As for the OP’s post i don’t think you should feel jealous but as others have said, we can’t control all out emotional responses to things. Just try and see it through rational eyes. I’m sure the other grandmother is no threat to you.

The couple are obviously a link to her parents which is why she is clinging to them.

I think its wonderful that you are brave enough to say how you are feeling. Sometimes, even though our brains tell us we shouldn't feel a certain way, we can't help our feelings. Just acknowledge how you are feeling without judging yourself, and then put those emotions behind you and think about how lucky your grandchildren are to have as many people love them as possible.

My DIL's mother and I have always got on well from day one. They live fairly near so we have just visited each other, most times if they drove to see the GC I'd be included. Also when my son is away on business we'd share the child care.
Sadly a bit in the past now as the other Granny has had a number of mental issues so doesn't get about as much. She's unable to see the GC very often.

my mum and dad died a few years ago and their godmothers parents came to be like their granparents at first i was resentful but now i realise that my grandkids are lucky to have people that choose to be in their life and love them like their own they dont have grandchildren of their own its also lovely that they have older people in their lives . be grateful , you are not sny less thought of

Emm14.I could so easily be very jealous of the fact that my two granddaughters who live 300miles from me see far more of their lovely stepmum’s parents than either I, or their Dad’s Mum here, do. I rarely see them at all. I did get to spend 6 lovely hours with them in August ,when they did come back to stay with their Dad’s Mum. That was the first time in 18 months that I had seen them!!
They lost theirMum,my younger daughter ,when they were 4 and 2 . They are now 13 and 11 . I miss them and my daughter all the time ,but am glad they are happy . Their step Grandparents live very near them and they are the ones who see them often. I think you are very lucky to have seen your family over Christmas. I’ m lucky to have my other daughter nearby and I saw her and family on Christmas Day. ,but have no idea when I will get to see my other grandchildren again. Your jealousy is just eating away at you. Can’t you try to be glad that your DIL has such good friends after losing her own parents. That must be difficult for her.

Feelings don't often care about what's reasonable, but you can consider how to reign these feelings in.
Life is much nicer when you try (very hard!) to see the positive in everything, and this situation has many, for many people.

Sorry OP - But yes, I do think you’re being unreasonable.

Stop trying to control how your Grandchildren are brought up- Love them when they are with you teach them how to show love and have respect for others.
Let Son and DIL be parents to their own children- Cheers

There's no point in telling the poster off when all she's doing is being honest and has actually said she knows she's being unreasonable! Isn't it better to acknowledge your feelings as a first step to changing them?

Perfect response. My thoughts exactly. Sometimes Im really shocked by pettiness on this site !

I posted on gransnet some time ago about similar struggles with the time my children and grandchildren spend with their father (my ex) and his wife. I was helped at the time by posts saying just be happy that your grandchildren have more people to love them. ..