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Grandparenting

Jealous of other “grandparents “

(90 Posts)
Emm14 Sun 30-Dec-18 00:46:53

Hi ladies. Anybody experienced jealousy of other “grandparent” - in this case, my DIL family friends? She doesn’t have parents but her deceased mother’s friends have taken their place - and of the place of maternal grandparents. It is obvious we don’t like each other, on the two occasions we’ve met - we have nothing in common with them (my husband and I) and I really resent the time they spend with ‘my’ grandchild. I hate feeling like this. My son, DIL and GS have left my home after wonderful week celebrating Christmas with us, to go to spend new year at this other couples place. I know it’s unreasonable of me but I resent it! Anybody else in similiar situation/have similiar feelings?

paddyann Sun 30-Dec-18 01:40:00

Isn't it better for your GC to have lots of folk who love them ? Why would you want to take that away from them and the support they obviously give your DIL?

Buffybee Sun 30-Dec-18 02:32:22

My Sil's Mother died when he was a teenager, after he and my Dd married, his Father married again.
When my Dgs arrived, his Grandfather said that his new wife was unsure what she should be called and she said would he ask me.
Without hesitation, I said, "Grandma of course, if she wants, or Nana" so she's Grandmaralyn.
Neither of them are our type really but they are lovely, kind people so I've made the effort.
Try not to be jealous of them, be happy your precious Dgs has people who love him.
The more the merrier, I say.

absent Sun 30-Dec-18 02:47:22

Focus on – and delight in – your relationship with your grandchild who, as she/he grows up, will be influenced by all sorts of people, most of them positive one hopes, but probably some of them negative. Be an inspiring, joyful and loving figure for your grandchild and let others be what they may. You will both benefit enormously.

crystaltipps Sun 30-Dec-18 03:04:54

Your DiL has lost her parents and is lucky to have close friends who are able to love and support her. Spread the love around , you’re not in a competition with these people. Be welcoming- you don’t have to be best mates. The more people that love and care for your GC the better, surely?

agnurse Sun 30-Dec-18 03:55:34

How much time they spend with the friends is really not your concern. Grandparenting isn't a competition.

mumofmadboys Sun 30-Dec-18 05:56:31

You cannot help your feelings. It isn't always possible to rationalise them. I'm sure you agree the more people who love your GC the better.Hopefully in time the feelings will lessen

morethan2 Sun 30-Dec-18 06:04:16

Jealousy is a normal human emotion so don’t feel bad. As long as you recognise it and don’t let it spoil your relationships it’ll be fine. I think you are brave to admit it and you obviously have enough insight to keep it under control. In answer to your question, yes I’ve felt it..often. It’s a horrible emotion to recognise in yourself . I’ve also seen it in others and it often manifest as sulking, bad temper and rudeness. We have nothing in common with our Children’s in laws but over the years we’ve made a mammoth effort to get on (I suspect they have too) and have shared many happy events together together with the odd uncomfortable twinge when a grandchild says “no I want the other Nanna” So give it time and smile through gritted teeth. You’ll soon come to terms with the emotion and the other surrogate grandparents.

Madgran77 Sun 30-Dec-18 09:16:54

Human reaction even if not rational...and big well done to you for acknowledging that your feelings are wrong. You say you don't want to feel like this...that is understandable too. Focus on the lovely time you had with them and every time your resentment wells up just go back to that focus ...force yourself to focus on that! Also, chat to them about the nice times they had with you ...and ask about the nice times they had with the others. I'm not keen/ have little in common with my sons inlaws but to try to help a difficult situation I have built a gently friendly relationship with them...takes time and tact though. Maybe think about that too flowers

Luckygirl Sun 30-Dec-18 09:53:35

Isn't it hard when we feel things that seem totally irrational but there they are nevertheless? And ones that we are not proud of are worse.

There have been moments when flashes of such thoughts have flitted through my mind, especially near the beginning of being a grandparent. But I spoke very firmly to myself and got past it, as I am sure that you will too.

The difficulty is that you have nothing in common with these folk (apart from your shared humanity and shared GC) - you feel protective of this child and the influences that will impinge on his life. I too have little in common with all the other sets of grandparents, but in the end that is not what is important. These people produced the person that your son loves, so they have done something right!

You have heard all the rational reasons for not having these feelings - which I am sure you already knew - and you just need to behave as if you like these people and, who knows, in the end you might just end up doing that. Make yourself say positive things about them - "How lovely that you have these kind people in your life!"

You can still have your feelings, but it is important not to make these obvious. Do not feel guilty; your feelings arise because of your overwhelming love for this child, and that is a positive.

Good luck. flowers

Nonnie Sun 30-Dec-18 10:30:08

Not a problem for me at all. In fact the other Grandma has become a good friend and flew over to spend time with us for a pre-Christmas holiday. She helps with childcare as she lives near the GC so we agreed that when she goes to America I will take over her role until she comes back. DiL goes to a lot of trouble to ensure I am as much involved with the GC as I can be despite living in a different country.

Jealousy is often the result of insecurity, could this be the reason in your case?

Grampie Sun 30-Dec-18 10:31:12

Shocked to read this morning that some grandparents are so jealous they pay thousands of pounds to split a sister from her brother by thousands of miles.

eazybee Sun 30-Dec-18 10:31:13

How lovely for your daughter in law to have friends who knew, loved and remember her mother; she has probably known them all her life and they are her family.
Also, as her child grows, they will be able to tell him all about the grandmother he will never meet, and about his mother when she was growing up, a vital part of family history.
The fact that you don't like them has nothing to do with it.

PECS Sun 30-Dec-18 10:32:35

Try to be pleased that yor DGC are loved by so many. My DD2 & her DCs only have us as her ex was estranged from his family.

holdingontometeeth Sun 30-Dec-18 10:36:29

Things can only get better. Always look on the bright side of life.

Blossomsmum Sun 30-Dec-18 10:37:21

I am in a bit off an odd situation as none of my grandchildren are “blood related “ to us . They are the offspring of my adopted and fostered family and we are honoured that we are regarded as important in their children’s lives .
I do try to get on with the other adults in their family but sadly in most cases my children have distanced themselves as they feel that their parents damaged and let them down as children and don’t want the same to happen to their children .
I am just glad that your grandchild has lots of adults in their lives who loves them .

HappyAmI Sun 30-Dec-18 10:37:24

If you’re referring to Chinese child, that’s not how it is. Have you heard the full story on the news?

EllanVannin Sun 30-Dec-18 10:38:17

It's never occurred to me to feel this way. Then again I'm neither jealous nor envious of anyone so have never had to display that emotion.
Always happy that there were grannies and granddads galore in times past, as were the children too. Happiness for the children is key.

anti Sun 30-Dec-18 10:40:11

I know how you must be feeling, but love your grandchild and show it every time you are together, life is too short to be jealous and wondering.

My husband passed away 20 years ago and I now have 2 wonderful grandchildren and another one on the way, I feel for them as they have no granddad at all from either side, but my partner of 11 years has become that, they first called him Uncle Steve but they have become so attached to him in the last 10 years that now they call him Uncle/Grandad Steve! Just enjoy every moment you have with them...… smile

Newmom101 Sun 30-Dec-18 10:45:39

Normally I'd say it's completely normal, lots of grandparents I know (including my parents and in laws) sometimes can't hide that they are jealous of the time the 'other' grandparents get. But to be honest you sound like you're annoyed because these people are getting to play a 'grandparents' role without any biological link to the child. And that's quite spiteful.

Your DIL has lost her family, at least she has people who love her enough to take on that role. You should be happy for her that she still has her own family, even if not her biological one. Would you rather she had no one? How would it be if those people were step parents? Or foster or adoptive parents? There are lots of people who love children like their own grandchildren who have no biological link to them. If your DILs parents were alive you'd have to share 'your' grandchild anyway.

I think you need to start looking at it as more people to love your DIL, son and their child. You might not like them but that has nothing to do with it really, you need to see them as your DILs family, biological or not.

Mycatisahacker Sun 30-Dec-18 10:53:26

If you truly love someone you want to share that love. You want other people to love them too.

Keep your feelings off your face and never say anything. Be greatefyl your grandchild has so many people who love her. Enjoy this time as you know yourself they are soon teenagers and then fly.

GrannieAnnie56 Sun 30-Dec-18 11:01:08

As an absent grannie living in France and grandchildren in the UK sometimes I get a pang of jealousy when I see photos of them being cuddled and having fun with their other grandparents but it’s not malicious just a gearning to do the same myself. Our grandchildren are lucky to have so many loving people in their lives and I feel lucky to spend the quality time we have together when we visit.

dragonfly46 Sun 30-Dec-18 11:01:37

We spent Christmas with my DiL's mum and sister, DS and my DD and SiL.

I found it so lovely that my 3 year old DG showed absolutely no favourites although she sees a lot more of her Nana than she does me. She was thrilled to see us when we arrived and responded to anyone who interacted with her.

Funnily enough as a child my favourite uncle was the one I saw least.

Try not to feel jealous children do not compare and as the others have said the more people that love a child the better.

jenwren Sun 30-Dec-18 11:15:41

Gosh a whole week spent with you over Christmas. How fortunate you are.

mabon1 Sun 30-Dec-18 11:18:53

What's the matter with you silly woman, children need all the love they can have, the green eyed monster has bitten you right enough. Get over it and let the little ones enjoy themselves with people of whom they are clearly fond.